May 29, 2008

If They Mutated...


It has been nine days since the last Royales with Cheese post. The Royals have not won in that span.

They made it ten straight losses last night by blowing a five-run lead in the ninth inning.

As if I need to tell you.

So let's talk about something else, shall we?

How about last night's Omaha Royals game?

They didn't lose.

They also didn't play the whole game.

There was an ACID LEAK around Rosenblatt Stadium.

ACID.

LEAKING.

FROM A RAIL CAR.

After the fourth inning, they evacuated the stadium.

EVACUATED THE STADIUM.

BECAUSE OF ACID.

And they had to postpone the game.

Also, nearby homes and businesses had to be evacuated. That includes the Zoo.

BECAUSE THERE WAS AN ACID LEAK.

The car held 100 gallons of Hydrochloric acid. The leak area covered a stretch seventy-five feet long and ten feet wide.

I have to say, I am disgusted by this. To think that you would have all this acid leaking that close to homes and baseball games and the zoo. And nobody did the sensible thing when it happened.

You know, nobody went for a swim.

IN THE ACID.

Which is stupid, because if movies and comic books and Timothy Leary have taught me anything, it's that acid can do wonderful things to you.

EXAMPLE #1: Two-Face
EXAMPLE #2: Darkman
EXAMPLE #3: The Joker
EXAMPLE #4: Those hippie bikers in Easy Rider (before the rednecks off them, of course)

This was the opportunity of a lifetime. You've got some minor league ballplayers and you've got some zoo animals and you've got a shitload of acid; why in the hell wouldn't you try to do something with that?

Animorph those bastards and get them up here in the big leagues.

The show.

No, the FREAK SHOW.

Even if they still suck, at least there are some freaks to look at.

Just imagine the possibilities.

It seems rather obvious that Brandon Duckworth would be mixed with a duck to become an anthropomorphic duck. And I'm not very creative, so let's go ahead and do that.



Brandon Duckworth + A Duck =





As a bonus, he could pull down some extra bucks as the new AFLAC spokesman.

Angel Berroa became a millionaire being the worst ballplayer on the worst team. He's a punchline to a joke, now.

Let's do him a favor, shall we?

Let's hook his ass up with a whooping crane.

These birds have enormous wings and, well, they have enormous wings. I bet he'd be able to get to a few more high choppers with those bad boys. Probably wouldn't help him with his hitting any, but I'm having problems coming up with an animal that would help Angel with that aspect of his game...

So let's see it.



Angel Berroa + A Whooping Crane =



In any case, he'd make a strong case for a new Touched By An Angel TV movie. It would be a comeback for Della Reese and that Irish chick with the stupid bangs, too.

Roberto Giron has been piss poor out of Omaha's bullpen this year. As a 32-year-old minor league reliever, there isn't much hope for him contributing to a big league club. So we might as well turn him into a giraffe. Give the kids something to ride between innings, am I right?

Here we go.



Roberto Giron + A Giraffe =



Not bad at all.

Dave Matranga is a sad story. He's been in baseball for nearly ten years. He posted good numbers in the Astros minor league system and homered in his major league debut for that team in 2003, but he was back in Double A in 2004. He spent 2005 in the minors too, apart from a lone appearance as a defensive replacement for the Angels. And now, he finds himself in the Royals organization. Sad, right?

Well, being drenched in acid should help raise his spirits!


Dave Matranga + An Orangutan =




Yeah, he actually looked like a hairless orangutan even before the mutation. I say we got ourselves a new nickname: The Matrangutan!

The jokes write themselves...

The Matrangutan's batting music is "Monkey Man" by the Rolling Stones.

The Matrangutan's favorite movie is Dunston Checks In.

The Matrangutan's dream of being a ballplayer has been all for naught, but don't tell him or he'll fling his poop at you.

And so on.

Alright, I'm tired of doing set-ups. You know this next guy anyway.


Ryan Shealy + A Seal =



Ugh, what a hideous freak!

Go Royals! You're The Best! 


May 20, 2008

No Shit

Something must be done.

We, as Royals fans, need to make sure this isn't the high point of Jon Lester's career.

He's a great story. I could tell you all about his life up until this point, but I'm sure ESPN won't shut the hell up about this kid, well, for the rest of the season, at least. I won't bother you with his story when we will all have every detail memorized after the 6, 7, 8, 9, 10 and 11 o'clock Sportscenters today, not to mention shout outs from that ugly guy on that one show and that douchebag on that other show. Fill in the blanks with your most-hated ESPN personalities. I don't have time to single any of them out right now. And how likely is it this game moves into rotation on ESPN Classic so we can experience it over and over? It's probably already been scheduled to re-air this week.

Don't forget the reports from the non-sports entities. It's just too good of a story. Get ready to be mocked openly in national newspapers and magazines and late-night talk shows. If you thought the disrespect was hard to stomach before, holy hell, you're in for it now.

