Match Game '06

Gene Rayburn: Welcome back to Match Game '06. Today we have a special edition about the Kansas City Royals. Let's get right into the game, shall we?


Audience: [APPLAUSE]


Gene Rayburn: Okay, Judy, it's your turn. "Royals games are so boring..."


Audience: HOW BORING ARE THEY?





Gene Rayburn: Thank you audience. Ahem, "Royals games are so boring that the only way their fans can watch is to have [BLANK] on the brain."


Audience: HAHAHHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHA!


Theme Music: Wownt chica achica chica chica wownt chica achica chicha chica wownt chica....


Gene Rayburn: Everyone has their answers locked in? Wow, that was fast. Alrighty, Judy, I'll read the question once again and then you'll give me your answer. Here we go... "Royals games are so boring that the only way their fans can watch is to have [BLANK] on the brain."





Judy: Umm... Boobs?


Audience: HAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAAHAHA!


Gene Rayburn: Wow. What a rotten answer. But you never know with this panel. Let's start with David Glass. David, what did you come up with?





David Glass: Well, I went with "The Future."


Producers: [BUZZ]


Audience: BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!


Gene Rayburn: Ah, Mr. Glass. You've been saying that since you bought the team.


David Glass: Maybe I should've said Dayton Moore.


Audience: [APPLAUSE]


Gene Rayburn: I think the audience agrees. Let's move onto David DeJesus. David, what did you say Royals fans have on the brain... uh, rather than the game?





David DeJesus: Nanoo, nanoo. Shazbutt. Look, I'm Crazy Markers in His Ears Guy! I've got markers in my damn ears! Isn't that... Cuh-razy?!! Now give me some candy!


Audience: .....


Gene Rayburn: Okay David, let's have your answer.


David DeJesus: Yeah, that's the ticket! SHOW ME THE MONEY! Don't have a cow, man! I ...like ...to eat ...the peanut butter... first!


Gene Rayburn: Let's just count this as a match and move on, shall we?





Producers: [DING]


Gene Rayburn: Alright, one match. Let's move onto--


David DeJesus: Did I do that?!?!


Gene Rayburn: Aw jeez, no Urkel. Just... please. Enough. Okay, let's move onto Charles Nelson Reilly. Charles, your answer please.





Producers: [BUZZ]


Audience: BOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!


Charles Nelson Reilly: Oh, boo yourself.



Gene Rayburn: I dunno. I like that one. Bird doodie on the brain. Okay, moving on. Jeremy Affeldt, what did you come up with?





Producers: [DING]




Gene Rayburn: Well done. Jeremy obviously has JUDY'S BOOBS on the brain!


Audience: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHHHAAAA! ROFLMAO LOLERZ!!111!!!11!!1!




Gene Rayburn: Alright, that's two matches. George Brett, what did you write down?


George Brett: Well, I thought long and hard about this answer.


Gene Rayburn: Yes, and what did you come up with?


George Brett: I'm a little embarrassed.


Gene Rayburn: Let's see...


George Brett: Well, I answered--




Producers: [BUZZ]


Gene Rayburn: Wow. That's topical.


Audience: [VOMITS]


Gene Rayburn: Alright, two so far, and we'll go to Angel and Lester. What did you two knuckleheads come up with?





Angel Berroa: Well, Lester and I had an extensive discussion and came to the conclusion that--


Lester: Lambchop is a bitch.


Angel Berroa: Lester... please. Children could be watching.


Lester: You've got your hand up my ass and you're talking to me about inappropriate behavior?


Angel Berroa: Wait. This is... er, I, uh, don't speak English. Yeah. No habla Englais.


Lester: Oh, he speaks it, alright.


Angel Berroa: Donde esta de biblioteka?


Lester: Gene, we answered "Boobs."


Producers: [DING]


Angel Berroa: Lester!


Gene Rayburn: Three matches! Nice job, panel.


Audience: [APPLAUSE]


Gene Rayburn: Didn't I die, like, seven years ago?


Me: Go Royals! You're the best!


You: Never blog drunk again!


Audience: [APPLAUSE]


(For more Match Game madness, click here.)

He Gone!

