May 29, 2008

If They Mutated...


It has been nine days since the last Royales with Cheese post. The Royals have not won in that span.

They made it ten straight losses last night by blowing a five-run lead in the ninth inning.

As if I need to tell you.

So let's talk about something else, shall we?

How about last night's Omaha Royals game?

They didn't lose.

They also didn't play the whole game.

There was an ACID LEAK around Rosenblatt Stadium.

ACID.

LEAKING.

FROM A RAIL CAR.

After the fourth inning, they evacuated the stadium.

EVACUATED THE STADIUM.

BECAUSE OF ACID.

And they had to postpone the game.

Also, nearby homes and businesses had to be evacuated. That includes the Zoo.

BECAUSE THERE WAS AN ACID LEAK.

The car held 100 gallons of Hydrochloric acid. The leak area covered a stretch seventy-five feet long and ten feet wide.

I have to say, I am disgusted by this. To think that you would have all this acid leaking that close to homes and baseball games and the zoo. And nobody did the sensible thing when it happened.

You know, nobody went for a swim.

IN THE ACID.

Which is stupid, because if movies and comic books and Timothy Leary have taught me anything, it's that acid can do wonderful things to you.

EXAMPLE #1: Two-Face
EXAMPLE #2: Darkman
EXAMPLE #3: The Joker
EXAMPLE #4: Those hippie bikers in Easy Rider (before the rednecks off them, of course)

This was the opportunity of a lifetime. You've got some minor league ballplayers and you've got some zoo animals and you've got a shitload of acid; why in the hell wouldn't you try to do something with that?

Animorph those bastards and get them up here in the big leagues.

The show.

No, the FREAK SHOW.

Even if they still suck, at least there are some freaks to look at.

Just imagine the possibilities.

It seems rather obvious that Brandon Duckworth would be mixed with a duck to become an anthropomorphic duck. And I'm not very creative, so let's go ahead and do that.



Brandon Duckworth + A Duck =





As a bonus, he could pull down some extra bucks as the new AFLAC spokesman.

Angel Berroa became a millionaire being the worst ballplayer on the worst team. He's a punchline to a joke, now.

Let's do him a favor, shall we?

Let's hook his ass up with a whooping crane.

These birds have enormous wings and, well, they have enormous wings. I bet he'd be able to get to a few more high choppers with those bad boys. Probably wouldn't help him with his hitting any, but I'm having problems coming up with an animal that would help Angel with that aspect of his game...

So let's see it.



Angel Berroa + A Whooping Crane =



In any case, he'd make a strong case for a new Touched By An Angel TV movie. It would be a comeback for Della Reese and that Irish chick with the stupid bangs, too.

Roberto Giron has been piss poor out of Omaha's bullpen this year. As a 32-year-old minor league reliever, there isn't much hope for him contributing to a big league club. So we might as well turn him into a giraffe. Give the kids something to ride between innings, am I right?

Here we go.



Roberto Giron + A Giraffe =



Not bad at all.

Dave Matranga is a sad story. He's been in baseball for nearly ten years. He posted good numbers in the Astros minor league system and homered in his major league debut for that team in 2003, but he was back in Double A in 2004. He spent 2005 in the minors too, apart from a lone appearance as a defensive replacement for the Angels. And now, he finds himself in the Royals organization. Sad, right?

Well, being drenched in acid should help raise his spirits!


Dave Matranga + An Orangutan =




Yeah, he actually looked like a hairless orangutan even before the mutation. I say we got ourselves a new nickname: The Matrangutan!

The jokes write themselves...

The Matrangutan's batting music is "Monkey Man" by the Rolling Stones.

The Matrangutan's favorite movie is Dunston Checks In.

The Matrangutan's dream of being a ballplayer has been all for naught, but don't tell him or he'll fling his poop at you.

And so on.

Alright, I'm tired of doing set-ups. You know this next guy anyway.


