March 29, 2012

We're All Cainsians Now

Remember Melky Cabrera? Me neither.

The Internet is buzzing about the Royals new center fielder, Lorenzo Cain,
and rightfully so. After a solid year in Omaha and an impressive spring, Lorenzo looks as ready for the big leagues as anyone can. Most people agree he's an upgrade in center, but I for one expect him to have a great year at the plate, too.

In any case, Lorenzo Cain isn't just a promising young ball player. He represents a shift in economic thinking for the entire franchise. It's called Cainsianism. Cainsianism is all about athleticism, the circular flow, maximizing aggregate run output and a willingness to plunge the franchise into debt in order to capture the new Wild Card spot.

Behold, Lord Cain.

Now, I know what you're thinking. The Royals have implemented a number of harebrained economic theories in the past, and they all sucked. Alright, that's fair. But trust me, this will be nothing like the Chili Davis Hypothesis, The Kevin Koslofski Balanced Growth Theory, The Seitzer-Pecota Thesis, The Terry Shumpertarian Growth Model or the unmentionable Carlos Febles Theory of Conspicuous Consumption.

Those were horrible mistakes. We need this, guys, just look at the chart:

It makes sense.

Either way, I expect the Royals blogosphere will look back on the day that Lorenzo Cain takes the field this season as THE turning point for the team. Finally we can say goodbye to the days of David Glass’s destructive saving, small ball, contact hitters like Scott Pose and managers with no sideburns like Tony Muser.

So, say it loud. Say it proud.

We're All Cainsians Now!


  1. William7:01 AM

    Is that a Buddy Bell Curve?

  2. Anonymous9:09 PM

    I would rather be raising Cain than clap for the Melk-Man.


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