It looks like Glass has finally done something right!

Miracles do happen.

First we get Dayton Moore.

Then we get the respectability.

Then we get the wins.

Then we get the power.

Then we get the women.



Go Royals! You're the Best!

Are we getting this guy or what?

So the long weekend is over and everyone has to go back to work, including David Glass. The Royals faithful are hoping this means a completed deal/press conference/general outpouring of emotion with the signing of Braves assistant GM Dayton Moore as the new head GM for the Kansas City Royals.

You may be asking, Dayton Moore? The beef stew guy?

Sorry. You're thinking of Dinty Moore. Not the same guy.


No, Dayton Moore is probably the best candidate for a GM position in all of Major League Baseball. It would be a coup for a team like the Royals, perhaps the worst franchise of this millenium, to get a guy like Moore.

He would be the saviour, the one man who could make the team respectable once again.

Basically, this is how Royals fans see Dayton Moore:

And this is David Glass if he does the right thing and signs Moore:



But if Glass screws the pooch on this and we end up with Randy Smith or Ed Wade as our GM, Royals fans and those with power in Major League Baseball will likely be all but done with Glass as an owner:



And as much fun as it would be to do the above, we'd all prefer Glass just do the right thing for once in his life.

Cross your fingers.

Go Royals! You're the Best!

Fangs of New York

So the Royals head to Yankee Stadium tonight with a thirteen game losing streak.

As we all know, Steinbrenner has scoured the universe for the greatest ballplayers. You may remember my theory that the Yankees are actually superhuman monsters with no regard for human life or the Collective Bargaining Agreement.

If you missed it, I'd consider it maybe the finest post in this blog's history. Click here to check it out.

Based on the success of the first one, why not bust out a sequel?

So here goes, with part two of the NY Rogues Gallery.

The Real Murderer's Row:

Mariano Rivera was once a mild mannered janitor at Yankee Stadium. He hosed down the pee troughs and took pride in replacing the urinal cakes before they melted. Until one day, when he was burned alive by a malicious group of Major League Team Owners headed by David Glass. Rivera returned as a monster with an assortment of deadly pitches that haunt the dreams of every one of those Team Owner's players.


"One, two, Mariano's coming for you."


Sure, they have one of the worst minor league farm systems in all of baseball. That didn't stop Mad Scientist George Steinbrenner. He cut off the best body parts he had from no less than seven Columbus Clippers and sewed them together to create Melky Cabrera. Unfortunately, Georgie's assistant, Igor Cashman, mistook a giant head for a big brain. As a result, the Creature doesn't know how to field flyballs.


"GROOOOOOOOOAN."


Randy Johnson. He's old. He's tall. He's creepy as hell. And even worse, he's got deadly flying spheres and a gang of evil dwarves (Tony Pena, Ron Guidry and Larry Bowa) on his side.


"BOOOOOOOOOOOOOYYYYYYYY!"


And finally, if Hideki Matsui is Godzilla, then Chien-Ming Wang is obviously Mothra.




"Insert sound a moth makes here."


So there you have it. Even more indisputable proof that the Yankees are not of this world.

Good luck with those brutes this weekend, Kansas City.

Don't forget to pack your holy water and crucifixes.

And pray for a quick death.

But who knows?

Melkenstein may take one off the noggin and give us a win.

Stranger things have happened.

Go Royals! You're the Best!

SUPER TERRIFIC HAPPY PROMOTION FUN TIME

The Royals are a bad team. And the attendance is starting to take a hit because of it. So what brings the fans in if the quality of the team sucks?

That's right. Promotions, promotions, promotions.

Bill Veeck knew it.

The Royals do a decent enough job of getting butts in the seats. They have several t-shirt nights, bobblehead nights and Buck Nights (where hot dogs, small sodas and peanuts are a buck a pop). But they are missing something. I'm talking promotions that actually make the game on the field worth watching.

I have a few ideas, though.

1) Replace the basepaths with Crocodile Mile or some other reasonable facsimile. It would make for some entertaining base running as well as give Berroa an excuse for the errors he makes.

