May 30, 2007

Hapless Hapless, Joy Joy!

Check this out:

May 1, 2007 from the Washington Post: "Angels Drop Hapless Royals to 8-18"

May 2, 2007 from AHN: "Surging Angels Defeat Hapless Royals"

May 10, 2007 from CBC Sports: "Blue Jays Paste Hapless Royals"

May 12, 2007 from the Herald News: "Sox's Garland Shuts Down Hapless Royals"

May 30, 2007 from the AP: "Guthrie Pitches Orioles Past Hapless Royals"

And don't assume that this only happens when the Royals lose. Take a look at these headlines from last year when the Royals were abusing the Red Sox and Yankees:

August 9, 2006 from the Boston Herald: "Sox Woes Hit New Low: Lester Struggles In Loss To Hapless Royals"

May 27, 2006 from the AP: "Hapless Royals Tip Yankees"

"Hapless Royals" may just be one of the most overused phrases ever. However, other overused phrases like "Git 'er Done!" and "Lohan back in rehab" are eventually forced out of popular language by, well, I guess everyone just finally says a collective "enough" and they go away. But "Hapless Royals" has staying power. God forbid anyone in the media open a thesaurus to find another adjective. While you had to be annoyed by every random jackass in the world yelling "Show Me The Money!" for only six months, KC fans have been hearing/reading the phrase, "Hapless Royals," for well over a decade. In fact, this was the team's original logo:

So what am I saying?


Kansas City might as well change its name to "Hapless."

No, that's not it.

I'm saying, while you're dealing with this as a Royals fan, you might as well be playing an eight-bit video game where every player looks like a bulbous Playskool figurine.

That's right, I have created an RBI Baseball 2007 edition.

Why did I do it?

Because I was tired of waiting for someone else to do it.

So go ahead.

Download RBI Baseball 2K7. (Don't forget, you need an NES Emulator, such as Nestopia.)

Play that game. Forget the fact you cheer for the "Hapless Royals."

Use that keyboard and win games as the "Kan City Royals."

Before you know it, the real team will have won a game again.

I mean, come on, they play the Devil Rays the next four games.

And we've got Namor the Sub-Mariner on our side.

Oh wait, you mean Tony Pena, Jr. isn't actually a merman?

Too obscure?

Should have gone with the easy Spock joke, I suppose.

Go Hapless Royals! You're the Best!

May 22, 2007

Coors Field Report

Saw the Royals cream the Rockies in extra innings in Denver on Sunday. What did I learn, seeing the Royals in person for the first time this year?

Basically, that this is the same Royals we've always had. They blew multiple saves in the game, wasted a decent start, and Emil Brown kicked a ball in the outfield. But something was different. They didn't give up. They didn't have a meltdown. No, that honor went to Colorado. I don't know that KC's comeback (you know, the third one they had to make, where they broke open the game off a guy with a 6-something ERA and even pitcher Joel Peralta smashed a double) says all that much about the Royals. I think it says a lot more about the Rockies. And probably something about the NL. 
A team like the Royals could compete for division titles over in the senior circuit. But as much bad baseball as KC fans are forced to watch already, I'd hate to have to watch them play the Nationals or the Cardinals on a regular basis. Seriously, six games with St. Louis might be a chore this year considering Tony LaRussa is currently drunk-dialing Alan and Andy Benes, begging them to come out of retirement to fill the holes in his pitching staff. Hell, the Cards could use Elaine Benes at this point.

But back to the Rockies game. I loved the park. Sure, they ripped off our fountains, but the rocks and evergreens and waterfalls are pretty cool. Very nice downtown location. Easy to get in and out (I'll explain why in a little bit). Overall, a great place to watch baseball.

But the fans. Wow.

Most apathetic group of people I've ever seen in my life.

I'll admit, the weather conditions weren't the most ideal, but when it started to sprinkle, fans immediately headed for the exits. And even though it never got worse than a drizzle, I'd say by the seventh or eighth inning, less than 10% of the crowd remained. We're talking over 30,000 fans leaving in a span of an hour or so. I've never seen the term "fair weather fans" applied more correctly than on Sunday. 
And something even stranger happened. Throngs of people got up and left right after the Rockies tied it in the bottom of the ninth to force extra innings. Just everyone getting up and leaving, like they thought the game had ended in a tie. Really, really bizarre to see the few fans who stayed to the ninth just get up and leave before free baseball. I guess they had to get home to... uh... what the hell else is there to do at 4 pm on a Sunday afternoon? Watch Ebert and Roeper? 
Of the 3,000 or so left for the remainder of the game, over half were Royals fans. During the Royals five-run barrage in the 12th, "Let's Go Royals!" chants filled the empty stadium. The only sounds Rockies fans made were boos, usually at their own pitcher for throwing to first. They also spent more time staring at the JumboTron than the field, though I don't think one replay was ever shown. It was mostly still photos of Paul Phillips looking fat and Alex Gordon looking stoned.

