March 30, 2012

Major Announcement

 Frank White has been replaced by two more Ryan Lefebvres!

Like the goddamn Invasion of the Forehead Snatchers, isn't it?

Just kidding.

Surprisingly, comparing these two guys to Ryan Lefebvre is actually an insult to Ryan Lefebvre.

I know.

Very unexpected.

Which brings us to this week's edition of Michael Tucker's OMG Moment.

OMG! Can you believe how colossally bad at talking Rex Hudler is? It's like he's never actually been on TV (or AM radio or a telephone or any device) ever in his life.  He's awkward.  He says "uhhhh" every other word.  He has a weird, forced enthusiastic tone that completely fails to jive with the monosyllabic words coming out of his food-hole.

Enthusiasm does not cover up the fact you know very little about this team or its players, or (somehow) baseball in general, Rex.  In fact, it tends to enhance how moronic your comments actually are.

Now I assume the broadcasts will become less grating as the season wears on and Rex actually learns something about the sport he's paid to describe for a living, but Good God man, tonight was a chore for viewers.

To be fair, though, amid the idiotic and breathy dipshit comments, at one point he did make an extremely profound statement that I think we all benefited from hearing:

"Fukudome is Japanese, you know."




You know.

Anyway, so that is Hudler.

A panting, stupid mess.

Steve Physioc (whose name I prefer to write out as Fizzyock and will likely do so forevermore) wasn't actually that bad.  Sure, he wears a phony announcer voice, but at least he doesn't make dipshit comments every 1.3 seconds like Rex Hudler.

By the way, Rex, you have a dog's name.

Grow the fuck up.

Anyway, back to Fizzyock.  I actually didn't mind him.  His phony announcing voice is fine.  What kills me about him is his hilarious talent (or lack thereof) of transitioning between points of discussion and game action and running the broadcast.

"Starting lineups brought to you by Ford, whom you might remember invented the assembly line, and that's just what these Royals are doing tonight, assembling themselves into a lineup written out in Sharpie by Ned Yost whom, now that Getz has popped out to short, we'll be talking to when we come back at the top of the inning."


Listen to his transitions.

Sometimes decent, mostly awful and hilariously tenuous in their connections, but altogether delightful.

And I guess Rex (so God help me, I think that really is his birth name) Hudler is kind of entertaining too, though in the Roger-Corman-Troll-2-Birdemic-Shock-&-Terror-Godfather-Part-III-Showgirls-Transformers sort of way.  

So the OMG Analysis comes down to this:

Rex Hudler is awful, though perhaps an amusing trainwreck.

Steve Fizzyock is okay but makes awkward transitions.

Ryan Lefebvre tells dumb stories and lame jokes, but we're used to him.

Bob Davis has a reduced presence, thank the almighty Christ.

Frank White, for all his awkward giggling, shilling of Pepsi Max, and information about moon phases, will be missed more than I anticipated.

Denny Mathews is a legend, and sadly may not be around when this team is any good.

And there you have it.

As Michael Tucker would say, "Oh my Golly!"

Go Royals TV Announcers!  You all look alike!

March 29, 2012

We're All Cainsians Now

Remember Melky Cabrera? Me neither.

The Internet is buzzing about the Royals new center fielder, Lorenzo Cain,
and rightfully so. After a solid year in Omaha and an impressive spring, Lorenzo looks as ready for the big leagues as anyone can. Most people agree he's an upgrade in center, but I for one expect him to have a great year at the plate, too.

In any case, Lorenzo Cain isn't just a promising young ball player. He represents a shift in economic thinking for the entire franchise. It's called Cainsianism. Cainsianism is all about athleticism, the circular flow, maximizing aggregate run output and a willingness to plunge the franchise into debt in order to capture the new Wild Card spot.

Behold, Lord Cain.

Now, I know what you're thinking. The Royals have implemented a number of harebrained economic theories in the past, and they all sucked. Alright, that's fair. But trust me, this will be nothing like the Chili Davis Hypothesis, The Kevin Koslofski Balanced Growth Theory, The Seitzer-Pecota Thesis, The Terry Shumpertarian Growth Model or the unmentionable Carlos Febles Theory of Conspicuous Consumption.

