May 8, 2008

The Flim Flam Film Fan Man

Our first Emil Brown post this week received the following comment from Anonymous:

"Does that mean that after this week, we have to wait a whole year to make fun of Emil Brown again?"

Absolutely not, Anonymous.

In fact, our First Annual Emil Brown Week may even last two weeks. Or four. Or the rest of the summer.

That, of course, would be in keeping with the way Emil keeps track of time (he's faster than Joey Gathright! he didn't have any sort of career until he was 30--and he isn't a doctor!).

Hell, I might just change the name of this blog and do it forever.

The point is, the well will never run dry.

And there's no well deeper than Emil's inability to write movie reviews.

In fact (surprise, surprise), we managed to find some.

And by some, I mean seven.

We found seven movie reviews.

So here goes!

The Crash (2004)

I love this movie because everyone is racist! There are white cops and they are racist and this person hates Mexicans in it too and the actors are people like the guy from The Bedazzled and the girl from The Speed. This movie is so good because it has Ludacris and Tony Danza in it! I didn't get the movie until I came to Oakland but California is like Hell out here with all these people who hate each other so I get the point of it all now and I like it even more now because Oakland is even worse than the LA in this movie! This movie should have been here! There was another movie called The Crash that was real good where lesbians have sex on a car and I think there was another one called The Crash with The Clueless chick being crazy and stalking the guy from The Robbing Hood The Prince of Tights and it was awesome too. Why so many The Crashes? Come on Hollywood!

The Superbad (2007)

Oh my god, The Superbad was Superbadass! There was this part where the kid is McLoving and then a part where the cops are shotting signs and they cockblock McLoving even though the girl can't feel him inside of her! I was like, oh no, this is some funny shit in this one. It is like The American Pie but more good because it has more crazy stuff in it and they say the F word so much and the one kid draws these penises! It was messed up! I loved it.

The Donnie Darko (2001)

The Donnie Darko blew my mind! He gets hit by a jet engine to keep a rabbit from killing his girlfriend on a beer run! WTF! I watch this over and over and make people watch it even after they tell me how it doesn't make sense but I don't care because I like the part when Patrick Swayze is a pedder file it is in tents and the Sparkle Motion shit is funny and I miss High School so much! There is some stunt casting though because why would Drew Barrymore be a teacher when there is no Adam Sandler in teh movie to whine about likeing her? But this shit is a crazy movie anyway! Four Stars!

The M (1931)

I watched this one because I thought it was going to be a document terrier on my favorite letter. In case your slow I mean the letter M, duh! My favorite words start with M, like mustard and million and muff! But this was a story movie and it was black and white and the sound was weird because it was old, it sounded like there was rain going on all the time but there was no rain going on when I watched it! It is old as hell but the story is this guy who didn't speak English and he gives balloons to kids and kills them or something. Kind of like Stephen King's The It only real stupid instead of awesome! But like I said he doesn't speak English and nobody spoke English in The M so you have to read when you watch this thing too! Come on! So stupid!

I Am The Legand (2007)

Fresh Prince sends out these radio signals and hunts during the day with a dog and he is looking for survivals but then vampires show up at night so you know why he is out at day and not knight. He kills some of them and some survivals do show up. The dog dies and later the showdown happens and he saves everyone and it was cool seeing the deer get attacked in the New York street even though you could tell it was real fake! I say go watch it becuase their is also a good part where DJ Jazzy Jeff talks to these mannecuinnes and I thought he was crazy when he did that! This was a good one and I never new what what was going on in this one!

The Psycho (1960)

If you can find it watch the color one that came out with the guy from The Wedding Crashers and the girl who was a lesbian for a while but isn't on movies any more! This black and white one is okay but the music is loud and nothing happens forever and so that gets boring with no red or blues or greens or anything and the only good part about it is back then they wore those cone bras. I like those cone bras! Not like the Madonna ones but the round pointy ones from the old times. But they only look good when they are under a sweater or whatever because when you just see the girl in that bra she might as well be in straght jacket! But there is a part a real good part about this movie when she is in the shower! She gets stabbed but it is still kind of hot! In the color one the guy beats off! Me too!

The Speed Racer (2008)

I haven't seen this one yet because it's not out yet but when it comes out you can bet I will see it! On the e-surence commercials with the cartoon chick in the black they show some of this movie and in what they show it looks like if I was inside of a pinball machine, flying around with streaks of light going around and it's so good on the TV I bet it's two or three or four times as wild at a movie theater. But it's better then a pinball game even because it is computer made stuff instead of flippers and bells and lights! You now what? It's like inside of a video game with all the graphics that are even better than the real life! It's gonna be good because you don't get to go to a show that feels like a game in a movie even with the movies that are from games, like The Doom and The Super Mario Brothers SuperShow and The Brainscan and The Wheel Of Fortune 2.0 Macintosh Computer Game Movie. I predict this is the best movie base on The Speed Racer Show ever! Plus it has the dad from The Coyote Ugly! Roseanne's husband Dan! And a monkey? I hope so! I'll see you there!

Thanks for reading my reviews! The balcony is close!

Go Royals! You're the Best!

May 5, 2008

It feels like Christmas around here.

There's magic in the air. Do you know why?

This week is our 1ST ANNUAL EMIL BROWN WEEK at Royales With Cheese.

All week (possibly two or three posts!) we will be ridiculing former Royals RBI Leader (and current Oakland A's RBI Leader) Emil Brown.

Congratulations, John Bale! You picked a good week to punch a door.

