October 7, 2006

We'll miss you, Buck.

John Jordan 'Buck' O'Neil
November 13, 1911 - October 6, 2006


September 13, 2006

Bringing new meaning to the phrase "Pitcher-Catcher Battery"

So the Royals found a way to get on ESPN tonight.

All it took was Fat Elvys and John Buck wildly throwing punches at one another in the dugout between innings.

Sadly, neither guy ever connected.

But it made me wonder, who would win in a real fight between these two?

Obviously, Elvys is in a much higher weight class. But then again, Buck probably has more stamina and agility.

We would probably have to resort to some kind of super-computer to determine the winner.

Luckily, I own a Nintendo.

Obviously, Little Buck wins, punching Elvys repeatedly in his gut while the obese pitcher tries in vain to keep his boxing shorts on.

And there you have it.

Please join us next time when we pit Angel Berroa against a 747 full of poisonous snakes. Or perhaps we'll see Emil Brown take on a word processing program.

Either way, there should be lots of blood.

Go Royals! You're the Best!

September 12, 2006

Kicking Names and Taking Ass

How hard is it to update this site when the Royals are playing well?

Check out all of the posts from the last two weeks to see the answer.

KC has been on a tear lately, sticking it to the Twins, the White Sox, and the Red Sox.

And I gotta say, I laughed about that.

I laughed a lot.

I'm sure every Royals fan did.

Rendering this blog completely worthless during that time.

You can only rip on Emil's poor diction or Runelvys' love of deep fat fried peanut butter and banana sandwiches so many times. Especially when they are playing pretty well.

So get ready for the future.

Well, at least for the next several months.

Royales with Cheese will become a hybrid.

You know, like a Prius.


Sure, why not?

Looks to be lots of laughs coming from their 2006 season.

Just think...

The chuckles we'll get out of the inept O-line!

The giggles we'll get out of Herm Edwards' post game conferences!

The chortles we'll get out of KC Wolf's Zubaz pants!

The guffaws, my god, the uncontrollable belly laughs we'll get out of Damon freaking Huard!

Come on!

Who's with me?




Not one person?


I didn't really feel like doing that anyway.

Go Royals! You're the Best!

August 20, 2006

Proof that the Royals aren't as lame as the Cubs


Family Circus loves the Cubs.

And even though it is a comic strip, Bil Keane still refuses to incorporate any comic element into the strip whatsoever.


Where the hell is the joke in the above panel?

Please tell me that it isn't Ma and Pa Family Circus realizing that the kids didn't need all of the expensive memorabilia when a pack of Orbit would have satisfied them...

Even so, that isn't really a joke, now is it?

That is all.

Go Royals! You're not the Cubs!

August 17, 2006

THUMP DAY: Random thoughts for a Thursday evening

(1) The Giants are all over the Chiefs tonight. Good to see KC still has a porous defense. Also, why the hell isn't the Kyle Turley helmet toss on YouTube? Someone get on that.
(2) Luke Hochevar got the start for the Burlington Bees last night. I have a feeling he's going to be an excellent pitcher.

Do you know why?

He's ugly.

In fact, he's fugly.

The man has a mullet. His ears make him look like a car driving down the street with its doors open. Whenever he pitches, his cheeks puff out and he squints like he's dropping a five-cornered deuce.


Look at Randy Johnson. Before he had to chop off those glorious locks for the Yankees, Randy was one of the greatest pitchers of all time. But if you saw him on the street, you'd turn and run in terror. He looks like a pedophile or a bad guy in a slasher movie.

And Hochevar has that same ugliness.

Which means big things for the Royals in a year or two.

(3) I'm glad that Adam Bernero got rid of his Abe Lincoln beard. It made him look an awful lot like Hans Klopek from The 'Burbs.

Don't get me wrong. The beard was ugly. And, as previously postulated, like six inches above this, ugly=awesome. However, Adam is ugly enough to be a decent pitcher with or without that thing on his face. Case in point: his last two starts. If he starts to struggle, I'll be the first to suggest he grow it back.

