May 31, 2012

Braces, laces, knitting, and knotting

Back in March, Alcides Escobar signed a four-year, $10 million extension through 2015 with club options for 2016 and 2017 with the Royals.  If the options are exercised, he'll make another $11.75 million. 

What's a young guy to do when he's suddenly flush with cash and job security?  In Escobar's case, he decided to use the money to start his own online business.  And he's called it, simply, "Esky."

Now, Alcides has been known for some time to be quite good with his hands.  He's shown it on the baseball field, of course. But with his recent contract, Escobar is now free to pursue his other love: Textile and Apparel Management.

I know it's hard to believe, but next time you see a shot of the Royal dugout during the game, check out what Escobar is doing.  Ninety percent of the time, he's either knitting, crocheting, or doing some other form of needlework.

Which leads us to Escobar's new online venture.  Esky is an online store featuring his crafts and is modeled after online auction sites.  He felt it was important for him to be accessible to his customers and able to custom-tailor his wares to fit their individual needs and desires.  So far his work has been mostly inspired by the Royals baseball organization and marketed to their fans, but he does seem willing to do alternative designs upon request.

Let's check out a few of his listings, shall we?


We wish Esky good luck in his new business venture.  He might want to work on that ad copy, though.  And cut it out with the bedazzling.

Go Esky!  You're the Best!

May 25, 2012

E-Cards: The E stands for Error

Memorial Day Weekend is upon us. It's a time for family, friends, beer, cookouts, and baseball.  

Unfortunately, this weekend the Royals are facing the Baltimore Orioles, a team that has always dominated KC. Every year they seem to run the train on us, even when they're trotting out jokers like Jason Grimsley, Sal Fasano, Calvin Pickering, Paul Bako, Sidney Ponson, and Bruce Chen. 

Wait a minute...

Screw it. You can still enjoy the family, friends, beer, and cookouts.  As for the baseball, we have e-cards to cheer you up. We posted some back in March before the season, and we've got another batch for you today. 

Feel free to click on any of the cards, as doing so will take you to that card's page where you can send it along to a fellow Royals sufferer or post it to facebook.



Have a fun and safe Memorial Day!  

Go Royals!  You're the Best!

May 23, 2012

Royal Pride

The Royals have been godawful at the K this year. If they were even .500 at home, they'd be near the top of the league. But aside from the Cardinals series in June and the All-Star Game in July, both of which will be overrun by fans who could care less about the Royals, there's little guarantee of a decent crowd again this season.

The Royals marketing department, however, has taken it upon themselves to employ a bold new strategy to entice fans to come out to the park and empty their pockets. Kauffman Stadium has added a private wing known as the Royals Museum of Art, a gallery designed to appeal to the more intellectual fan, one who can appreciate foreign films, a fine Chablis, and free jazz. Because of this, not just anyone can get into the museum. Indeed, thus far only those who have made sizable donations have been allowed to view the works contained therein.

While we here at Royales with Cheese will be the first to admit we are proud intellectuals, unfortunately, we're also broke. That means we've not been inside the gallery ourselves. Lucky for you, we do sell weed to the museum curator, and she has been kind enough to leak us high-resolution images of the various works on display. 

Today we bring you a pastel work by 46-year-old Roxanne Nickles of Vermillion, South Dakota. Roxanne is an adjunct biology instructor at Mount Marty College, an avid fly-fisher, and a lifetime member of the Audobon Society. Her goal as an artist is to raise awareness of environmental concerns. 

She agreed to paint a naturalistic portrait of Sluggerrr if the Royals would consider restoring Kauffman Stadium to its original prairie grassland status. When the team refused, she instead brokered a settlement that banned the sale of bison burgers at the K. And with that, this magnificent work of art was born.

We are now proud to present Panthera Leo-- His Majesty Speaks, 12" x 18".

(click to appreciate the fine detail)

In this piece, Sluggerrr has a menacing elegance, a murderous grace, a threatening beauty. The lion mascot is rendered with rippling power beneath a luxurious mane, his golden crown proclaiming his regal status. Beware his sharpened fangs, his fluid body, his mighty hot-dog-launching paws. Sluggerrr strikes fear into the hearts of his prey as he lets loose a thunderous roar. "Go Royals!" he bellows. "You're the Best!"

