September 10, 2009

Obligatory Sweep Post

Yeah, I know I posted this at the start of last season (around 300 games ago) but whatever.

This image is too awesome to not re-use---



Sadly, this is the first chance I've had to bust out this sweep image/fodder for Disney's lawyers in a long time.

I actually attended the Royals' previous sweep, against the Reds in KC waaaaaaay back in June.

Unfortunately, I wasn't anywhere near a computer to post this:

Thank God that's been rectified.


That's it.

Probably not worth the wait.

But whatever.

Take that, Karl Marx!

Go Royals! You're the Best at Winning When it No Longer Matters!

August 31, 2009


I've tried and failed to write this post several times over the last couple of weeks. I've written and deleted thousands of words. There's nothing funny to say anymore about this season. I watched the game yesterday and was excited and happy and it was a great experience. But the truth remains. This team is terrible. Not just this year's team, either. The Royals. As a team. Are terrible.

And today we got another sign in the form of a contract extension for Dayton Moore.

I'm not sure why this extension happened. He was going to be here through 2011 already. I would have much rather seen how he and the team did next year before doing anything about his contract. Because turning around two decades of suckitude hasn't yet happened and it may never.

And yet, Glass says that despite being in dead last in the American League this year, despite being one of the losingest franchises in sports since their World Series victory, the Royals are moving in the right direction.

I don't see what he sees. In fact, comparing last year to this year, it certainly looks like they are headed in the absolute wrong direction. Their winning percentage is under .400. They might have more talent on the team this year, but that talent resides in only five or six players. The other twenty or so guys taking up space on the roster? Well, no other team can rival their crappiness. In fact, on the hitting side, the Royals don't even rival a roster made up entirely of replacement players. That means the entire offensive side of the ball could be released and replaced with nobodies, and they'd probably win just as much, if not more, games. On the pitching side, the starters are showing better promise. The bullpen? Well, aside from Soria and Robinson Tejeda, there isn't much positive to say about the bullpen.

And Trey Hillman. His weaknesses have become very apparent this year. He has shown that if he doesn't have a fantastic stable of relievers at his disposal, as he did last season, that he can't manage a game at all. That is to say, the primary thing he needed to be good at this year, he wasn't. With serviceable, but inconsistent starters, that spells doom for a team. With no offense to boot, you end up with the 2009 Royals. Moore's choice is simple for next year-- fix the bullpen and patch up the offense OR fire Hillman and hope the next guy knows how to polish turds.

But this waiting around shit is getting us nowhere. Each year, the team's return to success gets pushed back another two or three years. I remember when we were supposed to compete in 1991. In 1996. In 1999. In 2001. In 2003 and 2004. In 2007. In 2009.

And now what are we looking forward to? Next year? Nope.

Sure, they might be better next year (they goddamn better be), but the general consensus is that they won't be good until 2011 or 2012. And now, with this announcement of Moore's extension, things only seem bleaker.

In one sense, extending Moore is a vote of confidence... maybe he'll do better with trades and personnel moves this off-season and next year, and we will see some real change in the win column. But then again, an extension pushes back the need to be successful by three years. It cushions him, gives him the opportunity to waste another year on retreads that other teams don't want. Why do that? Why give him a Carl Peterson-size leash? Is he going to work any harder if he knows he has five years to do his job instead of two?

Royals fans never get the chance to say, "Maybe next year," like other fans. It's always, "Maybe in 2012. Maybe in 2014." Hell, in 1986 we weren't expecting the team to suck for over twenty years. Think about that. Over twenty years. That World Series win happened 16 years into the team's existence. This year is their fortieth anniversary. Now, I've gone through the list of things that didn't exist twenty-three years ago, so I won't depress you with that again, but it boggles the mind that a team can be this consistently awful for this long.... between 1986 and today, just think of the number of changes the Royals have made in general managers, managers, players, and coaches, the color of the stadium seats, the birth of a mascot, several uniform changes, a logo change, new minor league teams, a new spring training location, millions of dollars in stadium renovations; I could go on and on. The team has gone through a hundred changes, but they've never changed the one thing that matters.

