April 19, 2006

Oh for the Road Trip: Hope Springs Eternal or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Assume the Royals Will Win the Pennant

The Royals get a much undeserved day off tomorrow. Undeserved because they haven’t played baseball since the third game of the season.

Buddy Bell decided that an off day tomorrow wasn’t enough for his team, so he benched his five best starters, including Reggie Sanders, Mike Sweeney and Mark Grudzielanek.

Pretty much guaranteeing that the team would lose their 10th straight.

Which they did.

While nearly being no-hit.

When will it end? Won’t somebody please think of the children?

I was going to do a recap of each those ten losses for you today. In fact, I did the first three before deciding to quit.

It was just too painful.

Bullpens imploding, starting pitchers lasting less than three innings, being swept by Tampa, Paul Bako getting starts, almost getting no hit twice….

I think you know where I’m going with this.

The Royals are priming themselves for one of the greatest comebacks in baseball history. Don’t be surprised to see them lose the next twenty or thirty straight. That’s the new plan. Lose a ton of embarrassing games, build an insurmountable deficit, then come together as a team with a little luck and some previously unknown talent and whup some ass.

That’s how these dream seasons go.

Don’t believe me?

Ever seen Major League? The Bad News Bears? Rookie of the Year? Angels in the Outfield? Major League II? The Natural? Mr. 3000? Little Big League? That movie with Matt LeBlanc and the chimpanzee? Major League III?

So here is what I predict happens when the Royals begin making their big push this July:

David Glass kicks the bucket and the team is willed to a teenager with some wacky ideas about how to run the team. Across town, a foster child’s real father promises his son that “we’ll be a family again when the Royals win the pennant.”

The child prays and Christopher Lloyd and a bunch of Angels show up to help the team. Mac Suzuki will rejoin the team and yell that Emil Brown has no marbles. A chimpanzee and a golden retriever will play gold glove defense at third base and right field, respectively. The chimp will take the batting title easily.

A kid will snap a tendon in his arm, join KC and throw 100 mph fastballs until the game that decides whether or not the Royals win the division. Then he will “float it.” (A baseball, not a turd.)

C'mon, it's gonna be a fun season. Hidden ball tricks. Walter Matthau. Foul mouthed kids. A bat named Wonderboy. Bernie Mac. A trio of goon brothers who beat the shit out of the other team. Oh wait, that was Slap Shot. Well, it's the same principle. Even if it was hockey.

Anyway, never give up hope Royals fans! When the team is nothing more than a joke on Jimmy Kimmel Live, we'll know it's time.

Time to make our move.

The goofy mishmash of ragtag losers will pull together and win.

And win big.

Oh yes, they will.

Go Royals! You're the Best!

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