April 8, 2010

Larry the Gura Guy

I have some good news, my friends. I just got an e-mail from none other than former Royal Larry Gura offering me a fantastic deal!

Here is the e-mail, in full (though feel free to skim it, as Larry is no poet):

From: [turaluragura@royals-hof.net]
To: [royaleswithcheese@gmail.com]
Subject: Important OFFER
Date: Thu, 8 Apr 2010 08:35:36 +0100
Dear Chees Royales,
First, I must solicit your strictest confidence in this
transaction; this is by virtue of its nature as being
utterly confidential and top secret. I am MR. LARRY GURA,
member of the Kansas Royals hall of baseball fame. I have
decided to contact you about a business transaction that
will be very benifical to both of us at the final end of
the transaction's completion. I am charged with the duties
of implementation, execution and monitoring of all Royals
hall of baseball related projects in the country. I came
to know of your name and in my search for a reliable and
low-key, trust worth person to handle a very confidential
transaction based on unflinching trust and comittment, as
we have not met before. This transaction involves the
transfer of huge sum of foreign exchange (United States
Dollars) to a real estate account. Your person is reccommend to me as viable and capable champion of magnitude in business. In the 2008 financial year, the Local Business of Kansas Royal, United States, allocated the sum of US$487 million to my account as budgetary allocation. Within the year thousands of MR. LARRY GURA bobblehead figurines were manufactured as stadium memorabilia and all these memorabilia were duly paid for. But in all we were not able to exhaust our budgetary allocation. Therefore there are still some excess funds left. These excess funds are now allocated in the mansion of MR. LARRY GURA in Buckner the township of Missouri. I have decided to keep this excess amount for ourselves but can't not use this allocation of funds in the Buckner, Missouri for fear of visual confirmation by the Kansas City Royal, United States.If the money is returned to this organizaedtion, treasury my future allocation will be reduced or worse still, the money will beembezzled by officials of our apex bank (Royals Mastercard).
This money is currently lying in a hayloft wall in my Buckner of Missouri township mansion. As a former baseballer of Royals baseball, I are prohibited by the Code of Conduct Bureau (David Glass) from opening or operating a new account and or dealing in exchange in my, MR. LARRY GURA, name, so I cannot directly acquire the money without leaving the area in a non-suspiciuous mode. I have therefore been mandated as a matter of trust by my realtor to look for a partner to whom we could transfer the property of Buckner of township mansion for US$750_000. Consequently, I am willing to transfer the building of hayloft wall mansion total amount to you as payment for consultancy services rendered to me for subsequent disbursement. In return we have agreed to offer you this Buckner mansion for no money and 30% of the US$329 million, while 10% shall be set aside for incidental expenses (internal and external and closing costs and mortgage loan fees) accrued between the parties in the course of the transaction and 60% for me. When you are resident in Buckner of township Missouri home, we will complete the beneficial transaction for the two of us. All logistics are in place and all modalities worked out for the smooth conclusion of the transaction within ten to fourteen days of commencement. It is imperative to bear in mind that having put 9 years in service of the Baseball Kansas Royals, I am averse to having my image dented.This matter should therefore be treated with utmost secrecy and urgency. Kindly expedite action by contacting me and indicating your interest in this transaction in order for me to give you full details. Please I am urgently waiting your response.
Regards, Larry Gura.

So, the way I read this e-mail is that Larry Gura has a buttload of money in a hayloft or something in Buckner, Missouri, and that if I can buy his old house, I'll get my money back, the property, and 30% of all that money that the Royals had left over after manufacturing his bobblehead doll.

Here's the problem, though, guys: I don't have $750,000 to buy Gura's house. I mean, I went and looked at the property online, and it looks pretty sweet, but I just don't have the money.

DAMMIT. I WISH I HAD $750,000! I'd buy that place right now!


Maybe some of my fellow Royals fans would be willing to pool our money together to buy Gura's old house? It has five bedrooms... I'd only really need one of those for me and my wife. Rolling green pasture, a see-through fireplace, a bar, a large master suite, a walnut grove, a hot tub, an indoor putting green. It's the Fort Osage school district, if that matters. I hear Buckner might get a Quizno's soon. That would be cool.

Oh c'mon, who am I kidding?

The place doesn't matter. Think of the hundreds of millions of dollars in that fucking hayloft!

We gotta do it guys. We gotta buy Larry Gura's house!


No? You don't want to?

Alright, I didn't want to have to do this...

I'll be honest.

This isn't my first run-in with Larry Gura. I'm pretty worried about what he'll do to me if I ignore his e-mail.

I mean, the dude has a green belt in Tae Kwon Do.

You don't want to mess with that.

Still nobody interested?

For God's sake, guys, I'm serious. You've gotta help me.


You read the e-mail. The dude's insane!

He'll hurt me! He's done it before!


What was that?

Oh God.

Oh my God.

He's... he's in my house.

He's here.

Please help me.

No Gura! Stay away!

Stop, Gura!





Go Royals! 161-1! You're the Best!

April 4, 2010

Are You Afraid of the Snark?

Submitted for the approval of The Midnight Society, I call this "The Tale of the Bullshit Blogger."

As the seasons wear on and the blogosphere booms and busts, booms and busts, the shocking number of people wasting their lives writing about the Kansas City Royals just continues to grow. And as this group grows, I find myself with less and less to say that isn't already being said. Never has a team as poor as the Royals been given so much attention. Sure, they aren't on television, really. Or the radio. Or even in the newspaper. But all those mediums are dying. Who cares if they aren't in the paper? The paper sucks, anyway. Where the Royals are ubiquitous, though, is the blog.

You've got guys liveblogging games. You've got guys getting into heated arguments over insignificant players like Brian Anderson and Edgar Osuna. You've got guys adopting my schtick, but with more cursing and less affection. Hell, even the Royals themselves have a blog.

What's left for me? Where do I fit in? Why am I bothering coming back for another season of middling, infrequent posting about this organization?

I don't know. I honestly don't know.

The team isn't going to be much fun this season. Even in the worst years, I've always had a befuddling amount of optimism. Not this time, though. The team looks terrible this year. Maybe worse than last year. Probably worse than last year. Definitely worse than last year.

But I'll keep this blog alive. I'll keep posting. I'll throw some magic dust on the fire and spin tales of madness, depravity, and morality aimed at eight to twelve year old kids with nothing better to do on Saturday nights. And maybe I'll recruit some young upstarts, some Ren and Stimpys and Alex Macks and Pete and Petes, to help me out around here.

If nothing else, I can promise you this: The blog will be wildly inconsistent.

Referencing SNICK in my first post of the year for no apparent reason should be proof of that.

Go Royals! 162-0! You're the Best!

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