July 25, 2007

Flushed Away


What does a 10.46 ERA get you?


I mean, eventually.

And you thought he sucked last year with a 5.31 ERA.

Hell, he was playing over his head!

Goodbye, Scotty.

I never liked you.

Honestly, it was mostly because I thought you looked like a cross between Colin Hanks and a serial killer.

Also, because you suck at your job.

You're next, Emil.

Go Royals! You're the Best!

July 24, 2007

Hidey-Ho Neglecterinos!

Hey, I'm back.
Uh, for like a day.
But hey!

The Royals are back to respectability, no?

And by "respectability" I mean, you know, that they are better than eight teams.
Twenty-Two out of Thirty!

I mean....

Well, hell, better than the worst team in baseball, am I right?

Royals beating up on the Tiggers and BoSox.

But, uh, not the Yankees.
And the Yankees aren't even good, am I right?

(Well, Dotel and Elarton against, well, any team is, well, almost worse than, well, can I say "well" one more time, well, forfeiting.)

Meche takes them on tomorrow and I expect some, uh, maybe competiveness? 
Something that we could expect with the twenty-second best team in baseball facing the, uh, eleventh, twelfth, thirteenth, seventeenth (?!?!) best team in baseball?

Can I get an AMEN?!?!?!

I mean, I don't really need an "amen," but, uh, if you feel like yelling at your computer screen, I'd probably take it.

Need I remind you that A-Rod is a friggin' werewolf?




Here's the deal.

Daddy makes promises just to break them. I feel like the dad in a freakin' Harry Chapin song.

I'm moving across the country now.

And, you know, that takes some time away from the computer.

So I'm just about at that point where I'm gonna have to say, maybe next season, son.



I will update again.

I will.

That is to say...

I promise we'll be a family again when the Royals win the pennant.

Go Royals! You're the Best!

June 27, 2007

I say "hiatus," you say "he hate us"

Disturbing news:

I was invited to join a fantasy football league already.

It seems like the baseball season ends sooner and sooner every year. And as a Royals fan, the season is usually over before it has even begun, but come on, fantasy football in June? Do we really need three months of preparation?

It's sad.

Anywho, I feel like a jerk for not updating. It probably seems like I'm done with the baseball season to the four people who pray before bed every night that I'll post some fake Emil Brown movie reviews (I promise I will soon) or nude photos of Daniel Cortes (I hope not, but if I happen to come across some more...).

But here's the deal. I didn't have time to post. I...

I got married. (She's a lucky, lucky woman)

And then, I went to Hawaii. (Fun Fact: In Hawaii, Royals highlights for the game that night actually air hours before in the middle of the afternoon... it's like seeing into the future!)

And now, I'm painting the house. (This is what happens when you get married)

And next week, I'm driving halfway across the country and back. (I will get to see an exhilarating Devil Rays-Royals matchup in KC, though)

So the Royals haven't gotten my full attention the last couple of weeks. I didn't get to see them pummel the Cards. I didn't get to see Alex Gordon turn into a good ballplayer. I missed Joey Gathright's return. The all-star push for Buck and Teahen. And the horrifying mistake that nearly was a trade for Milton Bradley. John Thomson? Better than Scott Elarton.

So, even though I'm constantly making false promises that, yes, I will be back and posting soon, you know the score.

Just keep hitting that refresh button and crossing your fingers.

I'll be back soon.

I promise. (Lies, damned lies)

Go Royals! You're the Best!

May 30, 2007

Hapless Hapless, Joy Joy!

Check this out:

May 1, 2007 from the Washington Post: "Angels Drop Hapless Royals to 8-18"

May 2, 2007 from AHN: "Surging Angels Defeat Hapless Royals"

May 10, 2007 from CBC Sports: "Blue Jays Paste Hapless Royals"

May 12, 2007 from the Herald News: "Sox's Garland Shuts Down Hapless Royals"

May 30, 2007 from the AP: "Guthrie Pitches Orioles Past Hapless Royals"

And don't assume that this only happens when the Royals lose. Take a look at these headlines from last year when the Royals were abusing the Red Sox and Yankees:

August 9, 2006 from the Boston Herald: "Sox Woes Hit New Low: Lester Struggles In Loss To Hapless Royals"

May 27, 2006 from the AP: "Hapless Royals Tip Yankees"

"Hapless Royals" may just be one of the most overused phrases ever. However, other overused phrases like "Git 'er Done!" and "Lohan back in rehab" are eventually forced out of popular language by, well, I guess everyone just finally says a collective "enough" and they go away. But "Hapless Royals" has staying power. God forbid anyone in the media open a thesaurus to find another adjective. While you had to be annoyed by every random jackass in the world yelling "Show Me The Money!" for only six months, KC fans have been hearing/reading the phrase, "Hapless Royals," for well over a decade. In fact, this was the team's original logo:

So what am I saying?


