April 20, 2012

Eight is Enough

Alright, Royals.  We get it.  Enough is enough.

We were taking you for granted.  We enjoyed last year a lot.  We complimented you frequently.  We surprised you with gifts.  We stole kisses.  We felt you up.  You gave us a hand jibber in the porta-potty after a walk-off win.  It was hot.

We told our friends that you might be "the one."

Not only were you "the one," but you were the only one.

Then something happened over the offseason.  Suddenly things were different.

Maybe we took you for granted.  We assumed everything was good.

But things really weren't.  You were young.  You were naive.  

And so were we.

Yes, you were hot.  The youngest team in baseball.  You were getting the All-Star Game.  You were filming commercials telling us it was "our time."

And we bought it.

Because if we believed you, the world seemed like a little better place.  It got us through the football season.

But we didn't really get it.  The truth.  The truth was that you really weren't ready.  We thought you were, but you weren't.

You were lying to us.  You were stroking our egos as longtime fans.  Stringing us along.

 Again, we can't blame you for this entirely, but you played up the hype.  Maybe you didn't mean to, maybe you were just pressuring yourself.  Either way, you were screwing with our heads.

You slut.

I mean, really.  What do you have to offer?  You're attractive.  You're young.  But that's not enough to carry a relationship.  

Where's the character?  The personality?  The emotional maturity?  The intellect?  The wisdom? The drive?  

You really have nothing to offer.


Not a goddamn thing.

Youth is a delicate product and it will fade away quickly.  Just as it has done in the past.

Just as it will in the future.

You're incomplete.

Woefully incomplete.

That's clear.  

And we're too old for these games.  We've been through this shit over and over for almost thirty years.

And this is just too much for us to process at this point in our lives.

Call us when you win a game, baby.

Call us when you grow up.

Go Royals!  Maybe we can be friends!

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