Hello sports fans! Eli Convict here to tell you how you should be watching and evaluating the game! This is Convicting the Royals:
I've always said ten games into the season is the perfect time to stop, look around, take a deep breath, and place arbitrary point values on players. Unfortunately, the Royals played their tenth game on Monday, but Mr. Convict got a little too, well, let's call it, "drinky," following the loss against Justin Verlander. Unfortunately for you loyal readers (and for my AA sponsor), I didn't really sober back up until today.
In any case, here are the RonCo Stat-O-Matic point totals eleven games in, with the Royals sitting at 3-8 at the bottom of the AL Central:
One bonus of the Ron Popeil Stat System Totals Board is that you can print out a few copies, cut them into pieces, and play a game of Guess Who? with your buddies.
Anywho, I won't go through each player's point total, as I imagine you can glean quite a lot from this.
However, some quick hits:
Billy Butler = 37 Points - Looks to be the token Royal All-Star at this point, as he leads the league in several categories, including Bubble-Yum consumption.
Rex Hudler = 14 Points - He loves the game, he's enthusiastic, he smokes reefer, he's a ginger, he's monosyllabic, and yet the fans still don't like him. Sorry folks, the RonCo system loves all of those intangibles. Keep the good stuff coming, Rex!
Boulevard Beer = .13 BAC - This is what you'll need to enjoy Royals baseball this year. Make sure to get a designated driver, folks!
Tim Scott = 3 Points - This douchebag got fired by the Royals this offseason, which actually earned him 25 points in the Stat-o-Matic System. Unfortunately, he's working in Dinner Theatre right now, which costs him 22 points.
Bruce Chen = 2 Points - As we all know, wins are the best way to determine how good a pitcher is, so Bruce is a huge disappointment so far despite pitching very well.
Sluggerrr = 0 Points - He earned 10 points for his birthday, but he started the season with -10 points because it's been over two years since he hit someone in the face with a hot dog.
Alex Gordon = - 27 Points - Listen, he really hasn't been that bad this year. Sure, his average is low and he was the goat in the Verlander game, but he's been as good as ever in left field. Unfortunately, the RonCo Stat-o-Matic system takes into account the number of negative calls about a player on sports talk radio, and Gordon has had the lion's share.
Luke Hochevar = - 56 points - He's only really had one bad inning this year, but it was Opening Day at the K, so we hate his guts.
Mustard = - 83 points - Mustard is fucking gross!
Jonathan Sanchez = - 127 points - He hit Chin Two-Shoes which started some shit against the Indians, so the RonCo System loves him for that. Of course, he's also been a bad pitcher so far this year, so it hates him for that. Unless he hits a lot more guys, he's gonna be in the red for a long time this year.
Garth Brooks = - 256 points - "Friends in Low Places" as the Royals' anthem does nothing but reinforce the Bad News Bears aura surrounding the team. How about some "Thunderstruck"? Or that Karate Kid song "You're the Best"? Hell, use "Stuck in the Middle With You" and see if the Royals can get to .500.
11 Game Total Score for the Kansas City "Our Time" Royals = - 1056 Points
There you go, folks. We hope you enjoyed this edition of Convicting the Royals. Don't you feel like you have a much better perspective on the team now? Or at least a better excuse for your drinking? I know I do!
Go Royals! You're the Best!