May 7, 2006

My GM Short List by David Glass

According to reports, Allard Baird will be fired by Wednesday of this week.

I've managed to find David Glass' list of possible replacements for the GM position of the Kansas City Royals along with David's notes about the candidates.

Here it is:

My GM Short List
by David Glass

(1) Billy Heywood

Baseball Experience: Former GM and manager of the Minnesota Twins.
How I know him: The $5.50 DVD bin at Wal-Mart.

Cons: He's a fictional character.

(2) Tawny Kitaen

Baseball Experience: Ex-wife of Pitcher Chuck Finley. Marriage ended when she tried to beat him to death with her shoe.
How I know her: Bachelor Party is my favorite movie.

Pros: Heel marks in Buddy Bell's forehead every time he starts Doug Mientkiewicz.
Cons: Heel marks in my forehead every time I slash payroll.

(3) Charlie Sheen
Baseball Experience:
Acted as a ballplayer in Major League I and II and Eight Men Out.
How I know him: We met through Heidi Fleiss.

Pros: New uniforms from the Sheen Kidz clothing line.
Cons: Kind of a dick.

(4) Herk Robinson
Baseball Experience:
Traded Mark Gubicza, Brian McRae, Bret Saberhagen, David Cone, Kirk Gibson, Kevin Appier, Jeff Conine, and Glendon Rusch away for... well, dookie.
How I know him: Through the Royals.

Pros: Used to losing.
Cons: See Baseball Experience.

(5) Dan Glass
Baseball Experience:
Current Royals Team President.
How I know him: He's my idiot son.

Pros: Good for Danny's career.
Cons: Me : Dan Glass :: George Bush : George W. Bush

(6) Edie Johnstone
Baseball Experience:
Works in Wal-Mart sporting goods department in Festus, Missouri.
How I know her: Holds record for most consecutive Wal-Mart employee of the month titles (3).

Pros: A proven winner. Low salary. Can help take down that evil players' union.
Cons: Doesn't want to relocate.

(7) Lucifer
Baseball Experience: Currently is Ty Cobb's drinking buddy. Sold human growth hormone to Barry Bonds.
How I know him: Fellow member of the Wal-Mart Board of Directors.

Pros: Well groomed. Able to withstand Kansas City's boiling summers.
Cons: A Yankees fan.

(8) Mordecai "Three Finger" Brown
Baseball Experience: Hall of Fame Pitcher.
How I know him: Saw his plaque at Cooperstown. Looked like a nice enough guy. Plus, he's only got three fingers.

Pros: Can teach the staff the correct way to throw a split finger pitch.
Cons: Has been dead for 58 years.

(9) Tom Emanski
Baseball Experience: The Guru of Instructional Baseball Videos.
How I know him: They've been showing the commercial for his "Defensive Drills" video on ESPN for fifteen years.

Pros: Endorsed by Fred McGriff. Can teach fundamentals to the team.
Cons: It would be cheaper to just order the videos.

(10) Sluggerrr
Baseball Experience: Royals Mascot since 1996.
How I know him: He's the only one in the Royals organization that will hug me.

Pros: More kids will become Royals fans.
Cons: He smells like dirty socks and farts.

If every single one of them turns down the job, I can always give it to Muzzy Jackson.

I've always wanted to learn a foreign language anyway.


So there you have it folks. I'm holding out hope that he grabs someone from a successful team's front office, but we could certainly do worse than Lucifer.

Go Edie Johnstone! You're the Best!

1 comment:

  1. I hear Steve Phillips has been looking for work....

    Seriously though, nice blog. Very funny and more importantly, irreverent.


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