(4) Dougie Fresh isn't likely to return from the DL until September. Which means we must suffer through at least two more weeks of Mike Sweeney's delayed retirement. I love Mike and am sorry to see his career petering out the way it is, but when Mientkiewicz comes back you have to bench the captain in his favor. Mikey grounded into a double play to end the game today. He's been hovering around the Mendoza line before and since his injury. I hope he makes me eat my words and hits ten dingers in the next six weeks, but right now, it looks like his bad back has effectively snuffed out an amazing career.

(5) Mark Grudzielanek signed an extension through next year with an option for 2008. Which means Esteban German's shot at starting next year is, well, shot. Remember, Esteban, the Royals have ways of making you pronounce the letter "G."

(6) God, I hate Joe Buck.

(Royales with Cheese would like to point out that the above image of Mr. Buck is meant as a lampoon and is not meant to insinuate that he does, in fact, have scabies. We're pretty sure, unfortunately, that he doesn't. But if he did, we assume, he would scream "THAT'S DISGUSTING! THAT IS DISGUSTING!" So, it's parody. So it's protected. So there.)

And that's all for now.

Go Royals! You're the Best!

August 16, 2006

How Mark Teahen Got His Groove Back

A Theory.
In Pictures.

And Some Words.
But Mostly Pictures.

MAY 6, 2006:

Mark Teahen is sent to Omaha, where he undergoes a strange experiment.

JUNE 3, 2006:

He returns to Kansas City, not as Mark Teahen, but as...




That's right.

Mark Teahen is a freakin' robot.

And I think KC should do the same thing with Angel Berroa.

Go Robots! You're the Best!

August 4, 2006

Scott (Annoyed Grunt)mann

I know Ambiorix Burgos is the one who really screwed us out of the win tonight.

I don't care.

New acquisition Scott Dohmann sucked in the tenth and took the loss.

And this was just too easy:

Scott Dohmann will forevermore be referred to in this blog as Scott D'ohmann.

Sorry, my man.

I could've gone with the Poppin' Fresh Doughboy reference.

"Nothing says loving like something from the 'OH HELL, I'M A CRAPPY PITCHER.'"

But I really don't know which of the photoshops would've been more humiliating.

Just be thankful your name isn't Steel Mientkiewicz.

Go Royals! You're the Best!

July 25, 2006

Goodbye MacDougal, Hello Future Starters

Mike MacDougal, RP Chicago White Sox

I don't have a problem with trading him, and I'll tell you why:

1) Dude was subject to freak injuries.

Remember in 2001 when he came up as a starter? In a game that September, Carlos Beltran swung and missed at a pitch, his bat flew out of his hands and into the dugout, cracking MacDougal's head open. He fractured his skull and lost feeling in his pitching arm for three months.

Then in 2004, he got the flu. Yes, just the flu. And it ruined an entire year of his career. He lost a ton of weight. Considering he was already barely 180 when this happened, his 6' 4" frame was made even weaker, and he lost some major velocity off of his pitches. He couldn't pitch worth a damn that season.

This year, he came into spring training again as the Royals closer, but with only ten days until the season's start, he strained a muscle in his right shoulder and was out for over half the season.

I'm not saying he's injury prone, because he couldn't help the bat to the head and the flu was just weird. But, he's tall and lanky and he has a hurky jerky pitching motion (his hat rarely stays on his head when he's pitching). I would be surprised if he didn't get hurt for one bizarre reason or another in the next couple years with the Sox.

2) He's a good fit for the White Sox.

He'll be the set-up man for Bobby "Bitch Tits" Jenks, making for the first true "Thunder and Lightning" pairing in Major League Baseball history. Good for MacDougal. He'll get on ESPN more regularly, and it won't be just because of his falling hat.

3) His salary is poised to jump a few million next season.

I would assume by then, Burgos (or Sisco or Bautista or somebody) would be the answer in the closer's role. Why spend the coin on the skinny guy who might get injured by a strong gust of wind when you can get someone else to do it on the cheap? MacDougal will be 30 soon and won't fit in as well with a team full of 22-24 year olds. Actually, that's probably not true. I've heard Mikey behaves more like a fourteen-year-old than anyone else on the Royals, so maybe he'd only ever fit in well with the Bad News Bears.

