June 29, 2012

When Hairy Met KC

Over the last couple of years, Nike has rolled out some pretty awesome apparel using the well-known hats, hairstyles, facial hair, and glasses of some of baseball's greatest players. 

They've also created several for current players who are not exactly legends of the game, but have a new following or, much more likely, just a dumb haircut.  

They call it the Hair-itage line, and it's pretty neat, except for one thing.  There is not one Royal, past or present, represented in this line.  We here at Royales with Cheese call bullshit on that, and we hope to rectify the situation the best way we know how: by making our own damn t-shirts.

This is part one of this series, and for this group, we'll focus on the unheralded, unsung heroes of baseball: the relief pitchers. The starters get all the glory, the wins, the awards, and the poontang. What do the relievers get? Well, there is the relatively meaningless save statistic, but most teams only have one or two guys who get those.  Unfortunately, most relievers are unknown precisely because they do their job and do it well. There's no reason to learn the guy's name who comes in every other day to strike out the opposition's best left-handed hitter. No reason to learn the guy's name who only comes in to pitch four innings after the starter gives up eight runs in the first. No reason to learn the guy's name who likely will be traded for a C+ prospect at the trading deadline. 

Indeed, most relief pitchers only become well known when they fail at their jobs. This season, the Royal relief appearance that created the most buzz in KC was not even from a reliever. Backup outfielder Mitch Maier threw an inning in a blowout, and fans are still talking about it.

It's a thankless job, a fairly low-paying job, but in reality, it's a job that most fans would kill their own grandmother to have.  After all, these guys are major league players, and extremely talented ones at that.

Here are a few current Royals relievers whose hairy visages would make pretty cool tees:

First we have the Royals' toadlike situational lefty Jose Mijares, or as I like to call him, Chinstrap:

Then we have the mighty midget Tim Collins, or as I like to call him, Beardo Baggins:


And lastly, the gargantuan heart-attack-inducing closer, the round mound of the, uh, mound, Jonathan Broxton:

You'd pay money for those, right?  I hope so, because, well, Royales with Cheese has opened a store and these are available.  Check it out, if you're so inclined. 

/End Shameless Plug

We've also come up with a few designs of legendary Royals relievers!  

Check out the Mad Hungarian, Al Hrabosky:

And there's everyone's favorite closer: The Professor, Dan Quisenberry:

And we'll close this out with a recent Royals closer whom we hope makes a full recovery and returns to pitch for KC (at a reduced salary, of course), the Pitcher Formerly Known as the Mexicutioner, Joakim Soria:

A beautiful unibrow, isn't it?

Well that's it for this edition of the Royals Hair Club for Men.  Again, check out our store if you're so inclined.  You can even choose your own colors and styles. The images have been modified just a bit to avoid copyright issues with the KC logo, but don't let that stop you from buying one or ten.

Go Royals!  You're the Best!

June 27, 2012

Tampa Bay Razed

Where was this team over the weekend?  

KC took it to Tampa these last three games. This series had everything: Butter Bill Bombs, Umpires getting hit in the face, Bruce Chen chewing gum, Escobooms, Humberto Quintero getting cut from the team, Salvador the Savior, Yuni frustrating fans by alternately jacking homers and failing to field grounders, a Hochevar shutout, and, perhaps most interesting of all, the Rays field reporter showing off this fantastically creepy Don Zimmer Bear:

But you didn't come here for the Zimbear. You came for the patented Royales with Cheese obligatory sweep post.  And we could get used to this.  After only posting a few of these over the course of five seasons, we're already on our third one this year!

Here goes:

I can tell you're slightly disappointed.  I knew I should have included Adams, Ray Adams.  Oh well.

Who cares if I've failed you yet again? The Royals are back in the groove! And the Rays are on their way back to St. Petersburg ready to take out their frustration on the Tigers!

Go Royals!  You're the Best!

June 26, 2012

Royals vs. Cards 2: Golden Receiver

For several years as a youngster, I voraciously collected baseball cards, and in particular, Royals cards.  I remember a birthday sleepover/baseball card swap party in third grade in which I netted eight different Kurt Stillwells.  It was a magical night in a young boy's life. 