Our favorite movie reviewer's stock is at an all time high: Dipshits everywhere are dropping David Ortiz from their fantasy teams and picking him up, sportswriters are getting untold mileage out of the headline "What Can Brown Do For You?" and Emil is getting free hummers from the not-so-elegant ladies at Elegant Nubian Escorts.

So let's bring him down a peg or two, shall we?

We'll go easy with this first post, since we know Brown will need someone to help him read this.

Here goes...

Now we all know (and if we didn't already, those sportswriters have made it a point to tell us over and over) that you can't spell EMIL BROWN without RBI.

Sure, you're probably thinking. Clever.

He does have RBI in his name.

How about that?

But you may be disturbed to find out what else lurks within the name of EMIL BROWN.

Shall we explore?


And, the coup de grĂ¢ce:



Go Royals! You're the Best!

April 23, 2008

It's getting ugly out there.

Listen, I'm as excited as anybody about the upgrades being made to Kauffman Stadium. I got to see some of the changes firsthand when I went to the Royals-Twins snoozefest a couple Saturdays ago.

I endured insanely constant gusts of wind in my face. I endured freezing rain. I endured tiny concourses. I endured Boulevard Pale Ales at $6.25 a pop. I endured two anemic offenses. I endured the Royals choosing to wear white pants with powder blue jerseys.

But I gotta say (as if the constant stream of bitching above didn't tip you off), this was not my best experience out at the K. Probably not in the top, oh, fifty. And that includes a five-hour 14-inning game a few years ago where I got so sunburned I pissed ultraviolet rays for the next two months.

No, this wasn't as good as that.

It wasn't that I didn't get a powder-blue jersey. I did. And I've even vomited while wearing it already, so there's no way it's going on ebay.

And it wasn't the aforementioned weather or lack of offense or even the bizarre uniform decisions by the Royals (seriously, the only thing worse than white pants would be if they had chosen the Chiefs' red pants).

And it wasn't even that Sluggerrr shook his head when I asked him politely for a hug. Though, I wouldn't mind if Rudyard Kipling showed up with an elephant gun and blasted his ass back to Narnia. I know I'm mixing literary references, and I don't care.

Anyway, it wasn't any of those things.

What was it, you ask?

It was those damn hills of dirt just past the outfield.

Look at that.

Why don't they do something about that?

It's fugly as hell.

It looks like James Earl Jones and a vicious junk-yard dog live back there.

It looks like where they shot Ishtar.

It looks...

It looks...

It looks like shit.

There, I said it.

It looks terrible.

And we're all just ignoring it.

Like it isn't there.

But it is.

It's right there!

So, solutions.

I'm an ideas man. I've got big ideas. Like Willie Nelson's reggae album. That one was mine. Also, the war in Iraq. I know, I know. Hindsight is 20/20. Uh, also, and hell, I know you'll never forgive me for this one; it was me who convinced Dayton Moore to sign Hideo Nomo. Honestly, I've had that "Nomo as Juno" gag ready since last summer, and the guy owed me. I'm not proud of it, and I'm just glad it's over with.

Anyway, three big ideas for the dirt piles out there:

1) Screw this Garth Brooks crap in the sixth inning. Let's embrace some real country music. I'm talking about the surviving members (member?) of Nitty Gritty Dirt Band putting on a concert every game.

They'll play all the classics!

Mr. Bojangles!

Honky Tonk Blues!


Mr. Bojangles!!


2) Courtney Cox stands out there telling hackneyed jokes about Paris Hilton and Britney Spears! Hey, more people will see it than the idiots who tune into FX for anything other than It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia or reruns of King of the Hill.

and finally....

3) Six words: Ironman Ivan Stewart's Super Off Road!

Go Royals! 151-11! You're the Best!

April 16, 2008

Moldy Peaches

So what if he hadn't pitched since 2005?

So what if he's 39 years old?

So what if he had career-ending elbow surgery in 2006?

Dayton Moore stockpiles pitchers like I hide liquor around the house. Old, new, good, bad? It doesn't matter; the more booze, uh, I mean pitching, the better.

And Moore came right out and admitted it back in Spring Training. Nomo is here to help Yasuhiko Yabuta get acclimated to the majors.

I guess Pedro Cerrano wasn't available to help. Those All-State commercials probably pay better.

In any case, the experiment and wasted roster spot need to be forgotten.

His line so far: 4 IP, 13.50 ERA, 2.75 WHIP, 6 Runs, 7 Hits, 4 BB, and a .389 BAA.

That is bad.

Lima Time bad.

Darrel May bad.

Odalis Perez bad.

Chris Haney bad.

Allen McDill bad.

Jason Jacome bad.

Brad Rigby bad.

Runelvys Hern-- well, you probably get the idea.

The Royals have had more bad pitching than good pitching in recent years. Much more bad pitching than good. The ratio is astronomical, in fact.

I guess we can give Dayton a pass on this one, just maybe, since the staff has improved so much over the past couple of seasons. Hello legitimate Cy Young candidates Zack Greinke and Brian Bannister!

And I guess Allard Baird wouldn't have even gotten a "name" guy like Hideo Nomo. Though I wouldn't have minded seeing Mac Suzuki in a powder blue jersey and I'd be willing to bet he could manage a sub-10.00 ERA.

But the point is, the Royals are looking competitive this year, and there really is no reason to employ a guy like Nomo.

Sorry Nomo, but I'm hoping this whole ordeal ends with Moore acquiring "Anyone Else But You."

Go Royals! 156-6! You're the Best!

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