They lose. A lot. It's what they do. It doesn't matter that the names on the backs of the uniforms are different. That the manager has a mustache or is a jerk or is a goofball or was successful in Japan or thinks players should drink tequila. That the the seats are blue instead of orange. That the stadium has a merry-go-round and Boulevard beer. That the fans pee in urinals instead of troughs. If the team were winning, we wouldn't need all of these other changes to simulate success and growth. We wouldn't need distractions, reasons to compliment the team, if the team was any good to begin with.

Can Moore change that? Even if he's here for five more years? Like all Royals fans (and many other fans around the country who pity the Royals and their fans), I hope so. But how many years, how many dollars, how much time, how much energy, can we be expected to spend on this team that does nothing but disappoint us before the official start of summer every single year? The Royals have been riding their good April this year, as if four weeks of them being a decent team were supposed to be enough for fans. They've been riding Zack Greinke this year, as if one guy makes an entire team worth watching and cheering for. They've made the stadium a whole lot more fun and given away a bunch of free t-shirts, as if bells and whistles and a new coat of paint can hide a bad team.

The fact remains: this is one of the most disappointing teams in Royals history. Not just because of this year, but because of the last twenty-three years. There's nothing funny about that. Not anymore.

We'll see if anything amuses me enough to write about over the next month, but I seriously doubt it. If that's the case, I'll be back next year, hopefully refreshed enough to enjoy writing things about and poking fun at this team

In the meantime, I'll do the following out of obligation more than my current attitude:

Go Royals! You're the Best!

August 6, 2009

250 Words on Billy Butler's O-Face

He's been busting this out a lot lately.

Any time Billy Butler jacks one (ahem), his mouth forms a hilarious O.

Check it out.




You know what I'm talking about...


Don't worry, ladies. Just because he looks surprised doesn't mean you won't enjoy his thunder.

He's lean, mean, and as Frank White points out, "he carries a hot stick."

Oh.... And don't mind the constant gum chewing.

This man is Bubble-YUM!


He's, uh, Big League, uh, Wait, No Teeth, please!


What I'm trying to say is, he appreciates a good blow.

Wait... that's, um, that's not what I meant.

Yeah, there it is...


I have to apologize for this post.

There is no tactful way to tie the Kansas City Royals to orgasms.

Or is there?


No, there isn't.

Especially when most men's penises crawl back up inside them when they watch a Royals game.

Except, of course, when Billy's at bat.


**Wolf-whistle, bed squeaking, purring,
panting, barking, howling, rowboat lips,



Go Royals! I'm The Gayest!

I mean, um, You're The Beast!


Did I say Beast?

What's that even mean?

I meant Best.


I did.

Don't be gay, dude.

July 24, 2009

How to Lose A Fan in 10 Days

Holy shit.

After losing six straight games due entirely to bullpen meltdowns and nine overall, Dayton Moore claims the Royals will not lose 100 games this year.

That means KC has to win 26 of the final 68 games.

Can they do it?

Is that enough drama to make you keep watching this shit?

To keep paying for tickets and merchandise and $7.50 Boulevards?

Probably not.

When your main goal is the Royals not losing 100 games for the fifth time in eight years, your goal might as well be learning Esperanto or making a good Transformers movie or curing cancer or achieving peace in the Middle East or making No Child Left Behind work or not drinking yourself to death.

And so what if they do it?

So what if the Royals DON'T lose 100 or more games?

What if they lose merely 99, or, gasp, 98 games this year instead of 100?



It's pointless.

How about your goal is not losing 90 games? Or 80? Or not blowing more games than you save? Or not being the laughingstock of Major League Baseball (which shouldn't have been a problem, considering the Nationals, but sadly no one, other than Dayton Moore, seems sure that the Royals will ever win again at this point).....





