January 31, 2007

Better Know A Ballplayer: Daniel Cortes

Welcome to the first installment of another series I will probably never continue after this initial post. That's right, Better Know A Ballplayer!

First up, Burlington Bees pitcher Daniel Cortes.

Cortes was acquired along with Tyler Lumsden last July in a trade that sent closer Mike MacDougal to the Chicago White Sox.

This was one move in a long list that Dayton Moore made to add pitching depth to the porous Royals minor league system.

Cortes has been rated pretty highly by guys who rate that sort of thing. He's got a fastball, curve and slider, decent presence on the mound for a young guy, and the make-up of a potential power pitcher.

But the thing people in baseball seem to love about Cortes has little to do with his fastball or curve or slider (in fact, the first thing the Royals did was tell Cortes he wasn't allowed to throw a slider ever again).

It isn't his intelligence or acumen on the mound.

And sure, all signs point to an increase in velocity and control, but honestly, that's not why scouts like him either.

Really, what gets baseball people all hot and bothered about Daniel Cortes is that he's only 19.

Young, strong, raw pitchers are every scout's wet dream.

Here's a comparison to illustrate my point--

Scouts: young, strong, raw pitchers ::
Naive women : drinking, farting, out-of-work men

Scouts and naive women love a challenge. In each of these scenarios, probably 9 out of 10 raw pitchers (or fat drunk losers) don't wind up being stars (or guys willing to pay child support).

But, there's always that one guy.

And the Royals are hoping Cortes can be that guy.

(My lady friend is also hoping I can be that guy.)

Now Cortes wasn't spectacular in 35 innings with Burlington last year, sporting a FatElvys-like 6.69 ERA, but he did strike out almost twice as many as he walked. He'll probably move up to Wilmington this year and we'll know a little more then. But honestly, he's a long ways from playing in the pros.

Alright, now that the background info is out of the way, let's have some fun.

Let's get to know Daniel Cortes through a sampling of photos from his personal MySpace page.

See Daniel:

See Daniel taking multiple pictures of himself in the mirror:

See Daniel pull an ollie on his skateboard while wearing a vulgar t-shirt:

See Daniel drink a beer and smoke a cigarette:

See Daniel smoke a hookah:

See Daniel smoke a hookah... umm... again:

And finally:

See Daniel drunk, nude and passed out on the toilet.


Who knew I had so much in common with a minor league ballplayer?

I almost always write this blog while drunk and nude on the toilet.

Royales with Cheese + Daniel Cortes = BFF!

I'm gonna send him a friend request on his MySpace.

Maybe you should, too.

Go Royals! You're the Best!

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