Ryan Shealy + A Seal =



Ugh, what a hideous freak!

Go Royals! You're The Best! 


May 20, 2008

No Shit

Something must be done.

We, as Royals fans, need to make sure this isn't the high point of Jon Lester's career.

He's a great story. I could tell you all about his life up until this point, but I'm sure ESPN won't shut the hell up about this kid, well, for the rest of the season, at least. I won't bother you with his story when we will all have every detail memorized after the 6, 7, 8, 9, 10 and 11 o'clock Sportscenters today, not to mention shout outs from that ugly guy on that one show and that douchebag on that other show. Fill in the blanks with your most-hated ESPN personalities. I don't have time to single any of them out right now. And how likely is it this game moves into rotation on ESPN Classic so we can experience it over and over? It's probably already been scheduled to re-air this week.

Don't forget the reports from the non-sports entities. It's just too good of a story. Get ready to be mocked openly in national newspapers and magazines and late-night talk shows. If you thought the disrespect was hard to stomach before, holy hell, you're in for it now.

Mercifully, we might stop hearing about this near the end of summer, when we enter the Great Depression II: Electric Boogaloo and the U.S. begins to eerily follow the plot of The Road Warrior, complete with feral children and high speed pursuits with Mel Gibson. We can only hope for such a diversion.

But you know what will be even worse than the humiliation of last night's game?

If that was Jon Lester's high point. No matter how annoying the coverage and jokes and everything else will be, we must now root for Jon Lester even more. He must be the next great pitcher. Now, I'm not saying you or I or anyone in this country that knows who he is wasn't already rooting for him. You put that C on your jersey and even people who hate the Red Sox are going to fall over themselves with respect and admiration for you. And he deserves it. No doubt.

But if he fades into obscurity after this, and it is not uncommon for no-hit pitchers to one day be no-fame pitchers, we're boned.

Because, inevitably, no matter how the rest of his career pans out, we will see a movie about this guy. I mean, there was a damn movie about that guy who pitched for the Devil Rays, and he was just old! You swap out old guy for cancer, and you not only get the baseball fans but the Beaches fans as well, and that's a recipe for Hollywood success.

We want him to be great because we don't want this no-hitter to be the climax of the film. We don't want there to be all this buildup, this great story, this Brian's Song with a happy ending, to lead to a nice long bit showing him winning the World Series (a team triumph) and then a 30-45 minute finale of Lester shaming the Royals (a personal triumph). Roll credits, play "Solsbury Hill" by the Peter Gabriel, thunderous applause from the audience.

But if he goes on to have a great career, and I'm thinking along the lines of Nolan Ryan or Sandy Koufax or Mordecai "Three Finger" Brown, then this game will be nothing more than a two or three minute montage to the strains of some derivative John Williams score or even worse, "Sweet Caroline" by Neil Diamond. Maybe Scoresese will tackle another bio-pic; if so, expect liberal use of "Gimme Shelter" and "Shipping Up To Boston."

Let's get back to the point. We can't just root for this guy as people any more. We have to root for him as Royals fans as well. We want him to be a great pitcher, or the greatest pitcher, from this point on.

Just think, if he throws a few no-hitters, maybe strikes out twenty in a game at some point, wins three or four more World Series, then last night might only garner 15 or 30 seconds of a montage in the film! Or it could get left out entirely! Maybe the prop department thinks A's uniforms look better on film? Oh dear God, please let the prop department think A's uniforms look better on film! And then we're in the clear!



I know this is maybe the most selfish post I've ever written, but I don't care. If Lester shits the bed and never does anything else, Royals fans will be enduring this game over and over forever. It won't just be a blip in the team's magical 2008 pennant run. It will be something we'll have to be publicly shamed by, like Padres fans with The Kid From Left Field, or John Goodman with Babe, or Cubs fans with, uh, the Cubs.

Go Jon Lester! You're the Best! 
 
 
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