Those were horrible mistakes. We need this, guys, just look at the chart:

It makes sense.

Either way, I expect the Royals blogosphere will look back on the day that Lorenzo Cain takes the field this season as THE turning point for the team. Finally we can say goodbye to the days of David Glass’s destructive saving, small ball, contact hitters like Scott Pose and managers with no sideburns like Tony Muser.

So, say it loud. Say it proud.

We're All Cainsians Now!

March 28, 2012

Get the Picture

Alex Gordon is many things.






 And yes....


Go Royals! You're the Best!

March 26, 2012

When you don't care enough to send the very best.

In our continuing search for easy posts, we've jumped on the bandwagon and made a bunch of Royals-related e-cards.  We doubt we're the first to do this, and we likely won't be the last.

Feel free to click on any of the cards, as doing so will take you to that card's page where you can send it along to a fellow Royals sufferer.

Please to enjoy:





Go Royals!  You're the Best!

March 25, 2012

The Main Event

With Johnny Giavotella being optioned to AAA today, we are left with two contenders for second base.

The Royals would have us believe that the two will be "sharing second."

That's ridiculous. One of these bumsticks has to start on Opening Day. Who will it be? Getz is an above average defender, but he can't hit. Yuni is a giant Cuban turd, but Yost is in love with him.

There's only one way to settle this.

Ladies and Gentleman,

Welcome to the Main Event.

** WARNING: Homo-curious image ahead **

We've got a real slobberknocker on our hands. Every routine grounder matters. Every bunt, every sac fly, every HBP could be the one that puts someone over the top. And at the end, we'll be guaranteed a second baseman that no one likes.

I was going to make a joke suggesting the Royals contact Mark Grudzielanek, but it turns out they did! He was so pissed about finishing next-to-last in the Mark Madness poll that he told them to fuck off.

12 days till the opener and we already know we'll get no offense from the C, SS, 3B and 2B.

Can't wait.

Go Royals. You're the Best!

March 24, 2012

Operation Inboxer

This is a first in our blog's history.  A loyal reader sent us a bit of fan mail.

I know.  

I was shocked too.

Regardless, I doubt it will ever happen again, so I've decided to post it in its entirety.

Dear Royales With Cheese--

What's up with Chen?  I think he really has Chenital Warts, just like you said a few weeks ago.

I am glad this blog is back. I remember reading it a long time ago when your slogan was "True. Blue. Balls." That was funny.  It was also funny when you showed Daniel Cortes naked on a toilet.  That was probably the funniest post you ever did, even though you didn't say anything funny on it. 
I am almost done with my first year at Maple Woods, which is famous for having Albert Pujols play here for a year, but my favorite thing about our school is that Alberto Callaspo got a DUI from our campus security once. Anyway, I was supposed to be doing a paper this week, but instead I spent like three hours making a dumb picture, just like you do at this blog.  When I finished, I didn't know what to do with it, so I'm sending it to you.  Maybe you can post it, but you probably won't.  Keep up the good work. 

Go Royals!  You're the Best!

--Ray Welch

Attached to the e-mail was this image:

First of all, thanks for the e-mail, Ray, and thanks for sending along the image.  

Fortunately, I had managed to block out the memory of that movie for the last decade or so, but your image brought it all flooding back: Robin Williams as a giant child who doesn't act much differently than Robin Williams as a man; Jennifer Lopez in one of her early roles as a Hispanic character; Bill Cosby playing a tutor in his greatest role since Ghost Dad; light comedy burdened by the pathos demanded in nearly every mainstream Robin Williams movie since Dead Poet's Society; a hokey epilogue that tells us to follow our dreams while ignoring the fact that Jack is going to die like a year or two later; basically, what I'm saying is I bet Emil Brown loves this terrible movie.

As for the image itself, the idea and execution are pretty good, and looking it over did inspire quite a few questions for me.

For instance--

How likely is it that if Soria chooses to retire, numerous Royals will go to his house and take turns yelling, "Can Jack come out and play?" until he acquiesces and returns to the team?

Whose fall from grace was more depressing?  Joakim Soria or Francis Ford Coppola?

Which is more interminable?  Recovering from Tommy John surgery or watching any Robin Williams movie not called World's Greatest Dad?