This is progress?

This is moving in the right direction?

Losing 2/3 of your games nearly every year for almost a decade?

For almost TWO decades?


This is the point of the speech where I would throw the microphone down and walk off the stage, but I don't have the ability to make such a dramatic, non-verbal, white-rapper-pretending-to-be-hard gesture here.

So instead, I'll post a piece of, dare I say, artwork, that expresses my disappointment and hatred of the current Royals regime, management, general management, the lineup, the bullpen, and the whole optimism-in-the-face-of-overwhelming-evidence attitude that keeps this franchise falsely rejuvenated every year from October to March:




Did I...


I actually hate those Calvin-Pissing-On-Things decals...

In fact:


That adequately shows my hatred for those things.



Forget it.

Royals, I have no earthly idea why, but I could never stay mad at you.

As long as there are other even more inconsequential things to be mad at:

Like Calvin-Pissing-On-Things decals. And Mark Buehrle. And cats. And ESPN. And romantic comedies. And people who don't know what to do at four-way intersections. And the constant media coverage of Michael Jackson's death. And humidity. And...


And the disturbing popularity of Two and a Half Men.


Somebody put that shit on the back window of a pickup.

Somehow, looking at how awful everything and everybody is, the Royals don't seem so depressing.

Bring on 100 losses!

Go Nihilism! You're the Best!

July 22, 2009

We don't need no education.

“There’s a lot that people don’t know. I’m not going to bang my head against the wall defending things I do or do not do in trying to educate the masses about things that, quite frankly, I can’t educate. There’s just too much.”
--Trey Hillman

And now, a rebuttal from Royales with Cheese:

I disagree, Trey. I'm not sure how your streak of losing games you shouldn't, of making dumbass game decisions, of generally being one of the most disappointing hires in team history, has failed to provide me with an adequate education of who you are, of what this team is, of how monumentally disappointing this season has been. You're terrible at your job.

Your team has won 19 of of their last 65 games.

19 of 65!

That's a 29% winning percentage.

You know what that means?

They have lost 46 of 65.

That's a 71% losing percentage.

That's disgusting. That's nearly pornographic.

Losing at that clip for the rest of the year will make this Royals team one of the worst in major league history. If you were a student, you would be failing spectacularly. If you were a President, you'd be compared unfavorably to Dubya and Hoover. If you were an actor, you'd be an extra in a Z-Grade straight-to-dvd Christian Slater movie. If you were a car, you'd be a Triumph TR-7. If you were twenty years younger, you'd be the brunette Spencer Pratt. If you were a state, you'd be New Jersey. And if you were a manager of any other baseball team in this country, including the local Parks and Rec team in the 5-to-6-year-old division, you'd be out on your ass.

You ARE bad at this job. This team IS bad.

How can you possibly "educate" fans otherwise?

Well, there's one way.

But that would take winning.

Good decisions.

And, again, WINNING.



***(I initially wrote a long string of curse words here accusing Hillman of all sorts of deviant, socio- and psychopathic behavior, but apparently I haven't drank quite enough to go ahead and publish the graphic vitriol that I, and probably you, have been thinking about Trey-Dog over the last few months. Perhaps we can take a moment here where you, the reader, can yell as many filthy things as you want at the computer screen-- it is quite liberating, I must confess).

Here are a couple staged PR photos of the #(%*@$*! hiding behind things that attempt to make him seem like a non-#(%*@$*!

You may commence yelling now:

 And, just for fairness' sake, here's an undoctored photo of Trey Hillman punching a puppy in the face:


Stop yelling...


Feel better?


Well, just remember there are only about ten more weeks of this bullshit left to endure... or ignore. Surely you can handle a shitty Royals team for that long (hell, most people have been ignoring or enduring one since the late 80s).


Before we go, we need to call out one more guy:

Dayton "Allard Baird Redux" Moore.

