June 16, 2006

Scotty Too Hotty and the Deep Balls

Interleague play begins again tonight!


Just look at those two eagles fighting over an enormous baseball!

EXCITING!

FANTASTIC!

OUTRAGEOUS!

BORING!

Tonight's game at Houston is interesting for one reason and one reason only: Scott Elarton, he of 19 homers allowed this season, will pitch in the hitter friendly Juice Box known as Minute Maid Park. I have a feeling that every player on the 'Stros can hit one 315 feet down the line against Scotty, and that includes pitchers.

Right now he's on pace for 47 home runs allowed. Bert Blyleven holds the record with 50 allowed. Our old buddy Jose Lima is second with 48 allowed. After tonight in Houston, Elarton's pace will probably be ahead of both of those guys.

That's right. In one season, we've gone from Jose to Scotty:



 
Worst.

Photoshop.

Ever.

Go Royals! You're the Best!


June 14, 2006

It's okay to yell "Fire Sale" in an empty stadium.

Dayton Moore has an awesome task before him. The Royals have a buttload of veteran trade bait that must go. Getting decent players in return for KC's retreads won't be easy.

Luckily, Dayton has started his own website to ensure that we won't be seeing Doug Mientkiewicz batting in the three hole this September.
 photo b8fcd24a-66c5-4408-9036-1cf1eed0aec3_zps4c9f9223.jpg

June 8, 2006

The Draft, The Drugs, The Dumbbell, The Dayton


1) THE DRAFT

I think Ladnier did a pretty good job with the draft. #1 overall pick Luke Hochevar was considered the second best pitcher in the draft last year, a draft class that was infinitely better than this year's crop. Cool Hand Luke has been playing in an indie league with wood bats this season, and should be able to easily make the transition to the minors. We could see him in KC as soon as September this year.

 
Now, the "consensus" guy the Royals were supposed to take, Andrew Miller, only has TWO PITCHES. And his last several outings have been a bit lackluster. He fell all the way to the Tigers with the sixth pick. We'll see who's better in a few years when KC and Detroit are battling for the division title, but right now, I'd go with Hochevar over Miller every time.

If you throw Brad Lincoln into the mix... well, let's not think about that right now.

2) THE DRUGS

Keeping with the prison theme started with the Cool Hand Luke reference, let's discuss Jason Grimsley. He played for the Royals for three and a half seasons, from '01 to '04. He admitted he was using steroids and amphetamines during that time. And when he was caught getting some Human Growth Hormone in the mail this past April, he found himself up shit creek with a turd for a paddle.



So what did he do? He ratted out a bunch of his former teammates. The Yankees (Giambi, et al), Orioles, (Palmeiro, et al) and the Royals (????) are the primary teams that are implicated in this. I'm not going to speculate **cough, cough** Mark Quinn Benito Santiago Donnie Sadler Sluggerrr **cough cough** about who those users on the Royals may have been. But, Grimsley specifically mentioned "Latin players" as being a source of amphetamines. And I know one terrible shortstop I wouldn't mind seeing lose some playing time because of a suspension.

A horrible thing to say?

Maybe.

But I didn't say it.

I typed it in a blog.

3) THE DUMBBELL



Buddy needs to go. That's that.

Bobby Keppel's masterful performance last night was flushed down the can when Bell decided that Burgos hadn't blown enough games for KC this year. Just to make this clear, he'd already blown SIX saves. But what the hell, right Buddy? Bring on Ambiorix and his bloated 7 and a half ERA.

Needless to say, he blew his seventh save. Take those seven losses, add them back into our win total, and the Royals are just a a plain old run of the mill bad team, and not the historically bad team we are lucky enough to watch on a nightly basis. Do I blame Burgos? No. I don't. I blame Bell for consistently choosing the wrong guys to play. Would you have put Burgos in last night? Because I sure as hell wouldn't have. And the fans at the game wouldn't have either, as they booed the Budster when he did bring in Burgos.



And it isn't just bullpen mismanagement. It's putting Dougie in the three hole every night. It's starting Tony Graffanino over Esteban German whenever he gets the chance. It's playing Paul Bako nearly every other game. It's a lot of things. And it's getting very, very old.

Luckily, I've got a good friend at Mattel. I've convinced him to issue a new version of the My Buddy doll.

This time... with voodoo capabilities.


 
4) THE DAYTON

Lastly, let's not forget that today is a new day. Dayton Moore is officially the Kansas City Royals GM. He has full control. Hopefully, he will fix things.

Dear God, please let him fix things.

Go Royals! You're the Best!


June 3, 2006

Match Game '06

Gene Rayburn: Welcome back to Match Game '06. Today we have a special edition about the Kansas City Royals. Let's get right into the game, shall we?

Audience: [APPLAUSE]

Gene Rayburn: Okay, Judy, it's your turn. "Royals games are so boring..."

Audience: HOW BORING ARE THEY?



Gene Rayburn: Thank you audience. Ahem, "Royals games are so boring that the only way their fans can watch is to have [BLANK] on the brain."

Audience: HAHAHHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHA!

