July 7, 2010


Boy, the Mariners sure do suck, don't they?

It's too bad the Royals can't play them every series. Then again, it hasn't mattered who they've taken on the last couple weeks (unless it's a nationally televised game; of course they had to suck when people were actually watching).

Even with the minor hiccup of the ESPN game, the Royals have been one of the best teams in baseball lately. Timely hitting, good pitching (especially the bullpen, it's amazing how much better our relief corps does when Hillman isn't the one making the calls down there), and taking advantage of the other teams' mistakes, rather than the other way around.

I've been enjoying the games a lot more, feeling more optimistic, and as a result, the posting has really suffered. It's not that there aren't things I haven't thought about mocking.

For instance, I had a grand post set up where I argued that Frank White is basically the live-action version of Dr. Julius Hibbert.

It's not that I don't like him as an announcer (nobody does a better job of telling viewers whether the current moon phase is a waxing or waning gibbous), but his weird habit of filling dead air with giggling gets a little old. Though sometimes it becomes awesomely inappropriate, too. I won't attempt to re-create that post now because I'm extremely lazy.

Anywho, just thought I'd check in with the obligatory sweep post.

Which reminds me...

That's right, the Royals have swept Tony Pena, Jr.

Go Royals! You're the Best!

June 10, 2010


The Royals have been making a ridiculous push to get Billy Butler in the All-Star Game. They gave discounts at their team store for people that voted 100 times for Butler. They created "Vote For Billy" T-Shirts that weirdly feature a penis shooting through the "o" in "Vote." No, I don't have an image to back that claim up, but trust me, there's a dick on that shirt. Billy even came out to the media last week and said it was frustrating that playing in KC was keeping him from getting an All-Star appearance.

I don't blame the Royals for promoting one of their best players or for trying to make some money with their dick shirts.

Alright, you got me, I'll go ahead and post the shirt. I mean, for copyright reasons, I can't post the actual shirt. But this is pretty accurate.

Cover your eyes if you're sensitive.

Anyway, I don't blame the Royals for attempting to market somebody other than Greinke for once this year.

As for Billy's complaints about not getting any votes, I think it's a little ridiculous. He's been better than front-runner Mark Texiera this year, but he's not the best first baseman in the AL. He's not even the best first baseman in the AL Central. He's a really good player, but I understand why he won't be an All-Star this year. I can see him having a legitimate shot next year, but not now.

What's really funny is that the MLB site has campaign pages for all the players on the ballot, no matter how shitty, injured, or in the case of Ken Griffey, Jr., retired they are.

This means hilarious pictures like the following:

Wait a second... that last one is South Carolina's surprise Democratic-Senate-Primary-winner-and-soon-to-be-convicted-on-felony-porn-charges Alvin C. Greene!

And he's eligible at first base?

That seals it.

Billy Butler really has no chance this year.

Go Royals! 126-36! You're the Best!

May 20, 2010

What did one Indians Groundskeeper say to the other Indians Groundskeeper?

Five and two since the managerial change!

A sweep!

We'll ignore the fact that the Royals were playing two of the worst teams in the league. And we'll also ignore the fact that the sweep was only a two-game series.

Who cares?

Just bask in the wins.

Bask in the sudden competence of this team.

The Royals are out of last place.

And Trey Hillman isn't around to get a contract extension for the good week.

Thank God.

Go Royals! 137-25! You're the Best!

May 14, 2010

Better Know a Manager: Ned Yost

Welcome to the first installment of another series I will probably never continue after this initial post. That's right, Better Know A Manager!

First up, former Milwaukee Brewers skipper and current Royals Manager Ned Yost. He's a former catcher, playing six years in the majors for various clubs. He became acquainted with Dayton Moore during the 1990s when both worked for the Atlanta Braves. In 2003, Yost was given the opportunity to manage the moribund Brewers. Give or take a good year or two, Milwaukee had been near the bottom of the league since the mid-late 1980s (sound familiar?).

