July 13, 2009

The Second Annual All Non-Star Team

If you want to be technical about it, this really should be about the 21st Annual All-Non-Star team, but this team's suckiness pre-dates blogs.

The Royals as a successful franchise also pre-dates the following:

Netscape Navigator
the rise and fall of Vanilla Ice
the nicotine patch
the end of Apartheid
Crystal Pepsi
the first Gulf War
two Florida Marlins' World Series Championships
the Florida Marlins
thirteen Land Before Time films
the fall of the Berlin Wall
grunge rock
The Simpsons
16-bit video games
Comedy Central
three presidential terms by guys named George Bush
the rise and fall of the compact disc
the births of top Royals prospects Mike Moustakas and Danny Duffy
and... and....

Damn, that's depressing.

But who sucks this year?

As usual, it's much quicker to answer who doesn't suck.

But how do we decide which guys really deserve our scorn as Royals fans? Who not only sucks, but sucks out loud? Who are the guys that have somehow made this team worse than last season's abomination?

Leading the pack of Non-Stars, the absolute biggest suckhole on the roster, is the three-headed hellhound with an OPS deficiency that is Mike Jacobs, Jose Guillen and Coco Crisp.

How do you get a shitty OPS, you might ask? Well, you combine a shitty SLG % and a shitty OBP. So not only do these guys fail to hit for power (and two out of three of them were signed to do little else), they also don't hit. Period. Or walk. Or get hit by pitches. Or do anything else that might get them from home plate to first base. Coco getting injured was both a blessing and a curse, as he was replaced by the even worse Mitch Maier.

Next up on our cavalcade of horrors is second-time Non-Star Tony Pena, Jr. He's only a part-time employee, splitting his hours between the ballclub and the Hollow Tree Factory, where he makes E.L. Fudge cookies.

TPJ is batting a puny .098, which means he may very well be the absolute worst baseball player ever. And yet, there he is in the lineup two or three times a week, giving the other team an out over 90% of the time. Simply astonishing. Hopefully Keebler will hire him on full time and we'll be rid of this guy.

For our next Non-Stars, there's the shitstain known as the Royals bullpen. It's hard to even single any one guy out here. Aside from the closer, nobody has an ERA below 4.00, and most of these guys are north of 5.00. Calling to the Royals bullpen is like playing Reverse Russian Roulette. Five of the chambers are loaded.

Give it up for the worst of the worst: John Bale, Robinson Tejeda, Kyle Farnsworth, Jamey Wright and Ron "Mayday" Mahay.

Bang bang, they shot wins down, bang bang, let's kill these clowns.

The starters have been a stronger aspect of the club, but mostly because of one guy.

Retreads Sidney Ponson and Bruce Chen aren't even good enough to hold down the fifth spot in the rotation on one of the worst teams in the league. Each of these guys are only 32, but they rival Jose Guillen in number of teams that have shitcanned their services. Combined, they've played for half the teams in major league baseball.

Ponson and Chen have played for Baltimore, New York, Texas, Montreal, Cincinnati, the other New York, Atlanta, Philadelphia, Houston, Boston, St. Louis, Minnesota, San Francisco, and now, unfortunately, Kansas City. What about their resumes made Moore think signing these guys was a good idea?

Also, Sidney Ponson is a fat ass.

Last but not least, there is a late addition to the Royals All Non-Star team. None other than new acquisition Yuniesky Betancourt.

Here's the take from Yuniesky-devoted blog Yuniform (I'm dead serious):

"Yuni has the change (sic) to disappoint or surprise a new batch of fans, hang out with Willie B, Gil Meche and Jose Guillen, and maybe even take a bath in a neat fountain. Kansas City may be a cow town, but they have a good stadium, and a lot of Hallmark-centered interesting-ness throughout town. Boulevard is a more-than-acceptable beer. Maybe he’ll inherit the ghost of Buck O’Neil or Frank White. To me, this trade epitomizes the Midwest: it’s sad, but can be vastly productive. I’m bummed that Yuniesky’s now no longer a Mariner, glad that the Mariners were able to salvage something from his corpse of a career."

What do we learn from this?

Two things:

1) Royales with Cheese is not the worst baseball-related blog out there.

2) Despite a limited knowledge of the English language, Kansas City, and the fact that Frank White isn't dead, even this dipshit and known Yuniesky Betancourt worshipper thinks Yuniesky Betancourt's career is over.

Honestly, Betancourt is every terrible Royals shortstop in history rolled into one: take generous portions of Neifi Perez and Angel Berroa, add some Tony Pena, Jr. and Angel Salazar, a dash of Mendy Lopez, drizzle it with some Onix Concepcion, bring to a rapid boil and then cover, and baby, you got a stew going.

Yuniesky Betancourt as the Royals starting shortstop cannot end well. That's why he's on the list before even putting on his Yuniform (har har har).

All right, that wraps it up.

Now remember, some deserving members of the Royals didn't make the All Non-Star team, but that doesn't mean their contribution to this season shouldn't go without mentioning, so give it up for notable snubs Kyle Davies, Mitch Maier, Luis Hernandez, and of course, Manager Trey Hillman. You suck too, guys.

Go Non-Stars! You're the Best!


  1. You can't go wrong quoting Arrested Development. Funny stuff.

  2. Does anyone know why Trey Hillman is an AL All-Star coach?

  3. Well, considering Tony Muser and Tony Pena (and maybe even Bob Boone, I can't remember) were named as All-Star coaches shortly before they lost their jobs, we should take this as a good sign.

  4. Anonymous11:23 AM

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