We agree, Sluggerrr. We agree.

May 21, 2012

Road Warriors

Well, the Royals are back on the road tonight. This can only mean one thing. They are more than likely going to win a ballgame. 

And of course, they did, shutting out the New York Yankees 6-0, and improving their road record to 12-7 on the season. The Royals love the road. They love it even more than Lincoln Hawk. 

But really, why have the Royals been so successful on the road this year?

How the hell should I know? I just wanted to make these graphics.

Thank you for your time.

Go Royals! You're the Best!

May 19, 2012

Rex Mudler, H.D.

It's been a couple of weeks, so we better check in once again with Rex Hudler, M.D. and his boy genius, Chris Getz.  When last we joined them, Rex was patching up the evil blogger's bullet wound and it looked like shit was about to get real.

We now join them thirteen strips later.

(click to embiggen)

It looks like Rex and Chris managed to escape from the cabin of the evil blogger somehow, but things have taken a turn for the ridiculous. Getz is proving to be much braver than the good doctor, who has turned tail and run when it matters most-- a devastating revelation for fans of the strip.  Unfortunately, the final panel seems to indicate a farcical series of misunderstandings are about to turn the tight scripting of Rex Hudler, M.D. into a bad episode of Frasier.

Go Ahead, Getzy!  You're the Best!

May 16, 2012

Range War

This is the first sweep post in 2012 and it's an unexpected one.

For the first time since 1977-- yes, 1977, the year Kanye West was born, the year Smokey and the Bandit came out, the year punk exploded, the year Sanford and Son was canceled, the year Groucho Marx died, yes, that 1977-- the Kansas City Royals have swept a two-game series of the Rangers in Texas.



I know this stat because Steve Fizzyock told me at least eight times during the game tonight.

Also, fun fact: Rex Hudler did not know the song "Deep in the Heart of Texas" existed before tonight. Or he did, I guess, but didn't realize there were words to it?


So that's weird.

Anyway, we here at Royales with Cheese have been known to post an image to commemorate Royals sweeps that have occurred over the last few years, which only adds up to about four or five total.

So that's depressing.


But nonetheless, here we go!

Too on the nose?

Who cares?!

The Royals swept the Rangers!  The Royals swept the Rangers!

Screw you, Cordell Walker!




Bring on the Orioles and their cartoon bird hats!

Go Royals!  You're the Best!

May 14, 2012

Better Know a Bumstick: Doug Davis

On Saturday, the Royals signed veteran southpaw/warm body Doug Davis to a minor-league contract.  He'll be assigned to Omaha until Jonathan Sanchez's inevitable release or Danny Duffy's inevitable Tommy John surgery.  

You probably recognize Doug's name.  He's pitched for five teams over his thirteen years in the majors, most recently for the Chicago Cubs for an inglorious six weeks last year.  He ended his brief tenure there with a 1-7 record and a 6.50 ERA.  When you can't even hang on with the Cubs, you know you're in trouble.  Of course, shit always rolls downhill, so Davis found that his last hope of salvaging his baseball career was with our beloved Royals.

Since we'll likely be seeing him pitching in Kansas City soon, we now present the Doug Davis edition of our series Better Know a Bumstick.

Here are eight things you NEED to know about Doug Davis:

1) He pitched under Ned Yost in the Brewers organization from 2004-2006.  No word yet on if they are hunting buddies.

2) Doug Davis is superstitious as hell.  He takes a nap in the clubhouse before every start. He never steps on the baseline and has been known to hop over it.  His favorite number is 7 and he usually tries to wear a number that is divisible by 7.  Lastly, and most disturbing of all, he eats tuna fish before every start. 

 Lock up your tuna, KC.

3) Doug Davis loves to play cribbage.  Yep.  Cribbage.

4) Randy Johnson only hit one home run in his twenty-two year career.  It was off Doug Davis.

5) Davis is one of baseball's slowest working and most boring pitchers.  He walks guys like crazy.  He gets hit like crazy.  He has a slow, exaggerated wind-up. He takes forever between pitches. He throws 65-71 mph curves, 77-81 mph cutters, and his fastball tops out at 84 mph.  Basically, he's an older, crappier Bruce Chen.

