June 30, 2006

Duck, Duck, Busey

FRIDAY QUIZ TIME!!!

Can you tell the difference between Royals Pitcher Brandon Duckworth and Famous Actor/Insane in the Membrane Super Goof Gary Busey?!?!?

The answers appear at the end of the post.

(1)
(A) (B)




(2)
(A) (B)




(3)
(A) (B)




(4)
(A) (B)


 
(5)
(A) (B)



Have a great weekend!

Go Royals! You're the Best!



June 29, 2006

Whitlock and Hemingway have both written for the KC Star. Depressing, ain't it?

The Royals are threatening to have a winning record for the month of June. They are one game under .500 with two games remaining.

With the team playing relatively well, material for this blog hasn't been so easy to come by. Don't worry, that's a good thing. I hope that within the next two seasons, the Royals make it nearly impossible for me to do my stupid little jokes.

Luckily, I'll always have material with idiots like Jason Whitlock also writing about the team.

After mostly ignoring the Royals in his column for over a decade, Jason spent the last week hating on David Glass every day in a lame attempt to get his press credentials pulled.

He is the worst kind of sportswriter; the kind that puts himself in every story. Who makes the story about himself. Who piles on well after the piling on has ceased to be interesting or relevant. Who plays the race card. Who wants to get a regular gig on one of those stupid ESPN shows with the talking heads, but never will because he rarely says anything insightful. Which is pretty pathetic, considering none of those guys do, either.

As a sports-comedy blogger, I don't claim to be any better than Whitlock. You see, I'm the kind of writer who always goes for the cheap joke.

But who would you rather read?

I thought so.

So, time for me to makey-make with the cheap joke.

Jason Whitlock is morbidly obese and hasn't seen his own penis in fifteen years.

There ya go.

Oh, you want a picture to illustrate my point?

Is that what you want?


 
There ya go.

Now makey-make with the laughy-laughs.

(And feel free to make that your desktop background. I have.)

Unfortunately, the Royals official site isn't much better than Whitlock. Recently, they posted a bizarre article that continually tried to make connections between Doug Mientkiewicz and Ernest Hemingway, but really only got as far as saying, "they both dig fishing."


 
The article did provide this awesome nugget that I was unaware of, however:

Dougie's son is named Steel.

Steel Mientkiewicz.

Not nicknamed. Named named.

Guaranteeing he will grow up to be either a professional wrestler or a gay pornstar.

AND THE MIENTKIEWICZ LEGACY WILL LIVE ON!

Seriously, though, Dougie's been playing well lately. And Grudzielanek hasn't.

Meaning my mockery of twelve-lettered Royals infielders may soon shift in focus.

Eh, what the hell's the point?

If we're lucky, they'll both be traded for some decent prospects soon.

And I can continue photoshopping Whitlock's head onto fat, ugly, space-slugs for your entertainment.

Go Royals! You're the Best!

June 27, 2006

SIMPLY THE BEST!*

*Yes, this was an ironic title.

Obviously.

But, the Royals have won eight out of ten.

They have done this against the NL.

Therefore, the NL is terrible.

And therefore, the records in the NL are a bit skewed. Imagine the Cubs or Braves having to play the White Sox, Tigers, Yanks, and Red Sox all season long. Would they have as good a record as our beloved Royals?

In all actuality, they probably wouldn't.

But, we'll never know.

However, what we do know is this...

The Royals are no longer the most pathetic team in all of baseball.

No, that dishonor would go to the Pirates.

They were swept by KC this past week.

It wasn't pretty.

And of course, as a fan who has had little to cheer about this season, I must offer this immature, lame taunt...

See Pirates.

See Pirates Suck.
Suck, Pirates, Suck!



Okay, I'm done.

The sad fact is, the Pirates are my favorite NL team.

But still...

For the first time this season, I feel pride in being a Royals fan.

Look out Cubbies.

You're next on the train to Inappropriate Tauntsville.

GO ROYALS! YOU'RE THE BEST!


June 22, 2006

Dayton "Thug Life" Moore

"I admire (Dayton) Moore’s courage. He reminds me of Tupac Shakur, who lived (and died) by the motto: 'A coward dies a thousand deaths, a soldier dies but once.'"
--Jason Whitlock, obese columnist for the Kansas City Star

So, is lardass just blowing smoke, or do Dayton and Tupac really have that much in common?

Let's see how this comparison stacks up, shall we?