4)His nicknames sucked.

Mac the Ninth? Mac Attack? Mac Tonight? Doogie Howser, McD? McDLT? The Ginger Kid? Royals Pitcher of the Month?

So that's the best anyone can come up with? A pun on a Bobby Darin song that is half a century old? References to crappy McDonald's promos from the 80's? Doogie freakin' Howser?

Lame as hell.

5) The real reason this was a good trade: Kansas City needs starters.

The Royals go from having really no bonafide starting prospects in the minors to having two. Tyler Lumsden projects to be a KC starter in 2007 or 2008 with Daniel Cortes about three years away. And we can only hope that with six days left until the trading deadline, Dayton Moore will have nearly accomplished a complete turnaround of our farm system, adding much more pitching and some more offense to add to the prize pieces of Gordon and Butler.

I'm looking forward to seeing these trades.

Go Royals! You're the Best!

July 21, 2006

The Return of the (Burger) King and Berroa means Goodbye?

Word is Scott Elarton's shoulder injury will end his season, which means two very horrible things:

(1) KC doesn't get to trade him for anything.


(2) We'll be subjected to some pitchers even worse than Scotty.

And you know what that means:

That's right. Runelvys is back.

And for his first heavyweight bout tonight, he faces fellow lardbutt Bartolo Colon.

All this matchup needs is Jason Whitlock as the guest umpire and we'd have three of the biggest men on the planet on the same field.

In other news, the trade deadline is only ten days away and the Royals should be involved in several deals. KC is receiving inquiries on Reggie Sanders, Tony Graffanino, Elmer Dessens, Mark Grudzielanek, and Mark Redman. Doubtful that Moore will trade all of these guys, but some will go and we'll have a cavalcade of new prospects to dream about.

But from mlbtraderumors.com comes the most exciting rumor for Royals fans yet:

Moore wants to unload Angel Berroa on the Rockies.

They sent us Neifi Perez a few years ago. If this deal goes down, I'll be a firm believer in karma.

I haven't mocked Berroa much in this blog. Honestly, there isn't much funny about the way he has played for KC since his Rookie of the Year season. Both offensively and defensively, he is at or near the bottom of the league in most every category. In fact, he currently is no better than a replacement player would be. He doesn't walk. He doesn't hit. He drops pop-ups. What exactly does Angel do well? Um, he gets hit by pitches an awful lot. He's fifth on the Royals all time list in that category. So I guess that's something.

This deal for Ryan Shealy seems too good to be true. Honestly, I'd trade Angel for a warm case of Kokanee.

Whether or not KC gets someone as good as Shealy, let's just hope that very soon we can refer to Berroa as a former Royal.

Let's also hope that at some point, we can refer to Runelvys in that manner too.

Go Royals! You're the Best!

July 13, 2006

A look back at the first 51% of the 2006 season.

A little over halfway through our first season of Royals blogging and we've already started running out of ideas.

Consider this like a clip show of your favorite TV series. There is 12% new content in this edition of Royales with Cheese. The rest, you've already seen. But maybe you'll laugh again. Or maybe for the first time.

So let's flashback to some of our better moments, shall we:

Back on April 14th, we accused Alex Rodriguez of being a werewolf.

On April 19th, with the Royals in the midst of a ten game losing streak, we still boldly predicted a pennant win. As Royals fans, sometimes hope is all we have.

Of course, they'd need a little help from some Angels in the Outfield and a slap hitting chimpanzee (not Johnny Damon).

By April 27, less than a week later, KC was 5-15, and we were drinking heavily.

On May 10, we exposed the truth behind Buddy Bell and Paul Bako's relationship.


Recently, Paulie B. went down on the DL with a torn oblique.

Buddy Bell was visibly upset:


Well, it was.

