July 3, 2006

Him? Really?

Query:


 
How high was Ozzie Guillen when he chose Mark Freaking Redman as the Royals representative in the 2006 All Star Game?

I'm not saying I give a damn.

Cuz I don't.

With so many Yankees and Red Sox in the All Star Game every year, it has really become a non-event for fans in three of the four Continuous U.S. Time Zones.

But that doesn't mean I'm not a might bit confused by Marky Mark's inclusion in this year's event.

He will not play.

That's fine.

Maybe he'll get West Nile hanging out in the Pittsburgh bullpen all night with the skeeters coming off the river.

Good.

I hope so.

But really.

Redman should not be receiving any honor.

Let alone this honor.

Not with DeJesus playing the part of a future Johnny Damon (better arm, less speed) over the past several weeks. (I know, there were tons of AL OF's that were worthy this year, but the Royals only get one guy. At least Damien didn't get in.)

Not with Grudzielanek being one of the few second basemen in the AL worth a damn this year. (Cano? Loretta? Are you kidding me? With that Lopez kid tearing it up? Why are Red Sox and Yanks fans even allowed to vote?)

Not with Emil Brown and his... well, I know he can't play D. But you already picked like five DH's to play first on this year's squad. **Cough** Starting Fat Toad David Ortiz **Cough**?

Not with Jimmy Gobble... yes, that Jimmy Gobble... pitching in 31 games with a mid 3 ERA. (Not great, I know, but more impressive than anything Redman has done all year.)

Not with Brandon Duckworth and his capacity for slightly resembling Gary Busey.

Not with, well, we didn't really have anyone else deserving or even close to deserving on the team.

But why not one of those above guys?

Why Redman?

He is not an all-star.

A pitcher with a 5.59 ERA is not an All-Star.

HITTERS ARE BATTING NEARLY .300 OFF OF HIM!!!

I understand that Ozzie is busy with "F*cking F*g" Gate, but he could have, I dunno, actually checked some stats before he made his final selections.

You've got another pitcher, Francisco Liriano, with a sub-2.00 ERA kicking names and taking ass in the same division, and you take Mark Redman's lucked into five wins?

Guillen... I wish you were muerto.

I'd rather go without an All-Star than have Redman.

I really would.

Though, it's not like I was gonna watch the game anyway.

But you can't even expect me to channel surf on over with Redman scratching his balls in the bullpen.

Sigh.

The All-Star game is becoming the Pro-Bowl faster than Jason Whitlock is gaining rolls.

And that's impressive.

Go Royals! You're the Best!

June 30, 2006

Duck, Duck, Busey

FRIDAY QUIZ TIME!!!

Can you tell the difference between Royals Pitcher Brandon Duckworth and Famous Actor/Insane in the Membrane Super Goof Gary Busey?!?!?

The answers appear at the end of the post.

(1)
(A) (B)




(2)
(A) (B)




(3)
(A) (B)




(4)
(A) (B)


 
(5)
(A) (B)



Have a great weekend!

Go Royals! You're the Best!



June 29, 2006

Whitlock and Hemingway have both written for the KC Star. Depressing, ain't it?

The Royals are threatening to have a winning record for the month of June. They are one game under .500 with two games remaining.

With the team playing relatively well, material for this blog hasn't been so easy to come by. Don't worry, that's a good thing. I hope that within the next two seasons, the Royals make it nearly impossible for me to do my stupid little jokes.

Luckily, I'll always have material with idiots like Jason Whitlock also writing about the team.

After mostly ignoring the Royals in his column for over a decade, Jason spent the last week hating on David Glass every day in a lame attempt to get his press credentials pulled.

He is the worst kind of sportswriter; the kind that puts himself in every story. Who makes the story about himself. Who piles on well after the piling on has ceased to be interesting or relevant. Who plays the race card. Who wants to get a regular gig on one of those stupid ESPN shows with the talking heads, but never will because he rarely says anything insightful. Which is pretty pathetic, considering none of those guys do, either.

