July 13, 2006

A look back at the first 51% of the 2006 season.

A little over halfway through our first season of Royals blogging and we've already started running out of ideas.

Consider this like a clip show of your favorite TV series. There is 12% new content in this edition of Royales with Cheese. The rest, you've already seen. But maybe you'll laugh again. Or maybe for the first time.

So let's flashback to some of our better moments, shall we:

Back on April 14th, we accused Alex Rodriguez of being a werewolf.

On April 19th, with the Royals in the midst of a ten game losing streak, we still boldly predicted a pennant win. As Royals fans, sometimes hope is all we have.

Of course, they'd need a little help from some Angels in the Outfield and a slap hitting chimpanzee (not Johnny Damon).

By April 27, less than a week later, KC was 5-15, and we were drinking heavily.

On May 10, we exposed the truth behind Buddy Bell and Paul Bako's relationship.


Recently, Paulie B. went down on the DL with a torn oblique.

Buddy Bell was visibly upset:


Well, it was.

By May 25, we were suggesting promotions for the lackluster attendance at Kauffman Stadium, including, of course, JEREMY AFFELDT DANCE PARTY.

A week later, the most important moment of the season occurred. On May 31st, David Glass fired Allard Baird in favor of hotshot Braves Assistant GM, Dayton Moore.

In early June, former Royal Jason Grimsley was put in the pokey when he was caught with a buttload of Human Growth Hormone.

Then there was the time Aunt Bea wanted to beat Clara in a homemade pickle contest but we were all too afraid to tell her that her pickles tasted like kerosene.

Oh wait. That was an episode of The Andy Griffith Show.

In the middle of June, Dayton Moore started his own website, RoyalTrader.com. So far, his only trade has been of JP Howell, a player conspicuously missing from the site.

Something strange also happened in June. The Royals started winning. Soon, they were better than the '62 Mets. Then, they were better than the '06 Pirates. What a time to be a Royals fan!

And just a week ago, it came out that Johnny Damon is a pothead.

And then there was today, when I posted a bunch of crap I'd already posted.

And you read it.



To make it worth your while, I've got two bonus pieces of Royales With Cheese trivia.

(1) If you accidentally type in http://royaleswithcheese.blogpot.com/, you find a site entitled AMAZING BIBLE STUDIES. Check it out, heathens.

(2) Here are some Google searches unsuspecting websurfers have typed in, only to be led to this stupid blog:

“super crocodile mile”

“judy's boobs”

"funky butt loving freddie mercury"

“jesus loves mike sweeney”

“doug mientkiewicz fan club”

“clippers stadium urinal”

"judy's boobs .com"

“what are some jedi mind tricks?”

“balls deep”

“Scotty Too Hotty”

“matt stairs fat hairy canadian”

"Boof blumpkin"

"I like to eat the peanut butter first"

“larry bigbie goes down”

"donnie sadler voodoo"

"Jason Whitlock morbidly obese"

“when did gene rayburn die?”

"Boobs" and "Judy"

And of course:

"Go Royals! You're the Best!"

July 10, 2006

There's always next year, or more likely, the year after that

So Kansas City heads into the All-Star Break with a 31-56 record.



But it could be much, much worse.

Only a month ago, the Royals were on pace to lose more games than the 1962 New York Mets, the worst team in modern history.

And now?

Well, now they are still on pace to lose over 100 games. But they aren't all-time bad. They aren't even the worst team of 2006 any longer. Youngsters David DeJesus, Mark Teahen, and John Buck have led the surge in the standings, moving KC past the Pirates and nipping at the Cubs' heels.

So, hey, not the best team in the league or anything.

But, finally, not the worst.

Baby steps, right?

And the team will begin making tremendous strides in the next couple seasons.

Everyone who watched the Futures Game yesterday saw that Wichita Wranglers Alex Gordon and Billy Butler can rake. Gordon had a single, a double and two RBI. Butler had a single and a two run homer. And Billy Boy was named the MVP.

Everyone was abuzz at the prospects of these two Royals prospects.

Gordon will probably be on the Royals' opening day roster next year and Butler will likely follow him to KC sometime during the '07 season.

Add to the 2007 roster Omaha's Justin Huber. He was the Futures Game MVP last year.

With DeJesus, Buck, and Zack Greinke, the Royals should at least be a decent team, if not a contender, over the next several seasons. They'll have to get some more pitching, but with a good offense, Moore should be able to get a few guys. That puts the window of being a winning ballclub at about 2008-2013, with a good shot of keeping it going beyond that, should Dayton Moore make good decisions.

And wouldn't that be weird?

Really, really weird?

After being terrible or, at their best, simply mediocre, for the past twenty years, we could soon see the Royals *gasp* in the playoffs.

And honestly, being a fan through one of the worst eras of any sports team ever will have been worth it.

As Percy Bysshe Shelley wrote, "Fear not for the future, weep not for the past.