You don't get a free pass. By giving Trey a vote of confidence, you are sealing your own fate.


It's hard to recall the last good thing this guy did for the team... the bad trades, the dumb signings, and now this. To think, we hailed this dipshit as a savior when he came to KC.

He's not.

He's just another in a long string of guys who can't turn the Royals around. And it's almost worse this time because there were signs that things would be better. More money was spent. Effort was made in hiring personnel. Buddy Bell was even fired. But these past ten weeks have been some of the worst in Royals history. And the next ten, as previously mentioned, don't look promising.

But come on, there's always next year, right?

Oh wait, Hillman could be back. And Moore will probably sign/trade for another fitfteen exiled Mariners or Braves players before opening day next year.

And we will be right here again next year, for some reason wondering what went wrong, when really we should just suck it up and realize this team is destined to suck for the foreseeable future.

So it is written, so it shall be.

Can someone please explain to me why we Royals fans are always so damn optimistic when we have decades worth of evidence proving we should be committing mass suicide?


We are one sick, twisted, masochistic group of people, aren't we?
Oh well.

Go Royals! You're the Best!

(at losing)

(and punching puppies in the face)

July 13, 2009

The Second Annual All Non-Star Team

If you want to be technical about it, this really should be about the 21st Annual All-Non-Star team, but this team's suckiness pre-dates blogs.

The Royals as a successful franchise also pre-dates the following:

Netscape Navigator
the rise and fall of Vanilla Ice
the nicotine patch
the end of Apartheid
Crystal Pepsi
the first Gulf War
two Florida Marlins' World Series Championships
the Florida Marlins
thirteen Land Before Time films
the fall of the Berlin Wall
grunge rock
The Simpsons
16-bit video games
Comedy Central
three presidential terms by guys named George Bush
the rise and fall of the compact disc
the births of top Royals prospects Mike Moustakas and Danny Duffy
and... and....

Damn, that's depressing.

But who sucks this year?

As usual, it's much quicker to answer who doesn't suck.

But how do we decide which guys really deserve our scorn as Royals fans? Who not only sucks, but sucks out loud? Who are the guys that have somehow made this team worse than last season's abomination?

Leading the pack of Non-Stars, the absolute biggest suckhole on the roster, is the three-headed hellhound with an OPS deficiency that is Mike Jacobs, Jose Guillen and Coco Crisp.

How do you get a shitty OPS, you might ask? Well, you combine a shitty SLG % and a shitty OBP. So not only do these guys fail to hit for power (and two out of three of them were signed to do little else), they also don't hit. Period. Or walk. Or get hit by pitches. Or do anything else that might get them from home plate to first base. Coco getting injured was both a blessing and a curse, as he was replaced by the even worse Mitch Maier.

Next up on our cavalcade of horrors is second-time Non-Star Tony Pena, Jr. He's only a part-time employee, splitting his hours between the ballclub and the Hollow Tree Factory, where he makes E.L. Fudge cookies.

TPJ is batting a puny .098, which means he may very well be the absolute worst baseball player ever. And yet, there he is in the lineup two or three times a week, giving the other team an out over 90% of the time. Simply astonishing. Hopefully Keebler will hire him on full time and we'll be rid of this guy.

For our next Non-Stars, there's the shitstain known as the Royals bullpen. It's hard to even single any one guy out here. Aside from the closer, nobody has an ERA below 4.00, and most of these guys are north of 5.00. Calling to the Royals bullpen is like playing Reverse Russian Roulette. Five of the chambers are loaded.

Give it up for the worst of the worst: John Bale, Robinson Tejeda, Kyle Farnsworth, Jamey Wright and Ron "Mayday" Mahay.

Bang bang, they shot wins down, bang bang, let's kill these clowns.

The starters have been a stronger aspect of the club, but mostly because of one guy.