By May 25, we were suggesting promotions for the lackluster attendance at Kauffman Stadium, including, of course, JEREMY AFFELDT DANCE PARTY.

A week later, the most important moment of the season occurred. On May 31st, David Glass fired Allard Baird in favor of hotshot Braves Assistant GM, Dayton Moore.

In early June, former Royal Jason Grimsley was put in the pokey when he was caught with a buttload of Human Growth Hormone.

Then there was the time Aunt Bea wanted to beat Clara in a homemade pickle contest but we were all too afraid to tell her that her pickles tasted like kerosene.

Oh wait. That was an episode of The Andy Griffith Show.

In the middle of June, Dayton Moore started his own website, RoyalTrader.com. So far, his only trade has been of JP Howell, a player conspicuously missing from the site.

Something strange also happened in June. The Royals started winning. Soon, they were better than the '62 Mets. Then, they were better than the '06 Pirates. What a time to be a Royals fan!

And just a week ago, it came out that Johnny Damon is a pothead.

And then there was today, when I posted a bunch of crap I'd already posted.

And you read it.



To make it worth your while, I've got two bonus pieces of Royales With Cheese trivia.

(1) If you accidentally type in http://royaleswithcheese.blogpot.com/, you find a site entitled AMAZING BIBLE STUDIES. Check it out, heathens.

(2) Here are some Google searches unsuspecting websurfers have typed in, only to be led to this stupid blog:

“super crocodile mile”

“judy's boobs”

"funky butt loving freddie mercury"

“jesus loves mike sweeney”

“doug mientkiewicz fan club”

“clippers stadium urinal”

"judy's boobs .com"

“what are some jedi mind tricks?”

“balls deep”

“Scotty Too Hotty”

“matt stairs fat hairy canadian”

"Boof blumpkin"

"I like to eat the peanut butter first"

“larry bigbie goes down”

"donnie sadler voodoo"

"Jason Whitlock morbidly obese"

“when did gene rayburn die?”

"Boobs" and "Judy"

And of course:

"Go Royals! You're the Best!"

July 10, 2006

There's always next year, or more likely, the year after that

So Kansas City heads into the All-Star Break with a 31-56 record.



But it could be much, much worse.

Only a month ago, the Royals were on pace to lose more games than the 1962 New York Mets, the worst team in modern history.

And now?

Well, now they are still on pace to lose over 100 games. But they aren't all-time bad. They aren't even the worst team of 2006 any longer. Youngsters David DeJesus, Mark Teahen, and John Buck have led the surge in the standings, moving KC past the Pirates and nipping at the Cubs' heels.

So, hey, not the best team in the league or anything.

But, finally, not the worst.

Baby steps, right?

And the team will begin making tremendous strides in the next couple seasons.

Everyone who watched the Futures Game yesterday saw that Wichita Wranglers Alex Gordon and Billy Butler can rake. Gordon had a single, a double and two RBI. Butler had a single and a two run homer. And Billy Boy was named the MVP.

Everyone was abuzz at the prospects of these two Royals prospects.

Gordon will probably be on the Royals' opening day roster next year and Butler will likely follow him to KC sometime during the '07 season.

Add to the 2007 roster Omaha's Justin Huber. He was the Futures Game MVP last year.

With DeJesus, Buck, and Zack Greinke, the Royals should at least be a decent team, if not a contender, over the next several seasons. They'll have to get some more pitching, but with a good offense, Moore should be able to get a few guys. That puts the window of being a winning ballclub at about 2008-2013, with a good shot of keeping it going beyond that, should Dayton Moore make good decisions.

And wouldn't that be weird?

Really, really weird?

After being terrible or, at their best, simply mediocre, for the past twenty years, we could soon see the Royals *gasp* in the playoffs.

And honestly, being a fan through one of the worst eras of any sports team ever will have been worth it.

As Percy Bysshe Shelley wrote, "Fear not for the future, weep not for the past.

Or as Timbuk 3 put it, "The future's so bright, I gotta wear shades."

Go Royals! You're the Best!

July 7, 2006

Johnny Damon and the Green Monster

The inevitable has come out.