6) Doug Davis may have the worst facial hair in the history of the universe.  The hair below his mouth looks like the hair above the vagina of a mid-90s Playmate.

Doug "Landing Strip" Davis

7) Despite being thoroughly mediocre throughout his career, he's managed to rake in over $32 million.

8) Lastly, and most importantly, Davis beat thyroid cancer.  That's worth 4000 Polk Points and shoots him to the top of Lee Judge's board.

That's it for this edition of Better Know a Bumstick.  Welcome to the Royals, Pubeface.

Go Royals!  You're the Best!

May 13, 2012

A Salute To Mom

Hello, sports fans! It’s Mother’s Day, and I’d like to celebrate by dedicating a post to my mother.

I have her to thank (or blame) for my Kan City Royals fanaticism, and I would like to share some of my favorite things about her.

No matter what the Royals slogan is for a particular season (You Gotta Love These Guys, This…Is Hardball, Our Time), Mom always thinks it’s “A Major League Attraction.” This slogan was last used in 1988.

When the Royals introduced their new grey on-field road caps in the mid-nineties, Mom drove me to every department store in a 20-mile radius to ensure I got one for my birthday.

She did not question me when one summer I decided I wanted to be a Seattle Mariners fan.

On the rare occasion she visits Kauffman stadium, she insists on starting a chant for “A-O.” That is, Amos Otis.

She once stood in line at a Bannister Mall jewelry store for two hours with my brother and I so that we could meet Frank White.  

As a teen, arriving home after a Royals game was always a predictable occasion. Mom always asked the same two questions as soon as I opened the door. 1) Did the Royals win? 2) Did you get on the Megatron?*
Of course, in almost every case, the answer to both questions was no.

Since leaving for college, and to this day, Mom’s care packages have always contained whatever Royals item was 75% off in the Hy-Vee general merchandise aisle that week. Will it be a t-shirt? A keychain? A Joe Randa framed card plaque? You just didn’t know.

So this one goes out to you, Mom, and all the Mothers out there.

Happy Mother’s Day!

(this is not my Mom)

Go Moms! You’re the Best! 

* What she obviously means by Megatron is Jumbotron, but there’s more to it than that. You see, Mom suffers from what the doctors call Tronambiguation. To her, the stadium video board is the Megatron. The defunct Worlds of Fun ride is the Jumbotron. The Detroit Lions wide receiver is Omegatron and the Transformers character is Calvin Johnson. There is no telling a tronambiguate otherwise.

May 10, 2012

Natural Resources

Forget about the Royals for a moment. I know they've done okay as of late.  A split with the Yankees and two of three from the Red Sox sure sounds good.  

But forget it. As Vin Mazzaro would say, "Fuhgettaboutit."

Get it?

Ryan Lefebvre sure does!

As Ryan would say, "That's a spicy uh-meatball-uh!"


There is something more important going on down in the minors.

Let's take a little trip down Arkansas way, shall we?

I'm not talking about the Shiloh Museum of Ozark History, though the permanent exhibit entitled "Poultry in Motion" sure gives me a pun boner.

No, I'm talking about baseball history.

The Northwest Arkansas Naturals A/K/A the NWARKNats A/K/A the Springdale Thunder Chickens A/K/A Poultry in Motion A/K/A.... uh, Omaha South (?) no-hit the Springfield Cardinals.


It's even more impressive when you realize it wasn't just one dude dealing.

No.  It took no less four Naturals pitchers to stymie Springfield.

But that did it.

And for that, we should be proud.

The Lincoln-bearded Greg Holland struck out the side in the first, then got pulled in the second in a rehab shart.  Chris Dwyer went six and two-thirds, walking two and beaning one.  Brendan Lafferty and Kendal Volz combined for the last two perfect innings.

It was amazing.

To do that kind of shit, you got to be like Marlon Brando. You got to be Naturalistic. You got to be Naturalistic as hell.