2) Forget the Seventh Inning Stretch. Each game, between the top and bottom of the seventh, Runelvys Hernandez and Matt Stairs will engage in a pie-eating contest. The winner of said contest will get to take a nap for the remainder of the game.



3) Fire Buddy Bell and hire a different celebrity guest manager for each game.

Today's guest manager: Al Roker!

4) Four Words: Jeremy Affeldt Dance Party!




Look at that marvelous bastard dance!

Any other promotional ideas? Go ahead and post them in the comments section.

I'll pick the best idea and the winner will get... well, nothing, really.

Er, I mean, my respect.

Yeah.

You want that, don't you?

I knew you did.

Go Royals! You're the best!

The Doug Mientkiewicz Fan Club

Last night, a dozen drunk kids decided to come out to Kauffman Stadium to lend support to lackluster first basemen Doug Mientkiewicz:

They probably did not choose Dougie based on his baseball skills. He's hitting .250 with a .338 OBP and a .331 SLG%. Brought in primarily for defense (because that's all you want at first base... forget any power or hitting ability), Dougie has helped the Royals win 10 out of their first 43 games. Yep, that glove sure has turned the ballclub around. They are now on pace to break the loss record by the 1962 Mets.

But back to the Doug Mientkiewicz Fan Club. These idiots chose him because he has twelve letters in his name. That's it.

But maybe, just maybe, Dougie would look at these goobers and be inspired to play the greatest game of his life and end the Royals' losing streak at 10.

Let's go to the highlights:

Not a good start. In the first, Dougie's ball dropped. Er, I mean, he dropped a ball. At least he managed to avoid looking like an idiot.

While batting in the second, America's Troubador Kenny Rogers drilled Dougie in the ass with a fastball. At least he managed to avoid looking like an idiot.

While running to second, Dougie fell hard on his ass as he tried to slide. At least he managed to... well, he looked pretty foolish by this point in the game.

Dougie's final line: 0-3, 1 K, 1 HBP.

So why didn't these kids start the Mark Grudzielanek Fan Club instead? His last name has twelve letters too. And he's actually good. Marky's line last night: 3-4, 2 HR, 2 RBI, 3 Runs.

Idiot kids.

It's okay.

It could have been worse.

Remember when the Esteban German Fan Club attended a game?

Good times, good times.

Go Royals! You're the best!

1-70 Series in Glorious 8-Bit Color: Game Three

Last night, the Royals lost their seventh straight game. They've been swept in more series than they haven't.

And last night was ridiculous. They built a five run lead on Cy Young winner, Chris Carpenter, only to piss it away. Spectacularly. After that debacle, I'm sure we're all ready to return to our 8-bit fantasy world. Here we go:

GAME THREE

So, two days ago, I stupidly decided to start Elarton in Games One and Three. Hernandez dominated yesterday. Elarton pitched like dookie in Game One. Would it be a cop out for me to remove Elarton for Hernandez at the first sign of trouble? Probably. But it’s the Royals. They need all the help they can get.

The game started off with a DeJesus single. He immediately stole second to get into scoring position.

But then Grudz struck out. Brown grounded out to second, moving DeJesus to third. It was up to Sweeney to get him home.

And he tripled!

Royals 1, Cards 0

Sanders followed with an RBI double. Matt Stairs struck out to end the inning, but the Royals were up by two after one half inning.

Time to see if I can control Elarton. First batter, Eckstein: single up the middle. Second batter, Encarnacion: Fielder’s choice. Third batter, Pujols: Double Play!

Well done, Scott. But your command still sucks.

The bottom of the Royals order went down 1-2-3 in the next inning. Surprise, surprise. Elarton doesn’t hit very well, either.

Fourth batter, Rolen: double down the right field line. Fifth batter, Edmonds: single to left. Sixth batter, Bigbie: RBI fielder's choice. Seventh batter, Spivey: long fly to left, hooking just foul. Yeah. Time for Fat Elvys.

C’mon. You want us to take the series, don’t you?

Hernandez let two of the inherited runners score, but struck out Encarnacion to end the inning. Elarton’s final line: 1 inning, 6 hits, 2 runs. That’s an 18.00 ERA, but it could have been worse if he’d stayed in.

