April 14, 2006

Escape from New York

The Royals crawl out of New York after a three game sweep. Overall, that puts their record at 2-6, good for last place in the AL Central.

Playing the Yankees is no longer like playing a baseball team. It's like a gang of asshole superhuman mutants from... uh, hell, I don't know... outer space or 20,000 fathoms or Yucca Flats or something.

Anyway, they aren't human.

We already know Johnny Damon is Mephistopheles Jr. But, what about these other crimes against humanity we call the Yankees?

Well, let's take a look, shall we?

Mild mannered Jason Giambi wasn't cutting it as a minor leaguer, so he bombarded himself with Gamma Rays provided by BALCO Pharmaceuticals. The result is a giant green monster who excels in hitting home runs and striking out.


Then, of course, there's Hideki Matsui, whom the Yankees openly admit is, in reality, Godzilla from Monster Island.


Now ARod may seem fairly harmless, because he's not an enormously muscular freak. He even has a weakness... money. But don't be fooled by his pretty-boy good looks and easy going nature.

For when the moon is full...


And of course, there's Jeter, the killer doll.

"Look who's stalking!"

Really, the Royals are lucky they got out of New York alive. This $200 million dollar lineup is literally a Murderer's Row.

Thankfully, they move on to Tampa Bay.

Closest thing they have to a monster is Jorge Cantu.

And that's just because he's ugly.

Go Royals! You're the Best!


  1. your insane lol


  2. Anonymous1:08 PM

    I'm pretty sure that's the most adequate description of the Yankee's lineup I've ever seen. I'd love to see your take on Miguel Cairo...or that Wang cat.

    - Jason


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