Kansas City might as well change its name to "Hapless."

No, that's not it.

I'm saying, while you're dealing with this as a Royals fan, you might as well be playing an eight-bit video game where every player looks like a bulbous Playskool figurine.

That's right, I have created an RBI Baseball 2007 edition.

Why did I do it?

Because I was tired of waiting for someone else to do it.

So go ahead.

Download RBI Baseball 2K7. (Don't forget, you need an NES Emulator, such as Nestopia.)

Play that game. Forget the fact you cheer for the "Hapless Royals."

Use that keyboard and win games as the "Kan City Royals."

Before you know it, the real team will have won a game again.

I mean, come on, they play the Devil Rays the next four games.

And we've got Namor the Sub-Mariner on our side.

Oh wait, you mean Tony Pena, Jr. isn't actually a merman?

Too obscure?

Should have gone with the easy Spock joke, I suppose.

Go Hapless Royals! You're the Best!

May 22, 2007

Coors Field Report

Saw the Royals cream the Rockies in extra innings in Denver on Sunday. What did I learn, seeing the Royals in person for the first time this year?

Basically, that this is the same Royals we've always had. They blew multiple saves in the game, wasted a decent start, and Emil Brown kicked a ball in the outfield. But something was different. They didn't give up. They didn't have a meltdown. No, that honor went to Colorado. I don't know that KC's comeback (you know, the third one they had to make, where they broke open the game off a guy with a 6-something ERA and even pitcher Joel Peralta smashed a double) says all that much about the Royals. I think it says a lot more about the Rockies. And probably something about the NL. 
A team like the Royals could compete for division titles over in the senior circuit. But as much bad baseball as KC fans are forced to watch already, I'd hate to have to watch them play the Nationals or the Cardinals on a regular basis. Seriously, six games with St. Louis might be a chore this year considering Tony LaRussa is currently drunk-dialing Alan and Andy Benes, begging them to come out of retirement to fill the holes in his pitching staff. Hell, the Cards could use Elaine Benes at this point.

But back to the Rockies game. I loved the park. Sure, they ripped off our fountains, but the rocks and evergreens and waterfalls are pretty cool. Very nice downtown location. Easy to get in and out (I'll explain why in a little bit). Overall, a great place to watch baseball.

But the fans. Wow.

Most apathetic group of people I've ever seen in my life.

I'll admit, the weather conditions weren't the most ideal, but when it started to sprinkle, fans immediately headed for the exits. And even though it never got worse than a drizzle, I'd say by the seventh or eighth inning, less than 10% of the crowd remained. We're talking over 30,000 fans leaving in a span of an hour or so. I've never seen the term "fair weather fans" applied more correctly than on Sunday. 
And something even stranger happened. Throngs of people got up and left right after the Rockies tied it in the bottom of the ninth to force extra innings. Just everyone getting up and leaving, like they thought the game had ended in a tie. Really, really bizarre to see the few fans who stayed to the ninth just get up and leave before free baseball. I guess they had to get home to... uh... what the hell else is there to do at 4 pm on a Sunday afternoon? Watch Ebert and Roeper? 
Of the 3,000 or so left for the remainder of the game, over half were Royals fans. During the Royals five-run barrage in the 12th, "Let's Go Royals!" chants filled the empty stadium. The only sounds Rockies fans made were boos, usually at their own pitcher for throwing to first. They also spent more time staring at the JumboTron than the field, though I don't think one replay was ever shown. It was mostly still photos of Paul Phillips looking fat and Alex Gordon looking stoned.

You know how some blogs have a Boyfriend of the Day? We don't need one at Royales with Cheese because that post about Daniel Cortes gets linked to on every gay message board on the net. Sorry Daniel, you're somebody's Boyfriend of the Day everyday. But I think we need to do a regular Pothead of the Day feature. Mostly because it's already done with the above photo. So today's PotD.... Alex Gordon.