Yost completely changed the culture of the team, turning it into the post-season contender that we've seen for the last several years. Yost's exit from Milwaukee wasn't as illustrious as Hillman's from KC; in the midst of the 2008 playoff race, Yost was given his papers. The team went to the playoffs for the first time in over twenty-five years (sound familiar?), but without him.

Whether he will continue to be KC's manager next year may depend largely on how the the team performs over the remaining three-fourths of the season.

Alright, now that the background info is out of the way, let's have some fun. Let's get to know Ned Yost through a sampling of photos from his personal MySpace page.

See Ned:

 See Ned taking multiple pictures of himself in the mirror:

See Ned drink a beer and smoke a cigarette:

See Ned smoke a hookah:

See Ned play the evil T-1000 in the 1992 film Terminator 2: Judgment Day:

And finally:

See Ned drunk, nude and passed out on the toilet.


Who knew I had so much in common with a big league manager?

I almost always write this blog while drunk and nude on the toilet.

Royales with Cheese + Ned Yost = BFF!

Go Royals! You're the Yost!

May 13, 2010

Hillman's Reign of Terror is Over

Well that was quick. A couple of days after Moore told the media that Trey Hillman was the right man for the right job at the right time, he told Hillman to his face that he wasn't.

You know how pissed off I was in the post a couple of days ago? I feel the opposite. Some optimism has been restored. I know it's foolish to think we're contenders now (we aren't) but we're on the track back to respectability.

Royales with Cheese welcomes Ned Yost as the new manager of the Kansas City Royals. He's had some success as a manager in MLB, helping to make the Brewers relevant again. Here's hoping he can do the same for KC.

Go Royals! 139-23! You're the Best!

May 11, 2010

Hillman talks, Bullshit walks

“If you had told me at this point that we’d be 10 games under .500, I never would have believed it.” -- Trey Hillman


Dear Royals fans, are you surprised? Do you find this shocking? Can you come to grips with the fact that this is happening? The Royals are in last place? Not just ten games under .500, but also ten games off the leader in the division? Can you believe it? Can you? If you can't, I have some real estate you might be interested in. Larry Gura's house is still on the market. Hillman is an idiot if he thought this team wasn't capable of this record at this point.

Even more troubling:

“If you put a gun to my head and said point to one thing why you’re 10 games under .500-- we’re walking too many guys. That’s the bottom line.” -- Trey Hillman

The Royals pitchers are averaging over four walks a game, yes, but that isn't the one thing that points to why the Royals are ten games under .500. Hillman needs to get his head out of his ass and stop distilling this organization's issues down to one problem. The walks are certainly a problem, but it's one of many, many, many problems. And fixing the walks will not turn the season around.

A very partial list of other things that need fixed just as much as walks:

Hitting with Runners in Scoring Position. Getting the starters' ERA under 5.00. Getting the bullpen's ERA under 5.00. Getting some runs on days when Greinke is pitching. Noticing when opposing players fail to tag up on a fly-out that could end the inning. Not dropping pop-ups. Not letting Gil Meche throw 128 pitches in a game when that's the sort of thing that has obliterated his pitching arm multiple times in his career. Not using Willie Bloomquist as a pinch hitter. Not losing half your games by one run.

Let's go back to that quote, because I think we can use it to figure out the true bottom line.

“If you put a gun to my head and said point to one thing why you’re 10 games under .500-- we’re walking too many guys. That’s the bottom line.” -- Trey Hillman

Alright, I think I've got it.

He says, "If you put a gun to my head," but nobody is doing that. Nobody has ever done that. He's had no pressure on him to do anything for three years. There's an owner in Arkansas who could care less and there's a GM who is more concerned with populating the team with ex-Mariners than winning. Despite being one of the worst franchises in all of professional sports, no Royal personnel in a position of authority has been held accountable for anything the last two decades. Sure they want to be good. They want to win. But have they felt pressure to do so? Any heat? The Royals' laid-back attitude toward success is the bottom line, not the walks. The lack of fire, the lack of ambition, the lack of caring covers all of those things I mentioned above. They say they want to win. They say they want to compete, but they seem pretty damn content to just tread water. You don't just fall ass-backwards into success. You have to work your ass off to get it. And I don't think there are enough people in this organization that understand that concept.