DeJesus led off the next inning with a double, but then was doubled off second when Grudz lines out to the shortstop.

Emil Brown, of course, then popped out to end the inning.

Hernandez was looking good again, though. He struck out Pujols on three straight pitches to begin the third.

Rolen and Edmonds also went down without a fight.

Sweeney led off the fourth with a jack to left center. Just like that it was Royals 3, Cards 2.

And check out all the blue in the stands for the Sunday game. There’s a lot of young fans out there for the Sluggerrr Growth Chart.

In the bottom of the inning, Larry Bigbie struck out for like the twelfth time in the series. He’s really been the whipping boy of the 8-bit 1-70 Series. Well, aside from Elarton.

Above: Bigbie Goes Down.

In the fifth, the Cards replaced Carpenter with Mulder. This confused the hell out of me. Just the game before, Mulder had given up fourteen runs in seven innings before leaving the game. Today, Carpenter gave up three runs in four innings, and they brought in the guy that sucked ass the day before.

They would immediately pay for their stupidity. DeJesus led off the inning with a solo dong to right field. Then, after a Berroa double, Emil Brown hit one out.

For some reason, it looks like the fans have switched team allegiances, wearing more red now. Maybe that growth chart sucked.

Here. Judge for yourself:

What a crappy promotion.

Then Sweeney barely cleared the fence to make it back-to-back homers. And I began to think that the 8-bit Cards were purposely throwing the game. Those dirty bastards.

In any case, Royals 7, Cards 2.

Hernandez continued to pitch well. He hadn’t allowed a hit since coming into the game. In fact, he got an infield single in the sixth, meaning he had more hits than any of the batters he’d pitched to. Finally, with two outs in the seventh, Edmonds doubled to end Fat Elvys’ hitless streak. But Bigbie came up and ran into more hard luck. He lined to third where Mark Teahen made an amazing leap to snag the ball and end the threat.

WEB GEM!

Poor, poor Bigbie. I can imagine the Royals trading for him after this sad performance.

Hernandez gave up a triple to Spivey to start the seventh inning. And after getting the next batter to pop out, the Cards pinch-hit So “Did you know your first name is an adverb?” Taguchi for Mulder.

Hernandez struck him out on a beautiful 50 mph fastball. Sure, Chubbs was getting tired. At least he was still getting K’s.

Then Fatty got Eckstein on a weak grounder to first to strand Spivey on third. Still, Royals 7, Cards 2 with Isringhausen coming in to pitch the eighth for St. Louis.

Izzy immediately gave up three straight doubles to Stairs, Teahen and Buck to make it 9-2. This brought Runelvys to the plate, so it was time for a pinch hitter. I decided to go with the lefty hitter, your favorite backup catcher and mine, Paul Bako.

Of course, he struck out on three pitches.

But then, DeJesus hit the fourth double of the inning. Royals 10, Cards 2.

In the bottom of the inning, MacDougal came in and struck out the side.

Stairs contributed a homer in the ninth to give KC an insurance run.

Maybe the most exciting thing in the game happened in the bottom of the ninth, as Doogie tried to close it out. That’s right, Larry Bigbie got his first hit of the game. A broken bat infield single that he narrowly beat out.

It was like the final scene of Rudy. I had tears in my eyes. Good for you, Bigbie. Good for you.

Shortly thereafter, Bigbie was tagged out trying to steal second.

But still.

Maybe it was Bigbie’s hit that did it, but Doogie looked lost out on the mound. He gave up two straight singles. And then, a three run homer by another Rudy-esque character, David Eckstein.

MacDougal regained his composure and got the next two batters to ground out, ending the game and the series.


KAN CITY WINS! KAN CITY WINS!

Champions of the 8-bit 1-70 Series, your Kan City Royals.

What a great time to be a fan of a Nintendo Royals team. And what a horrible time to be a fan of an actual Royals team. Oh well, the 8-bitters in blue bounced back after a bad first game. Let's hope the 2-bit losers in blue can do the same.

Go 2-bit losers in blue! You're the best!

1-70 Series in Glorious 8-Bit Color: Game Two

GAME TWO


This game had blowout written all over it from the start. Let's begin with the five-run first inning where the 8-bit Royals had six hits, including three triples and a double.

