February 29, 2012

And we're back.

So, as you've probably noticed, this site is back. I mean, it never went away. It just stopped being updated. Uh, for nineteen straight months. Yep. But let's cut the semantics. For the purposes of this post (see the title), WE ARE BACK.

How can I be so sure?  How do I know this wasn't just one random good week preceding the site going dormant for another nineteen months?

I came up with a plan.

This has been a one-man operation from the start, but as I descended into alcoholism, Alien-hand syndrome, and porn-addiction (which, incidentally, is a lot more fun if you also have Alien-hand syndrome), I didn't have the time, energy, or inspiration to keep posting.

That's changing.

I recruited a crack team of RWC Bloggers, each more cunning and brilliant than the last. And I think it's time to introduce these fine, Cheese-blogging folks:

There's me.  JR.  Some people think I chose that moniker because of great men like Jackie Robinson or John R. Cash.  They're wrong.  I go by JR because I'm actually a Junior.

Freddie Prinze, Jr.

Now you know my secret shame.


Here's AC.  He's already posted twice in the last week, and I've found his work to be absolutely breathtaking thus far.  Did I mention I like to huff paint while reading his posts?


I like to huff paint while reading his posts.

Give it a try.  It's fun and completely safe!


Then there's Neil.  He hasn't posted yet, but I expect big things from him.

Big, big, big, big, big....


big things.

Or small.

Likely very small.


We also have these guys.  I'm not even going to tell you their names, as I have a feeling none of them will ever post one thing to this blog. I've begged them to, but they seem apathetic.  It's tragic, really, that they have chosen to deny the world of their hilarious takes on the Royals. Maybe they'll surprise us.

And last but certainly not least...

He's more qualified than any of us to write on the Royals because he is, in fact, a former Royal. Unfortunately, he's already told me he doesn't plan to do any posts about the actual team.

His passion, he says, is film. 

His name is Emil. Along with KC, he played for five other teams in his big-league career.  However, his most notable accomplishment may be shooting Karen Kornacki in the face with a pellet gun.

He's been out of baseball since 2009, and he actually reached out to me begging that I revive the site and bring him on as an unpaid intern. How could I say know to that face?

I can't wait for his review of Bio-Dome.

Well, there you have it.  The team.  We look forward to posting so frequently that you actually get sick of us and pine for the days when we'd go weeks without posting.  Because we're passive-aggressive like that. 

Go Royals!  You're the Best!

February 25, 2012

A Lesson in Chentax

Over the last few weeks, the sports world has gone absolutely bitchcakes over a young upstart named Jeremy Lin.  The young Knickerbocker has made waves for five reasons:

1) He's Asian-American
2) He plays for a team located in the biggest city in the United States.
3) He's played for six pro or semi-pro teams in the last two years.
4) Our culture is a vast wasteland.
5) Tim Tebow is unavailable to deify for at least another five months.

Lin has played well in his short time, but the attention his story has gotten is absurd. He's been on the cover of TIME and two straight covers of Sports Illustrated.  He's been called a racist term on ESPN's front page.  He has a Ben & Jerry's Ice Cream flavor.

Again, this is absolutely bitchcakes. 

But it's not unprecedented.  Lin and the aforementioned Tebow have garnered the spotlight of late, but it wasn't so long ago that the Royals' own Bruce Chen was experiencing a similar ascension to media icon.

Here's just a sampling of headlines from the past few seasons:

As you can see, it started innocently enough.  Just some dumb puns where "in" was replaced with "Chen."  But then a funny thing started happening.  You can only say "Chensatiable" or "Chentense" so many times before the words lose all meaning.  The writers started reaching a bit:

Yahoo's subtle racism was no match for ESPN, though, the Worldwide Leader of Chenappropriate Headlines.  In fact, the recent ESPN headline with Jeremy Lin was nearly identical to one that ran in September of 2010.  It's surprising they would let this happen again.

Of course, that wasn't the end of the ridiculous Chen wordplay.  I must warn our more sensitive readers to not peruse the following graphic headlines:

Despicable. But the worst offender, unsurprisingly, wasn't from traditional media. No, the worst was spotted on social media website Twitter, and the tweet actually came from one of Chen's teammates, Royals second baseman Chris Getz:

And there you have it. The unlikely ascension of Bruce Chen and the devastating consequences of pun-based wordplay.  Chen the future, we must be vigilant Chen our resistance to these Chensulting tactics.  These Chenfections of the language only serve to  damage our collective Chentelligence.  We must (and I must) Chend this already.

Go Royals!  One-Hundred-Sixty-Chen and O!  You're the Best!

February 24, 2012

The Help

Well, this pretty much sums up the offseason.

Explain to me again why the Royals will be better than last year.

Because the Royals are the best!

Oh yeah.

Go Royals, You're the Best!

February 23, 2012

All Aboard!

Yo, Eric Hosmer don't want no bandwagon fans this year. I mean, that's basically what he said on Twitter yesterday. And while this warning is entirely too premature, and will inevitably be mocked at some point during the season, I have to applaud his confidence. It's true that no one has been this excited about the Royals since Garth Brooks came to spring training or they signed prized free agent pitcher Mark Redman.

Still, after Hosmer's tweet, you might be wondering: Should I get on the bandwagon? Am I already on the bandwagon? Do I deserve to be on the bandwagon?

Well friends, fortunately Royales With Cheese is here to help. We've established simple, yet effective criteria for determining your current eligibility.

You probably belong on the bandwagon if you:

- Have ever seen the Royals play on the road
- Have ever seen Rey Sanchez or Brent Mayne hit a home run (in person)
- Have ever traveled to Spring Training
- Have preferred to play as the Royals in any baseball video game of the past 20 years
- Recognize the names Donnie Sadler and Mac Suzuki

Meanwhile, you probably DON'T belong on the bandwagon if you:

- Have ever attended a T-Bones game
- Have taken your son to a Royals game because he wanted to see Derek Jeter play
- Have tried to start the wave prior to the 3rd inning
- Have ever referred to the stadium scoreboard or video board as the "Megatron" (sorry Mom)
- Have ever boycotted the team because of the 1994 labor strike, high ticket prices or the inability to bring a 3 course dinner into the stadium (sorry Dad)

That about does 'er. All aboard the 2012 Royals Bandwagon!

Go Royals! You're the Best!

February 21, 2012

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