Eventually, I moved from collecting baseball cards to POGs, from POGs to comic books, from comic books to Mad Magazines, from Mad Magazines to music albums, and finally, from music albums to pornography.  Don't tell me I haven't lived! It's been quite the journey!

And even though I've moved four times among three states since exiting my parents' house, I've managed to hold onto my baseball cards, comic books, Mad Magazines, and music albums. Unfortunately, I sold all the POGs and porn to pay for Grad School.  

Anyway, there are thousands upon thousands of Topps, Upper Deck, Bowman, Donruss, Fleer, Leaf, Score, and yes, even KC Police, Tombstone Pizza, Jimmy Dean, Wonder Bread, and Hostess baseball cards lovingly cataloged in vinyl sheets in binders, organized by team and alphabetized by player name, sitting on my bookshelf as I type this. It's ironic that with all the slipshod work that is routinely published in this blog, I have a rod up my ass when it comes to organizing my worthless chotchkies. 

But I'm happy I've managed to hold onto them, as some of them are so ridiculous that I'm pretty sure I can squeeze some dumb jokes out of them for blog entries. So here goes!  For this second Royals vs. Cards post, we'll be looking at Royal Also-Ran Philip Farrell Hiatt.

If you don't remember Phil Hiatt, you're probably not alone.  He was pretty highly touted when he made his Royals debut in 1993 at third base.  He was supposed to be the second coming of Kevin Seitzer, and Hiatt actually led the team in RBI in April.  But after struggling for a few months, the Royals picked up the recently released Gary Gaetti, Hiatt was sent to AAA, and the rest is history.  

He did make another brief appearance with the Royals in 1995, but was shipped to Detroit as a PTBNL for Juan Samuel. Hiatt only reappeared in the majors a couple more times with the Tigers and later the Dodgers.  Despite his lack of success in the big leagues, Hiatt is a AAA legend, bouncing around with ten or so teams over thirteen seasons at that level.  He hit over 300 homers, had nearly 1000 RBI, and was a AAA team MVP in 1996 (when he hit 42 homers for the Toledo Mud Hens) and in 2001 (when he hit 44 homers for the Las Vegas 51s).  In 2007, Phil Hiatt's name showed up in the Mitchell Report as a steroid user. Whoops.

In an alternate timeline, Hiatt would have been a star.  In reality, he's Crash Davis without the charm.  If nothing else, he'll always be remembered for a series of ridiculous Upper Deck baseball cards. 

First up: 
1992 Upper Deck Collector's Choice #45

I can't stand artwork of athletes/sports stars. That's why we take the piss out of it on a regular basis in this very blog. This Phil Hiatt card, a painting of him as a Memphis Chick, is pretty appalling.  He's a head and one-and-a-half shoulders, floating in a diarrhea-colored abyss.  But hey, he signed it, so maybe it's not a completely worthless piece of shit.

Next up: 
1993 Upper Deck Diamond Gallery #33

If you can't tell, this is a hologram card showing a shiny, amoeba-like chromium blob of Phil Hiatt.  In the foreground, we have Phil in a classic pitcher's pose surrounded by an oozing, black oil slick. This was only a few years removed from the Exxon Valdez spill in Alaska, so maybe that's where they got the idea.  But hey, the Diamond Gallery was a limited edition set, so maybe it's not a completely worthless piece of shit.

Next up: 
1993 Upper Deck Fun Pack #4

DO YOU GET THE PREMISE? HE'S A STAR OF TOMORROW, AND HE'S ALSO A CONSTELLATION MADE UP OF STARS!  SO CLEVER!  But, apparently, the Phil Hiatt constellation is like so many others, where without his superimposed image there, you'd be hard pressed to know what the hell he was supposed to be.  

Here, take a look at the star pattern minus Hiatt:

Personally, I think the constellation looks more like Ed Grimley than anything:

So hey, I must say, maybe it's not a completely worthless piece of shit.

And finally, my prize Phil Hiatt card: 
1993 Upper Deck #645

I guess I lied about selling all of my porn. What we have here is Phil Hiatt banging Phil Hiatt, who happens to also be banging Phil Hiatt.  It's a Phil Hiatt sandwich, with the middle Phil serving as Lucky Pierre. Please don't Google that. 

