April 4, 2006

Opening Day: Quotent Quotables

Well, the Royals dropped their opener again this year in a tepid, 3-1 game.

That means they've won just two of their last eight games to start a season.

Big Whoop, right Mark Teahen?

"It's one of 162."

One of 162 games, he meant.

Not one of 162 losses.

Aside from a chubby little redhead from Utah, Chris "Shelty" Shelton, smacking a couple of barely gone homers for the Tiggers, there wasn't much excitement yesterday.

Maybe the most excitement for me came in the man throwing the first pitch, Oscar winner Chris Cooper.

Any advice for the new look Royals, Chris?

"Adaptation is a profound process."

Unfortunately, adapting to Detroit's pitching wasn't easy yesterday.

David DeJesus, you guys were facing that psycho cameraman assaulter and America's Troubador, Kenny Rogers. You were lucky to hit as well as you did against him.

"He was sinking everything and throwing slower and slower and slower."

My roommate in college used the old slow pitch technique on me all the time when we played RBI Baseball on Nintendo.

It was nearly impossible to hit his 32 mph fastball.

Especially after I had been drinking malt liquor all day.

Despite being a temperamental jerk, his outing against the Royals proves Kenny is a very smart pitcher.

"I'm probably the smartest person I know. "

Um, thanks Chris.

After Rogers left the game, Doug Mientkiewicz, you had to face young fireballer Joel Zumaya in his major league debut. Not only was he throwing smoke, the shadows had crept in front of home plate and you had trouble picking up his pitches.

"He was throwing 100 mph in the dark. All you can do is swing early and use Jedi mind tricks.”

Still, we should be encouraged by our own pitching, especially Elmer Des-

"Darkness falls. Bad things happen."

Dynamite drop-in, Chris.

As I was saying, the Royals pitching was really-

"Proboscis means 'nose,' by the way."

Alright Chris, since you won't leave me alone, do you have any final words of baseball wisdom for the Royals before you head back to Hollywood and I post this blog?

"This isn't a pissing contest."

Beautiful, Chris.

Just beautiful.

Go Royals! 161-1! You're the best!

1 comment:

  1. The Great Santini3:03 PM

    Hello, sports fans!


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