August 31, 2009

FIVE MORE YEARS! FIVE MORE YEARS! FIVE MORE YEARS!

I've tried and failed to write this post several times over the last couple of weeks. I've written and deleted thousands of words. There's nothing funny to say anymore about this season. I watched the game yesterday and was excited and happy and it was a great experience. But the truth remains. This team is terrible. Not just this year's team, either. The Royals. As a team. Are terrible.

And today we got another sign in the form of a contract extension for Dayton Moore.

I'm not sure why this extension happened. He was going to be here through 2011 already. I would have much rather seen how he and the team did next year before doing anything about his contract. Because turning around two decades of suckitude hasn't yet happened and it may never.

And yet, Glass says that despite being in dead last in the American League this year, despite being one of the losingest franchises in sports since their World Series victory, the Royals are moving in the right direction.

I don't see what he sees. In fact, comparing last year to this year, it certainly looks like they are headed in the absolute wrong direction. Their winning percentage is under .400. They might have more talent on the team this year, but that talent resides in only five or six players. The other twenty or so guys taking up space on the roster? Well, no other team can rival their crappiness. In fact, on the hitting side, the Royals don't even rival a roster made up entirely of replacement players. That means the entire offensive side of the ball could be released and replaced with nobodies, and they'd probably win just as much, if not more, games. On the pitching side, the starters are showing better promise. The bullpen? Well, aside from Soria and Robinson Tejeda, there isn't much positive to say about the bullpen.

And Trey Hillman. His weaknesses have become very apparent this year. He has shown that if he doesn't have a fantastic stable of relievers at his disposal, as he did last season, that he can't manage a game at all. That is to say, the primary thing he needed to be good at this year, he wasn't. With serviceable, but inconsistent starters, that spells doom for a team. With no offense to boot, you end up with the 2009 Royals. Moore's choice is simple for next year-- fix the bullpen and patch up the offense OR fire Hillman and hope the next guy knows how to polish turds.

But this waiting around shit is getting us nowhere. Each year, the team's return to success gets pushed back another two or three years. I remember when we were supposed to compete in 1991. In 1996. In 1999. In 2001. In 2003 and 2004. In 2007. In 2009.

And now what are we looking forward to? Next year? Nope.

Sure, they might be better next year (they goddamn better be), but the general consensus is that they won't be good until 2011 or 2012. And now, with this announcement of Moore's extension, things only seem bleaker.

In one sense, extending Moore is a vote of confidence... maybe he'll do better with trades and personnel moves this off-season and next year, and we will see some real change in the win column. But then again, an extension pushes back the need to be successful by three years. It cushions him, gives him the opportunity to waste another year on retreads that other teams don't want. Why do that? Why give him a Carl Peterson-size leash? Is he going to work any harder if he knows he has five years to do his job instead of two?

Royals fans never get the chance to say, "Maybe next year," like other fans. It's always, "Maybe in 2012. Maybe in 2014." Hell, in 1986 we weren't expecting the team to suck for over twenty years. Think about that. Over twenty years. That World Series win happened 16 years into the team's existence. This year is their fortieth anniversary. Now, I've gone through the list of things that didn't exist twenty-three years ago, so I won't depress you with that again, but it boggles the mind that a team can be this consistently awful for this long.... between 1986 and today, just think of the number of changes the Royals have made in general managers, managers, players, and coaches, the color of the stadium seats, the birth of a mascot, several uniform changes, a logo change, new minor league teams, a new spring training location, millions of dollars in stadium renovations; I could go on and on. The team has gone through a hundred changes, but they've never changed the one thing that matters.

They lose. A lot. It's what they do. It doesn't matter that the names on the backs of the uniforms are different. That the manager has a mustache or is a jerk or is a goofball or was successful in Japan or thinks players should drink tequila. That the the seats are blue instead of orange. That the stadium has a merry-go-round and Boulevard beer. That the fans pee in urinals instead of troughs. If the team were winning, we wouldn't need all of these other changes to simulate success and growth. We wouldn't need distractions, reasons to compliment the team, if the team was any good to begin with.

Can Moore change that? Even if he's here for five more years? Like all Royals fans (and many other fans around the country who pity the Royals and their fans), I hope so. But how many years, how many dollars, how much time, how much energy, can we be expected to spend on this team that does nothing but disappoint us before the official start of summer every single year? The Royals have been riding their good April this year, as if four weeks of them being a decent team were supposed to be enough for fans. They've been riding Zack Greinke this year, as if one guy makes an entire team worth watching and cheering for. They've made the stadium a whole lot more fun and given away a bunch of free t-shirts, as if bells and whistles and a new coat of paint can hide a bad team.

The fact remains: this is one of the most disappointing teams in Royals history. Not just because of this year, but because of the last twenty-three years. There's nothing funny about that. Not anymore.

We'll see if anything amuses me enough to write about over the next month, but I seriously doubt it. If that's the case, I'll be back next year, hopefully refreshed enough to enjoy writing things about and poking fun at this team

In the meantime, I'll do the following out of obligation more than my current attitude:

Go Royals! You're the Best!

August 6, 2009

250 Words on Billy Butler's O-Face

He's been busting this out a lot lately.

Any time Billy Butler jacks one (ahem), his mouth forms a hilarious O.

Check it out.

OH...



OH...




OH....




You know what I'm talking about...




OH...



Don't worry, ladies. Just because he looks surprised doesn't mean you won't enjoy his thunder.

He's lean, mean, and as Frank White points out, "he carries a hot stick."




Oh.... And don't mind the constant gum chewing.

This man is Bubble-YUM!

He's BUBBLICIOUS!

He's, uh, Big League, uh, Wait, No Teeth, please!

Whatever.

What I'm trying to say is, he appreciates a good blow.

Wait... that's, um, that's not what I meant.



Yeah, there it is...

Okay.

I have to apologize for this post.

There is no tactful way to tie the Kansas City Royals to orgasms.

Or is there?

No.

No, there isn't.

Especially when most men's penises crawl back up inside them when they watch a Royals game.

Except, of course, when Billy's at bat.

BEGIN MICHEAL WINSLOW SOUND EFFECTS SEQUENCE/

**Wolf-whistle, bed squeaking, purring,
panting, barking, howling, rowboat lips,

WOW CHICKA WOW WOOOOW**

/END MICHEAL WINSLOW SOUND EFFECTS SEQUENCE

Go Royals! I'm The Gayest!

I mean, um, You're The Beast!

BEST!

Did I say Beast?

What's that even mean?

I meant Best.

What?

I did.

Don't be gay, dude.


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