Which award is more often given to someone undeserving?  An all-star appearance or an Oscar? 

Do you think Robin Williams ever did blow with Willie Wilson?

Why didn't Ray consider modifying a Dead Man Walking poster?  It would be a similarly dated reference, but Dead Man Joakim is a pretty good pun and at least people remember that movie.

In any case, I thank you for the image and the e-mail, Ray.  I hope you did okay on that paper. Stay in school, and maybe someday you too will be an amateur blogger like me.

And if the rest of you readers would like to provide our blog with any free content or you just want to tell us how awesome we are, send it along to RoyalesWithCheese at gmail dot com, or post it to our facebook or twitter.  Or if you want to tell us how much we suck, that might be kind of funny, too.  Either way, you just might see it posted here along with some of our patented lazy snark. 

Go Ray!  You're the Best!

March 23, 2012

The Linen/Silk Anniversary

The history of Royals baseball is littered with infamous dates that mark tragic turns of events and missteps that set the team back years, decimated the fan base, and made the organization a laughingstock.

Those of us who remain fans attempt to expunge these dates from our minds and suppress these memories, usually through burning Ken Harvey jerseys and indulging in dangerous amounts of grain-based alcohol, but RWC is not willing to just let these travesties go.  Because according to every 8th grade Social Studies teacher/track and field coach in America, those who forget the past are doomed to repeat it.

That's why we're starting a new series in which we'll look back at these awful dates in Royals history.  For our first post in this series, we shall look back at March 23, 2007, exactly four years ago.

Let's crack open our handy reference guide:

Poor Pichardo's Almanack, first published in 1759 by an ancestor of Hipolito Pichardo, originally focused on Dominican culture, climate, and agriculture.  Most of the early editions contain far too much information about the optimal harvesting time for plantains and cheapest methods of rum production.  Beginning in the 1940s, it became strictly a guide to the best meringue albums.

However, the publication underwent a fundamental shift in content twenty years ago. In 1992, Poor Pichardo's Almanack became the preeminent source for all things Royal, and no fan should be without a copy. You can find this for under three bucks (plus shipping) on most reputable retail and auction sites, though be aware the native Spanish has been translated to a hybrid of Old and Middle English in some sort of confused appeal to the nostalgia of dead people. It's still a fine publication and we heartily recommend you order a copy, but be sure to keep a thesaurus handy.

Now let's go ahead and look back at March 23, 2007.

Quoth the Almanack:

Did you guys get all that?  Not sure if we did on our end.  Something about semen?

Anyway, here's how we covered the trade on Royales With Cheese four years ago: ¿Dos Tony Peñas? ¡Mierda!  That's probably only slightly easier to read than the almanac entry.

Go Royals!  You're the Best!

March 22, 2012

Spring Training Recap

Hi guys! Last week I was in Arizona watching the Kan City Royals. A lot of stuff happened, but I wasn't really paying attention.

I'll be honest with ya, I spent most of the week getting drunk on the outfield grass and adjusting my sunglasses so no one could tell I was staring at the ASU co-eds the whole time.

Anyway, I did not forget my mission entirely. #StopYuni (yeah, we're still doing this) was in full effect across the entire Phoenix area.

Here I am spreading the gospel in Scottsdale.

Then, I got this older couple involved at Surprise Stadium.

I had to tell them that Yuni was a local pederast, but I'm pretty sure they disapprove of a .292 OBP.

A few days in, though, I realized my little sign wasn't enough. I had to do more.

A scoreboard message. Yes. That would do it. That would end this madness.

I called up the Surprise Stadium marketing department to inquire. They were more than happy to feature a message at the next game - for $50. Unfortunately, when I told them what I wanted, they said they could not help me. Denied.

Luckily, the folks at Peoria Sports Complex (home of the Padres and Mariners) did not balk at my request. So, following a message wishing Connor Banks a Happy 9th birthday, this appeared on the screen for seven magical seconds.

Mission accomplished. And this one was only $40. Suckers.

Alright, back to the team. All these guys got hurt while I was there! What the heck?

I'm pretty sure Bruce Chen will get hurt, too. Just look at how he gets ready to start a game. Come on, Chen!

Finally, I finished up the week with a classic Straight Cash Homey moment.

