April 11, 2006

Damon Demon Damien Duh.

Our beloved Royals have been assigned the unenviable task of playing the Yankees in their home opener this afternoon. KC heads into New York with a 2-3 record, having dropped a pair to the Tiggers and taken two of three from the World Champion White Stockings.

The great Yanks-Royals rivalry was briefly renewed last summer when maybe the worst ever KC team executed a three game sweep of New York. It was one of the hot stories last year, along with the Royals' 19 game losing streak and Barry Bonds' ever-growing melon.

Last night on Letterman, I witnessed a lovefest between Dave, Billy Crystal, and former KC golden boy Johnny Damon. Despite the moussed coif and Abercrombie jeans, he still exhibits the brainpower of his old caveman appearance. It's okay though. You don't need a high IQ to play centerfield for the Yanks. Apparently, a weak throwing arm will get you $52 million.

In case you're wondering, yes, I still hate Johnny Damon. Probably more now than ever before. I had gotten over his well executed escape plan from KC all those years ago. He had turned into something of a joke by growing out his hair and beard, looking more like a sasquatch than a ballplayer. I was even kind of happy to see him help the Red Sox finally win the series, even if it did result in a terrible Jimmy Fallon movie. (Is there any other kind of Jimmy Fallon movie?)

Anywho, as a Royals fan it is my duty to hate all things Yankee. And Johnny Damon is a Yankee. A sell-out. He's gone from unassuming mid-westerner to hairy freak to metrosexual.

What a career.

What a joke.

A man sells his soul to Steinbrenner when he signs a contract with the Yankees.

No lie.

I'm ready to declare Johnny Damon as the son of Lucifer.


Judge for yourself:

Aw, I can't stay mad at him, you're saying to yourself, he looks so adorable in that graveyard with his intent to destroy all of mankind.

Don't be fooled, I say.

Because if his rag-arm leads the Yankees to a World Series Championship....

May God have mercy on our souls.

Luckily, the Royals have the ability to help divert this catastrophe.

Three games at Yankee Stadium this week. Three wins.

They can do it.

What's more...

They must do it.

Go Royals! 159-3! You're the best!

1 comment:

  1. ha! Nice job with the omen parody. Too bad the Royals couldn't hold off the Yanks in the opener. Maybe they'll be able to win behind Affeldt tomorrow.


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