As a sports-comedy blogger, I don't claim to be any better than Whitlock. You see, I'm the kind of writer who always goes for the cheap joke.

But who would you rather read?

I thought so.

So, time for me to makey-make with the cheap joke.

Jason Whitlock is morbidly obese and hasn't seen his own penis in fifteen years.

There ya go.

Oh, you want a picture to illustrate my point?

Is that what you want?


 
There ya go.

Now makey-make with the laughy-laughs.

(And feel free to make that your desktop background. I have.)

Unfortunately, the Royals official site isn't much better than Whitlock. Recently, they posted a bizarre article that continually tried to make connections between Doug Mientkiewicz and Ernest Hemingway, but really only got as far as saying, "they both dig fishing."


 
The article did provide this awesome nugget that I was unaware of, however:

Dougie's son is named Steel.

Steel Mientkiewicz.

Not nicknamed. Named named.

Guaranteeing he will grow up to be either a professional wrestler or a gay pornstar.

AND THE MIENTKIEWICZ LEGACY WILL LIVE ON!

Seriously, though, Dougie's been playing well lately. And Grudzielanek hasn't.

Meaning my mockery of twelve-lettered Royals infielders may soon shift in focus.

Eh, what the hell's the point?

If we're lucky, they'll both be traded for some decent prospects soon.

And I can continue photoshopping Whitlock's head onto fat, ugly, space-slugs for your entertainment.

Go Royals! You're the Best!

June 27, 2006

SIMPLY THE BEST!*

*Yes, this was an ironic title.

Obviously.

But, the Royals have won eight out of ten.

They have done this against the NL.

Therefore, the NL is terrible.

And therefore, the records in the NL are a bit skewed. Imagine the Cubs or Braves having to play the White Sox, Tigers, Yanks, and Red Sox all season long. Would they have as good a record as our beloved Royals?

In all actuality, they probably wouldn't.

But, we'll never know.

However, what we do know is this...

The Royals are no longer the most pathetic team in all of baseball.

No, that dishonor would go to the Pirates.

They were swept by KC this past week.

It wasn't pretty.

And of course, as a fan who has had little to cheer about this season, I must offer this immature, lame taunt...

See Pirates.

See Pirates Suck.
Suck, Pirates, Suck!



Okay, I'm done.

The sad fact is, the Pirates are my favorite NL team.

But still...

For the first time this season, I feel pride in being a Royals fan.

Look out Cubbies.

You're next on the train to Inappropriate Tauntsville.

GO ROYALS! YOU'RE THE BEST!


June 22, 2006

Dayton "Thug Life" Moore

"I admire (Dayton) Moore’s courage. He reminds me of Tupac Shakur, who lived (and died) by the motto: 'A coward dies a thousand deaths, a soldier dies but once.'"
--Jason Whitlock, obese columnist for the Kansas City Star

So, is lardass just blowing smoke, or do Dayton and Tupac really have that much in common?

Let's see how this comparison stacks up, shall we?


As you can clearly see, the two men are nearly identical in every way.

Chubbs finally got something right in his little column.



Go Royals! You're the Best!

Word to your mother.

June 16, 2006

Scotty Too Hotty and the Deep Balls

Interleague play begins again tonight!


Just look at those two eagles fighting over an enormous baseball!

EXCITING!

FANTASTIC!

OUTRAGEOUS!

BORING!

Tonight's game at Houston is interesting for one reason and one reason only: Scott Elarton, he of 19 homers allowed this season, will pitch in the hitter friendly Juice Box known as Minute Maid Park. I have a feeling that every player on the 'Stros can hit one 315 feet down the line against Scotty, and that includes pitchers.

Right now he's on pace for 47 home runs allowed. Bert Blyleven holds the record with 50 allowed. Our old buddy Jose Lima is second with 48 allowed. After tonight in Houston, Elarton's pace will probably be ahead of both of those guys.

