August 10, 2006

Emil and Roeper

I was poking around the Royals official website and I stumbled upon THE BEST THING EVER.

All summer, Emil Brown has been reviewing movies. You can read them here. I found them to be pretty hilarious, especially his reviews for Saw II, Grizzly Man, and Batman Begins.

But, there just aren't enough reviews. I need more of Emil's opinions. So, I've decided to imagine Emil's reviews for other films. This is the first part in a 39 part series.

Here goes:

Every summer for the past decade, Emil Brown has struggled to make a big league team. To cope, he watched a lot of movies. A lot. Like, more movies than a healthy, well-adjusted, socially functional person would ever watch. Then, last year, he finally got a legitimate shot with the Royals and had a good season. So good he made the team again this year, with a $1.7 million dollar paycheck. With all that moolah, Emil Brown has built a private theater in his house. When he is not on the baseball field, you can find him in his theater, watching anything from You've Got Mail to the little seen Smokey and the Bandit 3: Smokey is the Bandit. Royales with Cheese cornered Emil at a Blockbuster recently and had him scribble down the following reviews for our reading pleasure.


The Tommy Boy (1995)
I like this movie a lot! Chris Farley was funny, but he died because he did a speedball. A speedball is heroin and cocaine together at the same time. It'll get you real high! This movie was funny. David Spade and Farley are funny together. The Black Sheep was also good. Brandon Duckworth was in that one as a crazy guy in the woods! Chris Farley sells brake pads and is real real dumb. If you haven't rented it, then rent it! And then once you have rented it, watch it! And then laugh while you are watching the rented movie! I like it because it is FUNNY!

The Billy Elliot (2000)
This was a good one! Billy is a boy who likes to dance. But the message of the movie is just because you act like a girl doesn't mean you are a gay! But even if he was a gay, it would be a good movie. The Brokeback Mountain was good and there was really lots of gay in it. But I liked this movie. It was a little boring towards the end. There should have been a building blowed up or a car chase! A girl might like this more than a guy, if you are a guy. But I liked it. Don't tell anyone!

The Sin City (2005)
This should have been called The Freakin' Awesome City because that's what it was: Freakin' Awesome. It had good chases and guns and boobs in it! I wish it was all in color because black and white is for old movies. Like really old! Even movies from the 50's had color! But this only had a little color. The boobs should have been in color, at least! The part with the guy shooting the other guy and then the one where the guy got hit by the car and the girl who dances in the bar were the best parts but the other parts were all good too. This was a comic book and they are going to make more The Sin City's because they made more stories in the comic books. I can't wait for the next one. It will be Freakin' Awesome. Maybe the next one will be in color too!

The The Shining (1980)
This was scary and I was scared plenty when I watched it. Jack Nicholson is a good actor and he acts real good in this movie. He yells a lot and drinks with a ghost and there is a naked ghost woman who is pretty good looking but she turns green when he kisses her like she was a giant frog or something! That part was SCARY! And there is blood in the hallway and dead twins that made me cover my eyes but I don't want to give it all away. Just gotta say, "Here's Johnny!" Go watch this really scary movie. Oh yeah, Scatman Crothers was in it and he was good too. I like him as The Hong Kong Phooey the best though because it is funny dog who does kung fu and not so scary as haunted house!

The March of The Penguins (2005)
This movie was boring. The penguins walk in a line and that is about it. They are cute but man they are not cute enough for two hours! Mike Sweeney told me this was really good but he always likes movies like The Bibleman and The Left Behind so he isn't the best guy to rent a movie with. I made him watch The House of The 1000 Corpses with me and he left after like less than two minutes! It was hilarious because there was blood and knives and guts and Mike only likes blood when it is in movies about the Bible times or The Rambo. So watch The House of The 1000 Corpses but don't watch the penguin movie!

The The Hours (2002)
This movie was good drama. It was confusing because it was in different times a lot. Some parts were back in time in the 50's and one time was real old with Nicole Kidman and a ugly nose. She would be a brown bagger for sure! The movie was sad. The woman in the 1950's made me cry. She was so sad. And I was sad too because it was sad! But I fell asleep before the end so I don't know if they all die or something cool happens like maybe they all get in a time machine and go hang out in the future together like in a space restaurant where the Jetsons go to. I'm gonna watch more of it sometime so don't tell me the end!

The Critters 2: The Main Course (1988)
Oh man, they named this one The Critters 2 because the 2 stands for twice as good as The Critters which was also real good. But I like this one a lot because it is an Easter movie. There aren't many Easter movies but this is the best one! There is an Easter Bunny who gets ate by The Critters. I used to have nightmares about The Critters because they can shoot quills and roll real fast but now I like them and I keep trying to find one because I want to buy it for a pet. That would be cool! My friend Angel Berroa would come over and be like oh my god there is one of The Critters rolling around in here, holy crap man, that's crazy! And I'd be like, no man. That's just my pet Critter. His name is Mississippi Fred. He is a good Critter. Cool it, man. Oh that would be awesome! If you know where to find one of The Critters, let me know. Or if you have one to sell, I will buy it. I have a lot of money! I like all of The Critter Movies, but this is the best!

The Casablanca (1946)
Buddy Bell told me that if I was gonna call myself a movie buff I should see this movie. He is the coach so I watched the movie. It sucked ass! I took it out and watched The Happy Gilmore for like the 700th time so I would forget about The Casablanca. The Happy Gilmore was real funny and I laughed so hard I farted!

Thanks for reading my reviews. I'm Emil Brown and I watch the movies and tell you whether I like them or not!

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And oh yeah, Go Royals! You're the Best!

1 comment:

  1. And here I'd thought, "Wow, I wonder where he dug up that crappy photo of Brown." And, "He has to be going a little over-the-top with those inane movie reviews."

    Then I clicked on the link for the real Emil Brown reviews.

    Pardon me for doubting you, good sir.


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