Retreads Sidney Ponson and Bruce Chen aren't even good enough to hold down the fifth spot in the rotation on one of the worst teams in the league. Each of these guys are only 32, but they rival Jose Guillen in number of teams that have shitcanned their services. Combined, they've played for half the teams in major league baseball.

Ponson and Chen have played for Baltimore, New York, Texas, Montreal, Cincinnati, the other New York, Atlanta, Philadelphia, Houston, Boston, St. Louis, Minnesota, San Francisco, and now, unfortunately, Kansas City. What about their resumes made Moore think signing these guys was a good idea?

Also, Sidney Ponson is a fat ass.

Last but not least, there is a late addition to the Royals All Non-Star team. None other than new acquisition Yuniesky Betancourt.

Here's the take from Yuniesky-devoted blog Yuniform (I'm dead serious):

"Yuni has the change (sic) to disappoint or surprise a new batch of fans, hang out with Willie B, Gil Meche and Jose Guillen, and maybe even take a bath in a neat fountain. Kansas City may be a cow town, but they have a good stadium, and a lot of Hallmark-centered interesting-ness throughout town. Boulevard is a more-than-acceptable beer. Maybe he’ll inherit the ghost of Buck O’Neil or Frank White. To me, this trade epitomizes the Midwest: it’s sad, but can be vastly productive. I’m bummed that Yuniesky’s now no longer a Mariner, glad that the Mariners were able to salvage something from his corpse of a career."

What do we learn from this?

Two things:

1) Royales with Cheese is not the worst baseball-related blog out there.

2) Despite a limited knowledge of the English language, Kansas City, and the fact that Frank White isn't dead, even this dipshit and known Yuniesky Betancourt worshipper thinks Yuniesky Betancourt's career is over.

Honestly, Betancourt is every terrible Royals shortstop in history rolled into one: take generous portions of Neifi Perez and Angel Berroa, add some Tony Pena, Jr. and Angel Salazar, a dash of Mendy Lopez, drizzle it with some Onix Concepcion, bring to a rapid boil and then cover, and baby, you got a stew going.

Yuniesky Betancourt as the Royals starting shortstop cannot end well. That's why he's on the list before even putting on his Yuniform (har har har).

All right, that wraps it up.

Now remember, some deserving members of the Royals didn't make the All Non-Star team, but that doesn't mean their contribution to this season shouldn't go without mentioning, so give it up for notable snubs Kyle Davies, Mitch Maier, Luis Hernandez, and of course, Manager Trey Hillman. You suck too, guys.

Go Non-Stars! You're the Best!

July 6, 2009

My Life With The Freel Kill Kult

The Royals have finally done it.

They've made the move that will turn their season around.

That's right.

The Royals traded for....

wait for it...

Ryan "For Real" Freel!


I mean, seriously, the Royals best player right now is arguably Wee Willie Bloomquist.

I think a team of Willie Bloomquists or Willie Bloomquist-type players might be better than what we have right now.

Now, you might be against the trade. I can see your reasons now:

1) He sucks.

2) He's a drunk and a clubhouse malcontent.

3) He's a clubhouse malcontent and a drunk.

4) He parties with his agent.

5) He sucks.

But I disagree, and for one very solid, very logical reason.

Ryan Freel comes with his own imaginary midget friend.

From the Dayton Daily Who Gives a Shit What the Paper's Called It's a Dead Medium:

"He's a little guy who lives in my head who talks to me and I talk to him. That little midget in my head said, 'That was a great catch, Ryan,' I said, 'Hey, Farney, I don't know if that was you who really caught that ball, but that was pretty good if it was.' Everybody thinks I talk to myself, so I tell 'em I'm talking to Farney." Freel later said that Farney's name arose from a conversation with Reds trainer Mark Mann: "He actually made a comment like, 'How are the voices in your head?' We'd play around and finally this year he said, 'What's the guy's name?' I said, 'Let's call him Farney.' So now everybody's like, 'Run, Farney, run' or 'Let Farney hit today. You're not hitting very well.'"