That's right. In one season, we've gone from Jose to Scotty:



 
Worst.

Photoshop.

Ever.

Go Royals! You're the Best!


June 14, 2006

It's okay to yell "Fire Sale" in an empty stadium.

Dayton Moore has an awesome task before him. The Royals have a buttload of veteran trade bait that must go. Getting decent players in return for KC's retreads won't be easy.

Luckily, Dayton has started his own website to ensure that we won't be seeing Doug Mientkiewicz batting in the three hole this September.
 photo b8fcd24a-66c5-4408-9036-1cf1eed0aec3_zps4c9f9223.jpg

June 8, 2006

The Draft, The Drugs, The Dumbbell, The Dayton


1) THE DRAFT

I think Ladnier did a pretty good job with the draft. #1 overall pick Luke Hochevar was considered the second best pitcher in the draft last year, a draft class that was infinitely better than this year's crop. Cool Hand Luke has been playing in an indie league with wood bats this season, and should be able to easily make the transition to the minors. We could see him in KC as soon as September this year.

 
Now, the "consensus" guy the Royals were supposed to take, Andrew Miller, only has TWO PITCHES. And his last several outings have been a bit lackluster. He fell all the way to the Tigers with the sixth pick. We'll see who's better in a few years when KC and Detroit are battling for the division title, but right now, I'd go with Hochevar over Miller every time.

If you throw Brad Lincoln into the mix... well, let's not think about that right now.

2) THE DRUGS

Keeping with the prison theme started with the Cool Hand Luke reference, let's discuss Jason Grimsley. He played for the Royals for three and a half seasons, from '01 to '04. He admitted he was using steroids and amphetamines during that time. And when he was caught getting some Human Growth Hormone in the mail this past April, he found himself up shit creek with a turd for a paddle.



So what did he do? He ratted out a bunch of his former teammates. The Yankees (Giambi, et al), Orioles, (Palmeiro, et al) and the Royals (????) are the primary teams that are implicated in this. I'm not going to speculate **cough, cough** Mark Quinn Benito Santiago Donnie Sadler Sluggerrr **cough cough** about who those users on the Royals may have been. But, Grimsley specifically mentioned "Latin players" as being a source of amphetamines. And I know one terrible shortstop I wouldn't mind seeing lose some playing time because of a suspension.

A horrible thing to say?

Maybe.

But I didn't say it.

I typed it in a blog.

3) THE DUMBBELL



Buddy needs to go. That's that.

Bobby Keppel's masterful performance last night was flushed down the can when Bell decided that Burgos hadn't blown enough games for KC this year. Just to make this clear, he'd already blown SIX saves. But what the hell, right Buddy? Bring on Ambiorix and his bloated 7 and a half ERA.

Needless to say, he blew his seventh save. Take those seven losses, add them back into our win total, and the Royals are just a a plain old run of the mill bad team, and not the historically bad team we are lucky enough to watch on a nightly basis. Do I blame Burgos? No. I don't. I blame Bell for consistently choosing the wrong guys to play. Would you have put Burgos in last night? Because I sure as hell wouldn't have. And the fans at the game wouldn't have either, as they booed the Budster when he did bring in Burgos.



And it isn't just bullpen mismanagement. It's putting Dougie in the three hole every night. It's starting Tony Graffanino over Esteban German whenever he gets the chance. It's playing Paul Bako nearly every other game. It's a lot of things. And it's getting very, very old.

Luckily, I've got a good friend at Mattel. I've convinced him to issue a new version of the My Buddy doll.

This time... with voodoo capabilities.


 
4) THE DAYTON

Lastly, let's not forget that today is a new day. Dayton Moore is officially the Kansas City Royals GM. He has full control. Hopefully, he will fix things.

Dear God, please let him fix things.

Go Royals! You're the Best!


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