"Mom, thanks for getting me this Rick Ankiel jersey from the Majestic outlet store! Now I don't have to wear that Terrence Long jersey to games anymore!"

15 Days until the Opener against the The Angels Angels of Anaheim.

Go Royals! You're the best!

March 21, 2012

Bracket Buster

Hello, sports fans! Before I get to my Spring Training recap, I promised one of my favorite Royals players I would do something for him.

As you may know, last week, Billy Butler shared his NCAA tournament picks with the entire Royals nation. What you may not know, is that another player was much more eager to share his picks, but did not get the chance.

Knowing RWC to be a reputable blog with over six followers, Royals shortstop Alcides Escobar tracked me down before an afternoon exhibition game and practically begged me to post his "bracket."

It seemed like a reasonable request until I discovered they were his picks for Primera Division Venezuelan soccer.


I tried to explain that no one gives a shit about soccer, but he was sure you would all want to see this. How could I say no to this face?

Okay, a promise is a promise. Here's Alcides Escobar's bracket. How does it stack up against yours?

Whatever. Go FC Caracas! You're the Best!

March 20, 2012

It'll make your eyes bug.

Michael Tucker is famous among Royals fans for his two go-arounds with the club that featured dropped catches, bat flips, occasional signs of promising though nonchalant play, and yes, of course, his eyes.

Tucker seemed to always be expressing something sorrowful or surprising with his eyes.

Perhaps it was, "Why is there so much pain and suffering in the world?"  Maybe it was, "Why do bad things happen to good people?"  It could have just been, "Man, I hope those TUMs start working soon." 

In any case, his eyes were a window to his soul.  A soul that seemed to be 10% scared, 10% shocked, and 80% sclera.

What I'm saying is, Michael Tucker had the bug eyes.  

But we loved him for it.

That's why we are immortalizing his hilariously expressive eyes with a new feature entitled "Michael Tucker's OMG Moment of the Week."


This week's moment came earlier today when Dayton Moore shat himself silly and traded promising young pitcher Kevin Chapman and a PTBNL for two washouts from the Houston Astros.  

I guess Ivan Rodriguez turning down a contract with your team will make you do stupid things.

The main piece in the trade is Humberto Quintero.  He supposedly fills the catching void created by the losses of Salvador Perez and Manny Pina.  While he's had many years of mediocre play, so far this spring Quintero had only played one game for Houston.  That game was yesterday.  He went from third-string Astros catcher to possibly starting catcher for the Kansas City Royals in less than 24 hours.  We call that a #HumbertoBrag.

Quintero has played nine years in the bigs, but only amassed a 3 WAR.  He's not much of a hitter, carrying a .234 average and only walking 37 times in his 1075 career ABs.  He's hit only fifteen home runs despite playing in the juicebox that is Minute Maid Park for much of his career.  He is much better defensively, however, and is apparently quite adept at picking off runners.  In that regard, he's the Bizarro Brayan Pena.  What one has in offensive ability, the other has in defensive ability.  Otherwise, they are both heavyset backup catchers in their early-30s that have spent most of their careers on terrible teams.  They should complement each other depressingly well.

The other player, Jason Bourgeois, is really only interesting because of his name. In reality, he's more like Jason Proletarian. He's got decent speed and not much else going for him.  Dayton said they wouldn't have made the trade if Bourgeois wasn't involved.  I'm not really sure why that is, unless they are looking for an older, less talented Jarrod Dyson or Mitch Maier to be the fourth outfielder this year.  If that's the case, maybe Michael Tucker was still available. In any case, we'll probably have some fun this summer making more references to Marxism and Luis Bunuel films than we have in any previous Royals season, so it's not a total loss.

The biggest problem with this trade is that we were hoping Moore had moved beyond these panicky moves, but it looks like we have a lot more bad trades to deal with in the future.  How else do you explain two of the worst players on the Houston Astros (THE HOUSTON ASTROS!)-- players who were in danger of not even making their team this year-- are the newest Royals, while a 24-year-old pitcher with a high strike-out rate and potential to shine in the Royals bullpen for years is on his way out?

As Michael Tucker would say, "Oh my golly!"

And as we are fond of saying, though we are often sighing and shaking our heads, 
"Go Royals!  You're the Best!"