As you can clearly see, the two men are nearly identical in every way.

Chubbs finally got something right in his little column.



Go Royals! You're the Best!

Word to your mother.

June 16, 2006

Scotty Too Hotty and the Deep Balls

Interleague play begins again tonight!


Just look at those two eagles fighting over an enormous baseball!

EXCITING!

FANTASTIC!

OUTRAGEOUS!

BORING!

Tonight's game at Houston is interesting for one reason and one reason only: Scott Elarton, he of 19 homers allowed this season, will pitch in the hitter friendly Juice Box known as Minute Maid Park. I have a feeling that every player on the 'Stros can hit one 315 feet down the line against Scotty, and that includes pitchers.

Right now he's on pace for 47 home runs allowed. Bert Blyleven holds the record with 50 allowed. Our old buddy Jose Lima is second with 48 allowed. After tonight in Houston, Elarton's pace will probably be ahead of both of those guys.

That's right. In one season, we've gone from Jose to Scotty:



 
Worst.

Photoshop.

Ever.

Go Royals! You're the Best!


June 14, 2006

It's okay to yell "Fire Sale" in an empty stadium.

Dayton Moore has an awesome task before him. The Royals have a buttload of veteran trade bait that must go. Getting decent players in return for KC's retreads won't be easy.

Luckily, Dayton has started his own website to ensure that we won't be seeing Doug Mientkiewicz batting in the three hole this September.
 photo b8fcd24a-66c5-4408-9036-1cf1eed0aec3_zps4c9f9223.jpg

June 8, 2006

The Draft, The Drugs, The Dumbbell, The Dayton


1) THE DRAFT

I think Ladnier did a pretty good job with the draft. #1 overall pick Luke Hochevar was considered the second best pitcher in the draft last year, a draft class that was infinitely better than this year's crop. Cool Hand Luke has been playing in an indie league with wood bats this season, and should be able to easily make the transition to the minors. We could see him in KC as soon as September this year.

 
Now, the "consensus" guy the Royals were supposed to take, Andrew Miller, only has TWO PITCHES. And his last several outings have been a bit lackluster. He fell all the way to the Tigers with the sixth pick. We'll see who's better in a few years when KC and Detroit are battling for the division title, but right now, I'd go with Hochevar over Miller every time.

If you throw Brad Lincoln into the mix... well, let's not think about that right now.

2) THE DRUGS

Keeping with the prison theme started with the Cool Hand Luke reference, let's discuss Jason Grimsley. He played for the Royals for three and a half seasons, from '01 to '04. He admitted he was using steroids and amphetamines during that time. And when he was caught getting some Human Growth Hormone in the mail this past April, he found himself up shit creek with a turd for a paddle.



So what did he do? He ratted out a bunch of his former teammates. The Yankees (Giambi, et al), Orioles, (Palmeiro, et al) and the Royals (????) are the primary teams that are implicated in this. I'm not going to speculate **cough, cough** Mark Quinn Benito Santiago Donnie Sadler Sluggerrr **cough cough** about who those users on the Royals may have been. But, Grimsley specifically mentioned "Latin players" as being a source of amphetamines. And I know one terrible shortstop I wouldn't mind seeing lose some playing time because of a suspension.

A horrible thing to say?

Maybe.

But I didn't say it.

I typed it in a blog.

3) THE DUMBBELL



Buddy needs to go. That's that.

Bobby Keppel's masterful performance last night was flushed down the can when Bell decided that Burgos hadn't blown enough games for KC this year. Just to make this clear, he'd already blown SIX saves. But what the hell, right Buddy? Bring on Ambiorix and his bloated 7 and a half ERA.

Needless to say, he blew his seventh save. Take those seven losses, add them back into our win total, and the Royals are just a a plain old run of the mill bad team, and not the historically bad team we are lucky enough to watch on a nightly basis. Do I blame Burgos? No. I don't. I blame Bell for consistently choosing the wrong guys to play. Would you have put Burgos in last night? Because I sure as hell wouldn't have. And the fans at the game wouldn't have either, as they booed the Budster when he did bring in Burgos.



And it isn't just bullpen mismanagement. It's putting Dougie in the three hole every night. It's starting Tony Graffanino over Esteban German whenever he gets the chance. It's playing Paul Bako nearly every other game. It's a lot of things. And it's getting very, very old.

Luckily, I've got a good friend at Mattel. I've convinced him to issue a new version of the My Buddy doll.

