May 20, 2008

No Shit

Something must be done.

We, as Royals fans, need to make sure this isn't the high point of Jon Lester's career.

He's a great story. I could tell you all about his life up until this point, but I'm sure ESPN won't shut the hell up about this kid, well, for the rest of the season, at least. I won't bother you with his story when we will all have every detail memorized after the 6, 7, 8, 9, 10 and 11 o'clock Sportscenters today, not to mention shout outs from that ugly guy on that one show and that douchebag on that other show. Fill in the blanks with your most-hated ESPN personalities. I don't have time to single any of them out right now. And how likely is it this game moves into rotation on ESPN Classic so we can experience it over and over? It's probably already been scheduled to re-air this week.

Don't forget the reports from the non-sports entities. It's just too good of a story. Get ready to be mocked openly in national newspapers and magazines and late-night talk shows. If you thought the disrespect was hard to stomach before, holy hell, you're in for it now.

Mercifully, we might stop hearing about this near the end of summer, when we enter the Great Depression II: Electric Boogaloo and the U.S. begins to eerily follow the plot of The Road Warrior, complete with feral children and high speed pursuits with Mel Gibson. We can only hope for such a diversion.

But you know what will be even worse than the humiliation of last night's game?

If that was Jon Lester's high point. No matter how annoying the coverage and jokes and everything else will be, we must now root for Jon Lester even more. He must be the next great pitcher. Now, I'm not saying you or I or anyone in this country that knows who he is wasn't already rooting for him. You put that C on your jersey and even people who hate the Red Sox are going to fall over themselves with respect and admiration for you. And he deserves it. No doubt.

But if he fades into obscurity after this, and it is not uncommon for no-hit pitchers to one day be no-fame pitchers, we're boned.

Because, inevitably, no matter how the rest of his career pans out, we will see a movie about this guy. I mean, there was a damn movie about that guy who pitched for the Devil Rays, and he was just old! You swap out old guy for cancer, and you not only get the baseball fans but the Beaches fans as well, and that's a recipe for Hollywood success.

We want him to be great because we don't want this no-hitter to be the climax of the film. We don't want there to be all this buildup, this great story, this Brian's Song with a happy ending, to lead to a nice long bit showing him winning the World Series (a team triumph) and then a 30-45 minute finale of Lester shaming the Royals (a personal triumph). Roll credits, play "Solsbury Hill" by the Peter Gabriel, thunderous applause from the audience.

But if he goes on to have a great career, and I'm thinking along the lines of Nolan Ryan or Sandy Koufax or Mordecai "Three Finger" Brown, then this game will be nothing more than a two or three minute montage to the strains of some derivative John Williams score or even worse, "Sweet Caroline" by Neil Diamond. Maybe Scoresese will tackle another bio-pic; if so, expect liberal use of "Gimme Shelter" and "Shipping Up To Boston."

Let's get back to the point. We can't just root for this guy as people any more. We have to root for him as Royals fans as well. We want him to be a great pitcher, or the greatest pitcher, from this point on.

Just think, if he throws a few no-hitters, maybe strikes out twenty in a game at some point, wins three or four more World Series, then last night might only garner 15 or 30 seconds of a montage in the film! Or it could get left out entirely! Maybe the prop department thinks A's uniforms look better on film? Oh dear God, please let the prop department think A's uniforms look better on film! And then we're in the clear!

I know this is maybe the most selfish post I've ever written, but I don't care. If Lester shits the bed and never does anything else, Royals fans will be enduring this game over and over forever. It won't just be a blip in the team's magical 2008 pennant run. It will be something we'll have to be publicly shamed by, like Padres fans with The Kid From Left Field, or John Goodman with Babe, or Cubs fans with, uh, the Cubs.

Go Jon Lester! You're the Best! 

1 comment:

  1. ButterBalls10:51 AM

    Hahahahahaha. Way to bounce back after getting no-hitted! Four game sweep! 2 grand slamms in one game! Hahahahahaha. Faggots!!!!! Hahahahahahaha. Red Sox rule! Royals drule!


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