Mercifully, we might stop hearing about this near the end of summer, when we enter the Great Depression II: Electric Boogaloo and the U.S. begins to eerily follow the plot of The Road Warrior, complete with feral children and high speed pursuits with Mel Gibson. We can only hope for such a diversion.

But you know what will be even worse than the humiliation of last night's game?

If that was Jon Lester's high point. No matter how annoying the coverage and jokes and everything else will be, we must now root for Jon Lester even more. He must be the next great pitcher. Now, I'm not saying you or I or anyone in this country that knows who he is wasn't already rooting for him. You put that C on your jersey and even people who hate the Red Sox are going to fall over themselves with respect and admiration for you. And he deserves it. No doubt.

But if he fades into obscurity after this, and it is not uncommon for no-hit pitchers to one day be no-fame pitchers, we're boned.

Because, inevitably, no matter how the rest of his career pans out, we will see a movie about this guy. I mean, there was a damn movie about that guy who pitched for the Devil Rays, and he was just old! You swap out old guy for cancer, and you not only get the baseball fans but the Beaches fans as well, and that's a recipe for Hollywood success.

We want him to be great because we don't want this no-hitter to be the climax of the film. We don't want there to be all this buildup, this great story, this Brian's Song with a happy ending, to lead to a nice long bit showing him winning the World Series (a team triumph) and then a 30-45 minute finale of Lester shaming the Royals (a personal triumph). Roll credits, play "Solsbury Hill" by the Peter Gabriel, thunderous applause from the audience.

But if he goes on to have a great career, and I'm thinking along the lines of Nolan Ryan or Sandy Koufax or Mordecai "Three Finger" Brown, then this game will be nothing more than a two or three minute montage to the strains of some derivative John Williams score or even worse, "Sweet Caroline" by Neil Diamond. Maybe Scoresese will tackle another bio-pic; if so, expect liberal use of "Gimme Shelter" and "Shipping Up To Boston."

Let's get back to the point. We can't just root for this guy as people any more. We have to root for him as Royals fans as well. We want him to be a great pitcher, or the greatest pitcher, from this point on.

Just think, if he throws a few no-hitters, maybe strikes out twenty in a game at some point, wins three or four more World Series, then last night might only garner 15 or 30 seconds of a montage in the film! Or it could get left out entirely! Maybe the prop department thinks A's uniforms look better on film? Oh dear God, please let the prop department think A's uniforms look better on film! And then we're in the clear!



I know this is maybe the most selfish post I've ever written, but I don't care. If Lester shits the bed and never does anything else, Royals fans will be enduring this game over and over forever. It won't just be a blip in the team's magical 2008 pennant run. It will be something we'll have to be publicly shamed by, like Padres fans with The Kid From Left Field, or John Goodman with Babe, or Cubs fans with, uh, the Cubs.

Go Jon Lester! You're the Best! 
 
 

May 8, 2008

The Flim Flam Film Fan Man



Our first Emil Brown post this week received the following comment from Anonymous:

"Does that mean that after this week, we have to wait a whole year to make fun of Emil Brown again?"

Absolutely not, Anonymous.

In fact, our First Annual Emil Brown Week may even last two weeks. Or four. Or the rest of the summer.

That, of course, would be in keeping with the way Emil keeps track of time (he's faster than Joey Gathright! he didn't have any sort of career until he was 30--and he isn't a doctor!).

Hell, I might just change the name of this blog and do it forever.

The point is, the well will never run dry.

And there's no well deeper than Emil's inability to write movie reviews.

In fact (surprise, surprise), we managed to find some.

And by some, I mean seven.

We found seven movie reviews.

So here goes!



The Crash (2004)

I love this movie because everyone is racist! There are white cops and they are racist and this person hates Mexicans in it too and the actors are people like the guy from The Bedazzled and the girl from The Speed. This movie is so good because it has Ludacris and Tony Danza in it! I didn't get the movie until I came to Oakland but California is like Hell out here with all these people who hate each other so I get the point of it all now and I like it even more now because Oakland is even worse than the LA in this movie! This movie should have been here! There was another movie called The Crash that was real good where lesbians have sex on a car and I think there was another one called The Crash with The Clueless chick being crazy and stalking the guy from The Robbing Hood The Prince of Tights and it was awesome too. Why so many The Crashes? Come on Hollywood!


The Superbad (2007)

Oh my god, The Superbad was Superbadass! There was this part where the kid is McLoving and then a part where the cops are shotting signs and they cockblock McLoving even though the girl can't feel him inside of her! I was like, oh no, this is some funny shit in this one. It is like The American Pie but more good because it has more crazy stuff in it and they say the F word so much and the one kid draws these penises! It was messed up! I loved it.


