¿Dos Tony Peñas? ¡Mierda!

Los Royals negoció para el hijo promedio del encargado anterior idiota Tony Peña.

Esto significa:

Adios, Ángel Maria!

¡Hola, Tony Francisco!

¡Ay chihuahua!

¡Vaya Royals! ¡Usted es el mejor!

The Inevitable Mike Sweeney Post

So it's spring again, which means Royals fans are counting down the days until Mike Sweeney's next slipped disc. But Buddy and the Gang have limited Mike's activity this spring quite a lot.

And in what limited playing time Mike has seen so far, we have learned one, very important thing about how his style has changed. Long gone is the gritty catcher turned stiff first baseman turned flat-assed DH.

No, Mike Sweeney has become a finesse player.

One of style.

One of grace.

One of... uh... flamboyance?




One of... JAZZ HANDS!

GO ROYALS! YOU'RE THE BEST!

Drunk Me = Post Now

Alright, I'll admit I'm drunk. But you can't blame me. It's grad school. Grad School made me what I am.

Anywho, here's the new blog. I promise that it contains no pictures of nude pitching prospects passed out on the toilet.

No, this is not a post for mocking current Royals. Or future Royals. Or guys who will never make the... god, I'm drunk.

No, this post is for some lame, old school knocks on dudes that can't afford to sue my ass. Watch out, Bip Roberts, you Firecracker Throwin' Mother Bitch!

And.... scene.

So, here's what the post is all about:

Royals Promotions that were rejected by the 2007 Sales Department...

This year, to sell tickets, they've elected to add a Steve Busby Bobblehead, a Paul Splittorf bobblehead, a, um, Terry Shumpert Bobblehead and a Mark Teahen t-shirt, while abandoning the Dozen Krispy Kremes for a Dozen Hits promotion that caused no less than 189 post-game traffic accidents in four years.

So here are the things that were contemplated as promotions this season, but were ultimately rejected by the PR department.

Rejected Promotion #1: The Runelvys Hernandez Life Raft.

He's big, he's fat, he's inflatable!

Rejected Promotion #2: The Brian Johnson Solo Album.

A free CD-R of former Royals Catcher Brian Johnson destroying AC/DC classics like "Thunderstruck" and "Have a Drink on Me."

Rejected Promotion #3: The Official Tony Muser Shaving Kit.

You ever notice how Tony Muser didn't have any sideburns? He just shaved straight across his upper cheek, right along the earline. This guy was against facial hair, even if it made him look like a pale friendless virgin coming of age in the late 1960s. Of course, this sort of over-shaving appealed to the Gillette people, who lobbied hard for their new 8-blade razor to be advertised at Royals games this year.


#4 - Chico Lind Novelty Ass Pants!

So you're a college girl with an ass that looks good in sweats, huh? Why not let the world know you're a Royals fan with these classic Chico Lind sweats that say, "Hey, I'm not drunk. And to prove it, I'm wearing pants!"

They also say, "Hey! Look at my ass!"


And finally, Rejected Promotion #5:

The Jim Eisenreich Talking Keychain.

Carry former Royal Jim Eisenreich with you everywhere you go! Press a button to hear six unique phrases, including "Hi, I'm Jim Eisenreich," "Bastard Tit Balls Ass!" "Sorry I let go of the bat and it flew into the stands and hit you in the head and gave you a severe concussion, kid!" and, of course, "Hi, I'm Jim Eisenreich!"

Always good to end on a joke about Tourette's syndrome.

Bastard Tit Balls Ass!

Go Royals! You're the Best!