But back to the point of the post, you can see why it was so easy to get out of the game. After the final out, we went to the parking lot that had been full an hour before the game started to find we were one of about five cars left. High school debate tournaments are harder to get out of than a Rockies game.

Of the fans left, as I said, most were Royals fans or confused Rockies fans. But there was one guy. This old bastard sitting in the next section over, listening to a walkman, rocking back and forth, bebopping along to his music, and keeping score. He muttered curses under his mustache continuously and yelled at the home plate ump (a mere 420 feet away from him) that balls thrown in the dirt were strikes. This man was hardcore. This man was full of rage. He seemed to be the mascot for the drunk kids around him, who laughed uproariously at everything he said.

So it shouldn't surprise you that when I got up to cheer for a Mark Teahen triple, the old bastard groused, "Eh, go back to Kansas City!"

I was confused.

"What?" I yelled back at him.

"Go back to Kansas City."

Choosing to be diplomatic, I shouted back, "Uh, both our teams suck, dude. Calm down."

"Go back to Kansas City," he grumbled again.

I thought he was adorable.

The people I was with thought he was scary.

Hence, no photographs of this crazy man.

However, through the magic of MS Paint, I have managed to cobble together a reasonable facsimile of him:

So, if you ever see this man, well, anywhere, feel free to punch him in the face for me and for all of Kansas City.

Go Royals! You're the Best!

May 18, 2007

Rockies with Cheese

So far this week, the Royals are 4-1. Those four wins are nearly 30% of their entire season's win total. And they could be 5-0, if the home plate umpire hadn't wanted to get home to watch Letterman the other night. The starting pitching has continued to be great, John Buck has continued to be Samson, and even Paul Phillips, Ryan Shealy and Angel Berroa have contributed to the offense this week. That's why the Royals are having THE BEST WEEK EVER.

So after a series win on the road in Oakland, what do the Royals do for an encore? They head to Denver to face the Colorado Rockies in the less dramatic of their two 1-70 series. But who are the Rockies? Well, if you'll recall, the Kansas City Scouts became the Colorado Rockies in 1976, and then in 1982 they moved onto New Jersey and became the Devils. In 1995, the people of Denver proved themselves to be the least creative people in the world when they named their new baseball team the Colorado Rockies. Scratch that, those jackasses in St. Louis that had two Cardinals franchises at once were the least creative people in the world. But we, as Royals fans, have quite a bit in common with the Rockies and should be the best of friends.

We have a lot in common. There's the obvious phonetic similarities in the team names, sure, but there's also these characters that we've both had to watch suck day in and day out over the years: Buddy Bell, Neifi Perez, Jeremy Affeldt, Denny Bautista, Scott Dohmann, Chris Stynes, Bryan Rekar, Curtis Leskanic, Eli Marrero, Alexis Gomez, Miguel Asencio, Sal Fasano, Scott Service, Desi Relaford, Scott Elarton, Nate Field, Brian Lawrence, Bobby Keppel, Kit Pellow, Mac Suzuki, Jay Witasick and that's just off the top of my head. You could field an entire team of players that have been cast off by both the Royals and the Rockies.

But do we really want to be friends with Rockies fans? So both teams suck, is that enough for us to be cool with each other? Probably. Especially since they hardly ever play each other. But when they do, that's when the friendship should end. And that means, for this weekend, we need to hate the Rockies.
How do we muster up the emotions we need to hate this team?

Well, that's where I come in.

Six reasons to hate the Rockies:

1) They are named after mountains for goodness sakes. But I don't think of the Rocky Mountains when I hear the name (which is strange, because I live in the Rocky Mountains). No, I think of these other Rockies instead:

Perhaps if Richmond, VA, gets a team and they name them the Appalachians, we'll get some symmetry going, but until then, there will always be other Rockies that are more popular than the baseball team.

2) One of their team colors is purple. They don't go crazy with it like the Wildcats or Jazz or Vikings unis, which actually are kind of cool. Nope, instead they use just enough purple to fruit up their traditional pinstripe uniforms and completely ruin them. A little purple is only cool when it's on your face:

3) They have maybe the lamest mascot ever:

His name is Dinger. And yes, those are polka dots.

He looks like a reject from Barney.

4) They play in the same city as the Broncos.

5) Coors Light is the worst, most flavorless beer ever made. On top of that, you can get drunker off one bottle of rubbing alcohol than a 30-Pack of Coors Light.

And last but not least....

6) That John Denver's full of shit, man.

Go Royals! You're the Best!

