Hello sports fans! My name is Eli Convict. I'm the newest member of the Royales with Cheese family. This is the first post in the new series:
You may not recognize my name, but I bet you would recognize my drawings. I'm a (former) cartoonist for a (formerly) major newspaper (no longer being printed). My art has been described as dreadful and nauseating, my political and cultural gags as obvious, pandering, and lacking awareness. But I don't care. In fact, these qualities allowed me to work steadily in the political cartoon game for decades.
As for my baseball experience, it's quite impressive. I've played beer league softball my whole life, beginning at age 10. I've quit the game at least seven times over the years in attempts to get sober, but I just love baseball and Miller High Life too much to stay away for long. I'm currently the manager of my team, The East Bottoms, and we've compiled a winning record during my tenure, which shows I know what I'm doing. I've also watched a fair amount of baseball in my life and seen all three Major League films, which can't be discounted.
I was asked by the good folks at Royales with Cheese to implement a points system to help evaluate the Royals players this season. You know, weigh the value of a save or a sacrifice or a triple play in a way people can understand. Not everyone is going to realize an outfield assist is important if you don't assign it a value. But what if I said that play was worth ten points? I bet you'd understand now, you big dummy. The key with any good system is that it should rely on simple addition or subtraction. Any system that uses fancy math like division or percentages can go straight to hell as far as I'm concerned.
Now before we get too much further, I want to make something clear. Our system has absolutely nothing to do with that other Royals blog and its points system. Not a damn thing.
There is one huge difference between that system and ours:
Our system is not bullshit.
I repeat, our system is NOT bullshit.
Convicting the Royals is based on the groundbreaking work of Ron Popeil, who more than fifty years ago revolutionized advertising with Direct-Response Marketing. He's famous for shilling the Chop-O-Matic™ Mr. Microphone™ and the Pocket Fisherman™ What you may not know is that Popeil also came up with a chart for determining the value of baseball players, now commonly referred to as the RonCo Stat-O-Matic System™
Unlike that other Royals blog, we have not touched this system. It will be followed to the absolute letter. We will not add the bullshit quality start category, nor will we fail to fully reward a batter for hitting a crucial home run to win the game if he only sees two pitches in the at-bat. We will not choose to give a point for a stolen base, but somehow fail to take a point away for a caught stealing. We will not "reward the little things" if those little things do not result in any tangible increased chance of winning. We will not minimize truly important plays and players by rewarding another, less consequential play or player for "grit" or "scrappiness" or the ability to "play the game the right way." Those are just code words used to describe guys who, for the most part, suck at baseball.
For example, let's say that with one out in the bottom of the eighth and the Royals down by two runs, Chris Getz grounds out to the right side of the infield, advancing Jeff Francoeur from second to third. Will Getz get a point for that? Well, it depends on if Francoeur ends up scoring. If he does, then maybe it was okay to give up that out to advance the runner, but common sense tells us that it didn't really help the team much because Francoeur was already in scoring position and now the Royals have one less out to work with. The RonCo Stat-O-Matic System has it right: Getz will be rewarded with just 1/3 of a point for that play when it happens. Now, here's the good part. If Francoeur doesn't end up scoring, Getz will then lose 500 points because his ground out was much more detrimental to the team than the perceived benefit of moving a runner from second to third, especially with the team down by more than one run. The overwhelming majority of the time, Getz making an out in a crucial situation because he can't get the ball out of the infield will result in a net total of -499 2/3 points.
That's the great thing about Ron Popeil's system. It rewards the little things only when they actually benefit the team, and it penalizes the shit out of them when they actually hurt the team. It doesn't put each play into a vacuum, and why should it? What kind of dumbass system would do that?
You know what is always positive for a team? A player getting a hit. Even more positive? A multi-base hit. Better still? A home run. Getz hits a homer in that situation, he's gonna get a ton of RonCo Stat-O-Matic Points. He tied the game with one swing. That's huge. But if he grounds out and the Royals don't score, he gets treated like a goat, just as he should. I just don't understand why that other system would make a game-winning homer only slightly more valuable than a ground out that ultimately results in nothing more than a wasted out. It's perplexing.
And yes, bullshit.
I'm looking forward to a good season. I hope you'll enjoy my blogging about the team this season. The RonCo Stat-O-Matic Revolution begins in just three days!
Go Royals! You're the Best!