Theme Music: Wownt chica achica chica chica wownt chica achica chicha chica wownt chica....

Gene Rayburn: Everyone has their answers locked in? Wow, that was fast. Alrighty, Judy, I'll read the question once again and then you'll give me your answer. Here we go... "Royals games are so boring that the only way their fans can watch is to have [BLANK] on the brain."



Judy: Umm... Boobs?

Audience: HAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAAHAHA!

Gene Rayburn: Wow. What a rotten answer. But you never know with this panel. Let's start with David Glass. David, what did you come up with?



David Glass: Well, I went with "The Future."

Producers: [BUZZ]

Audience: BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Gene Rayburn: Ah, Mr. Glass. You've been saying that since you bought the team.

David Glass: Maybe I should've said Dayton Moore.

Audience: [APPLAUSE]

Gene Rayburn: I think the audience agrees. Let's move onto David DeJesus. David, what did you say Royals fans have on the brain... uh, rather than the game?



David DeJesus: Nanoo, nanoo. Shazbutt. Look, I'm Crazy Markers in His Ears Guy! I've got markers in my damn ears! Isn't that... Cuh-razy?!! Now give me some candy!

Audience: .....

Gene Rayburn: Okay David, let's have your answer.

David DeJesus: Yeah, that's the ticket! SHOW ME THE MONEY! Don't have a cow, man! I ...like ...to eat ...the peanut butter... first!

Gene Rayburn: Let's just count this as a match and move on, shall we?



Producers: [DING]

Gene Rayburn: Alright, one match. Let's move onto--

David DeJesus: Did I do that?!?!

Gene Rayburn: Aw jeez, no Urkel. Just... please. Enough. Okay, let's move onto Charles Nelson Reilly. Charles, your answer please.



Producers: [BUZZ]

Audience: BOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Charles Nelson Reilly: Oh, boo yourself.

Gene Rayburn: I dunno. I like that one. Bird doodie on the brain. Okay, moving on. Jeremy Affeldt, what did you come up with?




Producers: [DING]



Gene Rayburn: Well done. Jeremy obviously has JUDY'S BOOBS on the brain!

Audience: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHHHAAAA! ROFLMAO LOLERZ!!111!!!11!!1!



Gene Rayburn: Alright, that's two matches. George Brett, what did you write down?

George Brett: Well, I thought long and hard about this answer.

Gene Rayburn: Yes, and what did you come up with?

George Brett: I'm a little embarrassed.

Gene Rayburn: Let's see...

George Brett: Well, I answered--



Producers: [BUZZ]

Gene Rayburn: Wow. That's topical.

Audience: [VOMITS]

Gene Rayburn: Alright, two so far, and we'll go to Angel and Lester. What did you two knuckleheads come up with?




Angel Berroa: Well, Lester and I had an extensive discussion and came to the conclusion that--

Lester: Lambchop is a bitch.

Angel Berroa: Lester... please. Children could be watching.

Lester: You've got your hand up my ass and you're talking to me about inappropriate behavior?

Angel Berroa: Wait. This is... er, I, uh, don't speak English. Yeah. No habla Englais.

Lester: Oh, he speaks it, alright.

Angel Berroa: Donde esta de biblioteka?

Lester: Gene, we answered "Boobs."

Producers: [DING]

Angel Berroa: Lester!

Gene Rayburn: Three matches! Nice job, panel.

Audience: [APPLAUSE]

Gene Rayburn: Didn't I die, like, seven years ago?

Me: Go Royals! You're the best!

You: Never blog drunk again!

Audience: [APPLAUSE]

May 31, 2006

He Gone!

It looks like Glass has finally done something right!

Miracles do happen.


 
First we get Dayton Moore.

Then we get the respectability.

Then we get the wins.

Then we get the power.

Then we get the women.



 
Go Royals! You're the Best!


May 30, 2006

Are we getting this guy or what?

So the long weekend is over and everyone has to go back to work, including David Glass. The Royals faithful are hoping this means a completed deal/press conference/general outpouring of emotion with the signing of Braves assistant GM Dayton Moore as the new head GM for the Kansas City Royals.

You may be asking, Dayton Moore? The beef stew guy?

Sorry. You're thinking of Dinty Moore. Not the same guy.


 
No, Dayton Moore is probably the best candidate for a GM position in all of Major League Baseball. It would be a coup for a team like the Royals, perhaps the worst franchise of this millenium, to get a guy like Moore.

He would be the saviour, the one man who could make the team respectable once again.

Basically, this is how Royals fans see Dayton Moore:


 
And this is David Glass if he does the right thing and signs Moore:



 
But if Glass screws the pooch on this and we end up with Randy Smith or Ed Wade as our GM, Royals fans and those with power in Major League Baseball will likely be all but done with Glass as an owner:


 
And as much fun as it would be to do the above, we'd all prefer Glass just do the right thing for once in his life.

Cross your fingers.

Go Royals! You're the Best!

May 26, 2006

Fangs of New York

So the Royals head to Yankee Stadium tonight with a thirteen game losing streak.