May 14, 2007

He's Baaaaaaaaaack!

Desperate times call for desperate measures.

The team thrashed the White Sox yesterday, but their record remains a laughable 12-26.

With Ross Gload headed for the DL, Dayton Moore had to make a tough decision.

Which player in Omaha could come up and make an immediate impact?

Perhaps turn the entire season around?

Which guy is a proven winner, a gamer, a tough as nails, faster than lightning, rockstar ballplayer?

Well, the choice was obvious:

Here he comes to save the day!

Angel Berroa is on his way!

Yes sir, when there is a wrong to right

Angel Berroa will join the fight!

On the sea or on the land

He gets the situation well in hand!

Ugh, who am I kidding...

Go Royals! You’re the Best!

May 10, 2007

Esteban German - the hitting = Alex Gordon


We can't be as bad as last year, we won't be as bad as last year, and we can't be as bad as last year.

The Royals beat the Athletics at Kauffman for the seventh time in thirty-five games since 2000.

Now THAT is something to celebrate.

Here is the play of the game.

Courtesy of Future Rookie of the Year/Gold Glover/Batting Title Champ/Triple Crown Winner/Hall of Famer/MVP/Home Run Champ/Cy Young Win--- uh, scratch that last one... and probably the first one and, well, maybe all of that (prove me wrong, AG, prove me wrong).

Anywho, here's Alex "The Future ___________" Gordon with the play of the game:

'Round these parts, we call that a "Germanic Web Gem."

Kudos to you, Gordon.


Be grateful I didn't make a joke about Alex taking balls to the face.

(I know I'm grateful for that.)

Go Royals! You're the Best!

May 9, 2007

Déjà Vu. The bad kind.


Remember last year when the Royals were on pace to be one of the worst teams ever?

Remember how bad they were? And how sickening it was to try and watch their games by early May? And remember how Allard Baird was fired and Dayton Moore was hired and all of a sudden the team was going to be awesome?

And remember how last year, on May 12, their record was 10-23?

And remember how five minutes ago, when you checked tonight's box score, you saw that their record is now 10-23?

They beat last year's team in futility by four days?


We can assume this year's team won't go on the same streak they did last year when they reached this record (they lost the next 12 straight).


Surely not this year?

Hell if I know.

Meche is starting tomorrow and the Athletics have an anemic offense. Then again, De La Rosa had an 0.68 ERA at home before going only four and a third innings tonight.

And it's not just the fact that KC is losing this year.

It's who they are losing to. (They were clobbered by Detroit on Sunday. That game's stars? Chad Durbin and Neifi Perez.)

It's how they are losing. (Two, maybe three clutch hits all season with runners in scoring position and more than one out.)

It's why they are losing. (They are just plain bad at this whole baseball thing.)

How do Royals fans cope with this sort of thing year in and year out?

We pull a Hasselhoff.

Actually, I have to be honest.

Even the drinking isn't helping this year.

I claimed I haven't blogged much because I've been busy, but to be honest, it has a lot more to do with this team. It hasn't inspired much in the way of humorous observations for me. I feel beaten down. I feel worn out. I feel pissed off.

How do we fix this?

How do we fix the team?

How do we fix me?

I think there are very few things that would cheer me up.

Here's what I have so far:

1) Fire Buddy Bell.
and 2) ...

Uh, I guess that's the main thing.

Sure, there are other, probably better ways to improve the team. But come on, why even pretend Bell is working as a manager at this point? He doesn't even look like he wants to be here.

Now I know, this may not help the Royals that much.

But I think it will help me.

And that's gotta be worth something, right?

Screw it. If Buddy isn't fired soon, I'll just crank out some Emil Brown movie reviews and link to more Royals' MySpace pages.

Go Royals! You're the Best!

April 28, 2007

TWIRB: This Week In Royals Baseball

It's now time to recap the past week of Royals baseball. But here at Royales with Cheese, we don't talk about how the actual games went (the wounds are too fresh). Instead, we talk about the unimportant stuff. Here are the top stories, in no particular order:

Torii, Tory, Torry

Poor Torii Hunter is in trouble again. In the last week, he has been in hot water for talking shit on baseball's tribute to Jackie Robinson and for sending four bottles of champagne to Mike Sweeney. On Thursday, Zach Greinke hit Hunter in the face with a wild pitch, creating this latest situation. No, Hunter didn't charge the mound (though he thought about it). He's actually being sued by Universal Pictures and the estate of H.G. Wells for copyright infringement of their classic Invisible Man character:

Bagels Bagged By Boffo Business

Panera Bread has pulled out of their Baker's Dozen of Bagels promotion. If the Royals collected 13 hits and won at Kauffman Stadium, all ticket holders were entitled to a baker's dozen of bagels. Well, the Royals accomplished this feat on April 20th, and Panera found themselves unable to deliver the goods. The timing couldn't have been worse, as the restaurant's inventory had already been diminished by roving gangs of stoners earlier in the day.

