March 6, 2007

Hit the Reject Button

This year, to sell tickets, the Royals have a WIDE variety of promotions. They've elected to add a Steve Busby Bobblehead, a Paul Splittorf bobblehead, and, um, a Terry Shumpert Bobblehead, while abandoning the Dozen Krispy Kremes for a Dozen Hits promotion that caused no less than 189 post-game traffic accidents in four years.

So here are the things that were contemplated as promotions this season, but were ultimately rejected by the PR department.

Rejected Promotion #1: The Runelvys Hernandez Life Raft.

He's big, he's fat, he's inflatable!

Rejected Promotion #2: The Brian Johnson Solo Album.

A free CD-R of former Royals Catcher Brian Johnson destroying AC/DC classics like "Thunderstruck" and "Have a Drink on Me."

Rejected Promotion #3: The Official Tony Muser Shaving Kit.

You ever notice how Tony Muser didn't have any sideburns? He just shaved straight across his upper cheek, right along the earline. Of course, this sort of over-shaving appealed to the Gillette people, who lobbied hard for their new 8-blade razor to be advertised at Royals games this year.

#4 - Chico Lind Novelty Ass Pants!

So you're a college girl with an ass that looks good in sweats, huh? Why not let the world know you're a Royals fan with these classic Chico Lind sweats that say, "Hey, I'm not drunk. And to prove it, I'm wearing pants!"

They also say, "Hey! Look at my ass!"

And finally, Rejected Promotion #5:

The Jim Eisenreich Talking Keychain.

Carry former Royal Jim Eisenreich with you everywhere you go! Press a button to hear six unique phrases, including "Hi, I'm Jim Eisenreich," "Bastard Tit Balls Ass!" "Sorry I let go of the bat and it flew into the stands and hit you in the head and gave you a severe concussion, kid!" and, of course, "Hi, I'm Jim Eisenreich!"

Always good to end on a joke about Tourette's syndrome.

Bastard Tit Balls Ass!

Go Royals! You're the Best!


  1. Tony Muser used to play for Montgomery Burns.


  2. Danny Hefner9:17 PM

    You're not drunk. I know because I can see you.

    Get yer hand outta yer pants.

  3. Name that Royal:

    “Same guy,” one scout said. “No change that I can see. Still labors to get to everything in the field and shows no concept of the strike zone. None.”

    “I don’t want to swing at those breaking pitches,” he admitted, “but sometimes they get me.”

  4. Fairly obvious: Angel Berroa. Let's hope Blanco pushes him off the roster this spring.

  5. Anonymous12:41 AM

    Eisenreich was a Royal? Know that, I did not. I just remember him on the Phillies. Pete Rose in his last book compared his gambling problem with Eisenreich's affliction. (I forget, is it Tourette's? Epilepsy?)

    Anthony Michael Hall and AC/DC! LOL


  6. what, no Emil Brown greeting cards?

    seriously, I am glad baseball is back because it means you are back too (please?)


Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...