You want some proof? Let's see what the boss man has to say:

"I think Trey's done a terrific job. We all are evaluated and he evaluates himself harder than anybody else." --Dayton Moore

Who cares if he gives himself a C or a D on his phony-baloney internal report card? He gets to keep his job. He gets to keep being a major league manager because his boss thinks he's "terrific."

Here's Hillman's final take on this season:

"Things will fall into place." -- Trey Hillman

Right. You gotta love optimism bred through failure. A belief in success due to inaction.

Things will come to a head over these next two weeks. The Royals get to play teams just as bad as them: the Indians, White Sox, and Orioles. Here's where things will get interesting.

Will they feast on these teams, get themselves out of last in the division, and provide Dayton Moore, Trey Hillman, and the Royals fanbase with more stupid false hope, delaying the firing of Hillman or any moves that could actually make the team better?

Will they continue to suck? Prove they just aren't that good by losing to some truly terrible teams? Fall even deeper into disrepair? Get Hillman's ass on the chopping block?

Does it even matter?

Being a Royals fan is like being a Nihilist. Each game is more meaningless than the last.

Leopold Von Sacher-Masoch and Friedrich Nietzsche-- Balls Out  Royals Fanatics
Even the good times are drenched in ennui.

Go Royals! 141-21! You're the Best!

April 8, 2010

Larry the Gura Guy

I have some good news, my friends. I just got an e-mail from none other than former Royal Larry Gura offering me a fantastic deal!

Here is the e-mail, in full (though feel free to skim it, as Larry is no poet):

From: [turaluragura@royals-hof.net]
To: [royaleswithcheese@gmail.com]
Subject: Important OFFER
Date: Thu, 8 Apr 2010 08:35:36 +0100
Dear Chees Royales,
First, I must solicit your strictest confidence in this
transaction; this is by virtue of its nature as being
utterly confidential and top secret. I am MR. LARRY GURA,
member of the Kansas Royals hall of baseball fame. I have
decided to contact you about a business transaction that
will be very benifical to both of us at the final end of
the transaction's completion. I am charged with the duties
of implementation, execution and monitoring of all Royals
hall of baseball related projects in the country. I came
to know of your name and in my search for a reliable and
low-key, trust worth person to handle a very confidential
transaction based on unflinching trust and comittment, as
we have not met before. This transaction involves the
transfer of huge sum of foreign exchange (United States
Dollars) to a real estate account. Your person is reccommend to me as viable and capable champion of magnitude in business. In the 2008 financial year, the Local Business of Kansas Royal, United States, allocated the sum of US$487 million to my account as budgetary allocation. Within the year thousands of MR. LARRY GURA bobblehead figurines were manufactured as stadium memorabilia and all these memorabilia were duly paid for. But in all we were not able to exhaust our budgetary allocation. Therefore there are still some excess funds left. These excess funds are now allocated in the mansion of MR. LARRY GURA in Buckner the township of Missouri. I have decided to keep this excess amount for ourselves but can't not use this allocation of funds in the Buckner, Missouri for fear of visual confirmation by the Kansas City Royal, United States.If the money is returned to this organizaedtion, treasury my future allocation will be reduced or worse still, the money will beembezzled by officials of our apex bank (Royals Mastercard).
This money is currently lying in a hayloft wall in my Buckner of Missouri township mansion. As a former baseballer of Royals baseball, I are prohibited by the Code of Conduct Bureau (David Glass) from opening or operating a new account and or dealing in exchange in my, MR. LARRY GURA, name, so I cannot directly acquire the money without leaving the area in a non-suspiciuous mode. I have therefore been mandated as a matter of trust by my realtor to look for a partner to whom we could transfer the property of Buckner of township mansion for US$750_000. Consequently, I am willing to transfer the building of hayloft wall mansion total amount to you as payment for consultancy services rendered to me for subsequent disbursement. In return we have agreed to offer you this Buckner mansion for no money and 30% of the US$329 million, while 10% shall be set aside for incidental expenses (internal and external and closing costs and mortgage loan fees) accrued between the parties in the course of the transaction and 60% for me. When you are resident in Buckner of township Missouri home, we will complete the beneficial transaction for the two of us. All logistics are in place and all modalities worked out for the smooth conclusion of the transaction within ten to fourteen days of commencement. It is imperative to bear in mind that having put 9 years in service of the Baseball Kansas Royals, I am averse to having my image dented.This matter should therefore be treated with utmost secrecy and urgency. Kindly expedite action by contacting me and indicating your interest in this transaction in order for me to give you full details. Please I am urgently waiting your response.
Regards, Larry Gura.