Mike Sweeney Homers for Sick Boy

The headline says it all. On Wednesday, Sweeney promised a boy about to undergo an operation for a brain aneurysm that he would homer off of Sidney "King Hippo" Ponson. And he delivered. No real joke to make here.

Though one has to wonder, if he can hit a homer for a sick boy, why can't he homer more often for a sick team?

Yeah, that was probably uncalled for.

Oh well.

Go Royals! You're the Best!

April 25, 2007

Mmmmm, Cow Tail.

I know, I know, I have gotten off to a truly horrible start this season when it comes to blogging. But to be fair, I've been writing/re-writing/defending my thesis and I just haven't had any time.

That all ends now. I am officially done with grad school after this weekend and I can put my full attention where it belongs: Royals baseball.

I've missed so many opportunities for hilarious posts. So allow me to completely misuse the entire purpose of the internet by posting old news as if it were really happening now!

Royals Reliever Joel Peralta was hospitalized for two days with a stomach virus. No, it wasn't the flu. JP admitted it was food poisoning from eating a cow's tail.

I can't blame him. Worst. Candy. Ever.


You mean he ate a real cow's tail?


One of these?


But I have a theory on why Joel Peralta ate something that is essentially a fly swatter ass attachment.

Brace yourselves...

It's a sex thing. You know, like bathing in koala piss or snorting ground-up rhino horn.

You know how I know?

His Myspace Page.

Go ahead. Click on the link. You can come back and read the rest of this after you've looked at all of his animated gifs of stick figures screwing.

Go on.


You're back?


So I'll go ahead and state the obvious: dude is obsessed with diddling. Which can mean only one thing: dude probably doesn't get much diddling.

Which can only add to his stress since he's in the Royals bullpen.

What can he do? Hell, eating a cow's tail has to be easier than telling the ladies he plays for the Royals.

That come-on line hasn't been a valid aphrodisiac since the mid-80's. You know, when George Brett was dining on his own cow tail:

Where have you gone Morganna, the Kissing Bandit? A nation turns its lonely eyes to you. (Woo woo woo.)

Go Royals! You're the Best!

April 16, 2007

Baby We Were Born to K

Alex Gordon is the future of the Royals. But if his first ten games are any indication, the Royals future is bleak. He's hitting .111 and has 14 strikeouts. He has struck out in every game he's played. He has two errors. He has been killing my fantasy team.

That said, the rest of the team isn't doing much better. Aside from David DeJesus, John Buck, Reggie Sanders, Ross Gload, and Esteban German (4 of those 5 guys are not everyday players, by the way), the offense is terrible. There isn't another player with an average over .231. Ryan Shealy looks like he spent his offseason forgetting how to tell a ball from a strike. Emil Brown, upset at less playing time, doesn't look like he deserves any. The team has over 100 strikeouts in two weeks.

It's too bad, because the pitching has been much much better than anyone expected. Zack Greinke is looking like an ace. Gil Meche has pitched well in 2 out of 3 starts. Even Jorge De La Rosa and Brandon Duckworth have had good starts. And Joakim Soria has been fantastic. If the Royals were sporting even an average offense, they'd be playing .500 ball right now.

That said, it isn't hopeless. Gordon will hit. The rest of the team will too. It just isn't possible for an entire lineup of guys to be hovering around the Mendoza line for too long. Nope, not even the Royals.

So for now, let's just celebrate Gordon and what little he's been able to produce:

Available for now as an EP. But by the end of the season, he'll have produced a box set. Guaranteed.

I know, I know, I should have made some sort of Springsteen/Gordon/Nebraska reference. Oh wait, does this count?

Go Royals! You're the Best! 

April 2, 2007

38 Excuses


Gil Meche... doesn't suck.

Tony Pena, Jr... doesn't suck.

John Buck... doesn't suck.

Curt Schilling... sucks.