And on that note, I just want to say thank you, Phil Hiatt. Your baseball cards bring me more joy than you ever could have as a Royal.  I guess you're not a completely worthless piece of shit.

Go Royals!  You're the Best!

June 24, 2012

Rex After Dark

Disturbing as it may be, I think we all learned what Rex Hudler gets off on this weekend.

During the game on Saturday afternoon, Steve Fizzyock and Rex Hudler had a special guest in the booth, none other than golf legend and Kansas City native Tom Watson.

Rex was surprisingly quiet for most of the interview, letting Fizzyock lob softballs to Tom about being a Royals fan, though Rex occasionally grunted in approval when Watson would tie golf to baseball.

Then Rex broke his self-imposed silence with an asinine question about how golfers deal with hecklers.

Predictably, Watson told Hudler that golfers don't really get heckled much.

Rex laughed and turned red and laughed some more and turned even redder.

Then he talked about the "gushing" wind of KC and how that must have made Tom a good golfer.

Then, and my apologies for the graphic nature of what follows, but Rex started touching himself inappropriately.  And grunting more.  And turning redder still. 

Well, we have some photographic evidence so I won't have to elaborate much more.  In any case, be thankful you can't see what is in Rex's right hand here:

Yeah.  That's Rex working his crank while discussing golf with Tom Watson.

But it gets worse.

After the interview, Rex said he was "shaking." He was "so overwhelmed talking with a legend like Tom Watson." He exhaled deeply several times. He was visibly sweating. 

It was awkward.

He said he wanted to have the rest of the day off, that he needed to take a nap after that, and millions of fans crossed their fingers or prayed to their God that he would leave the booth.

Of course, he was just setting Fizzyock up for a Miller Time ad spot.

Or so it seemed.

But no, Rex really was drained of his bodily fluids and needed some replenishment.

Royales with Cheese has acquired some exclusive footage of the booth during the commercial break following the televised interview that proves Rex loves Tom Watson more than even Mrs. Watson does.

I must advise our more sensitive readers to not look at the following Rexual Hudgasm:

Oh my.  

That's the first time I've seen Rex put down his baseball.  I guess that's probably the only thing he puts it down for.

In the unnatural post-coital atmosphere that followed, Rex talked about how much he enjoyed Watson, how rattled he was by the experience, how he wished Tom would have stayed longer, had held him tight, had whispered in his ear how he was even more beautiful now than at the beginning of the interview.

But alas, Tom was gone.

Eventually, Rex collected himself and proceeded to wax poetically about Dancing with the Stars for the next two innings.

Of course he did.  Rex Hudler's a treasure, folks.

A goddamn broadcasting treasure.

Go Royals!  Fire Rex Hudler!

June 22, 2012

Royals vs. Cards

Big weekend series coming up.  Again, I assume you're already busy getting good and ready (read as: good and drunk) for the Royals/Cards game tonight.  It's the annual Big Slick KC charity weekend as well, so whether you're at the ballpark or at home watching on TV, you'll likely see Paul Rudd, Jason Sudeikis, and Rob Riggle drinking beer at Kauffman Stadium tonight.  Also, Jon Hamm will be there rooting for the Cardinals and yelling shit about Denkinger like an asshole.

Anyway, I figured what better weekend than this to debut our new series "Royals vs. Cards." In this series, we won't actually be focused on the Kansas City/St. Louis rivalry.  No, the Cards we're talking about are baseball cards. With each entry, we'll look at Royals-related baseball cards that Royales with Cheese rates Fair or Poor, even if the cards are in Mint condition. They might feature players in dumb or awkward poses or with stupid haircuts, facial hair, and/or cranial accessories (Pat Sheridan, I'm looking in your direction). And sometimes, our snark will have just as much to do with the cardmaker as the player himself.

For our first post, we're looking at 2011 Topps #244 featuring former Royal Mike Aviles:

Nothing really wrong with that, you're probably saying.  Well, you're right.  That would have been fine, if Topps had stopped there. 

But they didn't.