That's right, a midget named Farney lives inside Freel's head.

So, this trade is like a two for one, or at least a one-and-half for one deal. Which makes it maybe one of the best trades the Royals have ever made.

I, for one, welcome Ryan Freel and his imaginary midget overlord. I believe this is just the thing that's going to turn the season around.

Save us Farney-wan Kenobi, you're our only hope!

Go Dum-Dum! You're the Best!

June 5, 2009

Who didn't see this coming?

The Royals, and yes, the almighty Greinke, lost.

This one had been coming for the last couple weeks.

Cue the sad trombone.


Cue it, dammit!



Go Royals. You're the Whatever.


I'm staying in bed tomorrow.

June 4, 2009

Meme (sounds like 'Ream')

What the hell happened to this season?

It has become painfully clear that every Royals game should now end with this:

Go Royals! You're the...



Play 'em off, Keyboard Cat.

May 28, 2009

Land of the Losses

My last post was too optimistic.

I'll never make that mistake again.

The team has been terrible since that six-game winning streak. I don't care if you have the best stopper in the game. That doesn't matter if you lose three or four games between every Greinke start.

Oil and water have returned to their proper positions. The Royals are biffing plays left and right, sputtering on offense, losing the games that count, accidentally spitting in umpires' eyes... really, only one analogy works for the past few weeks.

The Royals are a freaking dog. For the first five weeks, they seemed healthy, fun, excitable. You were in love with your new pet. Sure it had some fleas and some bad habits, but it was a good dog.


Now the new dog smell has worn off and the dog fart smell has permeated the metropolitan area. The dog's anal glands are leaking. Bad pitching. Bad hitting. Bad defense. They are dragging their collective asses on the ground and spreading the ass juice all over the field. Don't believe me? Watch Jose Guillen try to field right.

And after the glands are done leaking, this dog is furiously licking at the stain, licking it until it's gone and then licking the empty spot until you smack it with a rolled-up magazine.

I know this is a pretty technical analogy. I'm sorry this blog has gotten so highbrow.

Here's a diagram to help explain what I'm saying:

That's the Royals right now. A wall-eyed dog slurping up its own anal leakage until something snaps it out of its trance. Unfortunately, that something doesn't appear to be Greinke.

He's on track for the Cy Young, and yet the team's record isn't much different from last year.

They have to turn this around. Otherwise, we're in for a horribly disappointing year. What could fix this? What could resolve this problem?

I think we all know the answer, though we are afraid to admit it.

The Royals



That's it.

That's the solution.

They need to pretend it's the opening sequence from The Last Boy Scout or the closing sequence of The Naked Gun, and they need to cap some bitches.

I don't normally advocate violence, but what other choice does this team have?

Instead of shooting themselves in the foot, the Royals could shoot their opponents.

Instead of throwing gopher balls, Horacio Ramirez could throw bullets.

Instead of meekly grounding into double plays, Miguel Olivo could commit some double homicides.

Instead of sucking ass, Coco Crisp could smoke some ass.

Instead of George Brett dropping F-Bombs, he could drop carpet bombs on the visitor's clubhouse.

Instead of eating their own dookie, the Royals could eat the other teams' babies.

And now it's official.

The satire has reached Jonathan Swift levels (without the humor or logic and with many more references to poop for some reason), so I'll just close with the following:

I hate May. The month. The Darrell. The crapitude.

I hate it.

But it's almost over.

So yeah. Keep your heads up, true believers.

I was joking about the murdering, the killing, the eating of the small children, the conspiracy to commit criminal acts via an anonymous blog.

Ha ha.

Ha ha ha.

Funny, right?



Ahem. At least something good has come from this; for any of the Royals promotional staff reading, consider this: Willie Bloomquist Free Derringer Giveaway Night = Sure Sellout.


How many days until the next Greinke start?

Go Royals! You're the Best!

May 13, 2009

We're going streaking!

Hey, gang! Long time no post, huh?