You know how some blogs have a Boyfriend of the Day? We don't need one at Royales with Cheese because that post about Daniel Cortes gets linked to on every gay message board on the net. Sorry Daniel, you're somebody's Boyfriend of the Day everyday. But I think we need to do a regular Pothead of the Day feature. Mostly because it's already done with the above photo. So today's PotD.... Alex Gordon.

But back to the point of the post, you can see why it was so easy to get out of the game. After the final out, we went to the parking lot that had been full an hour before the game started to find we were one of about five cars left. High school debate tournaments are harder to get out of than a Rockies game.

Of the fans left, as I said, most were Royals fans or confused Rockies fans. But there was one guy. This old bastard sitting in the next section over, listening to a walkman, rocking back and forth, bebopping along to his music, and keeping score. He muttered curses under his mustache continuously and yelled at the home plate ump (a mere 420 feet away from him) that balls thrown in the dirt were strikes. This man was hardcore. This man was full of rage. He seemed to be the mascot for the drunk kids around him, who laughed uproariously at everything he said.

So it shouldn't surprise you that when I got up to cheer for a Mark Teahen triple, the old bastard groused, "Eh, go back to Kansas City!"

I was confused.

"What?" I yelled back at him.

"Go back to Kansas City."

Choosing to be diplomatic, I shouted back, "Uh, both our teams suck, dude. Calm down."

"Go back to Kansas City," he grumbled again.

I thought he was adorable.

The people I was with thought he was scary.

Hence, no photographs of this crazy man.

However, through the magic of MS Paint, I have managed to cobble together a reasonable facsimile of him:

So, if you ever see this man, well, anywhere, feel free to punch him in the face for me and for all of Kansas City.

Go Royals! You're the Best!

May 18, 2007

Rockies with Cheese

So far this week, the Royals are 4-1. Those four wins are nearly 30% of their entire season's win total. And they could be 5-0, if the home plate umpire hadn't wanted to get home to watch Letterman the other night. The starting pitching has continued to be great, John Buck has continued to be Samson, and even Paul Phillips, Ryan Shealy and Angel Berroa have contributed to the offense this week. That's why the Royals are having THE BEST WEEK EVER.

So after a series win on the road in Oakland, what do the Royals do for an encore? They head to Denver to face the Colorado Rockies in the less dramatic of their two 1-70 series. But who are the Rockies? Well, if you'll recall, the Kansas City Scouts became the Colorado Rockies in 1976, and then in 1982 they moved onto New Jersey and became the Devils. In 1995, the people of Denver proved themselves to be the least creative people in the world when they named their new baseball team the Colorado Rockies. Scratch that, those jackasses in St. Louis that had two Cardinals franchises at once were the least creative people in the world. But we, as Royals fans, have quite a bit in common with the Rockies and should be the best of friends.

We have a lot in common. There's the obvious phonetic similarities in the team names, sure, but there's also these characters that we've both had to watch suck day in and day out over the years: Buddy Bell, Neifi Perez, Jeremy Affeldt, Denny Bautista, Scott Dohmann, Chris Stynes, Bryan Rekar, Curtis Leskanic, Eli Marrero, Alexis Gomez, Miguel Asencio, Sal Fasano, Scott Service, Desi Relaford, Scott Elarton, Nate Field, Brian Lawrence, Bobby Keppel, Kit Pellow, Mac Suzuki, Jay Witasick and that's just off the top of my head. You could field an entire team of players that have been cast off by both the Royals and the Rockies.

But do we really want to be friends with Rockies fans? So both teams suck, is that enough for us to be cool with each other? Probably. Especially since they hardly ever play each other. But when they do, that's when the friendship should end. And that means, for this weekend, we need to hate the Rockies.
How do we muster up the emotions we need to hate this team?

Well, that's where I come in.

Six reasons to hate the Rockies:

1) They are named after mountains for goodness sakes. But I don't think of the Rocky Mountains when I hear the name (which is strange, because I live in the Rocky Mountains). No, I think of these other Rockies instead:

Perhaps if Richmond, VA, gets a team and they name them the Appalachians, we'll get some symmetry going, but until then, there will always be other Rockies that are more popular than the baseball team.

