June 29, 2006

Whitlock and Hemingway have both written for the KC Star. Depressing, ain't it?

The Royals are threatening to have a winning record for the month of June. They are one game under .500 with two games remaining.

With the team playing relatively well, material for this blog hasn't been so easy to come by. Don't worry, that's a good thing. I hope that within the next two seasons, the Royals make it nearly impossible for me to do my stupid little jokes.

Luckily, I'll always have material with idiots like Jason Whitlock also writing about the team.

After mostly ignoring the Royals in his column for over a decade, Jason spent the last week hating on David Glass every day in a lame attempt to get his press credentials pulled.

He is the worst kind of sportswriter; the kind that puts himself in every story. Who makes the story about himself. Who piles on well after the piling on has ceased to be interesting or relevant. Who plays the race card. Who wants to get a regular gig on one of those stupid ESPN shows with the talking heads, but never will because he rarely says anything insightful. Which is pretty pathetic, considering none of those guys do, either.

As a sports-comedy blogger, I don't claim to be any better than Whitlock. You see, I'm the kind of writer who always goes for the cheap joke.

But who would you rather read?

I thought so.

So, time for me to makey-make with the cheap joke.

Jason Whitlock is morbidly obese and hasn't seen his own penis in fifteen years.

There ya go.

Oh, you want a picture to illustrate my point?

Is that what you want?

There ya go.

Now makey-make with the laughy-laughs.

(And feel free to make that your desktop background. I have.)

Unfortunately, the Royals official site isn't much better than Whitlock. Recently, they posted a bizarre article that continually tried to make connections between Doug Mientkiewicz and Ernest Hemingway, but really only got as far as saying, "they both dig fishing."

The article did provide this awesome nugget that I was unaware of, however:

Dougie's son is named Steel.

Steel Mientkiewicz.

Not nicknamed. Named named.

Guaranteeing he will grow up to be either a professional wrestler or a gay pornstar.


Seriously, though, Dougie's been playing well lately. And Grudzielanek hasn't.

Meaning my mockery of twelve-lettered Royals infielders may soon shift in focus.

Eh, what the hell's the point?

If we're lucky, they'll both be traded for some decent prospects soon.

And I can continue photoshopping Whitlock's head onto fat, ugly, space-slugs for your entertainment.

Go Royals! You're the Best!


  1. Anonymous12:03 AM

    i heart jason fatlock!!

  2. Wow, I did not know that Hemingway was an Eagles fan. No wonder he blew his head off.

  3. Wow.

    Steel Mientkiewicz.

    that is so incredibley lame... but, given the state of the world, its only average-bad

    at least its spelled correctly, and isn't alliterative, like Mike or something

    the last name as first name trend is also unbearable


  4. apbhbuYou might want to get a few facts before you start writing. Stel Mientkiewicz is named after Steel Russell. Steel Russell is my grandson. His full name is William Steel Russell,; Steel is my Grandmother's maiden name. So there.


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