So, the way I read this e-mail is that Larry Gura has a buttload of money in a hayloft or something in Buckner, Missouri, and that if I can buy his old house, I'll get my money back, the property, and 30% of all that money that the Royals had left over after manufacturing his bobblehead doll.

Here's the problem, though, guys: I don't have $750,000 to buy Gura's house. I mean, I went and looked at the property online, and it looks pretty sweet, but I just don't have the money.

DAMMIT. I WISH I HAD $750,000! I'd buy that place right now!


Maybe some of my fellow Royals fans would be willing to pool our money together to buy Gura's old house? It has five bedrooms... I'd only really need one of those for me and my wife. Rolling green pasture, a see-through fireplace, a bar, a large master suite, a walnut grove, a hot tub, an indoor putting green. It's the Fort Osage school district, if that matters. I hear Buckner might get a Quizno's soon. That would be cool.

Oh c'mon, who am I kidding?

The place doesn't matter. Think of the hundreds of millions of dollars in that fucking hayloft!

We gotta do it guys. We gotta buy Larry Gura's house!


No? You don't want to?

Alright, I didn't want to have to do this...

I'll be honest.

This isn't my first run-in with Larry Gura. I'm pretty worried about what he'll do to me if I ignore his e-mail.

I mean, the dude has a green belt in Tae Kwon Do.

You don't want to mess with that.

Still nobody interested?

For God's sake, guys, I'm serious. You've gotta help me.


You read the e-mail. The dude's insane!

He'll hurt me! He's done it before!


What was that?

Oh God.

Oh my God.

He's... he's in my house.

He's here.

Please help me.

No Gura! Stay away!

Stop, Gura!





Go Royals! 161-1! You're the Best!

April 4, 2010

Are You Afraid of the Snark?

Submitted for the approval of The Midnight Society, I call this "The Tale of the Bullshit Blogger."

As the seasons wear on and the blogosphere booms and busts, booms and busts, the shocking number of people wasting their lives writing about the Kansas City Royals just continues to grow. And as this group grows, I find myself with less and less to say that isn't already being said. Never has a team as poor as the Royals been given so much attention. Sure, they aren't on television, really. Or the radio. Or even in the newspaper. But all those mediums are dying. Who cares if they aren't in the paper? The paper sucks, anyway. Where the Royals are ubiquitous, though, is the blog.

You've got guys liveblogging games. You've got guys getting into heated arguments over insignificant players like Brian Anderson and Edgar Osuna. You've got guys adopting my schtick, but with more cursing and less affection. Hell, even the Royals themselves have a blog.

What's left for me? Where do I fit in? Why am I bothering coming back for another season of middling, infrequent posting about this organization?

I don't know. I honestly don't know.

The team isn't going to be much fun this season. Even in the worst years, I've always had a befuddling amount of optimism. Not this time, though. The team looks terrible this year. Maybe worse than last year. Probably worse than last year. Definitely worse than last year.

But I'll keep this blog alive. I'll keep posting. I'll throw some magic dust on the fire and spin tales of madness, depravity, and morality aimed at eight to twelve year old kids with nothing better to do on Saturday nights. And maybe I'll recruit some young upstarts, some Ren and Stimpys and Alex Macks and Pete and Petes, to help me out around here.

If nothing else, I can promise you this: The blog will be wildly inconsistent.

Referencing SNICK in my first post of the year for no apparent reason should be proof of that.

Go Royals! 162-0! You're the Best!

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