2) One of their team colors is purple. They don't go crazy with it like the Wildcats or Jazz or Vikings unis, which actually are kind of cool. Nope, instead they use just enough purple to fruit up their traditional pinstripe uniforms and completely ruin them. A little purple is only cool when it's on your face:

3) They have maybe the lamest mascot ever:

His name is Dinger. And yes, those are polka dots.

He looks like a reject from Barney.

4) They play in the same city as the Broncos.

5) Coors Light is the worst, most flavorless beer ever made. On top of that, you can get drunker off one bottle of rubbing alcohol than a 30-Pack of Coors Light.

And last but not least....

6) That John Denver's full of shit, man.

Go Royals! You're the Best!

May 14, 2007

He's Baaaaaaaaaack!

Desperate times call for desperate measures.

The team thrashed the White Sox yesterday, but their record remains a laughable 12-26.

With Ross Gload headed for the DL, Dayton Moore had to make a tough decision.

Which player in Omaha could come up and make an immediate impact?

Perhaps turn the entire season around?

Which guy is a proven winner, a gamer, a tough as nails, faster than lightning, rockstar ballplayer?

Well, the choice was obvious:

Here he comes to save the day!

Angel Berroa is on his way!

Yes sir, when there is a wrong to right

Angel Berroa will join the fight!

On the sea or on the land

He gets the situation well in hand!

Ugh, who am I kidding...

Go Royals! You’re the Best!

May 10, 2007

Esteban German - the hitting = Alex Gordon


We can't be as bad as last year, we won't be as bad as last year, and we can't be as bad as last year.

The Royals beat the Athletics at Kauffman for the seventh time in thirty-five games since 2000.

Now THAT is something to celebrate.

Here is the play of the game.

Courtesy of Future Rookie of the Year/Gold Glover/Batting Title Champ/Triple Crown Winner/Hall of Famer/MVP/Home Run Champ/Cy Young Win--- uh, scratch that last one... and probably the first one and, well, maybe all of that (prove me wrong, AG, prove me wrong).

Anywho, here's Alex "The Future ___________" Gordon with the play of the game:

'Round these parts, we call that a "Germanic Web Gem."

Kudos to you, Gordon.


Be grateful I didn't make a joke about Alex taking balls to the face.

(I know I'm grateful for that.)

Go Royals! You're the Best!

May 9, 2007

Déjà Vu. The bad kind.


Remember last year when the Royals were on pace to be one of the worst teams ever?

Remember how bad they were? And how sickening it was to try and watch their games by early May? And remember how Allard Baird was fired and Dayton Moore was hired and all of a sudden the team was going to be awesome?

And remember how last year, on May 12, their record was 10-23?

And remember how five minutes ago, when you checked tonight's box score, you saw that their record is now 10-23?

They beat last year's team in futility by four days?


We can assume this year's team won't go on the same streak they did last year when they reached this record (they lost the next 12 straight).


Surely not this year?

Hell if I know.

Meche is starting tomorrow and the Athletics have an anemic offense. Then again, De La Rosa had an 0.68 ERA at home before going only four and a third innings tonight.

And it's not just the fact that KC is losing this year.

It's who they are losing to. (They were clobbered by Detroit on Sunday. That game's stars? Chad Durbin and Neifi Perez.)

It's how they are losing. (Two, maybe three clutch hits all season with runners in scoring position and more than one out.)

It's why they are losing. (They are just plain bad at this whole baseball thing.)

How do Royals fans cope with this sort of thing year in and year out?

We pull a Hasselhoff.

Actually, I have to be honest.

Even the drinking isn't helping this year.

I claimed I haven't blogged much because I've been busy, but to be honest, it has a lot more to do with this team. It hasn't inspired much in the way of humorous observations for me. I feel beaten down. I feel worn out. I feel pissed off.

How do we fix this?

How do we fix the team?

How do we fix me?

I think there are very few things that would cheer me up.

Here's what I have so far:

1) Fire Buddy Bell.
and 2) ...

Uh, I guess that's the main thing.

Sure, there are other, probably better ways to improve the team. But come on, why even pretend Bell is working as a manager at this point? He doesn't even look like he wants to be here.

Now I know, this may not help the Royals that much.

But I think it will help me.

And that's gotta be worth something, right?

Screw it. If Buddy isn't fired soon, I'll just crank out some Emil Brown movie reviews and link to more Royals' MySpace pages.

Go Royals! You're the Best!
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