The Donnie Darko (2001)

The Donnie Darko blew my mind! He gets hit by a jet engine to keep a rabbit from killing his girlfriend on a beer run! WTF! I watch this over and over and make people watch it even after they tell me how it doesn't make sense but I don't care because I like the part when Patrick Swayze is a pedder file it is in tents and the Sparkle Motion shit is funny and I miss High School so much! There is some stunt casting though because why would Drew Barrymore be a teacher when there is no Adam Sandler in teh movie to whine about likeing her? But this shit is a crazy movie anyway! Four Stars!


The M (1931)

I watched this one because I thought it was going to be a document terrier on my favorite letter. In case your slow I mean the letter M, duh! My favorite words start with M, like mustard and million and muff! But this was a story movie and it was black and white and the sound was weird because it was old, it sounded like there was rain going on all the time but there was no rain going on when I watched it! It is old as hell but the story is this guy who didn't speak English and he gives balloons to kids and kills them or something. Kind of like Stephen King's The It only real stupid instead of awesome! But like I said he doesn't speak English and nobody spoke English in The M so you have to read when you watch this thing too! Come on! So stupid!


I Am The Legand (2007)

Fresh Prince sends out these radio signals and hunts during the day with a dog and he is looking for survivals but then vampires show up at night so you know why he is out at day and not knight. He kills some of them and some survivals do show up. The dog dies and later the showdown happens and he saves everyone and it was cool seeing the deer get attacked in the New York street even though you could tell it was real fake! I say go watch it becuase their is also a good part where DJ Jazzy Jeff talks to these mannecuinnes and I thought he was crazy when he did that! This was a good one and I never new what what was going on in this one!


The Psycho (1960)

If you can find it watch the color one that came out with the guy from The Wedding Crashers and the girl who was a lesbian for a while but isn't on movies any more! This black and white one is okay but the music is loud and nothing happens forever and so that gets boring with no red or blues or greens or anything and the only good part about it is back then they wore those cone bras. I like those cone bras! Not like the Madonna ones but the round pointy ones from the old times. But they only look good when they are under a sweater or whatever because when you just see the girl in that bra she might as well be in straght jacket! But there is a part a real good part about this movie when she is in the shower! She gets stabbed but it is still kind of hot! In the color one the guy beats off! Me too!


The Speed Racer (2008)

I haven't seen this one yet because it's not out yet but when it comes out you can bet I will see it! On the e-surence commercials with the cartoon chick in the black they show some of this movie and in what they show it looks like if I was inside of a pinball machine, flying around with streaks of light going around and it's so good on the TV I bet it's two or three or four times as wild at a movie theater. But it's better then a pinball game even because it is computer made stuff instead of flippers and bells and lights! You now what? It's like inside of a video game with all the graphics that are even better than the real life! It's gonna be good because you don't get to go to a show that feels like a game in a movie even with the movies that are from games, like The Doom and The Super Mario Brothers SuperShow and The Brainscan and The Wheel Of Fortune 2.0 Macintosh Computer Game Movie. I predict this is the best movie base on The Speed Racer Show ever! Plus it has the dad from The Coyote Ugly! Roseanne's husband Dan! And a monkey? I hope so! I'll see you there!

Thanks for reading my reviews! The balcony is close!

Go Royals! You're the Best!

May 5, 2008

It feels like Christmas around here.


There's magic in the air. Do you know why?

This week is our 1ST ANNUAL EMIL BROWN WEEK at Royales With Cheese.

All week (possibly two or three posts!) we will be ridiculing former Royals RBI Leader (and current Oakland A's RBI Leader) Emil Brown.

Congratulations, John Bale! You picked a good week to punch a door.


Our favorite movie reviewer's stock is at an all time high: Dipshits everywhere are dropping David Ortiz from their fantasy teams and picking him up, sportswriters are getting untold mileage out of the headline "What Can Brown Do For You?" and Emil is getting free hummers from the not-so-elegant ladies at Elegant Nubian Escorts.

So let's bring him down a peg or two, shall we?

We'll go easy with this first post, since we know Brown will need someone to help him read this.

Here goes...

Now we all know (and if we didn't already, those sportswriters have made it a point to tell us over and over) that you can't spell EMIL BROWN without RBI.

Sure, you're probably thinking. Clever.

He does have RBI in his name.

How about that?

But you may be disturbed to find out what else lurks within the name of EMIL BROWN.

Shall we explore?

LONER
OMEN
BONE
WINO
BLEW
WORM
BOIL
LENO
BORE
BELOW
LEMON
ELMO
NORM
LOWER
BRINE
WOMB
MEOW
EMBROIL
BLOW
BONER
BLOWN
LIMBO
MELON
BLOWER
LOIN
BOWEL
BLEW RIM
RIM BLOWN
LIMB OWNER
BROWN MILE
WOMB LINER
BLOW MINER

And, the coup de grĂ¢ce:

BLEW MINOR

Hi-yo!

Go Royals! You're the Best!


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