May 18, 2007

Rockies with Cheese

So far this week, the Royals are 4-1. Those four wins are nearly 30% of their entire season's win total. And they could be 5-0, if the home plate umpire hadn't wanted to get home to watch Letterman the other night. The starting pitching has continued to be great, John Buck has continued to be Samson, and even Paul Phillips, Ryan Shealy and Angel Berroa have contributed to the offense this week. That's why the Royals are having THE BEST WEEK EVER.

So after a series win on the road in Oakland, what do the Royals do for an encore? They head to Denver to face the Colorado Rockies in the less dramatic of their two 1-70 series. But who are the Rockies? Well, if you'll recall, the Kansas City Scouts became the Colorado Rockies in 1976, and then in 1982 they moved onto New Jersey and became the Devils. In 1995, the people of Denver proved themselves to be the least creative people in the world when they named their new baseball team the Colorado Rockies. Scratch that, those jackasses in St. Louis that had two Cardinals franchises at once were the least creative people in the world. But we, as Royals fans, have quite a bit in common with the Rockies and should be the best of friends.

We have a lot in common. There's the obvious phonetic similarities in the team names, sure, but there's also these characters that we've both had to watch suck day in and day out over the years: Buddy Bell, Neifi Perez, Jeremy Affeldt, Denny Bautista, Scott Dohmann, Chris Stynes, Bryan Rekar, Curtis Leskanic, Eli Marrero, Alexis Gomez, Miguel Asencio, Sal Fasano, Scott Service, Desi Relaford, Scott Elarton, Nate Field, Brian Lawrence, Bobby Keppel, Kit Pellow, Mac Suzuki, Jay Witasick and that's just off the top of my head. You could field an entire team of players that have been cast off by both the Royals and the Rockies.

But do we really want to be friends with Rockies fans? So both teams suck, is that enough for us to be cool with each other? Probably. Especially since they hardly ever play each other. But when they do, that's when the friendship should end. And that means, for this weekend, we need to hate the Rockies.
How do we muster up the emotions we need to hate this team?

Well, that's where I come in.

Six reasons to hate the Rockies:

1) They are named after mountains for goodness sakes. But I don't think of the Rocky Mountains when I hear the name (which is strange, because I live in the Rocky Mountains). No, I think of these other Rockies instead:

Perhaps if Richmond, VA, gets a team and they name them the Appalachians, we'll get some symmetry going, but until then, there will always be other Rockies that are more popular than the baseball team.

2) One of their team colors is purple. They don't go crazy with it like the Wildcats or Jazz or Vikings unis, which actually are kind of cool. Nope, instead they use just enough purple to fruit up their traditional pinstripe uniforms and completely ruin them. A little purple is only cool when it's on your face:

3) They have maybe the lamest mascot ever:

His name is Dinger. And yes, those are polka dots.

He looks like a reject from Barney.

4) They play in the same city as the Broncos.

5) Coors Light is the worst, most flavorless beer ever made. On top of that, you can get drunker off one bottle of rubbing alcohol than a 30-Pack of Coors Light.

And last but not least....

6) That John Denver's full of shit, man.

Go Royals! You're the Best!

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