Instead, they made a gold version:

A red version:

A black version:

A "diamond anniversary" version:

And, God knows why, a "cognac diamond anniversary" version:

That's right, SIX versions of a Mike Aviles card.

And that's not all; there were two other Mike Aviles cards made by Topps in 2011, and each of them also had more than one version.

I pretty much stopped collecting baseball cards when this shit started about twenty years ago, but I am dismayed to see that the trend of "special" cards has continued unabated.

And for a player like Mike Aviles, this is just mind-boggling. Up until he was traded to the Red Sox, he was likely to be mistaken by 95% of baseball fans as one of the mooks on Jersey Shore.

This just smacks of Topps stealing money from stupid kids and even stupider adults. What better way to artificially inflate the value of a worthless card than to print multiple versions in a limited quantity?

That's what I thought at first, anyway.  

And then I realized that maybe this wasn't just Topps, Inc.'s doing.  Looking at these cards, this has to have been Mike's idea.  Remember the ego on that guy?  Sure, he was a much better player than the Royals ever gave him credit for, but you'd hear it in his interviews and see it in his body language that he thought he was King Shit of Turd Mountain. I mean, the bat flips after inning-ending pop-ups alone were enough to make thousands of fans want to punch him in the face.  So of course this was his idea.  Artificially inflated value for an artificially inflated ego.

In fact, when you look at his cards in rapid succession, it seems to be a perfect metaphor for Aviles's manufactured swagger.  This is what is going on in Mike Aviles's head when he's doing anything on the baseball field, whether it be hitting a home run, striking out, fielding a routine grounder, or making an error.  It's a sort of Duh Vinci code.

We now present to you, Inside Mike Aviles's Mind:


Along with the above image, imagine a thumping house beat playing and half a bottle of Raspberry Stoli in your stomach, and you've got a pretty good handle on Mike's world.

Go Cognac Diamond Anniversary!  You're Complete Bullshit!

June 19, 2012


HELLO HEROES!  It is I, your ol' pal Uncle Stan Least!  I'm back with more Marvel-Royal Two-In-Ones! Remember our last ish when we told you that Royals fans needed cheerin' up?  Well, not lately! The dynamic Royals have been dynamos lately on the diamond, and it makes it that much easier to see the sensational superpower possibilities for this edition of AAAAvengers!

STAN'S SOAPBOX! Before we have too much fun with the funny photoshoppin', Yours Truly has something he'd like to get off his chest!  Now, gang, we all know racism and bigotry is wrong!  But you may have a friend or brother or sister or mom or pop who says racist and bigoted things! And that's just not right, true believers!  The next time you hear a discriminatory diatribe from someone, you need to stand up and say, "Hey, I don't dig that! Real heroes are intolerant of intolerance!" We can make a wondrous world if we all try a little tenacity! Tell 'em your Uncle Stan says so!  

LET'S GO, GANG!  Back to the boisterous 'blog! Now, remember, we won't be using any of the movie Avengers for this blog. Cap, Thor, Hulk, and Iron Man are just too royal for the Royals. But fear not, true believers, there are one hundred other Avengers to choose from!  There are even several subgroups, all of them amazing!  We have the New Avengers, the Secret Avengers, the Dark Avengers, Avengers Academy, Avengers Next, Young Avengers, West Coast Avengers, and, of course, the Great Lakes Avengers! 'nuff said!

REMEMBER KIDS! Four A's are better than one! And don't forget, respect everyone (except maybe Loki, the Skrulls, Thanos, and St. Louis Cardinals fans!), just like your ol' pals the AAAAvengers!

ITEM: The astonishing android Machine Man has excellent endurance and stupefying stamina! His arms and legs are telescopic, attacking his enemies at all angles!  What better Royal to morph into Machine Man than the indestructible and against-all-odds Bruce Chen!  Stan Least gives you: The Ma-Chen Man!

ITEM: The jumbo Juggernaut is one of the most violent and vengeful villians in all of comicdom!  But did you know his son J2 is a massively muscled masked member of Avengers Next? No other Royal quite stacks up to the sheer super-colossal size of J2 like Royals closer Jonathan Broxton!  That's right, he's the Broxxtonaut, bitch!