Or as Timbuk 3 put it, "The future's so bright, I gotta wear shades."

Go Royals! You're the Best!

July 7, 2006

Johnny Damon and the Green Monster

The inevitable has come out.

Johnny Damon likes the reefer.

Here's the story from High Times.

Raise your hand if you were surprised.


Didn't think so.

Honestly, I was a little shocked.

I thought baseball would have served fine as Johnny's anti-drug.

Damon reportedly said what all potheads say when they're found out...

It's natural, it comes from the earth, blah blah blah.

Why aren't stoners ever honest? Instead of talking about how it is a plant, they should just say why they smoke it.

Because it gets them high.

So they can, you know, enjoy music and TV more.

If pot was synthetic, Damon would still smoke it.

The "natural" line is about as logical as the Chewbacca defense.

Johnny Damon: Perfect example to the youth of America why you shouldn't do drugs.

Oh, sure, he's got money, fame, women, and a World Series ring, but he's a freaking moron.

Like Forrest Gump or Radio or I Am Sam, but without the touching insights into this wonderful thing we call life.

So Johnny Damon's a pothead?

That's it?

That's the post?

Well, yeah.

Kind of a slow news day.

It could have been worse, though.

My original topic for this post was, "Did you know Angel Berroa's middle name is Maria?"

I got as far as, "Hahahahhaha, he's a girly-girly!" before scrapping it.

So be thankful for that.

Go Royals! You're the Best!

July 5, 2006

Who, or what, is a Boof Bonser?

The Royals ended Minnesota's 11 game win streak last night by defeating Twins pitcher Boof Bonser. David DeJesus and Mark Teahen continued to tear it up and--

Wait a second... Boof? Boof Bonser?

What the hell?

Okay, forget the regularly scheduled game recap. We've got to figure out who this Boof Bonser cat is and why he goes by that name.

This is Boof Bonser:

 He was born John Paul Bonser in 1981.

In 2001, though, he had his name legally changed to "Boof."

So what is a "boof"?

Let's check out dictionary.com:

Okay, so I guess "boof" isn't a word.

But maybe it's a made up slang term like "phat" or "groovy" or "blumpkin."

Indeed, urbandictionary.com turns up 46 definitions for boof.

Surprisingly, I was only offended by 43 of them.

Basically, "boof" can mean anything from "smoking meth" to "a person who enjoys being [BLANKED] in the [BLANK]."

It can mean anything from "passing gas" to "the act of taking it up the [BLANK] for money... or candy."

It can mean anything from "jumping a kayak off a waterfall" to "getting [BLANKED] in the [BLANK] by a throbbing [BLANK] while eating Cheez-Its and watching an episode of Gilmore Girls."

In addition, a simple Google search reveals that Boof is also:

The name of an Australian cartoon character.

An Iranian fast food joint.

The name of Teen Wolf's girlfriend.

And yes, a Twins pitcher that is quickly becoming an internet sensation, despite being optioned back to AAA this afternoon.

So yeah, sweet name there, Boof.

Your folks must be proud.

I guess it's still better than Steel Mientkiewicz.

Go Royals! You're the Best!

July 3, 2006

Him? Really?


How high was Ozzie Guillen when he chose Mark Freaking Redman as the Royals representative in the 2006 All Star Game?

I'm not saying I give a damn.

Cuz I don't.

With so many Yankees and Red Sox in the All Star Game every year, it has really become a non-event for fans in three of the four Continuous U.S. Time Zones.

But that doesn't mean I'm not a might bit confused by Marky Mark's inclusion in this year's event.

He will not play.

That's fine.

Maybe he'll get West Nile hanging out in the Pittsburgh bullpen all night with the skeeters coming off the river.


I hope so.

But really.

Redman should not be receiving any honor.

Let alone this honor.

Not with DeJesus playing the part of a future Johnny Damon (better arm, less speed) over the past several weeks. (I know, there were tons of AL OF's that were worthy this year, but the Royals only get one guy. At least Damien didn't get in.)

Not with Grudzielanek being one of the few second basemen in the AL worth a damn this year. (Cano? Loretta? Are you kidding me? With that Lopez kid tearing it up? Why are Red Sox and Yanks fans even allowed to vote?)

Not with Emil Brown and his... well, I know he can't play D. But you already picked like five DH's to play first on this year's squad. **Cough** Starting Fat Toad David Ortiz **Cough**?

Not with Jimmy Gobble... yes, that Jimmy Gobble... pitching in 31 games with a mid 3 ERA. (Not great, I know, but more impressive than anything Redman has done all year.)

Not with Brandon Duckworth and his capacity for slightly resembling Gary Busey.

Not with, well, we didn't really have anyone else deserving or even close to deserving on the team.

But why not one of those above guys?

Why Redman?

He is not an all-star.

A pitcher with a 5.59 ERA is not an All-Star.