March 14, 2012

Commission Impossible

As you're probably well aware, the Royals have been hemorrhaging fans for the last twenty years and have repeatedly tried and failed to keep themselves culturally relevant to the increasingly apathetic masses.

These attempts failed, ultimately, because most were geared toward the lowest common denominator. The idiots, the drunks, the layabouts, the cut-off-sleeves, the slug-a-beds, the troglodytes, the low-brows, the great unwashed, the... well, you get the idea. 

They did everything they could to get this group to the park. They added a mascot. Krispy Kreme Donuts. Fireworks after home games. A facebook page. Pink baseball hats. Dollar hot dogs. Jeff Francoeur. Miniature golf. Thousands of free t-shirts. Gnome scavenger hunts. Concerts featuring local unsigned bands. Jeff Foxworthy.

But luckily they've realized the error of their ways.  While a fool and his money are soon parted, the mouth-breathers don't bring in a lot of repeat business.

They usually show up reeking of Milwaukee's Best in the third inning, complain about the sun and how the Royals are a farm team for the Yankees, eat some chili-cheese nachos, yell some racial slurs, and leave in the fifth inning so they don't miss Khloé & Lamar, a pile of garbage and sweat-stained seat their only lasting impacts.

Appealing to these folks will get you some money once or twice a season, but they don't have the brainpower or attention span to follow baseball, especially not a team like the Royals that requires undying loyalty to form a true connection. 

And it seems like the Royals finally get that.  This season, the Royals are doing something, well, frankly incredible.  They are choosing now to go after the four-eyes, the tongue-cluckers, the Sabermetric geeks, the stuffed shirts, the academics, the eggheads, the high-brows, the Arrested Development fans, the great unwashed, the... well, you get the idea. 

Their first move was to commission dozens of artists to create challenging and beautiful works that will be displayed in a new wing of the stadium known as the Royal Museum of Art.

We here at Royales with Cheese were lucky enough to obtain some of these works, and will present them throughout the season.

First up is a work that was generated before the unfortunate decision to not renew Frank White's broadcasting contract.  The artist, 16-year-old high school sophomore and DeviantArt member LadyJacob96, works primarily in graphite, colored pencil, and ballpoint pen.

I now present to you The Legend of the White Knight, 12" X 8":

I find the composition interesting. The moon phases really keep the eye moving around the picture plane. I appreciate the subtle manipulation of value. Frank's essence was captured well in this piece, and I look forward to seeing it in person at the Royal Museum of Art.

Go Royals! You're the Best!

March 13, 2012

RWC in Breaking Training

Hello, sports fans! Guess what? I'm on my way to Surprise, Arizona. Home of the Kan City Royals!

Do you hear that gila monsters? AC is on his way to the glorious land of illegal immigrants, heat stroke, and In-N-Out Burger.

I'm so excited! We're about to take off now!

I'll be gone for awhile, but you can be sure I'll be tackling the stories you care about most. Like, how is George Brett coping with his IBS? And does Sean O'Sullivan know he looks like Zac Brown?

Spring Training is that special time of year when the Royals separate the men from the bumsticks and then they keep several of the bumsticks anyway. (I'm looking at you Mitch Maier).

I'll be back next week to tell you who's hot and who's not. Until then...

Go Royals! You're The Best!

March 12, 2012

STOP YUNI 2: The Legend of Yuni's Gold

Another late night of drinking, another twenty-piece Chicken McNugget, another ten minutes spent on a JPEG.







March 11, 2012

This Week In Cheese Balls

It's been a busy week here at RWC. And while we haven't bothered talking much about the Royals per se, we sure have had a lot of laughs.

In other news, yes, Max Ramirez looks good. Before camp, he was probably the fourth-best latino catcher on the roster. Now he's locked in at third-best. Aaron Guiel is back - as the waterboy or something. And Luis Mendoza is a pretty good pitcher.

We know. Dick Kaegel is all over it.

I for one am proud of what we contributed to the internets this week. For those of you that missed it, all of the recent cheese has been consolidated into this convenient word cloud.

(Click to Enlarge)

There they are. All the things you didn't know you cared about.

See you next week.

Go Royals! You're The Best!
Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...