July 24, 2009

How to Lose A Fan in 10 Days

Holy shit.

After losing six straight games due entirely to bullpen meltdowns and nine overall, Dayton Moore claims the Royals will not lose 100 games this year.

That means KC has to win 26 of the final 68 games.

Can they do it?

Is that enough drama to make you keep watching this shit?

To keep paying for tickets and merchandise and $7.50 Boulevards?

Probably not.

When your main goal is the Royals not losing 100 games for the fifth time in eight years, your goal might as well be learning Esperanto or making a good Transformers movie or curing cancer or achieving peace in the Middle East or making No Child Left Behind work or not drinking yourself to death.

And so what if they do it?

So what if the Royals DON'T lose 100 or more games?

What if they lose merely 99, or, gasp, 98 games this year instead of 100?

OH MY GOD THEY DIDN'T LOSE 100 GAMES--- THIS IS ARGUABLY THE BEST WORST TEAM EVER.

No.

It's pointless.

How about your goal is not losing 90 games? Or 80? Or not blowing more games than you save? Or not being the laughingstock of Major League Baseball (which shouldn't have been a problem, considering the Nationals, but sadly no one, other than Dayton Moore, seems sure that the Royals will ever win again at this point).....

SERIOUSLY, YOUR GOAL IS NOT TO LOSE 100?

WHY?

NO, SERIOUSLY, WHY?

SOMEONE TELL ME WHY WE SHOULD CARE ABOUT THIS TEAM.

This is progress?

This is moving in the right direction?

Losing 2/3 of your games nearly every year for almost a decade?

For almost TWO decades?

Sigh.

This is the point of the speech where I would throw the microphone down and walk off the stage, but I don't have the ability to make such a dramatic, non-verbal, white-rapper-pretending-to-be-hard gesture here.

So instead, I'll post a piece of, dare I say, artwork, that expresses my disappointment and hatred of the current Royals regime, management, general management, the lineup, the bullpen, and the whole optimism-in-the-face-of-overwhelming-evidence attitude that keeps this franchise falsely rejuvenated every year from October to March:






There.

No.

Wait.

Did I...

Hmm....

I actually hate those Calvin-Pissing-On-Things decals...

In fact:



There.

That adequately shows my hatred for those things.

.....

Sigh.

Forget it.

Royals, I have no earthly idea why, but I could never stay mad at you.

As long as there are other even more inconsequential things to be mad at:

Like Calvin-Pissing-On-Things decals. And Mark Buehrle. And cats. And ESPN. And romantic comedies. And people who don't know what to do at four-way intersections. And the constant media coverage of Michael Jackson's death. And humidity. And...

Uh....

And the disturbing popularity of Two and a Half Men.

YEAH!

Somebody put that shit on the back window of a pickup.

Somehow, looking at how awful everything and everybody is, the Royals don't seem so depressing.

Bring on 100 losses!

Go Nihilism! You're the Best!


3 comments:

  1. The Calvin pissing decals are the worst. The only possible use for them is if they're pissing on Truck Nutz or fake bullet hole stickers.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Jose Rosado10:18 AM

    As if avoiding 100 losses wasn't a bold enough goal, one of this season's favorite bumsticks offers his perspective:

    "We've got two more months, and if I can play regularly, I can end up with over 20 [home runs], no problem," Jacobs said. "I could probably lead the team in homers, could probably lead the team in RBIs."

    Wow. Yeah, 20 is good enough, douchebag. Throw in a .220 avg and about 61 RBI. That's a pretty productive season for a cleanup hitter.

    Of course, he then goes on to blame lack of playing time in the event that he cannot meet his goal of leading a horrendous team in homers and rbi.

    "I felt right after the All-Star break I started swinging the bat a little better," Jacobs said. "But again I wasn't playing very much. It just boils down to get an opportunity to play again and hopefully turn it around and make it hard to keep me out of the lineup."

    Seriously? Let's flash back to June. 23 Games Played. 1 HR, 2 RBI. The entire month. 2 RBI.

    At least Jose Guillen knows he sucks.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Buzz Killington1:33 PM

    Assuming today's contest against the Orioles continues as it is currently...

    The Royals haven't won a series since June 23-25 at Houston.

    ReplyDelete

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...