April 20, 2009

A Boost to Wikipedia's Credibility


God bless the anonymous editors of Wikipedia.


Check out Trey Hillman's page:



Enhance:



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Heh. Either that's one pissed off Royals fan, or Buddy Bell has learned how to use the Internet.

Enhance:

Urge to Kill.... Rising

If you didn't read my post from last Wednesday about Farnsworth, or even if you did, it's worth reading again. Just make sure to add a loss (he's 0-3 now; that was his second loss of the week), change his ERA to 18.90 (Jesus Tits), and raise my anger level from "Full Of Hate-Filled Rage" to "Shitting Fury Out Of My Ass." In short, Farnsworth blows. That's been established. We know that.

What's really disheartening? Trey Hillman blows, too. He doesn't know how to utilize a bullpen. And that may be the Royals downfall this year. This is clearly one of, if not the best, teams that has been fielded by KC in over a decade. They can compete for the division this year, but sadly, I think it really depends on Hillman. Of the Royals five losses, at least two, and arguably three, can be blamed on bullpen decisions Mr. Goatee has made.

So why didn't Hillman put in Soria to give us a better chance of completing the sweep? The same Soria that hadn't pitched since last Monday? The same Soria that Hillman was saying needed to get some work on Sunday regardless of the situation? The same Soria that Hillman calls "Jack" Soria for some reason?

Trey's response to that question after the game: "You don't do that on the road.... the percentages are against it."

Oh Fearless Leader, the percentages are against putting one of the best pitchers in the league into a game to preserve a tie and give your team a chance at the win in extra innings? The percentages are against that?

Well you know what, dipshit? If you really were using percentages, you wouldn't let Farnsworth pitch at all. Not if the Royals still have a chance to win a game. Never against right-handed hitters. Never in the goddamn state of Texas.

The percentages are ALWAYS AGAINST KYLE FARNSWORTH.

THEY ARE RARELY, IF EVER, AGAINST "JACK" SORIA.

I CAN'T STOP YELLING.

I WISH THIS WERE A FUNNIER POST.

BUT IT'S NOT.

HILLMAN AND FARNSWORTH MIGHT DESTROY THE DREAMS OF EVERY ROYALS FAN IN THE WORLD.

SHIT!

GO ROYALS! YOU'RE THE BEST!

April 15, 2009

"Good news, everyone!"


"Our super free-agent reliever super exploded!
I need you to take him back and exchange him for a wobbly CD rack and some of those rancid meatballs."


Pretty much everyone but Dayton Moore knew signing Farnsworth was a bad idea. And yet, Kansas City is paying him 9.25 million over the next two years. So far, the signing is paying off. He's lost two games for KC (including Opening Day), been outpitched by Sidney Ponson of all people, and accumulated a 16.50 ERA.

Big whoop, you say. That's only in 3 1/3 innings. He'll get better.

Of course he will; not even Jose Lima could maintain an ERA above 15 for an entire season.

But Kyle Farnsworth still won't be a good setup man. He's not a good reliever in general. He has a career ERA of 4.49, a career WHIP of 1.41, and more blown saves than saves. The most holds he's had in a season are 24, and that happened eight years ago when he was with the Chicago Cubs. In the eight years since that season, he has been a Cub, a Tiger, a Brave, a Yankee, and a Tiger again; he has speared two opposing players Bill Goldberg style; and he has never learned how to pitch.

According to baseball-reference.com, the pitchers he is most similar to are Doug Henry, Russ Springer, Mike Trombley, Jay Witasick, and Hector Carrasco. None of those guys are/were worth tens of millions of dollars, but for some reason, GMs seem to think Farnsworth is. His contract with KC is bad, but then again, the Yankees gave him the same amount PER YEAR with his last contract.

The reason he can still get a job pitching in the majors, the reason he can get paid a lot for that job, is that he throws the ball really, really, really, really, really hard and doesn't completely suck. He has no brain in his head, no finesse in his pitching, nothing to show for being born with a gift other than a lot of money and mediocre stats.

It makes you wonder why Fate has been kind to someone like him when there are plenty of guys out there just like Farnsworth, owners of a 100 mph fastball, that aren't/weren't blessed with his ability to get a major league gig as a middling middle reliever for a decade.

But I'd argue Fate really hasn't been all that kind to Kyle Farnsworth. That being a middling middle reliever is no blessing. Sure he's rich, but nobody gives a damn about him. The ones with his talent who didn't make it, the Steve Dalkowskis and Colt Griffins, are more interesting, more compelling figures than Farnsworth will ever be.

We tend to hold both successes and failures with high regard. That's why we're proud of being Royals fans, despite so little to show for all the years of watching them. At least when they fail, they fail spectacularly. Indeed, it's easy to love (or hate) someone or something that is the best or the worst, but we don't know how to deal with the mediocre. It's just there.

And that will be my attitude towards Farnsworth until he is released or traded. He'll just be there. Sometimes good, sometimes bad, but mostly just there.

Go Royals! You're The Best!

April 9, 2009

The Fantasy is Over.


Yeah, fantasy baseball is stupid.

Want evidence?


Kinda hard to read. Here:


Callous.... Disgusting... Idiotic.

I don't know Nick Adenhart. I wasn't a fan of him or of the Angels.

But the way I'm seeing his death treated is disturbing to me.

The above is proof that fantasy baseball matters more than a man's life to somebody, and that for some reason somebody thinks it's okay to post a joke about the death of a person as "Smack" on his Yahoo! fantasy team.

So yeah. That's messed up.

