May 20, 2006

1-70 Series in Glorious 8-Bit Color: Game Three

Last night, the Royals lost their seventh straight game. They've been swept in more series than they haven't.

And last night was ridiculous. They built a five run lead on Cy Young winner, Chris Carpenter, only to piss it away. Spectacularly. After that debacle, I'm sure we're all ready to return to our 8-bit fantasy world. Here we go:


So, two days ago, I stupidly decided to start Elarton in Games One and Three. Hernandez dominated yesterday. Elarton pitched like dookie in Game One. Would it be a cop out for me to remove Elarton for Hernandez at the first sign of trouble? Probably. But it’s the Royals. They need all the help they can get.

The game started off with a DeJesus single. He immediately stole second to get into scoring position.

But then Grudz struck out. Brown grounded out to second, moving DeJesus to third. It was up to Sweeney to get him home.

And he tripled!

Royals 1, Cards 0

Sanders followed with an RBI double. Matt Stairs struck out to end the inning, but the Royals were up by two after one half inning.

Time to see if I can control Elarton. First batter, Eckstein: single up the middle. Second batter, Encarnacion: Fielder’s choice. Third batter, Pujols: Double Play!

Well done, Scott. But your command still sucks.

The bottom of the Royals order went down 1-2-3 in the next inning. Surprise, surprise. Elarton doesn’t hit very well, either.

Fourth batter, Rolen: double down the right field line. Fifth batter, Edmonds: single to left. Sixth batter, Bigbie: RBI fielder's choice. Seventh batter, Spivey: long fly to left, hooking just foul. Yeah. Time for Fat Elvys.

C’mon. You want us to take the series, don’t you?

Hernandez let two of the inherited runners score, but struck out Encarnacion to end the inning. Elarton’s final line: 1 inning, 6 hits, 2 runs. That’s an 18.00 ERA, but it could have been worse if he’d stayed in.

DeJesus led off the next inning with a double, but then was doubled off second when Grudz lines out to the shortstop.

Emil Brown, of course, then popped out to end the inning.

Hernandez was looking good again, though. He struck out Pujols on three straight pitches to begin the third.

Rolen and Edmonds also went down without a fight.

Sweeney led off the fourth with a jack to left center. Just like that it was Royals 3, Cards 2.

And check out all the blue in the stands for the Sunday game. There’s a lot of young fans out there for the Sluggerrr Growth Chart.

In the bottom of the inning, Larry Bigbie struck out for like the twelfth time in the series. He’s really been the whipping boy of the 8-bit 1-70 Series. Well, aside from Elarton.

Above: Bigbie Goes Down.

In the fifth, the Cards replaced Carpenter with Mulder. This confused the hell out of me. Just the game before, Mulder had given up fourteen runs in seven innings before leaving the game. Today, Carpenter gave up three runs in four innings, and they brought in the guy that sucked ass the day before.

They would immediately pay for their stupidity. DeJesus led off the inning with a solo dong to right field. Then, after a Berroa double, Emil Brown hit one out.

For some reason, it looks like the fans have switched team allegiances, wearing more red now. Maybe that growth chart sucked.

Here. Judge for yourself:

What a crappy promotion.

Then Sweeney barely cleared the fence to make it back-to-back homers. And I began to think that the 8-bit Cards were purposely throwing the game. Those dirty bastards.

In any case, Royals 7, Cards 2.

Hernandez continued to pitch well. He hadn’t allowed a hit since coming into the game. In fact, he got an infield single in the sixth, meaning he had more hits than any of the batters he’d pitched to. Finally, with two outs in the seventh, Edmonds doubled to end Fat Elvys’ hitless streak. But Bigbie came up and ran into more hard luck. He lined to third where Mark Teahen made an amazing leap to snag the ball and end the threat.


Poor, poor Bigbie. I can imagine the Royals trading for him after this sad performance.

Hernandez gave up a triple to Spivey to start the seventh inning. And after getting the next batter to pop out, the Cards pinch-hit So “Did you know your first name is an adverb?” Taguchi for Mulder.

Hernandez struck him out on a beautiful 50 mph fastball. Sure, Chubbs was getting tired. At least he was still getting K’s.

Then Fatty got Eckstein on a weak grounder to first to strand Spivey on third. Still, Royals 7, Cards 2 with Isringhausen coming in to pitch the eighth for St. Louis.

Izzy immediately gave up three straight doubles to Stairs, Teahen and Buck to make it 9-2. This brought Runelvys to the plate, so it was time for a pinch hitter. I decided to go with the lefty hitter, your favorite backup catcher and mine, Paul Bako.

Of course, he struck out on three pitches.

But then, DeJesus hit the fourth double of the inning. Royals 10, Cards 2.

In the bottom of the inning, MacDougal came in and struck out the side.

Stairs contributed a homer in the ninth to give KC an insurance run.

Maybe the most exciting thing in the game happened in the bottom of the ninth, as Doogie tried to close it out. That’s right, Larry Bigbie got his first hit of the game. A broken bat infield single that he narrowly beat out.

It was like the final scene of Rudy. I had tears in my eyes. Good for you, Bigbie. Good for you.

Shortly thereafter, Bigbie was tagged out trying to steal second.

But still.

Maybe it was Bigbie’s hit that did it, but Doogie looked lost out on the mound. He gave up two straight singles. And then, a three run homer by another Rudy-esque character, David Eckstein.

MacDougal regained his composure and got the next two batters to ground out, ending the game and the series.


Champions of the 8-bit 1-70 Series, your Kan City Royals.

What a great time to be a fan of a Nintendo Royals team. And what a horrible time to be a fan of an actual Royals team. Oh well, the 8-bitters in blue bounced back after a bad first game. Let's hope the 2-bit losers in blue can do the same.

Go 2-bit losers in blue! You're the best!


  1. Tony LaRussa4:16 PM

    david eckstein blows goats (i have proof)

  2. Geez, I wonder what Eck did to Tony...
    Good to see the Royals win something. Still hanging on as a fan; I just can't seem to let go...


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