TWIRB: This Week In Royals Baseball

It's now time to recap the past week of Royals baseball. But here at Royales with Cheese, we don't talk about how the actual games went (the wounds are too fresh). Instead, we talk about the unimportant stuff. Here are the top stories, in no particular order:


Torii, Tory, Torry

Poor Torii Hunter is in trouble again. In the last week, he has been in hot water for talking shit on baseball's tribute to Jackie Robinson and for sending four bottles of champagne to Mike Sweeney. On Thursday, Zach Greinke hit Hunter in the face with a wild pitch, creating this latest situation. No, Hunter didn't charge the mound (though he thought about it). He's actually being sued by Universal Pictures and the estate of H.G. Wells for copyright infringement of their classic Invisible Man character:

Bagels Bagged By Boffo Business

Panera Bread has pulled out of their Baker's Dozen of Bagels promotion. If the Royals collected 13 hits and won at Kauffman Stadium, all ticket holders were entitled to a baker's dozen of bagels. Well, the Royals accomplished this feat on April 20th, and Panera found themselves unable to deliver the goods. The timing couldn't have been worse, as the restaurant's inventory had already been diminished by roving gangs of stoners earlier in the day.

Mike Sweeney Homers for Sick Boy

The headline says it all. On Wednesday, Sweeney promised a boy about to undergo an operation for a brain aneurysm that he would homer off of Sidney "King Hippo" Ponson. And he delivered. No real joke to make here.

Though one has to wonder, if he can hit a homer for a sick boy, why can't he homer more often for a sick team?

Yeah, that was probably uncalled for.

Oh well.

Go Royals! You're the Best!

Mmmmm, Cow Tail.

I know, I know, I have gotten off to a truly horrible start this season when it comes to blogging. But to be fair, I've been writing/re-writing/defending my thesis and I just haven't had any time.

That all ends now. I am officially done with grad school after this weekend and I can put my full attention where it belongs: Royals baseball.

I've missed so many opportunities for hilarious posts. So allow me to completely misuse the entire purpose of the internet by posting old news as if it were really happening now!

Royals Reliever Joel Peralta was hospitalized for two days with a stomach virus. No, it wasn't the flu. JP admitted it was food poisoning from eating a cow's tail.

I can't blame him. Worst. Candy. Ever.

What?

You mean he ate a real cow's tail?

Really?

One of these?

Yikes.

But I have a theory on why Joel Peralta ate something that is essentially a fly swatter ass attachment.

Brace yourselves...

It's a sex thing. You know, like bathing in koala piss or snorting ground-up rhino horn.

You know how I know?

His Myspace Page.

Go ahead. Click on the link. You can come back and read the rest of this after you've looked at all of his animated gifs of stick figures screwing.

Go on.

....

You're back?

Good.

So I'll go ahead and state the obvious: dude is obsessed with diddling. Which can mean only one thing: dude probably doesn't get much diddling.

Which can only add to his stress since he's in the Royals bullpen.

What can he do? Hell, eating a cow's tail has to be easier than telling the ladies he plays for the Royals.

That come-on line hasn't been a valid aphrodisiac since the mid-80's. You know, when George Brett was dining on his own cow tail:

Where have you gone Morganna, the Kissing Bandit? A nation turns its lonely eyes to you. (Woo woo woo.)

Go Royals! You're the Best!

Baby We Were Born to K

Alex Gordon is the future of the Royals. But if his first ten games are any indication, the Royals future is bleak. He's hitting .111 and has 14 strikeouts. He has struck out in every game he's played. He has two errors. He has been killing my fantasy team.  
That said, the rest of the team isn't doing much better. Aside from David DeJesus, John Buck, Reggie Sanders, Ross Gload, and Esteban German (4 of those 5 guys are not everyday players, by the way), the offense is terrible. There isn't another player with an average over .231. Ryan Shealy looks like he spent his offseason forgetting how to tell a ball from a strike. Emil Brown, upset at less playing time, doesn't look like he deserves any. The team has over 100 strikeouts in two weeks.

It's too bad, because the pitching has been much much better than anyone expected. Zack Greinke is looking like an ace. Gil Meche has pitched well in 2 out of 3 starts. Even Jorge De La Rosa and Brandon Duckworth have had good starts. And Joakim Soria has been fantastic. If the Royals were sporting even an average offense, they'd be playing .500 ball right now.

That said, it isn't hopeless. Gordon will hit. The rest of the team will too. It just isn't possible for an entire lineup of guys to be hovering around the Mendoza line for too long. Nope, not even the Royals.

So for now, let's just celebrate Gordon and what little he's been able to produce:

Available for now as an EP. But by the end of the season, he'll have produced a box set. Guaranteed.

I know, I know, I should have made some sort of Springsteen/Gordon/Nebraska reference. Oh wait, does this count?

Go Royals! You're the Best!

The Post Wherein I Mock a Future Hall of Famer

SURPRISE!

Gil Meche... doesn't suck.

Tony Pena, Jr... doesn't suck.

John Buck... doesn't suck.

Curt Schilling... sucks.

You may have heard this, but Mr. Pitcher On The Original RBI Baseball Nintendo Game has his own blog.

It's called 38 Pitches.

Which is about what he threw in the first inning today.

ZING!

In his blog, he proves he is the master of fragment sentences. And typos. And shortening the word fastball to "FB." And also that he doesn't know the difference between "there," "their" and "they're."

But I digress.

My favorite quote in that post: "A lengthy AB from Shealy, saw me go to the split 3-2 which he took for ball 4 to walk in a run. I can’t remember if I ever done that?"

I'm guessing you probably have, Curt. You're older than God, after all.

But again, I digress.

Question:

What's weirder than reading Curt Schilling give a recap that sounds an awful lot like a fan trying to update a message board in real time during a game and nothing like a pitcher actually talking about how he played?

Answer:

Reading the comments section of the post where fans stroke his ego that it's okay he sucked today.

But props to him for giving Meche and Kansas City fans credit. At least he owned up to his poor start. Although, he's always been this way at Kauffman Stadium. Last August, he tied an American League record by giving up 10 extra-base hits. Overall, he's 1-3 in Kansas City.

But really, I don't think this had anything to do with his trouble in KC. I don't think Curt was entirely honest. I think he should have just admitted the real reason why he was so ineffective today:

He was worried about who would win on the season finale of I Love New York. Yep, ol' Curt had money riding on a surprise reappearance of nose-picking Sox fan Mr. Boston.

That makes him 0-2 today. And a good bet to join Pete Rose in the Hall of Shame.

Hey, at least his bloody sock made it to Cooperstown.

Go Royals! 162-0! You're the Best!