May 25, 2006


The Royals are a bad team. And the attendance is starting to take a hit because of it. So what brings the fans in if the quality of the team sucks?

That's right. Promotions, promotions, promotions.

Bill Veeck knew it.

The Royals do a decent enough job of getting butts in the seats. They have several t-shirt nights, bobblehead nights, and Buck Nights (where hot dogs, small sodas and peanuts are a buck a pop). But they are missing something. I'm talking promotions that actually make the game on the field worth watching.

I have a few ideas, though.

1) Replace the basepaths with Crocodile Mile or some other reasonable facsimile. It would make for some entertaining base running as well as give Berroa an excuse for the errors he makes.

2) Forget the Seventh Inning Stretch. Each game, between the top and bottom of the seventh, Runelvys Hernandez and Matt Stairs will engage in a pie-eating contest. The winner of said contest will get to take a nap for the remainder of the game.

3) Fire Buddy Bell and hire a different celebrity guest manager for each game.
Today's guest manager: Al Roker!

4) Four Words: Jeremy Affeldt Dance Party!

Look at that marvelous bastard dance!

Any other promotional ideas? Go ahead and post them in the comments section.

I'll pick the best idea and the winner will get... well, nothing, really.

Er, I mean, my respect.


You want that, don't you?

I knew you did.

Go Royals! You're the best!


  1. Dick Howser6:44 PM

    Hey assholes, thanks for giving my retired number to Al Roker. Jesus H. Christ.

  2. Anonymous9:42 PM

    what about strippers on the flag poles? Just an idea...

  3. Oh, man! From one die-hard/disgraced Royals fan to another this shit is hilarious. Congratulations on making it onto Deadspin.

  4. Anonymous9:51 AM

    Everyone email Mark Cuban at and lets try to convince him to buy the Royals. Or go to and use the contact form.

    I know it's not likely to happen but it can't hurt to see what he might have to say about it.

  5. Slugger would be excellent jumping through some hoops of fire. And Buddy Bell could put his head in Slugger's mouth. And then a tiny clown car comes onto the field, and all the players get out, and man, how did they fit all the Royals into that tiny car?

    Royals + Circus = Gold

  6. they could just sell the tickets half price, because you only get to watch 1 major league team anyways.


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