Well, to be fair, there wasn't a whole lot of negativity to share. After a solid April, May has been a tale of two streaks.

Beginning May 2, the Royals went on a nice run. They were winning games that they should have and games that they should not have won. The pitching was fantastic. The hitting was timely. Billy Butler learned how to play first. Ponson made the most of his final start. They were getting more national coverage than they've received in over a decade. Suddenly, the Royals were 6-1 in May and stood at 18-11 overall. They were at the top of the Central and close to the top of the league.

Then they went to California, home of wildfires, earthquakes, retarded beauty queens, a thriving pornography industry, the worst schools in the country, Manny injecting Manny, and a $21.3 billion budget deficit. All that, and the star of Commando running the show.

(It's not all bad of course. In-n-Out Burger, wine country, giant Redwoods, a thriving pornography industry...)

But I digress. California is where things started going wrong. Zack Greinke threw a one-run complete game but was somehow outpitched. Miguel Olivo, Jamey Wright, and Jose Guillen combined to give a game away in less than three minutes. Luke Hochevar shat the bed against the worst offensive team in the league. It's four straight losses now, and a little negativity is creeping back.

The Royals have some problems. Not as many as in years past, of course, and this doesn't seem like the beginning of one of those famous Royals fourteen-game losing streaks, but now that we're over thirty games into the season, there are three players to be concerned about:

1) Joakim Soria. It hasn't really hurt the team so far, but the higher-ups were pretty cagey about putting the kid on the DL, with statements coming out that there was nothing wrong with him at all. Now they are saying a partial tear. He doesn't need any surgery, apparently. Let's just hope this isn't one of those lingering things.

2) Mike Aviles needs demoted. He doesn't look comfortable in the box this year. Let him figure it out in Omaha.

3) David DeJesus needs, well, not demoted, but kicked in the ass at least. He's killing rallies left and right in the two hole.

Really, that's a pretty short list of concerns for six weeks into the season. I'm confident they'll snap out of it soon. With a sellout coming up this Friday at the K, the future of the team is looking good. 

The biggest problem right now is probably California.

Let's just get them the hell out of there.

Go Royals! You're the Best!

April 20, 2009

A Boost to Wikipedia's Credibility

God bless the anonymous editors of Wikipedia.

Check out Trey Hillman's page:






Heh. Either that's one pissed off Royals fan, or Buddy Bell has learned how to use the Internet.


Urge to Kill.... Rising

If you didn't read my post from last Wednesday about Farnsworth, or even if you did, it's worth reading again. Just make sure to add a loss (he's 0-3 now; that was his second loss of the week), change his ERA to 18.90 (Jesus Tits), and raise my anger level from "Full Of Hate-Filled Rage" to "Shitting Fury Out Of My Ass." In short, Farnsworth blows. That's been established. We know that.

What's really disheartening? Trey Hillman blows, too. He doesn't know how to utilize a bullpen. And that may be the Royals downfall this year. This is clearly one of, if not the best, teams that has been fielded by KC in over a decade. They can compete for the division this year, but sadly, I think it really depends on Hillman. Of the Royals five losses, at least two, and arguably three, can be blamed on bullpen decisions Mr. Goatee has made.

So why didn't Hillman put in Soria to give us a better chance of completing the sweep? The same Soria that hadn't pitched since last Monday? The same Soria that Hillman was saying needed to get some work on Sunday regardless of the situation? The same Soria that Hillman calls "Jack" Soria for some reason?

Trey's response to that question after the game: "You don't do that on the road.... the percentages are against it."

Oh Fearless Leader, the percentages are against putting one of the best pitchers in the league into a game to preserve a tie and give your team a chance at the win in extra innings? The percentages are against that?

Well you know what, dipshit? If you really were using percentages, you wouldn't let Farnsworth pitch at all. Not if the Royals still have a chance to win a game. Never against right-handed hitters. Never in the goddamn state of Texas.