You may have heard this, but Mr. Pitcher On The Original RBI Baseball Nintendo Game has his own blog.

It's called 38 Pitches.

Which is about what he threw in the first inning today.


In his blog, he proves he is the master of fragment sentences. And typos. And shortening the word fastball to "FB." And that he doesn't know the difference between "there," "their" and "they're."

But I digress.

My favorite quote in that post: "A lengthy AB from Shealy, saw me go to the split 3-2 which he took for ball 4 to walk in a run. I can’t remember if I ever done that?"

I'm guessing you probably have, Curt. You're older than God, after all.

But again, I digress.


What's weirder than reading Curt Schilling give a recap that sounds an awful lot like a fan trying to update a message board in real time during a game and nothing like a pitcher actually talking about how he played?


Reading the comments section of the post where fans stroke his ego that it's okay he sucked today.

But props to him for giving Meche and Kansas City fans credit. At least he owned up to his poor start. Although, he's always been this way at Kauffman Stadium. Last August, he tied an American League record by giving up 10 extra-base hits. Overall, he's 1-3 in Kansas City.

But really, I don't think this had anything to do with his trouble in KC. I don't think Curt was entirely honest. I think he should have just admitted the real reason why he was so ineffective today:

He was worried about who would win on the season finale of I Love New York. Yep, ol' Curt had money riding on a surprise reappearance of nose-picking Sox fan Mr. Boston.

That makes him 0-2 today. And a good bet to join Pete Rose in the Hall of Shame.

Hey, at least his bloody sock made it to Cooperstown.

Go Royals! 162-0! You're the Best!

March 26, 2007

¿Dos Tony Peñas? ¡Mierda!

Los Royals negoció para el hijo promedio del encargado anterior idiota Tony Peña.

Esto significa:

Adios, Ángel Maria!

¡Hola, Tony Francisco!

¡Ay chihuahua!

¡Vaya Royals! ¡Usted es el mejor!

March 19, 2007

Jazzed Up

So it's spring again, which means Royals fans are counting down the days until Mike Sweeney's next slipped disc. But Buddy and the Gang have limited Mike's activity this spring quite a lot.

And in what limited playing time Mike has seen so far, we have learned one, very important thing about how his style has changed. Long gone is the gritty catcher turned stiff first baseman turned flat-assed DH.

No, Mike Sweeney has become a finesse player.

One of style.

One of grace.

One of... uh... flamboyance?

One of... JAZZ HANDS!


March 6, 2007

Hit the Reject Button

This year, to sell tickets, the Royals have a WIDE variety of promotions. They've elected to add a Steve Busby Bobblehead, a Paul Splittorf bobblehead, and, um, a Terry Shumpert Bobblehead, while abandoning the Dozen Krispy Kremes for a Dozen Hits promotion that caused no less than 189 post-game traffic accidents in four years.

So here are the things that were contemplated as promotions this season, but were ultimately rejected by the PR department.

Rejected Promotion #1: The Runelvys Hernandez Life Raft.

He's big, he's fat, he's inflatable!

Rejected Promotion #2: The Brian Johnson Solo Album.

A free CD-R of former Royals Catcher Brian Johnson destroying AC/DC classics like "Thunderstruck" and "Have a Drink on Me."

Rejected Promotion #3: The Official Tony Muser Shaving Kit.

You ever notice how Tony Muser didn't have any sideburns? He just shaved straight across his upper cheek, right along the earline. Of course, this sort of over-shaving appealed to the Gillette people, who lobbied hard for their new 8-blade razor to be advertised at Royals games this year.

#4 - Chico Lind Novelty Ass Pants!

So you're a college girl with an ass that looks good in sweats, huh? Why not let the world know you're a Royals fan with these classic Chico Lind sweats that say, "Hey, I'm not drunk. And to prove it, I'm wearing pants!"

They also say, "Hey! Look at my ass!"

And finally, Rejected Promotion #5:

The Jim Eisenreich Talking Keychain.

Carry former Royal Jim Eisenreich with you everywhere you go! Press a button to hear six unique phrases, including "Hi, I'm Jim Eisenreich," "Bastard Tit Balls Ass!" "Sorry I let go of the bat and it flew into the stands and hit you in the head and gave you a severe concussion, kid!" and, of course, "Hi, I'm Jim Eisenreich!"

Always good to end on a joke about Tourette's syndrome.

Bastard Tit Balls Ass!

Go Royals! You're the Best!
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