I understand that Ozzie is busy with "F*cking F*g" Gate, but he could have, I dunno, actually checked some stats before he made his final selections.

You've got another pitcher, Francisco Liriano, with a sub-2.00 ERA kicking names and taking ass in the same division, and you take Mark Redman's lucked into five wins?

Guillen... I wish you were muerto.

I'd rather go without an All-Star than have Redman.

I really would.

Though, it's not like I was gonna watch the game anyway.

But you can't even expect me to channel surf on over with Redman scratching his balls in the bullpen.


The All-Star game is becoming the Pro-Bowl faster than Jason Whitlock is gaining rolls.

And that's impressive.

Go Royals! You're the Best!

June 30, 2006

Duck, Duck, Busey


Can you tell the difference between Royals Pitcher Brandon Duckworth and Famous Actor/Insane in the Membrane Super Goof Gary Busey?!?!?

The answers appear at the end of the post.

(A) (B)

(A) (B)

(A) (B)

(A) (B)

(A) (B)

Have a great weekend!

Go Royals! You're the Best!

June 29, 2006

Whitlock and Hemingway have both written for the KC Star. Depressing, ain't it?

The Royals are threatening to have a winning record for the month of June. They are one game under .500 with two games remaining.

With the team playing relatively well, material for this blog hasn't been so easy to come by. Don't worry, that's a good thing. I hope that within the next two seasons, the Royals make it nearly impossible for me to do my stupid little jokes.

Luckily, I'll always have material with idiots like Jason Whitlock also writing about the team.

After mostly ignoring the Royals in his column for over a decade, Jason spent the last week hating on David Glass every day in a lame attempt to get his press credentials pulled.

He is the worst kind of sportswriter; the kind that puts himself in every story. Who makes the story about himself. Who piles on well after the piling on has ceased to be interesting or relevant. Who plays the race card. Who wants to get a regular gig on one of those stupid ESPN shows with the talking heads, but never will because he rarely says anything insightful. Which is pretty pathetic, considering none of those guys do, either.

As a sports-comedy blogger, I don't claim to be any better than Whitlock. You see, I'm the kind of writer who always goes for the cheap joke.

But who would you rather read?

I thought so.

So, time for me to makey-make with the cheap joke.

Jason Whitlock is morbidly obese and hasn't seen his own penis in fifteen years.

There ya go.

Oh, you want a picture to illustrate my point?

Is that what you want?

There ya go.

Now makey-make with the laughy-laughs.

(And feel free to make that your desktop background. I have.)

Unfortunately, the Royals official site isn't much better than Whitlock. Recently, they posted a bizarre article that continually tried to make connections between Doug Mientkiewicz and Ernest Hemingway, but really only got as far as saying, "they both dig fishing."

The article did provide this awesome nugget that I was unaware of, however:

Dougie's son is named Steel.

Steel Mientkiewicz.

Not nicknamed. Named named.

Guaranteeing he will grow up to be either a professional wrestler or a gay pornstar.


Seriously, though, Dougie's been playing well lately. And Grudzielanek hasn't.

Meaning my mockery of twelve-lettered Royals infielders may soon shift in focus.

Eh, what the hell's the point?

If we're lucky, they'll both be traded for some decent prospects soon.

And I can continue photoshopping Whitlock's head onto fat, ugly, space-slugs for your entertainment.

Go Royals! You're the Best!

June 27, 2006


*Yes, this was an ironic title.


But, the Royals have won eight out of ten.

They have done this against the NL.

Therefore, the NL is terrible.

And therefore, the records in the NL are a bit skewed. Imagine the Cubs or Braves having to play the White Sox, Tigers, Yanks, and Red Sox all season long. Would they have as good a record as our beloved Royals?

In all actuality, they probably wouldn't.

But, we'll never know.

However, what we do know is this...

The Royals are no longer the most pathetic team in all of baseball.

No, that dishonor would go to the Pirates.

They were swept by KC this past week.

It wasn't pretty.

And of course, as a fan who has had little to cheer about this season, I must offer this immature, lame taunt...

See Pirates.

See Pirates Suck.
Suck, Pirates, Suck!

Okay, I'm done.

The sad fact is, the Pirates are my favorite NL team.

But still...

For the first time this season, I feel pride in being a Royals fan.

Look out Cubbies.

You're next on the train to Inappropriate Tauntsville.


June 22, 2006

Dayton "Thug Life" Moore

"I admire (Dayton) Moore’s courage. He reminds me of Tupac Shakur, who lived (and died) by the motto: 'A coward dies a thousand deaths, a soldier dies but once.'"
--Jason Whitlock, obese columnist for the Kansas City Star

So, is lardass just blowing smoke, or do Dayton and Tupac really have that much in common?

Let's see how this comparison stacks up, shall we?

As you can clearly see, the two men are nearly identical in every way.

Chubbs finally got something right in his little column.

Go Royals! You're the Best!

Word to your mother.

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