April 23, 2008

It's getting ugly out there.

Listen, I'm as excited as anybody about the upgrades being made to Kauffman Stadium. I got to see some of the changes firsthand when I went to the Royals-Twins snoozefest a couple Saturdays ago.

I endured insanely constant gusts of wind in my face. I endured freezing rain. I endured tiny concourses. I endured Boulevard Pale Ales at $6.25 a pop. I endured two anemic offenses. I endured the Royals choosing to wear white pants with powder blue jerseys.

But I gotta say (as if the constant stream of bitching above didn't tip you off), this was not my best experience out at the K. Probably not in the top, oh, fifty. And that includes a five-hour 14-inning game a few years ago where I got so sunburned I pissed ultraviolet rays for the next two months.

No, this wasn't as good as that.

It wasn't that I didn't get a powder-blue jersey. I did. And I've even vomited while wearing it already, so there's no way it's going on ebay.

And it wasn't the aforementioned weather or lack of offense or even the bizarre uniform decisions by the Royals (seriously, the only thing worse than white pants would be if they had chosen the Chiefs' red pants).

And it wasn't even that Sluggerrr shook his head when I asked him politely for a hug. Though, I wouldn't mind if Rudyard Kipling showed up with an elephant gun and blasted his ass back to Narnia. I know I'm mixing literary references, and I don't care.

Anyway, it wasn't any of those things.

What was it, you ask?

It was those damn hills of dirt just past the outfield.

Look at that.

Why don't they do something about that?

It's fugly as hell.

It looks like James Earl Jones and a vicious junk-yard dog live back there.

It looks like where they shot Ishtar.

It looks...

It looks...

It looks like shit.

There, I said it.

It looks terrible.

And we're all just ignoring it.

Like it isn't there.

But it is.

It's right there!

So, solutions.

I'm an ideas man. I've got big ideas. Like Willie Nelson's reggae album. That one was mine. Also, the war in Iraq. I know, I know. Hindsight is 20/20. Uh, also, and hell, I know you'll never forgive me for this one; it was me who convinced Dayton Moore to sign Hideo Nomo. Honestly, I've had that "Nomo as Juno" gag ready since last summer, and the guy owed me. I'm not proud of it, and I'm just glad it's over with.

Anyway, three big ideas for the dirt piles out there:

1) Screw this Garth Brooks crap in the sixth inning. Let's embrace some real country music. I'm talking about the surviving members (member?) of Nitty Gritty Dirt Band putting on a concert every game.

They'll play all the classics!

Mr. Bojangles!

Honky Tonk Blues!


Mr. Bojangles!!


2) Courtney Cox stands out there telling hackneyed jokes about Paris Hilton and Britney Spears! Hey, more people will see it than the idiots who tune into FX for anything other than It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia or reruns of King of the Hill.

and finally....

3) Six words: Ironman Ivan Stewart's Super Off Road!

Go Royals! 151-11! You're the Best!

April 16, 2008

Moldy Peaches

So what if he hadn't pitched since 2005?

So what if he's 39 years old?

So what if he had career-ending elbow surgery in 2006?

Dayton Moore stockpiles pitchers like I hide liquor around the house. Old, new, good, bad? It doesn't matter; the more booze, uh, I mean pitching, the better.

And Moore came right out and admitted it back in Spring Training. Nomo is here to help Yasuhiko Yabuta get acclimated to the majors.

I guess Pedro Cerrano wasn't available to help. Those All-State commercials probably pay better.

In any case, the experiment and wasted roster spot need to be forgotten.

His line so far: 4 IP, 13.50 ERA, 2.75 WHIP, 6 Runs, 7 Hits, 4 BB, and a .389 BAA.

That is bad.

Lima Time bad.

Darrel May bad.

Odalis Perez bad.

Chris Haney bad.

Allen McDill bad.

Jason Jacome bad.

Brad Rigby bad.

Runelvys Hern-- well, you probably get the idea.

The Royals have had more bad pitching than good pitching in recent years. Much more bad pitching than good. The ratio is astronomical, in fact.

I guess we can give Dayton a pass on this one, just maybe, since the staff has improved so much over the past couple of seasons. Hello legitimate Cy Young candidates Zack Greinke and Brian Bannister!

And I guess Allard Baird wouldn't have even gotten a "name" guy like Hideo Nomo. Though I wouldn't have minded seeing Mac Suzuki in a powder blue jersey and I'd be willing to bet he could manage a sub-10.00 ERA.

But the point is, the Royals are looking competitive this year, and there really is no reason to employ a guy like Nomo.

Sorry Nomo, but I'm hoping this whole ordeal ends with Moore acquiring "Anyone Else But You."

Go Royals! 156-6! You're the Best!

April 3, 2008

Pffft Tigers! 0-162! You're The Worst!

Hallelujah, Holy Shit!

Kansas City, the team nobody picked to win even one game this year, has managed the unthinkable: a three-game sweep to start the season against the team everyone picked to win the division, and at that team's home stadium in front of 110,000 fans, no less.

If the season were to end now, we'd have a Royals-Nationals World Series and, I imagine, a thrilling seven-game epic.

It wouldn't matter which team won; the real winners would be the fans.

Someone pinch me, I think I'm tripping too hard.

It's like a dream.

Or a fantasy.

Or a fantasia?

No, it actually is more like I'm tripping. 

Tripping balls.

Just look at that menacing broom. And that poor, poor tiger. He's a cute little guy.

Too bad he was jackslapped repeatedly in the first four days of the season.

Too, too bad.


Bring on the Twins!

And some more of these delicious mushrooms!

Go Royals! 162-0! You're the Best!

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