ITEM: Danny Duffy has proven to be a talented, upstanding young man!  But he faces a great challenge over the next year: Tommy John! How will our brave boy handle this fiendish foe? With no fear!  That's right, the Avengers have a handicapable hero of their own, the man in the dark: Daredevil! He's blind as a baseball umpire, but he doesn't let that get him down!  He fights, just as Danny will fight, as Dareduffy, the man without fear!

ITEM:  Last but not least, we have one of Marveldom's most brilliant bruisers! Ben Grimm, the ever-lovin' blue-eyed Thing, is nearly identical in size, strength, density, durability, body odor, and intellect as the most revered Royal, the ever-lovin' blue-eyed Billy Butler!  It's Clobberin' Time!

THAT'S A WRAP, ROYALS FANS! Remember to keep reading this bombastic 'blog and rooting for your raucous Royals!  Yours Truly will return with more celebration and cerebration next time!


June 17, 2012

This Week in Cheeseballs - June 17

Wow, Royals fans! What a week! The Royals beat Zack Greinke, the latest chapter in the I-70 Series is in the books, and Jeff Francoeur was traded to the Oakland A's for a bag of Scotts Turf Builder Grass Seed.

Okay, that last thing didn't happen, but it was still one heck of a week.

After a busy stretch like this, we always prefer to give our readers a chance to revisit the hilarity of the last several posts in the form of a convenient word cloud. So in case you missed all the fun, here it is:

(click to enlarge)

There they are. All the things you didn't know you cared about.

Go Royals! You're the Best!

Cabin Pressure

Happy Father's Day to all the dads out there!

It's been a couple of weeks, so we should check in on Rex Hudler, M.D.  When last we left him, he and his pal Chris Getz were on the run from the evil blogger. They stumbled upon an abandoned cabin, though they quickly realized this old cabin harbored a dangerous secret: an atomic bomb!

Let's see how our boys have made out, a mere fifteen strips later:

(click to supersize it)

Holy Shit!  Did you see that?

Man, this strip has gotten out of control.  I hope that some way, some how, Hudler and Getz figured out a way to avoid the insanely huge explosion that just occurred in the final panel!

And if they didn't, well, I guess we'll just replace this feature with Bob Davis, D.D.S.

Go Cliffhangers!  You're the Best!

June 15, 2012

What, Me Wally?

A quick post for Friday, since I assume everyone is getting good and ready (read as: good and drunk) for the Royals-Cardinals game and doesn't need any of the hard-hitting analysis that Royales with Cheese is known for.

So we'll go for cheap laughs instead.  

Last week AC created a new meme, though he also admitted he wasn't quite sure what a meme was.  Nevertheless, the meme he chose to create was based on Wally Joyner's pointless cameo in Castle Rock Entertainment's pointless movie Little Big League, one of about five baseball movies that came out in the strike-shortened 1994 major league season.

AC shared some of his creations and invited you to make your own Joyner memes.  And make them you did!  Well, some of you.  I'm guessing most of you didn't.  But whatever.

Here are the Wally memes created over the past two weeks that we've deemed funniest.  We have to warn you that some of these are quite filthy, but that's a reflection on our readers, not us.  So maybe you should take a look in the mirror, you perverts.

Anyway, here goes.

First, we have some Twins jokes:

Then we have the personal attacks on Timothy Busfield:

Some drug humor:

 And then, of course, the onslaught of sex jokes:

 And finally, just to show you our readers can be both clean and amusing, we'll end with this one:

 Eh, the dirty ones were funnier.  Anywho, if you want to keep making them, be our guest.  We may post more of the best here.

Go Wally!  We Hope You're a Good Sport!

June 14, 2012

Welcome to MIL's Nightmare!

Something incredible happened at the Royals game tonight!  

That's right:

Alice Cooper, who I believe played Paul Sorvino's wife in Goodfellas, threw out the first pitch.  Then he wandered around the stadium aimlessly.  It sure beat the hell out of REO Speedwagon's cameo appearance at a Royals-Rangers game in Arlington earlier this season.

