January 31, 2007

Better Know A Ballplayer: Daniel Cortes

Welcome to the first installment of another series I will probably never continue after this initial post. That's right, Better Know A Ballplayer!

First up, Burlington Bees pitcher Daniel Cortes.

Cortes was acquired along with Tyler Lumsden last July in a trade that sent closer Mike MacDougal to the Chicago White Sox.

This was one move in a long list that Dayton Moore made to add pitching depth to the porous Royals minor league system.

Cortes has been rated pretty highly by guys who rate that sort of thing. He's got a fastball, curve and slider, decent presence on the mound for a young guy, and the make-up of a potential power pitcher.

But the thing people in baseball seem to love about Cortes has little to do with his fastball or curve or slider (in fact, the first thing the Royals did was tell Cortes he wasn't allowed to throw a slider ever again).

It isn't his intelligence or acumen on the mound.

And sure, all signs point to an increase in velocity and control, but honestly, that's not why scouts like him either.

Really, what gets baseball people all hot and bothered about Daniel Cortes is that he's only 19.

Young, strong, raw pitchers are every scout's wet dream.

Here's a comparison to illustrate my point--

Scouts: young, strong, raw pitchers ::
Naive women : drinking, farting, out-of-work men

Scouts and naive women love a challenge. In each of these scenarios, probably 9 out of 10 raw pitchers (or fat drunk losers) don't wind up being stars (or guys willing to pay child support).

But, there's always that one guy.

And the Royals are hoping Cortes can be that guy.

(My lady friend is also hoping I can be that guy.)

Now Cortes wasn't spectacular in 35 innings with Burlington last year, sporting a FatElvys-like 6.69 ERA, but he did strike out almost twice as many as he walked. He'll probably move up to Wilmington this year and we'll know a little more then. But honestly, he's a long ways from playing in the pros.

Alright, now that the background info is out of the way, let's have some fun.

Let's get to know Daniel Cortes through a sampling of photos from his personal MySpace page.

See Daniel:

See Daniel taking multiple pictures of himself in the mirror:

See Daniel pull an ollie on his skateboard while wearing a vulgar t-shirt:

See Daniel drink a beer and smoke a cigarette:

See Daniel smoke a hookah:

See Daniel smoke a hookah... umm... again:

And finally:

See Daniel drunk, nude and passed out on the toilet.


Who knew I had so much in common with a minor league ballplayer?

I almost always write this blog while drunk and nude on the toilet.

Royales with Cheese + Daniel Cortes = BFF!

I'm gonna send him a friend request on his MySpace.

Maybe you should, too.

Go Royals! You're the Best!

January 18, 2007

Do Your Duty: Vote Thunder Chickens Today!

The Wichita Wranglers are moving to Springdale, Arkansas (the headquarters of Tyson Chicken), for the 2008 season.
But they won't be the Springdale Wranglers. Instead, the public will vote from a list of possible names.
Here are the choices:
Springdale Anglers
Springdale Bass
Springdale Highlanders
Springdale Monarchs
Springdale Naturals
Springdale Ridge Runners
Springdale Thunder Chickens
Obviously, each name has it's positives.

And, each has it's negatives.
Each, except for Thunder Chickens.

Obviously, you are allowed your own opinion and I can't make you vote for Thunder Chickens, but I promise you, if that name loses, we all lose...
You don't really want to cheer for a team called the Anglers do you? You couldn't feel proud wearing a Springdale Bass hat, could you? You don't want to endure "I'm Duncan McLeod of the Clan McLeod" jokes for the rest of your life, do you? Don't even get me started on the Naturals and Ridge Runners.
So go vote, already.
And make the right choice.
Go Thunder Chickens! You're the Best! 

January 17, 2007

I'll take "Absolute Hottiness" over "Absolute Laziness" any day.

Sure, it's the dead of winter.

Sure, Opening Day is still two and a half months away.

Sure, I haven't updated this blog since October.

But spring training is coming. And soon.

Pitchers and Catchers report in a little under a month.

Everyone else in a little over a month.

Meaning the countdown to the Royals' return to glory begins soon. Well, I guess it began last year with the hiring of Dayton Moore. Or the firing of Allard Baird. Or however you want to look at it.

Honestly, it probably won't really begin until this guy:

is gone.

In case you can't tell, that's your favorite Rookie of the Year flameout and mine, Angel Berroa. Playing in the snow. With more energy than I've ever seen him have on the ballfield.

Moore may be trying to hasten Berroa's departure with his latest signing, the formerly retired Alex "S" Gonzalez. Honestly, if anyone can do anything to help me tell all of the Alex Gonzalez's apart, I'll be eternally grateful. That goes double for all of the Dee Browns.

Well, luckily for me, our newest Royal, Alex "S" Gonzalez has a fantastic fanatical fan site, Alex Gonzalez is an Absolute Hottie!, that separates him from all the other AGon's.

Fraught with typos, gigantic images, dead links and even a hilarious poll, this may be the reason the Internet was invented. Go ahead. Do yourself a favor. Have a look around. Have some laughs. And get to know our newest, absolutely hottest Royal.

Go Royals! You're the Best!

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