Hernandez followed with a 1-2-3 inning, including a strikeout of Pujols.

Then in the second, things got interesting. Sweeney singled. Then Sanders hit into a fielder's choice when he beat the double play throw. Mientkiewicz followed by grounding to first, where Pujols fielded and threw to second to start another double play. But nobody covered first on the throw back, allowing Minky to take second.


Mark Teahen then hit a shot up the middle and Mientkiewicz scored on the standup RBI triple. The FOURTH triple of the game.


Royals 7, Cardinals 0 after two innings.

And Hernandez, despite that bloated 5.52 ERA, was pitching very well, with five strikeouts in those first two innings.


Above: A nasty cutter for strike three on Larry Bigbie ended the 2nd inning.

Hernandez struck out the side again in the third, meaning he had 8 K's through 9 batters. And a no-hitter going.


And the rest of the Royals bats kept on hitting. Another triple here. A pair of doubles there. A two-run homer by Mientkiewicz. Dougie hitting one out?! Now I know the game isn't realistic.


Following that two run bomb, Fat Elvys waddled up to the plate and popped out to second on a diving play by Spivey to end the inning.

WOW, look at that play. Web Gem nominee, at least.

In the bottom of the inning, Spivey led off. How often do you see a guy make a great play and then lead off the next inning. Well, since there are nine batters, about 11% of the time, genius. Anyway, it didn't matter because he struck out on three pitches. But Fat Elvys' no-hitter was soon broken up by a Pujols triple. Hernandez stranded him at third base when he struck out Scott Rolen to end the inning. Rolen, of course, became invisible when he swung and missed:



In the fifth, the Royals didn't score. Why? Because I paused the game to take a piss and when I came back, I saw that Mulder had struck out the side. What kind of BS is that?!? Why have you forsaken me, pause button?

Despite his 11 strikeouts, Hernandez's fat ass was getting tired. He gave up a run in the fifth before leaving in the sixth for a pinch hitter. He left the game with the Royals up 13-1.

MacDougal came in to pitch, as I'd seen what Burgos and Elarton were capable (or incapable) of doing in yesterday's game.


Of course, the Cards immediately scored. It all started when Mientkiewicz fielded a grounder to first, and for no apparent reason, threw the ball into the freaking stands.



That's why Mientkiewicz won a gold glove, folks.

Royals 13, Cards 2. No outs, runner on third.

But, MacDougal followed that disaster with a monster strikeout of Pujols.


Then, Rolen pulled through with an RBI single. Royals 13, Cards 3. I wish the ten-run rule had gone into effect. Redbirds Rally in Progress.

Until Doogie strikes out Edmonds. What, can he only pitch well to every other batter? Apparently. Bigbie got a single and then Spivey flew out to end the inning. Redbird Rally stymied.

Grudzielanek knocked in DeJesus in the next inning to gave the 8-bit Royals the 11 run lead.

In the seventh, So Taguchi pinch hit for Mulder. Don't ask me what the hell he was still doing pitching after giving up 14 runs. Taguchi popped out and MacDougal struck out the next two batters.

Isringhausen came in and delivered a 1-2-3 8th for the Cards.

In the ninth, though, the 8-bit Royals wanted to make a point. They had been embarrassed yesterday. They stepped up with three triples, two doubles, and 6 runs. The inning ended with the Royals up 20-3.


Burgos came in to close out the game. Would the Cards score 17 runs and send the game to extra innings?

Anything is possible with Ambiorix Burgos out there. His 8-bit version may be worse than he is in real life. Within moments, the 8-bit Cardinals loaded the bases with no outs.


Luckily, they were out of pinch hitters, so Looper had to bat. Still, he got an RBI groundout. Then, Eckstein flew out to Sanders, who gunned down the runner trying to score from third. And just like that, Game Over. Crazy, crazy ending.

And here is the headline of the next morning's Tengen Sports News:

Just look at those totals.

Tune in tomorrow to see who takes the series in the final game of the 8-bit 1-70 Series.

Go Kan City! You're the best!

(I'm the only person entertained by these posts, aren't I?)