This time... with voodoo capabilities.


 
4) THE DAYTON

Lastly, let's not forget that today is a new day. Dayton Moore is officially the Kansas City Royals GM. He has full control. Hopefully, he will fix things.

Dear God, please let him fix things.

Go Royals! You're the Best!


June 3, 2006

Match Game '06

Gene Rayburn: Welcome back to Match Game '06. Today we have a special edition about the Kansas City Royals. Let's get right into the game, shall we?

Audience: [APPLAUSE]

Gene Rayburn: Okay, Judy, it's your turn. "Royals games are so boring..."

Audience: HOW BORING ARE THEY?



Gene Rayburn: Thank you audience. Ahem, "Royals games are so boring that the only way their fans can watch is to have [BLANK] on the brain."

Audience: HAHAHHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHA!

Theme Music: Wownt chica achica chica chica wownt chica achica chicha chica wownt chica....

Gene Rayburn: Everyone has their answers locked in? Wow, that was fast. Alrighty, Judy, I'll read the question once again and then you'll give me your answer. Here we go... "Royals games are so boring that the only way their fans can watch is to have [BLANK] on the brain."



Judy: Umm... Boobs?

Audience: HAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAAHAHA!

Gene Rayburn: Wow. What a rotten answer. But you never know with this panel. Let's start with David Glass. David, what did you come up with?



David Glass: Well, I went with "The Future."

Producers: [BUZZ]

Audience: BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Gene Rayburn: Ah, Mr. Glass. You've been saying that since you bought the team.

David Glass: Maybe I should've said Dayton Moore.

Audience: [APPLAUSE]

Gene Rayburn: I think the audience agrees. Let's move onto David DeJesus. David, what did you say Royals fans have on the brain... uh, rather than the game?



David DeJesus: Nanoo, nanoo. Shazbutt. Look, I'm Crazy Markers in His Ears Guy! I've got markers in my damn ears! Isn't that... Cuh-razy?!! Now give me some candy!

Audience: .....

Gene Rayburn: Okay David, let's have your answer.

David DeJesus: Yeah, that's the ticket! SHOW ME THE MONEY! Don't have a cow, man! I ...like ...to eat ...the peanut butter... first!

Gene Rayburn: Let's just count this as a match and move on, shall we?



Producers: [DING]

Gene Rayburn: Alright, one match. Let's move onto--

David DeJesus: Did I do that?!?!

Gene Rayburn: Aw jeez, no Urkel. Just... please. Enough. Okay, let's move onto Charles Nelson Reilly. Charles, your answer please.



Producers: [BUZZ]

Audience: BOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Charles Nelson Reilly: Oh, boo yourself.

Gene Rayburn: I dunno. I like that one. Bird doodie on the brain. Okay, moving on. Jeremy Affeldt, what did you come up with?




Producers: [DING]



Gene Rayburn: Well done. Jeremy obviously has JUDY'S BOOBS on the brain!

Audience: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHHHAAAA! ROFLMAO LOLERZ!!111!!!11!!1!



Gene Rayburn: Alright, that's two matches. George Brett, what did you write down?

George Brett: Well, I thought long and hard about this answer.

Gene Rayburn: Yes, and what did you come up with?

George Brett: I'm a little embarrassed.

Gene Rayburn: Let's see...

George Brett: Well, I answered--



Producers: [BUZZ]

Gene Rayburn: Wow. That's topical.

Audience: [VOMITS]

Gene Rayburn: Alright, two so far, and we'll go to Angel and Lester. What did you two knuckleheads come up with?




Angel Berroa: Well, Lester and I had an extensive discussion and came to the conclusion that--

Lester: Lambchop is a bitch.

Angel Berroa: Lester... please. Children could be watching.

Lester: You've got your hand up my ass and you're talking to me about inappropriate behavior?

Angel Berroa: Wait. This is... er, I, uh, don't speak English. Yeah. No habla Englais.

Lester: Oh, he speaks it, alright.

Angel Berroa: Donde esta de biblioteka?

Lester: Gene, we answered "Boobs."

Producers: [DING]

Angel Berroa: Lester!

Gene Rayburn: Three matches! Nice job, panel.

Audience: [APPLAUSE]

Gene Rayburn: Didn't I die, like, seven years ago?

Me: Go Royals! You're the best!

You: Never blog drunk again!

Audience: [APPLAUSE]

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