November 22, 2012

Happy XGiving!

Hello Sports Fans!

Welcome to a Special Thanksgiving Edition of Royales With Cheese. The 2012 MLB season is just behind us, and your Kansas City Royals already have a can't-miss recipe for success simmering on the hot stove. We now know the newest ingredient. RHP Jeremy Guthrie has been signed to a new 3-year contract! Who cares if the haters say the Royals overpaid? The impeccable timing gives us a great opportunity to celebrate both the Royals' second biggest off-season move, but also to parody the greatest Thanksgiving album cover of all time! 

Tune in to 101 The Fox at noon to hear the original Arlo Guthrie classic! At least, I think they still do this. If they don't and instead play Aerosmith's Walk This Way for the billionth time, I apologize. 

Anyway, we love the move. It ensures two important things. The Royals will improve just enough to keep us interested, but not so much that this blog becomes obsolete.

Plus, Guthrie is a known Twitter enthusiast. Bonus!

So, be thankful, Royals fans! The wheels are in motion. In the meantime, in true RWC fashion, we have a new batch of Royals e-cards to share for the holiday. As you reflect on what you are thankful for this weekend, see what some of your favorite past and present Royals have on their minds:

Happy Thanksgiving!

See You in 2013! Or when the Royals trade Billy Butler. Whichever comes first.

Go Royals, You're The Best!

September 26, 2012

Royals vs. Cards: The Chronicle of Higher Neducation

Every time my wife sees Ned Yost, she says the same thing:

"He looks like George W. Bush."

I can see it, of course. But I'd say he looks more like the Will Ferrell version of George W. Bush. Or maybe Timothy Bottoms.

Her comment got me to wondering recently, though, about how Ned looked as a player. I was alive during his playing career, but I couldn't really remember ever seeing him play. Thank God for the Internet. After spending about thirty seconds dicking around on Google Image Search, I had my answer: Yost's appearance as a player was clearly defined by three separate eras.

And here they be, through the magic of Royals vs. Cards--

The Thrashozoic Era: 1979-1983

You're probably wondering why I would call this the Thrashozoic Era... 

Well, during this period, Ned greatly resembled young up-and-coming film actor Josh Brolin. You may know Brolin from The Goonies and from more recent films like True Grit and No Country For Old Men. But to me, he'll always be skateboaring wunderkind Cory Webster from 1986's Thrashin', possibly the greatest film ever made about dueling skateboard gangs.

W. Connection:
Interestingly enough, Brolin would go on to portray George W. Bush in Oliver Stone's W, a movie that should have been much better than Thrashin', but sadly was not.

Mustachopotamia: 1984-1986

 For just two short years in the mid-80s, Ned Yost rocked some beautiful upper lip plumage. His thick, glorious stache was like Sam Elliot, Robert Goulet, and Super Mario all rolled into one. Of course, this time in history was the height of the mustache's popularity, buoyed by John Oates and Tom Selleck.  How the hell could Ned resist?

W. Connection:  
Ned sported the stache as a Texas Ranger, the team that George W. Bush would buy just a few years later.

The Nerdolithic Era: 1987-1990

I'm guessing he was playing more D & D than baseball at this point in his career.

 But he wasn't just a nerd during this time. He was occasionally a scary nerd. This last card below, right before he was about to crap out as a minor leaguer and give coaching a try, is the kind of picture you typically see in a news bulletin about a registered sex offender:

W. Connection: 
George W. Bush's term in office directly followed the presidency of registered sex offender William Jefferson Clinton.

And there you have it.

Go Edgar! You're the Yost!

September 21, 2012

Hudler's World

He's demonstrated oppage with authority. He hasn't let paralysis by analysis set in. He's hacked so we can't send him back. He's been a humble, ride-the-pine-for-nine guy. And he's held a baseball in his hand for six straight months. The man has paid his dues. 

Come on. You knew this was coming.

It was only a matter of time before Rex Hudler was enshrined in the Royals Museum of Art.

The artist commissioned for this piece is 68-year-old Frik Bartram, an obscure painter and old hippie whose art most identifies with the Regionalism Movement. Toiling away in an old corn crib barn turned art studio near the tiny Iowa township of Dundee, Bartram has recently been gaining attention for magnificent parodies of well-known works of art. His Hudler piece, rendered in brilliant tempera on a large canvas, is sure to be one of the cornerstone works on display at the Royals Museum of Art.

We now present to you Splintered, 32¼" × 47¾".

While Hudler's face isn't shown, it's unmistakably him. He lies in a stark landscape, his legs underneath him, clutching his baseball, staring at the ballfield positioned far away on the horizon. His lonely desperation to stay in the game, to remain in some capacity in the sport that once defined him, is apparent. The familiarity of the game, of its cliches, is his only nourishment. He was a failure as a ballplayer, a first-round draft pick who was nothing more than a little-used utility man, and he wishes he had been better. He overcompensates as an announcer, bloviating at every turn, making his failure in this second baseball career all the more devastating. A field of dreams? Hardly.

Mr. Bartram, this truly is a masterpiece.

Go Art! You're the Best!

September 18, 2012

Playing My Trump E-Card

Hey Royals fans!  It's becoming a real pain in the ass to come up with posts every week, so I took the easy way out and threw together another batch of ecards! 

Don't say I never did anything for you.

Remember that you can click on any of these cards to be taken to, and from there you can get the code to post these on facebook or twitter.

Let's do this:



Go Easy Posts! You're the Best!

September 11, 2012

We Shall Never Forget

Today is a special day, Royals fans! It's Mike Moustakas's 24th birthday! Understandably, yet unfortunately, however, Mike's birthday will once again be overshadowed by the anniversary of September 11, 2001. 

You see, because of terrorism, Mike Moustakas hasn't been able to celebrate his birthday since he was a pre-teen.

Because of terrorism, every year MLB guilt trips us into buying these shitty hats:

Because of terrorism, we have to listen to an American Idol reject sing God Bless America every Sunday afternoon 7th Inning Stretch instead of enjoying the Limbo presented by Jose Cuervo.

 But this isn't about the limbo. Don't change the subject. This is about Mike Moustakas. The chosen one. On that fateful Tuesday morning, he vowed to make the terrorists pay by one day becoming a major league third baseman that for some reason wears a single blue sleeve on his right arm. He's paid the ultimate price for his country by agreeing to play for the Kansas City Royals. Today, we honor him.

Happy Birthday Mike!

Go America! You're The Best!

September 7, 2012

Thank GIF it's Friday!

Hey there, Royals fans! It's been quite a week of watching the Royals lose painfully to the Rangers. 


I'm guessing a lot of you spent this week watching political bullshit or a Dallas Cowboys' victory or the VMAs or Here Comes Honey Boo Boo or something else that's as equally depressing as a September Royals game.

So how about a GIF pick-me-up?  Here's Rex Hudler prepping his chapped lips for some master wordsmithing last night:

It's either that or he's re-enacting a scene from his favorite movie, Silence of the Lambs.  Is he wearing a patchwork suit made of his victims' skin underneath that Croft & Barrow dress shirt? 

I don't want to jump to conclusions, but I think the answer is likely yes. Absolutely he is. Let's call him Buffalo Rex from now on.

Have a good weekend, everyone!  Don't stare at Rex's tongue for too long!

Go Royals! You're the Best!
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