The above photo is not from tonight's game.  Rather, it is a dramatization from the hit Animal Planet television series Finding Bigfoot.  Now, I know that it looks like a Squatch wearing bike shorts is about to molest a child, but it's actually James "Bobo" Fay playing the part of Strike, the Naturals mascot, and actress Elle Fanning in a fat suit playing the part of the fleeing child.


 While I know the Royals' recent stretch of not shitting themselves at home has been a pleasant surprise, it's merely prelude to what can, NAY, what shall be.  These minor league triumphs over other minor league failures will soon be occurring at the major league level.

  And as long as Ned Yost is the manager, the above scenario is well worth embracing.  After all, four pitchers combining for a no-hitter is a Ned Yost wet/fever/wet-fever dream.

Especially if James "Bobo" Fay and a Squatch costume are involved.

Go Naturals!  You're the Best!

May 9, 2012

It's-a me, Gio

Hello, sports fans! It's been a busy 24 hours for our boys in blue. The Kan City Royals front office has been working hard, making laughable roster moves for the rest of the league's enjoyment. Manager Ned Yost was already on pace to set the major league record for most unique asinine lineups in a season, but recent activity has given the skipper even more options to lose games in hilarious, yet still quite embarrassing fashion.

Jonathan Sanchez was placed on the DL with bicep tendinitis (Read: We don't want you to make your next two starts because you suck, but we are paying you too much money to bench you). Tommy Hottovy was sent back to Omaha. The result of these two moves is the arrival of two familiar faces. Johnny Giavotella and Vin Mazzaro.

While we know these characters to be bumsticks, one group of Royals fans couldn't be happier.

The Italian-Americans

Heck, even the Italian-Italians are excited.

I for one welcome the enthusiasm. The K will instantly be louder and hopefully these guys will kick the shit out of the clowns in the Frenchy Quarter.
Andiamos Reales! Boppity boopity!

May 6, 2012

Dr. Hudler, I presume?

Well, it's been a couple of weeks since we checked in on Rex Hudler, M.D.  Last we saw, he and Chris Getz were still just fishing, but there was that evil blogger plotting to get him.

Let's check in two weeks and fourteen strips later:

(click to embiggen)

Man, it looks like we missed some action.  Somehow, the evil blogger got shot, and now he and his lady friend are forcing Rex to patch him up.  But it looks like the good doctor and his boy genius might have other ideas...

Go Royals!  Rex Doesn't Like That!

May 3, 2012

Toss Your Cookies

On April 30, 2002, Tony Muser was fired as manager of the Kansas City Royals.  However, the groundwork for his release was laid almost a year earlier, on May 3, 2001.

You see, that was the one and only day in Muser's four-plus years as Royals manager that he showed any sort of personality.  After losing a third straight game at home to Cleveland, which also dropped KC to 10-18 overall, Muser went off script in the post-game press conference.

"Chewing cookies, drinking milk, and praying isn't going to get it done," he said. "It's going to take a lot of hard work and some mindset." 

He continued, "I'd like them to go out and pound tequila rather than have cookies and milk." 

 The comment started a shit-storm in Kansas City.  The remark was considered by many to be an attack on some of the more religious players on the roster, specifically Mike Sweeney and Smilin' Joe Randa.  The Royals front office fielded numerous angry calls, as did the Fellowship of Christian Athletes, I guess because they are across the street from Kauffman Stadium.

The next day, Muser retracted his comments, saying, "I probably should have used cod-liver oil instead of tequila... I apologize as a man."  He also made a joke about how he himself prays every night in the ninth inning when Roberto Hernandez is trying to close out a win.  That comment, oddly, did not result in any backlash.

Milk-And-Cookie-Gate remained a pretty big story for about a week. In fact, Tony Muser's disembodied head got a Jose Cuervo endorsement deal out of the kerfuffle, and Mike Sweeney proselytized to kids alongside Cookie Monster in an American Dairy Farmers ad. It turned out to be a win-win.

And things pretty much went back to normal after that.  That is to say, the Royals continued losing, and after awhile, pretty much everyone forgot about Muser's comments and resumed ignoring the team.

Of course, we at Royales with Cheese cannot let an anniversary like this go by without some shitty photoshopping (see above!) and another peek into Poor Pichardo's Almanack (see below!).

Let's do this.

Go Tequila!  You're the Best!

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