Johnny Damon likes the reefer.

Here's the story from High Times.

Raise your hand if you were surprised.


Didn't think so.

Honestly, I was a little shocked.

I thought baseball would have served fine as Johnny's anti-drug.

Damon reportedly said what all potheads say when they're found out...

It's natural, it comes from the earth, blah blah blah.

Why aren't stoners ever honest? Instead of talking about how it is a plant, they should just say why they smoke it.

Because it gets them high.

So they can, you know, enjoy music and TV more.

If pot was synthetic, Damon would still smoke it.

The "natural" line is about as logical as the Chewbacca defense.

Johnny Damon: Perfect example to the youth of America why you shouldn't do drugs.

Oh, sure, he's got money, fame, women, and a World Series ring, but he's a freaking moron.

Like Forrest Gump or Radio or I Am Sam, but without the touching insights into this wonderful thing we call life.

So Johnny Damon's a pothead?

That's it?

That's the post?

Well, yeah.

Kind of a slow news day.

It could have been worse, though.

My original topic for this post was, "Did you know Angel Berroa's middle name is Maria?"

I got as far as, "Hahahahhaha, he's a girly-girly!" before scrapping it.

So be thankful for that.

Go Royals! You're the Best!

July 5, 2006

Who, or what, is a Boof Bonser?

The Royals ended Minnesota's 11 game win streak last night by defeating Twins pitcher Boof Bonser. David DeJesus and Mark Teahen continued to tear it up and--

Wait a second... Boof? Boof Bonser?

What the hell?

Okay, forget the regularly scheduled game recap. We've got to figure out who this Boof Bonser cat is and why he goes by that name.

This is Boof Bonser:

 He was born John Paul Bonser in 1981.

In 2001, though, he had his name legally changed to "Boof."

So what is a "boof"?

Let's check out dictionary.com:

Okay, so I guess "boof" isn't a word.

But maybe it's a made up slang term like "phat" or "groovy" or "blumpkin."

Indeed, urbandictionary.com turns up 46 definitions for boof.

Surprisingly, I was only offended by 43 of them.

Basically, "boof" can mean anything from "smoking meth" to "a person who enjoys being [BLANKED] in the [BLANK]."

It can mean anything from "passing gas" to "the act of taking it up the [BLANK] for money... or candy."

It can mean anything from "jumping a kayak off a waterfall" to "getting [BLANKED] in the [BLANK] by a throbbing [BLANK] while eating Cheez-Its and watching an episode of Gilmore Girls."

In addition, a simple Google search reveals that Boof is also:

The name of an Australian cartoon character.

An Iranian fast food joint.

The name of Teen Wolf's girlfriend.

And yes, a Twins pitcher that is quickly becoming an internet sensation, despite being optioned back to AAA this afternoon.

So yeah, sweet name there, Boof.

Your folks must be proud.

I guess it's still better than Steel Mientkiewicz.

Go Royals! You're the Best!

July 3, 2006

Him? Really?


How high was Ozzie Guillen when he chose Mark Freaking Redman as the Royals representative in the 2006 All Star Game?

I'm not saying I give a damn.

Cuz I don't.

With so many Yankees and Red Sox in the All Star Game every year, it has really become a non-event for fans in three of the four Continuous U.S. Time Zones.

But that doesn't mean I'm not a might bit confused by Marky Mark's inclusion in this year's event.

He will not play.

That's fine.

Maybe he'll get West Nile hanging out in the Pittsburgh bullpen all night with the skeeters coming off the river.


I hope so.

But really.

Redman should not be receiving any honor.

Let alone this honor.

Not with DeJesus playing the part of a future Johnny Damon (better arm, less speed) over the past several weeks. (I know, there were tons of AL OF's that were worthy this year, but the Royals only get one guy. At least Damien didn't get in.)

Not with Grudzielanek being one of the few second basemen in the AL worth a damn this year. (Cano? Loretta? Are you kidding me? With that Lopez kid tearing it up? Why are Red Sox and Yanks fans even allowed to vote?)

