May 18, 2007

Rockies with Cheese

So far this week, the Royals are 4-1. Those four wins are nearly 30% of their entire season's win total. And they could be 5-0, if the home plate umpire hadn't wanted to get home to watch Letterman the other night. The starting pitching has continued to be great, John Buck has continued to be Samson, and even Paul Phillips, Ryan Shealy and Angel Berroa have contributed to the offense this week. That's why the Royals are having THE BEST WEEK EVER.

So after a series win on the road in Oakland, what do the Royals do for an encore? They head to Denver to face the Colorado Rockies in the less dramatic of their two 1-70 series. But who are the Rockies? Well, if you'll recall, the Kansas City Scouts became the Colorado Rockies in 1976, and then in 1982 they moved onto New Jersey and became the Devils. In 1995, the people of Denver proved themselves to be the least creative people in the world when they named their new baseball team the Colorado Rockies. Scratch that, those jackasses in St. Louis that had two Cardinals franchises at once were the least creative people in the world. But we, as Royals fans, have quite a bit in common with the Rockies and should be the best of friends.

We have a lot in common. There's the obvious phonetic similarities in the team names, sure, but there's also these characters that we've both had to watch suck day in and day out over the years: Buddy Bell, Neifi Perez, Jeremy Affeldt, Denny Bautista, Scott Dohmann, Chris Stynes, Bryan Rekar, Curtis Leskanic, Eli Marrero, Alexis Gomez, Miguel Asencio, Sal Fasano, Scott Service, Desi Relaford, Scott Elarton, Nate Field, Brian Lawrence, Bobby Keppel, Kit Pellow, Mac Suzuki, Jay Witasick and that's just off the top of my head. You could field an entire team of players that have been cast off by both the Royals and the Rockies.

But do we really want to be friends with Rockies fans? So both teams suck, is that enough for us to be cool with each other? Probably. Especially since they hardly ever play each other. But when they do, that's when the friendship should end. And that means, for this weekend, we need to hate the Rockies.
How do we muster up the emotions we need to hate this team?

Well, that's where I come in.

Six reasons to hate the Rockies:

1) They are named after mountains for goodness sakes. But I don't think of the Rocky Mountains when I hear the name (which is strange, because I live in the Rocky Mountains). No, I think of these other Rockies instead:

Perhaps if Richmond, VA, gets a team and they name them the Appalachians, we'll get some symmetry going, but until then, there will always be other Rockies that are more popular than the baseball team.

2) One of their team colors is purple. They don't go crazy with it like the Wildcats or Jazz or Vikings unis, which actually are kind of cool. Nope, instead they use just enough purple to fruit up their traditional pinstripe uniforms and completely ruin them. A little purple is only cool when it's on your face:

3) They have maybe the lamest mascot ever:

His name is Dinger. And yes, those are polka dots.

He looks like a reject from Barney.

4) They play in the same city as the Broncos.

5) Coors Light is the worst, most flavorless beer ever made. On top of that, you can get drunker off one bottle of rubbing alcohol than a 30-Pack of Coors Light.

And last but not least....

6) That John Denver's full of shit, man.

Go Royals! You're the Best!

May 14, 2007

He's Baaaaaaaaaack!

Desperate times call for desperate measures.

The team thrashed the White Sox yesterday, but their record remains a laughable 12-26.

With Ross Gload headed for the DL, Dayton Moore had to make a tough decision.

Which player in Omaha could come up and make an immediate impact?

Perhaps turn the entire season around?

Which guy is a proven winner, a gamer, a tough as nails, faster than lightning, rockstar ballplayer?

Well, the choice was obvious:

Here he comes to save the day!

Angel Berroa is on his way!

Yes sir, when there is a wrong to right

Angel Berroa will join the fight!

On the sea or on the land

He gets the situation well in hand!

Ugh, who am I kidding...

Go Royals! You’re the Best!

May 10, 2007

Esteban German - the hitting = Alex Gordon


We can't be as bad as last year, we won't be as bad as last year, and we can't be as bad as last year.

The Royals beat the Athletics at Kauffman for the seventh time in thirty-five games since 2000.

Now THAT is something to celebrate.

Here is the play of the game.

Courtesy of Future Rookie of the Year/Gold Glover/Batting Title Champ/Triple Crown Winner/Hall of Famer/MVP/Home Run Champ/Cy Young Win--- uh, scratch that last one... and probably the first one and, well, maybe all of that (prove me wrong, AG, prove me wrong).

Anywho, here's Alex "The Future ___________" Gordon with the play of the game:

'Round these parts, we call that a "Germanic Web Gem."

Kudos to you, Gordon.


Be grateful I didn't make a joke about Alex taking balls to the face.

(I know I'm grateful for that.)

Go Royals! You're the Best!

May 9, 2007

Déjà Vu. The bad kind.


Remember last year when the Royals were on pace to be one of the worst teams ever?

Remember how bad they were? And how sickening it was to try and watch their games by early May? And remember how Allard Baird was fired and Dayton Moore was hired and all of a sudden the team was going to be awesome?

And remember how last year, on May 12, their record was 10-23?

