May 29, 2008

If They Mutated...


It has been nine days since the last Royales with Cheese post. The Royals have not won in that span.

They made it ten straight losses last night by blowing a five-run lead in the ninth inning.

As if I need to tell you.

So let's talk about something else, shall we?

How about last night's Omaha Royals game?

They didn't lose.

They also didn't play the whole game.

There was an ACID LEAK around Rosenblatt Stadium.

ACID.

LEAKING.

FROM A RAIL CAR.

After the fourth inning, they evacuated the stadium.

EVACUATED THE STADIUM.

BECAUSE OF ACID.

And they had to postpone the game.

Also, nearby homes and businesses had to be evacuated. That includes the Zoo.

BECAUSE THERE WAS AN ACID LEAK.

The car held 100 gallons of Hydrochloric acid. The leak area covered a stretch seventy-five feet long and ten feet wide.

I have to say, I am disgusted by this. To think that you would have all this acid leaking that close to homes and baseball games and the zoo. And nobody did the sensible thing when it happened.

You know, nobody went for a swim.

IN THE ACID.

Which is stupid, because if movies and comic books and Timothy Leary have taught me anything, it's that acid can do wonderful things to you.

EXAMPLE #1: Two-Face
EXAMPLE #2: Darkman
EXAMPLE #3: The Joker
EXAMPLE #4: Those hippie bikers in Easy Rider (before the rednecks off them, of course)

This was the opportunity of a lifetime. You've got some minor league ballplayers and you've got some zoo animals and you've got a shitload of acid; why in the hell wouldn't you try to do something with that?

Animorph those bastards and get them up here in the big leagues.

The show.

No, the FREAK SHOW.

Even if they still suck, at least there are some freaks to look at.

Just imagine the possibilities.

It seems rather obvious that Brandon Duckworth would be mixed with a duck to become an anthropomorphic duck. And I'm not very creative, so let's go ahead and do that.



Brandon Duckworth + A Duck =





As a bonus, he could pull down some extra bucks as the new AFLAC spokesman.

Angel Berroa became a millionaire being the worst ballplayer on the worst team. He's a punchline to a joke, now.

Let's do him a favor, shall we?

Let's hook his ass up with a whooping crane.

These birds have enormous wings and, well, they have enormous wings. I bet he'd be able to get to a few more high choppers with those bad boys. Probably wouldn't help him with his hitting any, but I'm having problems coming up with an animal that would help Angel with that aspect of his game...

So let's see it.



Angel Berroa + A Whooping Crane =



In any case, he'd make a strong case for a new Touched By An Angel TV movie. It would be a comeback for Della Reese and that Irish chick with the stupid bangs, too.

Roberto Giron has been piss poor out of Omaha's bullpen this year. As a 32-year-old minor league reliever, there isn't much hope for him contributing to a big league club. So we might as well turn him into a giraffe. Give the kids something to ride between innings, am I right?

Here we go.



Roberto Giron + A Giraffe =



Not bad at all.

Dave Matranga is a sad story. He's been in baseball for nearly ten years. He posted good numbers in the Astros minor league system and homered in his major league debut for that team in 2003, but he was back in Double A in 2004. He spent 2005 in the minors too, apart from a lone appearance as a defensive replacement for the Angels. And now, he finds himself in the Royals organization. Sad, right?

Well, being drenched in acid should help raise his spirits!


Dave Matranga + An Orangutan =




Yeah, he actually looked like a hairless orangutan even before the mutation. I say we got ourselves a new nickname: The Matrangutan!

The jokes write themselves...

The Matrangutan's batting music is "Monkey Man" by the Rolling Stones.

The Matrangutan's favorite movie is Dunston Checks In.

The Matrangutan's dream of being a ballplayer has been all for naught, but don't tell him or he'll fling his poop at you.

And so on.

Alright, I'm tired of doing set-ups. You know this next guy anyway.


Ryan Shealy + A Seal =



Ugh, what a hideous freak!

Go Royals! You're The Best! 


8 comments:

  1. Anonymous1:03 PM

    Would The Matrangutan's favorite movie be Ed, a delightful comedy starring Matt LaBlanc and a baseball playing monkey?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. That sounds familiar, but you must have had the director's cut or some really good weed. The version of Ed I saw was neither delightful, nor a comedy.

      Delete
  2. Anonymous10:36 AM

    Any horrible unfunny comedy can be turned into Back to School level hilarity with a fist full of shrooms.

    ReplyDelete
  3. I always wanted a Berroa jersey with the number as E6, but fucking mlb.com would never do it for me. I'm being shit on, that's all. Shit on!

    ReplyDelete
  4. NEW POST!! Something about Johnny Damon's noodle arm to mak me feel better about today's loss, please.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Anonymous3:02 AM

    Yes, troy, I came here to read about the 12-11 loss to the Yankees. Please your readership, blog guy.

    KiP

    ReplyDelete
  6. This is more of a test to see if my openid works. I like yer pictures ;D

    ReplyDelete
  7. I-70 Series in Glorious 8-Bit Color. Yes, you know what I'm talking about. The best feature on Royales With Cheese. Disappointingly, yet understandably absent this week. There's still another series at the K. I want updated rosters, authentic in-game glitches, and another Royals sweep! Get it done.

    ReplyDelete

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