As we all know, Steinbrenner has scoured the universe for the greatest ballplayers. You may remember my theory that the Yankees are actually superhuman monsters with no regard for human life or the Collective Bargaining Agreement.
If you missed it, I'd consider it maybe the finest post in this blog's history. Click here to check it out.
Based on the success of the first one, why not bust out a sequel?
So here goes, with part two of the NY Rogues Gallery.
The Real Murderer's Row:
Mariano Rivera was once a mild mannered janitor at Yankee Stadium. He hosed down the pee troughs and took pride in replacing the urinal cakes before they melted. Until one day, when he was burned alive by a malicious group of Major League Team Owners headed by David Glass. Rivera returned as a monster with an assortment of deadly pitches that haunt the dreams of every one of those Team Owner's players.
"One, two, Mariano's coming for you."
Sure, they have one of the worst minor league farm systems in all of baseball. That didn't stop Mad Scientist George Steinbrenner. He cut off the best body parts he had from no less than seven Columbus Clippers and sewed them together to create Melky Cabrera. Unfortunately, Georgie's assistant, Igor Cashman, mistook a giant head for a big brain. As a result, the Creature doesn't know how to field flyballs.
Randy Johnson. He's old. He's tall. He's creepy as hell. And even worse, he's got deadly flying spheres and a gang of evil dwarves (Tony Pena, Ron Guidry and Larry Bowa) on his side.
And finally, if Hideki Matsui is Godzilla, then Chien-Ming Wang is obviously Mothra.
"Insert sound a moth makes here."
So there you have it. Even more indisputable proof that the Yankees are not of this world.
Good luck with those brutes this weekend, Kansas City.
Don't forget to pack your holy water and crucifixes.
And pray for a quick death.
But who knows?
Melkenstein may take one off the noggin and give us a win.
Stranger things have happened.
Go Royals! You're the Best!