But the same thing is going on with real baseball... Check out how Baseball Tonight seems to be treating this in their opening segment.

Steve Berthiaume: "Yeah, tragic death of course, but how does this affect the team's chances at the playoffs? How will Mike Scioscia make sure his guys focus on winning, rather than their friend's tragic death? Buck Showalter, what do you think?"

Sigh.

He was a ballplayer, yes. But he was a human. And I can't reconcile how people are focused on anything but that.

Of course, you have to feel for the two others who died. We might not know their names or anything about them had an MLB player not also died.

Basically what I'm saying is this: The priorities of a lot of people in this country are fucked.

....

I'll be back with some harmless jokes this weekend.

Go Royals. You're the Best.


April 4, 2009

What a clever name for a Royals blog!

[Ed's Note (May 2012): We are now actually at royaleswithcheese.com. When this post was written in 2009, someone had swooped in and bough the web address and taken our name for their Royals website. It was a big deal to me then, but it isn't now. They decided to change their name and we've all moved on. Everything's cool between us. Cool story, bro.]

So www.royaleswithcheese.com...

That's not me.

For one thing, it offers insightful commentary and frequent updates.

Which is great, I guess, if every other Royals blog didn't already do that.

I do want to point out that it offers little in the way of Emil Brown jokes, poorly photoshopped images, references to Match Game '74 and, this is the most important, it offers absolutely nothing in the way of ridiculous drunken rants.

Speaking of which....

Go ahead, take the name. Register the site. Whatever. I borrowed the phrase from Tarantino who got it from the French McDonald's. I don't own the phrase or, clearly, the domain. If I could have afforded the five dollars a year, I would have bought it, believe me.

What I offer with this shitty blog is the amateur's perspective. The idiot's commentary. The dumbass observations you didn't know you wanted until you saw them turned into a picture of Hideo Nomo's head on a pregnant teenage girl's body. To me, that fits the sensibility of the blog's title pretty damn well. What I'm seeing on that site does not, and it makes me question why they chose that name.

So what if the makers behind that site asked for my permission and blessing to use the name back in January?

So what if I replied, "No, my site isn't dead. It's an April Fool's prank. Please don't use that name."

So what if they came back and said, whoops!!!, they'd already bought the site months ago and, double whoops!!!, it was already designed and, triple whoops!!!, it would be online and functioning in a matter of days?

"But we tried to contact you in the past and you never answered!" Like hell they did. Not asking if they could use the name they didn't.

So what if they then offered me a token position as a staffer with their GLORIOUS NEW PROFESSIONALLY DESIGNED (read as: a WordPress Template that anyone could find online for free) site?

"What better way to come back than using our site and our adspace? You owe it to your fans to come back with a professional site." I disagree. If anything, I owe it to my readers to be anything but professional. This is a personal blog. This is not staffed. There are no obligations. I write the blog because I enjoy it.

So what if I e-mailed back and said, thanks but no thanks, dude, I'm independent.... I don't join no consortium unless it's the Brotherhood of Bloggers with Big Dicks.

So what if they came back and said they understood and agreed to put a prominent disclaimer on their site pointing out that their blog was not affiliated with my blog and that I in no way condoned their use of the name, and that they would post a link to my blog in said disclaimer?

So what if they said they'd be honored to do that, and then ignored that agreement entirely? So what if I didn't even make it on their damn blogroll?

So what?

It's just another Royals blog that seems to specialize in summarizing Royals press releases, saying things that you, the genuine obsessed Royals fan, probably already know. There are a lot of great Royals blogs out there (check the links to the right), but I don't really see what this one adds, other than an attempt to capitalize on the name of this blog.

I've got nothing against the guy who writes that blog (he seems to know his shit, even if he hasn't quite found his voice yet), but the assholes who approached me about the site and lied multiple times about the circumstances surrounding buying, creating, and staffing it, are definitely only it in for their lameass sportsblog network and any ad revenue said lameass sportsblog network can generate.

Here's my last complaint, just because I really don't get it: their logo is a picture of George Brett's head on the body of a heroin-addicted hitman. Personally, I've got no problems mocking Brett's hemorrhoids, but why make your logo Mr. Royal and Sam Jackson capping a bitch?

HAHAHAHAHA! BECAUSE IT'S FROM THAT MOVIE!! WHAT A CLEVER IMAGE!!! I WANT TO GO TO THERE!!!!

Alright... that's the last I'll speak of that site.

I'm sure in three weeks it will be the most popular Royals blog on the net, and I'll be over here posting images of Sidney Ponson's head on the world's fattest man's naked body for the seven readers who are too lazy to delete me from their Google Reader.

Such is life.

Go Phony Royales With Cheese! You're the Best!


April 2, 2009

Just Kidding, Part Two


FOOLS! FOOLS! FOOLS!

You just got fooled by the oldest trick in the book!

The old double-reverse April Fools joke that begins in October to optimize the payoff when April comes she will, only to pull the rug out from under you when I reveal on April 2nd that the blog returning for good was actually the real April Fools joke.

Confused?

Yeah.

Me too.

Ah, the hell with it.

I'll keep posting if you'll keep reading.

And probably even if you won't.

Go Royals! You're the Best!

April 1, 2009

Just kidding.


You think Major League Baseball contacting me about Daniel Cortes' drunk naked ass on a toilet was really going to make me quit blogging?

Think again.

And I certainly wouldn't be quitting just because I thought my posts were getting worse. This blog has always prided itself on mediocrity.

You just got fooled.

For, like, five months.

Bam.

Go Fools! You're the Best!

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