March 26, 2007

¿Dos Tony Peñas? ¡Mierda!

Los Royals negoció para el hijo promedio del encargado anterior idiota Tony Peña.

Esto significa:

Adios, Ángel Maria!

¡Hola, Tony Francisco!

¡Ay chihuahua!

¡Vaya Royals! ¡Usted es el mejor!

March 19, 2007

Jazzed Up

So it's spring again, which means Royals fans are counting down the days until Mike Sweeney's next slipped disc. But Buddy and the Gang have limited Mike's activity this spring quite a lot.

And in what limited playing time Mike has seen so far, we have learned one, very important thing about how his style has changed. Long gone is the gritty catcher turned stiff first baseman turned flat-assed DH.

No, Mike Sweeney has become a finesse player.

One of style.

One of grace.

One of... uh... flamboyance?

One of... JAZZ HANDS!


March 6, 2007

Hit the Reject Button

This year, to sell tickets, the Royals have a WIDE variety of promotions. They've elected to add a Steve Busby Bobblehead, a Paul Splittorf bobblehead, and, um, a Terry Shumpert Bobblehead, while abandoning the Dozen Krispy Kremes for a Dozen Hits promotion that caused no less than 189 post-game traffic accidents in four years.

So here are the things that were contemplated as promotions this season, but were ultimately rejected by the PR department.

Rejected Promotion #1: The Runelvys Hernandez Life Raft.

He's big, he's fat, he's inflatable!

Rejected Promotion #2: The Brian Johnson Solo Album.

A free CD-R of former Royals Catcher Brian Johnson destroying AC/DC classics like "Thunderstruck" and "Have a Drink on Me."

Rejected Promotion #3: The Official Tony Muser Shaving Kit.

You ever notice how Tony Muser didn't have any sideburns? He just shaved straight across his upper cheek, right along the earline. Of course, this sort of over-shaving appealed to the Gillette people, who lobbied hard for their new 8-blade razor to be advertised at Royals games this year.

#4 - Chico Lind Novelty Ass Pants!

So you're a college girl with an ass that looks good in sweats, huh? Why not let the world know you're a Royals fan with these classic Chico Lind sweats that say, "Hey, I'm not drunk. And to prove it, I'm wearing pants!"

They also say, "Hey! Look at my ass!"

And finally, Rejected Promotion #5:

The Jim Eisenreich Talking Keychain.

Carry former Royal Jim Eisenreich with you everywhere you go! Press a button to hear six unique phrases, including "Hi, I'm Jim Eisenreich," "Bastard Tit Balls Ass!" "Sorry I let go of the bat and it flew into the stands and hit you in the head and gave you a severe concussion, kid!" and, of course, "Hi, I'm Jim Eisenreich!"

Always good to end on a joke about Tourette's syndrome.

Bastard Tit Balls Ass!

Go Royals! You're the Best!
Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...