On Saturday, the Royals signed veteran southpaw/warm body Doug Davis to a minor-league contract. He'll be assigned to Omaha until Jonathan Sanchez's inevitable release or Danny Duffy's inevitable Tommy John surgery.
You probably recognize Doug's name. He's pitched for five teams over his thirteen years in the majors, most recently for the Chicago Cubs for an inglorious six weeks last year. He ended his brief tenure there with a 1-7 record and a 6.50 ERA. When you can't even hang on with the Cubs, you know you're in trouble. Of course, shit always rolls downhill, so Davis found that his last hope of salvaging his baseball career was with our beloved Royals.
Since we'll likely be seeing him pitching in Kansas City soon, we now present the Doug Davis edition of our series Better Know a Bumstick.
Here are eight things you NEED to know about Doug Davis:
1) He pitched under Ned Yost in the Brewers organization from 2004-2006. No word yet on if they are hunting buddies.
2) Doug Davis is superstitious as hell. He takes a nap in the clubhouse before every start. He never steps on the baseline and has been known to hop over it. His favorite number is 7 and he usually tries to wear a number that is divisible by 7. Lastly, and most disturbing of all, he eats tuna fish before every start.
Lock up your tuna, KC.
3) Doug Davis loves to play cribbage. Yep. Cribbage.
4) Randy Johnson only hit one home run in his twenty-two year career. It was off Doug Davis.
5) Davis is one of baseball's slowest working and most boring pitchers. He walks guys like crazy. He gets hit like crazy. He has a slow, exaggerated wind-up. He takes forever between pitches. He throws 65-71 mph curves, 77-81 mph cutters, and his fastball tops out at 84 mph. Basically, he's an older, crappier Bruce Chen.
6) Doug Davis may have the worst facial hair in the history of the universe. The hair below his mouth looks like the hair above the vagina of a mid-90s Playmate.
Doug "Landing Strip" Davis
7) Despite being thoroughly mediocre throughout his career, he's managed to rake in over $32 million.
8) Lastly, and most importantly, Davis beat thyroid cancer. That's worth 4000 Polk Points and shoots him to the top of Lee Judge's board.
That's it for this edition of Better Know a Bumstick. Welcome to the Royals, Pubeface.
Go Royals! You're the Best!