Not with Emil Brown and his... well, I know he can't play D. But you already picked like five DH's to play first on this year's squad. **Cough** Starting Fat Toad David Ortiz **Cough**?

Not with Jimmy Gobble... yes, that Jimmy Gobble... pitching in 31 games with a mid 3 ERA. (Not great, I know, but more impressive than anything Redman has done all year.)

Not with Brandon Duckworth and his capacity for slightly resembling Gary Busey.

Not with, well, we didn't really have anyone else deserving or even close to deserving on the team.

But why not one of those above guys?

Why Redman?

He is not an all-star.

A pitcher with a 5.59 ERA is not an All-Star.


I understand that Ozzie is busy with "F*cking F*g" Gate, but he could have, I dunno, actually checked some stats before he made his final selections.

You've got another pitcher, Francisco Liriano, with a sub-2.00 ERA kicking names and taking ass in the same division, and you take Mark Redman's lucked into five wins?

Guillen... I wish you were muerto.

I'd rather go without an All-Star than have Redman.

I really would.

Though, it's not like I was gonna watch the game anyway.

But you can't even expect me to channel surf on over with Redman scratching his balls in the bullpen.


The All-Star game is becoming the Pro-Bowl faster than Jason Whitlock is gaining rolls.

And that's impressive.

Go Royals! You're the Best!

June 30, 2006

Duck, Duck, Busey


Can you tell the difference between Royals Pitcher Brandon Duckworth and Famous Actor/Insane in the Membrane Super Goof Gary Busey?!?!?

The answers appear at the end of the post.

(A) (B)

(A) (B)

(A) (B)

(A) (B)

(A) (B)

Have a great weekend!

Go Royals! You're the Best!

June 29, 2006

Whitlock and Hemingway have both written for the KC Star. Depressing, ain't it?

The Royals are threatening to have a winning record for the month of June. They are one game under .500 with two games remaining.

With the team playing relatively well, material for this blog hasn't been so easy to come by. Don't worry, that's a good thing. I hope that within the next two seasons, the Royals make it nearly impossible for me to do my stupid little jokes.

Luckily, I'll always have material with idiots like Jason Whitlock also writing about the team.

After mostly ignoring the Royals in his column for over a decade, Jason spent the last week hating on David Glass every day in a lame attempt to get his press credentials pulled.

He is the worst kind of sportswriter; the kind that puts himself in every story. Who makes the story about himself. Who piles on well after the piling on has ceased to be interesting or relevant. Who plays the race card. Who wants to get a regular gig on one of those stupid ESPN shows with the talking heads, but never will because he rarely says anything insightful. Which is pretty pathetic, considering none of those guys do, either.

As a sports-comedy blogger, I don't claim to be any better than Whitlock. You see, I'm the kind of writer who always goes for the cheap joke.

But who would you rather read?

I thought so.

So, time for me to makey-make with the cheap joke.

Jason Whitlock is morbidly obese and hasn't seen his own penis in fifteen years.

There ya go.

Oh, you want a picture to illustrate my point?

Is that what you want?

There ya go.

Now makey-make with the laughy-laughs.

(And feel free to make that your desktop background. I have.)

Unfortunately, the Royals official site isn't much better than Whitlock. Recently, they posted a bizarre article that continually tried to make connections between Doug Mientkiewicz and Ernest Hemingway, but really only got as far as saying, "they both dig fishing."

The article did provide this awesome nugget that I was unaware of, however:

Dougie's son is named Steel.

Steel Mientkiewicz.

Not nicknamed. Named named.

Guaranteeing he will grow up to be either a professional wrestler or a gay pornstar.


Seriously, though, Dougie's been playing well lately. And Grudzielanek hasn't.

Meaning my mockery of twelve-lettered Royals infielders may soon shift in focus.

Eh, what the hell's the point?

If we're lucky, they'll both be traded for some decent prospects soon.

And I can continue photoshopping Whitlock's head onto fat, ugly, space-slugs for your entertainment.

Go Royals! You're the Best!

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