And remember how five minutes ago, when you checked tonight's box score, you saw that their record is now 10-23?

They beat last year's team in futility by four days?


We can assume this year's team won't go on the same streak they did last year when they reached this record (they lost the next 12 straight).


Surely not this year?

Hell if I know.

Meche is starting tomorrow and the Athletics have an anemic offense. Then again, De La Rosa had an 0.68 ERA at home before going only four and a third innings tonight.

And it's not just the fact that KC is losing this year.

It's who they are losing to. (They were clobbered by Detroit on Sunday. That game's stars? Chad Durbin and Neifi Perez.)

It's how they are losing. (Two, maybe three clutch hits all season with runners in scoring position and more than one out.)

It's why they are losing. (They are just plain bad at this whole baseball thing.)

How do Royals fans cope with this sort of thing year in and year out?

We pull a Hasselhoff.

Actually, I have to be honest.

Even the drinking isn't helping this year.

I claimed I haven't blogged much because I've been busy, but to be honest, it has a lot more to do with this team. It hasn't inspired much in the way of humorous observations for me. I feel beaten down. I feel worn out. I feel pissed off.

How do we fix this?

How do we fix the team?

How do we fix me?

I think there are very few things that would cheer me up.

Here's what I have so far:

1) Fire Buddy Bell.
and 2) ...

Uh, I guess that's the main thing.

Sure, there are other, probably better ways to improve the team. But come on, why even pretend Bell is working as a manager at this point? He doesn't even look like he wants to be here.

Now I know, this may not help the Royals that much.

But I think it will help me.

And that's gotta be worth something, right?

Screw it. If Buddy isn't fired soon, I'll just crank out some Emil Brown movie reviews and link to more Royals' MySpace pages.

Go Royals! You're the Best!

April 28, 2007

TWIRB: This Week In Royals Baseball

It's now time to recap the past week of Royals baseball. But here at Royales with Cheese, we don't talk about how the actual games went (the wounds are too fresh). Instead, we talk about the unimportant stuff. Here are the top stories, in no particular order:

Torii, Tory, Torry

Poor Torii Hunter is in trouble again. In the last week, he has been in hot water for talking shit on baseball's tribute to Jackie Robinson and for sending four bottles of champagne to Mike Sweeney. On Thursday, Zach Greinke hit Hunter in the face with a wild pitch, creating this latest situation. No, Hunter didn't charge the mound (though he thought about it). He's actually being sued by Universal Pictures and the estate of H.G. Wells for copyright infringement of their classic Invisible Man character:

Bagels Bagged By Boffo Business

Panera Bread has pulled out of their Baker's Dozen of Bagels promotion. If the Royals collected 13 hits and won at Kauffman Stadium, all ticket holders were entitled to a baker's dozen of bagels. Well, the Royals accomplished this feat on April 20th, and Panera found themselves unable to deliver the goods. The timing couldn't have been worse, as the restaurant's inventory had already been diminished by roving gangs of stoners earlier in the day.

Mike Sweeney Homers for Sick Boy

The headline says it all. On Wednesday, Sweeney promised a boy about to undergo an operation for a brain aneurysm that he would homer off of Sidney "King Hippo" Ponson. And he delivered. No real joke to make here.

Though one has to wonder, if he can hit a homer for a sick boy, why can't he homer more often for a sick team?

Yeah, that was probably uncalled for.

Oh well.

Go Royals! You're the Best!

April 25, 2007

Mmmmm, Cow Tail.

I know, I know, I have gotten off to a truly horrible start this season when it comes to blogging. But to be fair, I've been writing/re-writing/defending my thesis and I just haven't had any time.

That all ends now. I am officially done with grad school after this weekend and I can put my full attention where it belongs: Royals baseball.

I've missed so many opportunities for hilarious posts. So allow me to completely misuse the entire purpose of the internet by posting old news as if it were really happening now!

Royals Reliever Joel Peralta was hospitalized for two days with a stomach virus. No, it wasn't the flu. JP admitted it was food poisoning from eating a cow's tail.

I can't blame him. Worst. Candy. Ever.


You mean he ate a real cow's tail?


One of these?


But I have a theory on why Joel Peralta ate something that is essentially a fly swatter ass attachment.

Brace yourselves...

It's a sex thing. You know, like bathing in koala piss or snorting ground-up rhino horn.

You know how I know?

His Myspace Page.

Go ahead. Click on the link. You can come back and read the rest of this after you've looked at all of his animated gifs of stick figures screwing.

Go on.


You're back?


So I'll go ahead and state the obvious: dude is obsessed with diddling. Which can mean only one thing: dude probably doesn't get much diddling.

Which can only add to his stress since he's in the Royals bullpen.

What can he do? Hell, eating a cow's tail has to be easier than telling the ladies he plays for the Royals.

That come-on line hasn't been a valid aphrodisiac since the mid-80's. You know, when George Brett was dining on his own cow tail:

Where have you gone Morganna, the Kissing Bandit? A nation turns its lonely eyes to you. (Woo woo woo.)

Go Royals! You're the Best!

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