April 19, 2012

Time for your Yearly Psych Eval-Introducing Pavlov's Dawg

JR’s not in a good place right now and by not in a good place I mean drunk on 40s of malt liquor lying face down in a drainage ditch with a beard longer than Ted Kaczynski’s.


AC is not much better, spending most of his time doing bicep curls in front of a mirror.  His wife Jessie’s back on diet pills.  Such is the life of the Royals fan; brutal, constant and unkind.   At least that’s what we’ve been led to think.

See all this depression is not sitting well with the Royales With Cheese ownership.

The margins for operating a site like RWC are already tight and the writers’ swoon is not helping.  So, the powers that be have hired me, P.D to right the ship.  

(not me)

First, a little about me. . .  I have degrees in parapsychology and psychology from Columbia University.  I spent a great deal of time studying the effects of negative reinforcement on extra sensory perception and wrote a lengthy thesis on the topic.

 Later I went into the private sector where I’ve seen a great many hard cases.  Yet in all my time I’ve never seen cases so hard as those of the lifelong Royals fan.

When I got JR and AC away from the Cobra 40s long enough for their eval I got the usual lines:

“These Royals were supposed to be good.”

“They have a fine young ballclub.”

“This is their time!”

Intermixed with bemoanings over the state of baseball.

“If we had as much money as the Yankees things would be better.”

However, I soon came to realize that these statements were all manifest symptoms of the true problem.  Royals fans are engaged in a codependent relationship with the team and exhibit the symptoms of passive dependent personality disorders.

Let me break it down.

There are five patterns consistent in Codependent relationships.  They are Denial,  Compliance, Control , Low Self Esteem, and Avoidance.  Let’s start with an easy one.

1. Denial

 AC and JR each exhibit perfect examples of denial patterns.  They constantly state that the Royals have “a fine young ballclub” and that “it’s early in the season they’ll turn it around.”  While this may be a fine coping strategy in relationships with other sports teams, I had to present them with the cold hard facts to break through their insanity.  In 2010, the Royals started 9-14 and their final record was 67-95.  In 2008 they were 12-15; final record, 75-87.  In fact, there are examples of this team utterly failing to turn it around dating back to 1992.  Ah 1992 the year the Royals started 3-19.  They finished that season 72-90.  The reality is the Royals do not turn it around as the season wears on.  They may win a few games in a row keeping hope up that they are on the verge of breaking through.  They are not.  They are a horrible, no good, very bad team and that’s the long and the short of it.

However, there are those out there who say, “P.D., they have a great young core! They will be ok!”    Like this guy:


And this guy:


And this guy:


But what is a core without guys like:


Or this:


Or even this:


In fact, is there a single pitcher on this team that if they were on any other team in baseball we wouldn’t be making fun of the poor hapless suckers who signed him?

Our history is littered with these losers:

No pitching=No wins

(and those hitters aren't too hot either)

The bottom line is simple:

This team is terrible.  This team will be terrible.  This team is the worst.  Step One to overcoming denial.

Deal with it.

Say it with me. . .


Next Pattern - - - -Compliance

1 comment:

  1. Dan Glass7:31 AM

    Hey, Ludwig von Drake, we're definitely past the denial stage. Get to Low Self-Esteem, toot sweet.


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