As we all know, Steinbrenner has scoured the universe for the greatest ballplayers. You may remember my theory that the Yankees are actually superhuman monsters with no regard for human life or the Collective Bargaining Agreement.

If you missed it, I'd consider it maybe the finest post in this blog's history. Click here to check it out.

Based on the success of the first one, why not bust out a sequel?

So here goes, with part two of the NY Rogues Gallery.

The Real Murderer's Row:

Mariano Rivera was once a mild mannered janitor at Yankee Stadium. He hosed down the pee troughs and took pride in replacing the urinal cakes before they melted. Until one day, when he was burned alive by a malicious group of Major League Team Owners headed by David Glass. Rivera returned as a monster with an assortment of deadly pitches that haunt the dreams of every one of those Team Owner's players.


 "One, two, Mariano's coming for you."

Sure, they have one of the worst minor league farm systems in all of baseball. That didn't stop Mad Scientist George Steinbrenner. He cut off the best body parts he had from no less than seven Columbus Clippers and sewed them together to create Melky Cabrera. Unfortunately, Georgie's assistant, Igor Cashman, mistook a giant head for a big brain. As a result, the Creature doesn't know how to field flyballs.

 
"GROOOOOOOOOAN."

Randy Johnson. He's old. He's tall. He's creepy as hell. And even worse, he's got deadly flying spheres and a gang of evil dwarves (Tony Pena, Ron Guidry and Larry Bowa) on his side.

"BOOOOOOOOOOOOOYYYYYYYY!"
And finally, if Hideki Matsui is Godzilla, then Chien-Ming Wang is obviously Mothra.



"Insert sound a moth makes here."


So there you have it. Even more indisputable proof that the Yankees are not of this world.

Good luck with those brutes this weekend, Kansas City.

Don't forget to pack your holy water and crucifixes.

And pray for a quick death.

But who knows?

Melkenstein may take one off the noggin and give us a win.

Stranger things have happened.

Go Royals! You're the Best!


May 25, 2006

SUPER TERRIFIC HAPPY PROMOTION FUN TIME

The Royals are a bad team. And the attendance is starting to take a hit because of it. So what brings the fans in if the quality of the team sucks?

That's right. Promotions, promotions, promotions.

Bill Veeck knew it.

The Royals do a decent enough job of getting butts in the seats. They have several t-shirt nights, bobblehead nights, and Buck Nights (where hot dogs, small sodas and peanuts are a buck a pop). But they are missing something. I'm talking promotions that actually make the game on the field worth watching.

I have a few ideas, though.

1) Replace the basepaths with Crocodile Mile or some other reasonable facsimile. It would make for some entertaining base running as well as give Berroa an excuse for the errors he makes.






2) Forget the Seventh Inning Stretch. Each game, between the top and bottom of the seventh, Runelvys Hernandez and Matt Stairs will engage in a pie-eating contest. The winner of said contest will get to take a nap for the remainder of the game.


 
 
 
3) Fire Buddy Bell and hire a different celebrity guest manager for each game.
 
Today's guest manager: Al Roker!



 
4) Four Words: Jeremy Affeldt Dance Party!


 
Look at that marvelous bastard dance!

Any other promotional ideas? Go ahead and post them in the comments section.

I'll pick the best idea and the winner will get... well, nothing, really.

Er, I mean, my respect.

Yeah.

You want that, don't you?

I knew you did.

Go Royals! You're the best!

May 24, 2006

The Doug Mientkiewicz Fan Club

Last night, a dozen drunk kids decided to come out to Kauffman Stadium to lend support to lackluster first basemen Doug Mientkiewicz:


 
They probably did not choose Dougie based on his baseball skills. He's hitting .250 with a .338 OBP and a .331 SLG%. Brought in primarily for defense (because that's all you want at first base... forget any power or hitting ability), Dougie has helped the Royals win 10 out of their first 43 games. Yep, that glove sure has turned the ballclub around. They are now on pace to break the loss record by the 1962 Mets.

But back to the Doug Mientkiewicz Fan Club. These idiots chose him because he has twelve letters in his name. That's it.

But maybe, just maybe, Dougie would look at these goobers and be inspired to play the greatest game of his life and end the Royals' losing streak at 10.

Let's go to the highlights:



Not a good start. In the first, Dougie's ball dropped. Er, I mean, he dropped a ball. At least he managed to avoid looking like an idiot.


While batting in the second, America's Troubador Kenny Rogers drilled Dougie in the ass with a fastball. At least he managed to avoid looking like an idiot.


While running to second, Dougie fell hard on his ass as he tried to slide. At least he managed to... well, he looked pretty foolish by this point in the game.

Dougie's final line: 0-3, 1 K, 1 HBP.


 
So why didn't these kids start the Mark Grudzielanek Fan Club instead? His last name has twelve letters too. And he's actually good. Marky's line last night: 3-4, 2 HR, 2 RBI, 3 Runs.

Idiot kids.

It's okay.

It could have been worse.

Remember when the Esteban German Fan Club attended a game?



Good times, good times.

Go Royals! You're the best!

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