Obviously, much more important than "No More Mr. Nice Guy" was that the Royals swept the Brewers.  They beat Greinke and Marcum, two of the best pitchers in baseball.  A lot of credit should go to Mendoza, Sanchez, and Hochevar, each of whom had his best start of the season.  And they did it with next to no offense, though the Royals hitters came through late in each game when it mattered.  John Axford, aka Joe Dirt, aka the Human Billy Goat, was the, uh, the goat for Milwaukee twice. KC had back-to-back walk offs after none all season.  Sometimes timing is everything.

Anywho, we here at Royales with Cheese have a little tradition that we affectionately refer to as the obligatory sweep post.

Here goes:

Go Sweeps!  You're the Best!

June 11, 2012


GREETINGS TRUE BELIEVERS!  It is I, your ol' pal Smilin' Stan Least, friend to comic book geek and comic book nerd alike!

BIG NEWS, GANG! My bumblin' intern Striving Forbush told me about this here little 'blog and said you kids could sure use a pick-me-upper with the way your favorite baseball club has been playin' of late!  Striving said, "Hey Uncle Stan, how's 'bout you bring yer cockeyed optimism and good humor to Royals fans 'round the world?" And I answered, "Well, Striving, I'm rollin' in bread with my latest comic book movie making over a zillion clams, so good luck gettin' this here smile off this here mug! I can write 5000 words in ten minutes, so if they want a rhapsodic writer, they got it!"

DUBIOUS DISPATCH!  I realize Royales with Cheese is a humor sensation, so Smilin' Stan will do his best to keep the laughs comin'!  I've got a whole kaboodle of witty wonderments to marry your ever-lovin'-blue-wearin' team to the world of comics! Thank Odin for that!

FACE FRONT, FELLAS!  For your Fearless Leader's primordial post, I figured I'd latch onto the latest cinematic craze, The Avengers!  But these ain't your granpappy's Avengers, these are The AAAAvengers! 

That's four A's, fellas!  These Royals are more major than the minors, but not big enough yet for the bigs!  You'll notice how the Avengers we use for this exercise will be compatible with the Royals in every way.  That means no Hulk, Iron Man, Cap, or Thor!  But fear not, True Believers, as yours truly personally created a plethora of AAAA-quality Avenger personalities!  Let's get started, gang!

ITEM: The Incredible Irving Falu proved his mettle as a utility infielder with the Royals this season, but was exiled to Omaha for the bitterly blunderful Betancourt!  He deserved a better fate, so we've given him one!  Let's cross Irving Falu with the high-flyin' Falcon!


ITEM: What do you get when you cross the brilliant brain and brute strength of Felipe Paulino with everyone's favorite furry-formed mutant, Dr. Hank McCoy, AKA The Beast?  You get a player who can pitch with his hands AND his feet!  He can strike out batters, solve math equations, and groom himself simultaneously!  Fangs a lot, you indigo idol!

ITEM:  This one's so simple, it's sensational!  Let's cross the supersonic speed of Jarrod Dyson with the winged wheels of Pietro Maximoff, AKA Quicksilver!  You'll get a fella so fast that even the Comic Code Authority won't catch him!  That's what speed do, indeed, True Believers!

ITEM: What do you get when you cross ravishin' Royals reliever Tim Collins with Dr. Henry Pym, better known as original Avenger Ant-Man?  Why, you get a tittilatin' Tale to Astonish: Pym Collins, natch!  Picture it, True Believers!  A baseball player with power over the insects!  Why, he could lead an army of ants into the visitin' clubhouse and bite some Brewer buttinski!

THAT'S A WRAP, ROYALS FANS!   Yours truly will be back with more Royal-Marvel-Two-In-One's and other brain-blasters and block-busters from the glorious golden age of comic composition!  'Nuff said!

Stan Least

PS:  WHAT DO YOU THINK, HEROES?  Pretty jazzy, eh? Any comments, suggestions, or (*gulp*) criticisms?  Can this bombastic 'blog handle another series of perplexin' posts with little or no connection to the baseball team that inspired it? Grab yourself a sheet of swingin' stationery and send me your mighty missives!  You may just win yourself a great, earth-shakin' No Prize!
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