September 8, 2014

Bellwether's Guide to the American League Central: Detroit

Here it is, Royals fans, it comes down to this. Final month of the season. The home stretch. I was hoping to pull everything together; to grab for glory using the best of my abilities; to use everything that I’ve learned over the past two years writing for this site; to give it my all and write the best damn RWC post that I’m capable of.


Well, instead of doing all that, I unfortunately look once again completely outmatched and over my head and will have to grit it out, relying on my strengths (fart jokes, poop jokes) while completely whiffing on all other fronts (astute analysis, coherence). Basically, I have a 2-0 lead in the third off of errors and unearned runs, and I’m trying to fight thru the final seven innings with a tired, depleted bullpen while giving Eric Hosmer four at-bats a game. But that, sports fans, is why we love September baseball.


So, without further adieu, the final chapter in our look at our American League Central opponents: DETROIT.  


What’s a Detroit?


Detroit is French for “a toilet”


Can you give us some fun facts?


I don’t know. What do you want to look at? The 78,000 abandoned structures within the city limits? The fact that 60% of children there live below the poverty line? Or that over half of high school graduates are unemployed.


Years and years and years of deliciously corrupt union bosses and politicians colluding on collective bargaining agreements and pensions that didn’t have a prayer of being funded properly are finally coming home to roost as the city -- yes the city itself -- has declared bankruptcy.


But, hey, at least city officials haven’t lost their zeal for screwing over the populous, agreeing to fork over $285 million (again, the city is fucking bankrupt) to build a new stadium for the Red Wings. At least they were able to fleece enough out of their not-then-empty coffers to replace decrepit Tiger Stadium when they had a chance.


So, yeah. Detroit’s a toilet.


Okay, so are there any, like, good things about it?


With apologies to Seattle, Nashville, LA, NY, Chicago, Austin, Minneapolis and Athens, GA, Detroit is the absolute 100% greatest music town in the US. No contest. Smokey Robinson, Death, Diana Ross, Iggy Pop, Eminem, Ted Nugent, Aretha Franklin, Jack White, Marvin Gaye, FUCKING DeBARGE the list goes on-and-on.


But, of course, both the music industry and the automobile industry -- the two things that Detroit is known for -- are completely in the shitter.


I guess it just goes to show that when an industry is unable to adapt to the consumption changes of a populous and in turn pivot strategy in an ever expanding and competitive marketplace, it will increasingly rely on not innovation, but lowest-common-denominator shilling on the blind hope that someone, anyone will take anything resembling a genuine interest in your product. And that, my friends, is how we got Kid Rock. And the Chevrolet Cruze. And Kid Rock selling the Chevrolet Cruze.Fuck, Detroit. Get it together, man.


They got a baseball team there, right?


They do!


What are they called?


The Tigers!


Ferocious!


I know! One of the original charter franchises of the new American League, they were founded in 1901, when the game was just a game. When the patrons wore their Sunday Best to the ballpark,when the strongest PED was the hotdog, and when ballplayers were super racist! Like Ty Cobb! There is some debate about exactly how super racist the Tiger great was, but when I think of Ty Cobb, I picture him not rounding the first base to stretch a single into a double, I picture him beating a black elevator operator to death with his own shoe (which I’m sure is a story I heard about him one time that is also 100% true). But don’t look down on me for thinking that. I also picture him biting Kid Rock’s nose off.


So how are they at baseballin?


Pretty good! At least the last few years. It’s pretty insane to think that as bad as the Royals have been the past decade, Detroit’s bottom was even lower than ours, coming one loss short of the Major League record in 2003 by taking 119 in the right hand column. But don’t cry too hard for them. GM Dave Dombrowski quickly instituted the Everyone In Our Town Is Unemployed And The City Itself Has No Money So Let’s Spend A Billion Dollars And Acquire A Buttload Of Overpriced Talent strategy, and has had the Tigers in the World Series twice in the last decade.


So that’s what we’re up against. David vs Goliath. Chaminade vs Virginia. Buster Douglas vs Mike Tyson. Christina Aguilera vs Britney Spears. Let’s make it count. Go Fucking Royals.



COMPREHENSIVE SCOUTING REPORT

THOME.png
Jim Thome
Jim Thome is 112 years old and still plays for the Tigers, and also every other team in the major leagues


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Miguel Cabrera
Won the baseball Triple Crown in 2012. Won the DUI Triple Crown in 2011 by blowing twice the legal limit, drinking in front of officers, and doing so while wearing hospital scrubs.


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Justin Verlander
Likes to take selfies with naked fat chicks


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Joba Chamberlain
A homely elf who weighs 716 lbs


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Torii Hunter
Remember when Dayton tried to sign Torii Hunter in 2008 and the Angels offered him like $800mil and everyone was like “lol good he ain’t worth that much” and we traded for Joey Gathright instead and all Torii’s done is hit .287/.345/./460 in the seven years since?


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Ian Kinsler
2nd baseman w/ clearly less swag than Torii


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Former Shitty White Catcher From The ‘90’s
Manager
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