April 15, 2009

"Good news, everyone!"

"Our super free-agent reliever super exploded!
I need you to take him back and exchange him for a wobbly CD rack and some of those rancid meatballs."

Pretty much everyone but Dayton Moore knew signing Farnsworth was a bad idea. And yet, Kansas City is paying him 9.25 million over the next two years. So far, the signing is paying off. He's lost two games for KC (including Opening Day), been outpitched by Sidney Ponson of all people, and accumulated a 16.50 ERA.

Big whoop, you say. That's only in 3 1/3 innings. He'll get better.

Of course he will; not even Jose Lima could maintain an ERA above 15 for an entire season.

But Kyle Farnsworth still won't be a good setup man. He's not a good reliever in general. He has a career ERA of 4.49, a career WHIP of 1.41, and more blown saves than saves. The most holds he's had in a season are 24, and that happened eight years ago when he was with the Chicago Cubs. In the eight years since that season, he has been a Cub, a Tiger, a Brave, a Yankee, and a Tiger again; he has speared two opposing players Bill Goldberg style; and he has never learned how to pitch.

According to, the pitchers he is most similar to are Doug Henry, Russ Springer, Mike Trombley, Jay Witasick, and Hector Carrasco. None of those guys are/were worth tens of millions of dollars, but for some reason, GMs seem to think Farnsworth is. His contract with KC is bad, but then again, the Yankees gave him the same amount PER YEAR with his last contract.

The reason he can still get a job pitching in the majors, the reason he can get paid a lot for that job, is that he throws the ball really, really, really, really, really hard and doesn't completely suck. He has no brain in his head, no finesse in his pitching, nothing to show for being born with a gift other than a lot of money and mediocre stats.

It makes you wonder why Fate has been kind to someone like him when there are plenty of guys out there just like Farnsworth, owners of a 100 mph fastball, that aren't/weren't blessed with his ability to get a major league gig as a middling middle reliever for a decade.

But I'd argue Fate really hasn't been all that kind to Kyle Farnsworth. That being a middling middle reliever is no blessing. Sure he's rich, but nobody gives a damn about him. The ones with his talent who didn't make it, the Steve Dalkowskis and Colt Griffins, are more interesting, more compelling figures than Farnsworth will ever be.

We tend to hold both successes and failures with high regard. That's why we're proud of being Royals fans, despite so little to show for all the years of watching them. At least when they fail, they fail spectacularly. Indeed, it's easy to love (or hate) someone or something that is the best or the worst, but we don't know how to deal with the mediocre. It's just there.

And that will be my attitude towards Farnsworth until he is released or traded. He'll just be there. Sometimes good, sometimes bad, but mostly just there.

Go Royals! You're The Best!

April 9, 2009

The Fantasy is Over.

Yeah, fantasy baseball is stupid.

Want evidence?

Kinda hard to read. Here:

Callous.... Disgusting... Idiotic.

I don't know Nick Adenhart. I wasn't a fan of him or of the Angels.

But the way I'm seeing his death treated is disturbing to me.

The above is proof that fantasy baseball matters more than a man's life to somebody, and that for some reason somebody thinks it's okay to post a joke about the death of a person as "Smack" on his Yahoo! fantasy team.

So yeah. That's messed up.

But the same thing is going on with real baseball... Check out how Baseball Tonight seems to be treating this in their opening segment.

Steve Berthiaume: "Yeah, tragic death of course, but how does this affect the team's chances at the playoffs? How will Mike Scioscia make sure his guys focus on winning, rather than their friend's tragic death? Buck Showalter, what do you think?"


He was a ballplayer, yes. But he was a human. And I can't reconcile how people are focused on anything but that.

Of course, you have to feel for the two others who died. We might not know their names or anything about them had an MLB player not also died.

Basically what I'm saying is this: The priorities of a lot of people in this country are fucked.


I'll be back with some harmless jokes this weekend.

Go Royals. You're the Best.

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